and amazing how two weeks without therapy how much i regress into old habits. then again i don't think two weeks of seeing my little sister and how cute her boyfriend is, and then getting visited by my older sister and her telling me she's probably going to end up marrying this boyfriend she's living with... and me being single... and no real prospects... i'm not supposed to say it but my mind is going "i'm going to die alone" a little more often right now... i'm not going to die alone... i'll find one eventually... i don't need sex to define myself or have value/worth/all that self-esteem stuff...
*pats self on shoulder* yeah, i know, life's hard, it'll be ok tho, i'm here, it'll be alright *hug* lets get some sleep, things'll seem better in the morning, and if you wake up in time we can go epee fence too.
i finally succumb... i join the facebook... and cruzmail is down so i cannot actually confirm my joining of faceboon.... is that irony? it doesn't feel quite like irony, but i want to say "oh the irony..."
i love it when i find out that a bunch of movies i randomly like turn out to be made by the same guy. where ever you are out there, keep up the good work, i'm looking forward to your next film.
so yesterday i was walking home from safeway and i pass mcdonalds and get pulled over by these kids doing some fundraiser shit for college scholarships. anyway, they were so cute and so tenacious and adorable that i signed up for two, helped them out, got cool points. got some good shameless flirting in there. i should have created an alternate identity for them. "I'm 35, mother of two, my husband has violent tendencies, but only when he's sober..." or i should have taken one up on his offer to help me carry groceries home or something. it was really amusing, and i was even considering having a subscription to rolling stone and wired magazine, and then i realized the amount i was paying for these magazines was the same as a medium quality sword. so i canceled the checks, as was their initial sales pitch. little did they know, or i know, that the bank charges a $25 service fee for canceled checks. so i am effectively paying a $50 flirting tax, a silly fee, a stupidness charge. and i'll never see those boys again... you see what getting laid does to me!
i'm also realizing that if i lived alone, i would be naked all the time
oh, my random itunes makes me happy! i just went from south pacific, to david bowie, to bike by pink floyd. just some slight inflicted insanity thats all :)
(every time this song comes up when i'm listening to itunes randomly, it is significant. everytime it speaks to me. for incredibly different reasons each time, but it speaks to me, every, single, time...)
SSSH! by Fleming and John
You had the prettiest blue-green eyes I'd ever seen And I got a kick out of the way they looked at me, Like I was a two-headed creature from another planet That thrilled and excited you, But you couldn't understand it
Don't tell my ears, ‘Cause they're not listening. Don't tell my heart, It doesn't know what it is missing. Don't tell my eyes, I know they won't believe, That you're not in love with me
We were inseparable, You followed me around, And I got used to this new friend that i had found. I pictured us together, I pictured us apart, And I knew from that moment, You were capable of breaking my heart apart.
Don't tell my ears, ‘Cause they're not listening. Don't tell my heart, It doesn't know what it is missing. Don't tell my eyes, I know they won't believe, That you're not in love with me.
Six months of being friends Was all that I could stand. So I mustered up the courage To hold your hand. You were bedazzled, bewildered. I guess it was just too soon! And when I finally kissed you, You walked out of the room.
Shhh!
Don't tell my ears, ‘Cause they're not listening. Don't tell my heart, It doesn't know what it is missing. Don't tell my eyes, I know they won't believe, That you're not in love with me.
I know you love me, Just admit it. I wouldn't want you If you didn't. I've been patient and waiting. Come on, come on Just say it. You and me Sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G
You're not in love with me. You're not in love with me.
thursday night, saw buffy, presented don with a single rose, for being a great fight partner, and cause i'm a dork. he kissed the rose. and i kissed him later it was really quite sweet, an end of the night thing, i decided i need to do this, so i did, and i was suprisingly not nervous about it. his response, "i can't actually do anything" probably cause he has a girlfriend or something, but he failed to explain and i just said no worries, refering to the kiss "thats all i wanted", bounced around for a bit, extremely proud of myself, haven't talked to him since :p oh man, and our fight scene for the test felt fucking awesome, i was shaking afterwards, combination of nerves and just residual from being in it so deep. our sort of preperation was sitting behind the seats, him with his hands over his ears so he could concentrate, me just focusing on him and the energy and preparing, getting in that mode. i really wanted to kiss him there. but i didn't. and then our scene was awesome. i wanted to watch the tape of it but there wasn't enough time. oh! and at buffy i sat next to io and becky and a friend of theirs and we spent the last 10 minutes before the show bitching about ex and his girlfriend and just what fucked up whiny bitches they are. it was fabulous. so then last night i was wanting to hang out with people and didn't want to go to the comedy night alone, and i was feeling weird about the cabaret thing and wanted people around, but the usual suspects were all busy and ethan wasn't picking up his phone, so after a bit i bit the bullet and called mike and amazingly he too was done with finals but just sitting around the house watching stargate on dvd, so we went and saw the comedy show together and hung out and went to bars and wandered the streets and then went back to his place, watched underworld, made out, and stuff... it was really quite fun and just felt totally natural, and felt really nice to be appreciated and touched and liked and stuff like that. and sex is nice too. yeah, sex is good.
NeeliaBuzz: guess what JujuJosie: what? NeeliaBuzz: well couple things really, first i passed my stage combat test. i am officially recognized by the safd in having basic proficiency in unarmed combat JujuJosie: awesome! NeeliaBuzz: yup! NeeliaBuzz: i was bouncing off the walls JujuJosie: congrats~ NeeliaBuzz: thank you! NeeliaBuzz: i'll come show it off next week JujuJosie: cool NeeliaBuzz: secondly, you remember that weird creepy dude back when i was a senior who was liz's date to the prom and proceeded to call me a lot and at one point i wasn't there so he talked to you a lot and it was really weird and creepy JujuJosie: no i dont, but i believe you. he wasnt the one who fell out the window at the 8th grade musicals was he? NeeliaBuzz: yes he was! NeeliaBuzz: remind me what you were in the 8th grade musicals? JujuJosie: well i remember that, but i dont remember ever tlaking to him JujuJosie: laurie NeeliaBuzz: ... NeeliaBuzz: in oklahoma? JujuJosie: in little women NeeliaBuzz: ok NeeliaBuzz: wow, such bad memory on my part NeeliaBuzz: i might have been distracted by the guy behind me who fell thru a window and was hitting on me half the time JujuJosie: ha NeeliaBuzz: anyway, in the ultimate act of "small fucking world" he currently goes to ucsc, and me, not recognizing that he was creepy dude from 5 years ago, just thinking he was random music student who i had run into in a cafe and had a breif conversation with cause i do that with a lot of people, randomly roped me in to stage managing his cabaret show NeeliaBuzz: week or so later, we're driving around, he's talking me thru the show, at some point hw goes, "you went to castilleja right?" NeeliaBuzz: and mentions he remembers me and liz graves and i just went "holy shit you're andrew mon..." NeeliaBuzz: and proceeded to crack up at the craziness of it all NeeliaBuzz: and he does not remember being creepy with me JujuJosie: haha, but he is no longer creepy? NeeliaBuzz: he does not remember hitting on me at prom, lot of other overt come ons that were really inappropriate and "didn't need to know that" NeeliaBuzz: he's still weird JujuJosie: what do you mean "didnt need to knwo that" NeeliaBuzz: but like in his mind jsut works differently and so he's a composer who's producing his cabaret show that he wrote and just charging into the distance with it JujuJosie: ok NeeliaBuzz: i mean, you talk to him and you can just tell something is slightly off, but no, i wasn't getting any creepy dude vibe because he was just approaching me as a professional NeeliaBuzz: but now that we've opened up that "hey, i knew you in high school" box... NeeliaBuzz: i dunno, i'm just feeling all weird and icky about it, but i don't want to back out of a commitment i've made NeeliaBuzz: and just when its over saying, it was good working with you, never call me again
oh my god, my roommate has a girl over! and they're holding hands! it is the most adorable thing in the entire frikken world! and he is going to kill me for posting this. but its all i can do to restrain myself from going out there and pouncing on them and going AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! like i do to josie and nick all the time. and now i need to write a play! its been great i've totally been getting reactions to that line, which it totally what i intended. and unfortunately i still have a huge fucking crush on my fight partner and he's been really nice to me recently and being all sweet and awesome and stuff and its really frustrating... and i want to declare a plan of action for this week but i totally know it would jinx it and its probably not going to happen anyway, so i guess i'll just post about my intentions after the fact if it doesn't work, and if it does, well all the more to post about. my roommate and i need to break out of this yin/yang microcosm or one of us is going to get screwed and the other in a really not good way. oh my FRIKKEN GOD they're cuddling! i need to like run around and dance for that! but i can't! oh wow
i just reorganized my buddy list. its very disorienting. i'll probably get used to it, but i'm rearranging names like theres a feng shui to it, which there sort of it. i've just gotten used to certain names being in certain places, and suddenly having all these names moved to the top of this list where previously pretty unnoticed names were, its a little disorienting. plus it suddenly makes who's at the top of the list important. in the past that is how i organized it. those who were significant were the bookends of the list. and there was just this buffer at the top of the list, kinda a memorial to times past when john or jonathan occupied that spot, and no one quite like them has come into my life again. merf. i'm putting way too much stress into this. i should let it be and write a play. or watch a netflix. ooo, i like that option.
my bruises are all green. and i still have no idea how i got this one in front of my hip. i wish i had a digital camera so i could take pictures of all of these, and then maybe sue some dude i hate and present them as evidence or something. that would be funny. except evil.
stage combat. today. the hair finally breaks free and flies everywhere. embarassment ensues. this morning, i showered, no product afterwards, had my hair tie around my wrist for a bit, when i was walking out the door didn't. couldn't find it in plain sight, grabbed clippy thing instead. so we get to stage combat and it becomes apparent to me in probably the first few minutes that this clip is not doing its job of holding my hair well. but in my "i should be able to do this!" mentality, i just deal with it. so of course once again we go up to practice, first 30 seconds or so is waiting for me to put up my hair, and then it falls out, and i deal and pull it back and finish the fight. teacher's first comment afterwards is handing me a hair tie, telling me to put it in a braid for the test cause its been a frikken problem every time. for some reason, this is the comment that gets to me. like there was serious disappointment in me in her voice, or serious annoyance with me and this hair, and that i don't seem to be able to secure it. and for me, its just that acknowledging of the issue i've been trying to deal with and hide but i know i've been unsuccessful with, and i know its completely unprofessional of me to be fussing with my hair when i should be focusing on the fight. i dunno, i just feel really bad about it, and like i did something really wrong when really its just hair... and its good that she's the one making the comment rather than the fight master person who could fail me for it or something... bleh
i got a bra in the mail! its really cool too. i thought it was going to be just a white one but its like nude color with sort of a floral pattern, its really cute! and its got like lace at the top! oh man, i don't think i have any bras with lace at the top of the cups. this is awesome! this is the coolest free bra ever!
and oh man, chili cheese fries and a strawberry milkshake... my stomach is going "what the hell man! what.. the hell!"
and it seems that person M. is going out with someone outside the theatre department. or at least he had a date with someone outside the theatre department tonight, which i rudely interupted to tell him he had designer photo shoot at 10pm and he shows up with hair down and cologne, and wouldn't tell us who it was with. *pouts* ah well. the decent into dry spell begins.
one of my favorite lines from merrily gets cut in the newer version. for posterity, i put them here.
life is swinging skies are blue and bells are ringing everday i wake up singing, "look at me i'm rich! and happy!"
i'm so bruised right now. i spent most of yesterday in stage combat attempting to do this roll/prat fall. now the goal of these is to roll/place your fleshy parts on the floor. i have very few fleshy parts. esp with my back and shoulders. and my knees and elbows. which seem to be the parts that most often got harsh contact with the floor. and now i have bruises on all of them. they would be pretty if they didn't hurt. i've figured out with one partner that he can actually throw me and i just need to angle my body forward and make sure i land my feet first. the other boy i'm not sure how capable he would be of doing that. plus i want to figure out this fucking fall. i'm very frustrated with myself for not being able to consistantly do it.
and i still itch. the back of my calf has a rash that is not going away. alright. food and therapy.
when it rains it fucking pours! and i'm not saying that cause its actually raining outside. 3 boys? 4 boys? and i'm somehow going to fuck it up so i am left with none and another dry spell, which i will try to make go away but be systamatically rejected and scare off other potentials and then when i'm not trying, another FIVE will show up all at once and i'll once again be in this "holy shit where did you come from, where were YOU a month ago, and can i save YOU for a few weeks from now?"
why is it only NONE or TOO MANY?
alright right now, i have (i'm just going to use first letters) J who is a bigger whore than i am, my friend S has told me many a time not to become attached to him cause thats just a bad idea. we seem to be getting along really well as friends, i sleep over in his room a lot, he is attracted to me, and apparently i satisfy a lot of the things on his list of qualities he wants in a girlfriend (granted a lot of those qualities only come out around him cause he brings out my more crazy side cause i'm a total "when in rome..." social type) and he is frustrated with himself for not being as attracted to me as he feels he ought to be. it was the most bizarre but kinda flattering compliment i've gotten in a while. and as i've said before he's a whore so i can really make no claim on him, but on the other hand that means he'd make no claim on me so i could find some other casual boy who doesn't mind sharing but is slightly more available to balance. in my dreams.
fight partner. i met him after a performance of space pandas and i was struck by how much he looked like tomas, but shorter and cuter and waaay blonder. sort of crossed paths with him later that night and totally was tempted to go up to him and plant a big old wet kiss on him, but didn't. samuel thought i really should have. i should have. maybe if i were more drunk or something. anyway, he ends up being in my stage combat class where once again i go "holy shit that boy is cute". ask him out casually, he ends up having a girlfriend. danced with him a bunch at sexcapades, didn't make out with him tho. and he's seen me randomly make out with like 5 guys. so he knows its a trait of mine and i wonder if he thinks i don't do it to him cause i like him or if he realizes its cause i respect him and we have a class together and i don't want to make things weird before the end of the quarter. esp since i'm fighting him for the skills test. oh man, but so many people know i have this crush on him. its funny. i think he knows it too. our personalities are way different tho. in general he's got a bit more of a shell that he retreats to more often, and i do get him out of it occasionally but my "hey want to see this play or movie?" have all failed rather miserably. so its really hard to say. outside of stage combat its quite obvious we wouldnt work, but then he's so wonderful in class and so much fun and sexy and smells good (well at least this one time when i was leaning on him) anyway, pretty sure that would never happen. but he's still like one of the guys that i am most physically attracted to right now.
B. the guy right now who i am probably most compatable with personality wise. i have no idea if he's really ATTRACTED to me but he does tell me he thinks i'm awesome and he even captioned a picture of us at barnstorm with me as "the coolest!!!" but he's a freshman and so innocent and clueless and adorable. so on one hand i totally want to currupt him, but on the other hand i don't want to scare him off, which i think is the more likely thing to happen. but yeah, he's a sweetie, but i'm not THAT physically attracted to him, and he's kinda dumb sometimes in some areas. and its cute in that oh goodie i get to teach you now, but i think i need a smarter person, at least have MORE of our knowledge realms overlap and stuff. *sigh* not going to die alone, just need to find one. thats all.
then theres M. he's cute, he's awesome, he's a theatre boy, absolute genious. but he smokes. but he's now 21, so i can go to bars with him. big plus there. we'll see, he's told me to give him a call sometime, so one of these days, we'll see. definate chemistry there, would be fun to see where it goes. but he smokes. *sigh*
I frikken love gilmore girls! last week, they bonded over FIDDLER! this week they got back together over judy garland singing the one that got away. i LOVE these writers! i love this show!
