Heals The Original Dryness: 07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
7.30.2003
i want for those java scripts that pop up while you're on the internet "are you sure you want to delete this email?" or "this site is not secure. do you wish to continue?" for one of the options or instead of "no" i want there to be one that says "do not ask me such questions!"
i am actually finding some fairly interesting people thru here and also finding people i already know. its quite interesting like that. couple santa cruz people i know. apparently connected to me thru people in massachusettes.
its currently 10:50 AM, and i want to talk with people... but no one is online... grar.
i hate to say it, but my dad was right. actually i don't hate to say my dad was right. he often is right and thats why we love him. what i hate to admit is the content of what he was right about.
i hate my job
i love the people, i work with, esp the newbies that were just hired yesterday. they were awesome! we were play hacky sack with a balloon. it was so much fun. and one of them does tai chi and stuff and it was just really cool. for like the first time in the office i felt like i was really part of a group. of friends that is. the rest of my collegues right now are women. one of whom that i often have had to work with, is a driver and has no sense of direction. and doesn't know where she's going. but doesn't ask for directions. i have little respect for this person.
but talking to people who don't care, getting constant rejection, asking people that are as poor/poorer than i am to give money/introducing people to an organization and then basically saying "so now that you've read this folder and listened to my shpeal, how bout giving us money every month?"... it's starting to get to me. and that doesn't make me the top employee with these people. and the thought that kept going thru my head last night and making my eyes well up with tears every time:
i'm doing my best, but obviously thats not good enough for these people
i called in sick today
i'm feeling a bit better now that i've slept for 12 hours and i don't have to stand on my feet all day and i can get some things done that i've been meaning to do/would have had to do in a frantic rush tonight. but i do believe i'm going to get fired now. unless i do a fucking stellar job on monday.
i've got a hair cut and some new bra's... i must be 20...
that statement doesn't have the same effect it had in my head. that was supposed to be a statement that it's currently technically my birthday. but instead it seems like a statement about how i am embracing that i am 20. buying shit for myself that i've basically needed for a while has nothing to do with feeling 20. in fact the only times i feel remotely 20 is when i'm at work or hanging out with a large group of 21+ people. but even typing that right now, it doesn't feel completely true. stupid... hitting puberty late... thyroid problem... messing up my inner clock. but you know, i'm not one for inflexible labels that seem to aquire weightiness despite themselves. like names. everyone (well not everyone, but it seems like lots of people around me) seems to put great weight into naming their inanimate objects, like computers or cars or genitalia or boobs. i think i would be quite frightened to think of myself carrying two small people on my chest all day forever. i can sort of understand the penis naming cause i haver heard many an account of how it has a mind of its own. but computers and cars? thats just giving them too much credit. i wouldn't like to think a machine that crashes more than me on a bike is an equal. sure its malicious and sometimes i'll call it a fucker, but its a fucking peice of plastic.
anyway, i've been having trouble with even more basic things recently, like calling myself a woman/girl/female/carbon-based life form containing ovaries. i don't completely identify with my gender alot. but i don't completely not identify with it either. there are many times i will observe a group of girls doing their typical girly thing and i'll think "god i'm glad i'm not a woman... oh wait, yes i am... fuck" and other times i too will need to revel in my estrogen for a bit. but i don't take PRIDE in being a woman. it's a fucking inconvenience a lot of the time, especially when your uterus is trying to squeeze out its own lining and taking the rest of your lower abdomen down with it. but as said in the unbearable lightness of being (and i'm paraphrasing cause the book is in the back of benns car and i'm not about to run out and get it right this second) "it seemed silly to take pride in something she had no control over". thats how i feel a lot; i'm stuck with it god fucking damn it, but that doesn't mean i'm going to do it like i'm supposed to.
i've always been known to march to the beat of my own drum (i almost said "toot to the beat of my own horn" but i decided it wouldn't actually be funny to the general public that wouldn't necessarily know i was purposefully mixing my metaphors)
update...
job: tiring, frustrating
figuring out house stuff: tiring, frustrating, slightly more satisfying than job at times. still don't know what the hell i'm going to do.
would be/would have been housemates: tiring, frustrating
life: tiring, um... sometimes frustrating, but i have a great boyfriend. he brought me a sweatshirt at work cause it was cold. :D
oh! edit to job: calling activists is suprisingly addictive. and so much more satisfying sometimes cause cause its like "YAY! you're on my side! you want to listen to what i have to say! we're not wasting each others time! yay!" so thats awesome. hopefully i'll have a better day tomorrow.
hm... stressed benn and early sid berret pink floyd don't really mix. if i ever have a bad acid trip, thats what i think it would be like. oh, and being tired and hungry and out of it and achy and stuff... doesn't help.
other thing i was meaning to blog and tell people about is that the newly recruited housemate (newly=got her for summer and next year a couple months ago) has found a cheaper, farther away in bonny doon place, so the search begins.. revised... a new.. *thunk* so yeah, looking for someone to take the single, or looking for a new place for james and i, keeping tabs on whats presented on craigs list, i need to send marcy a rent check, and i need to get a paycheck so i can have money in my account. after paying rent i will have 47 dollars. not comfy. so. 1 day at a time. we'll get stuff done. really we will.
:)
um... job thing worked out. turned out if i brought my school id AND my social security card AND my birth certificate THEN they would have enought proof i existed to hire me. today was my first day. last night we had poker night with jesse and people. i was up ten dollars at some point. had a couple good wins in the begining. it's easy to get a fricken huge pot when there are ten people playing. i went past my limit with drinking by half a beer (aka i had one and a half beers). everything was funny. it was bad. then i got up to steal stuff from the other side of the room and since we were crammed into the dinning room so we could use a large table it was tight tring to get around benn and i accidentally knocked over a mostly empty bottle... but what did spill, spilled onto a plate, so i was like "oh! thats convenient" and other people were saying "wow, is it possible you're so drunk you're talented?" *sigh* i wasn't drunk i was just really buzzed and slightly past my limit. anyway, that went till 3 am, at which point i said "shit" cause i had to wake up at 9 for my first day of work.
so! standing in front of noahs and starbucks saying "hi! do you have a minute for greenpeace?" to every person that walked by. time goes pretty quickly, but then you're suddenly exausted. and theres this horrible thing of "clipboard shoulder". you wouldn't think holding a 3/4 inch folder with 3 peices of paper in it would be straining on your muscles, but then after standing around holding it for 2 and a half hours you realize your shoulder is so tense its shooting pain thru the rest of its vecinity. i'm being dramatic, but your shoulders and back go "OCY#PPIOFJLSK&U(#@!" after a while... and then you have to stand around some more. i dunno, i need to be more aware of my alignment, i was probably locking my knees a lot and over extending my back. i need to work on that. or else i'll die. i almost got like 3 people to sign up. a couple had no money, or their dad was the one who would pay for such things so they didn't want to sign up just yet, and one had gotten frappachinos for co-workers so he needed to get those to people before they melted. if it hadn't been my first day i probably would have thought to say "oh, it only takes a minute to fill out, here, i can hold onto those. here's a pen." or something like that. but he works at city hall and sees the greenpeace folk downtown all the time so he'll just get nabbed next time.
exciting, huh? it's not your typical job. busy work with style. and more skill. and stuff. we'll see how much fun it is when i actually have to start getting members and stuff and reaching quota. :-/ its something.
i just won egyptianratscrew! i never won! i beat al too! and he was winning at first! but then i won! YAY! so exciting!
but on the non plus side blogger is back to its stupid form. but at least this time it doesn't have "BASIC" in huge bold letters at the top. it doesn't have the straight to post function anymore tho. :( i'll try to write them about that.
