Heals The Original Dryness

well, i did more slave labor than slave labor of love today. picking stickers off ikea plates (which is a job, let me tell you), washing the pots and pans and coffeemaker, and lots of cleaning off sticky stuff off various surfaces with fumey chemicals (they had the "goo off" stuff which can give you brain damage rather than "goo gone" which unleashes the power of citrus. they're gonna take over the world one day with they're power, those citruses.) and tomorrow i get to do it all again. but this time i'll have the goo off stuff readily availbable from the begining, so that will save some time that would be otherwise spent picking off the stickiness with my fingernails.

i slept from like 5 to 8 this evening, i was really tired. benn called me a silly head and said i was going to get no sleep tonight because of that nap. i think i'll manage.

NeeliaBuzz: we are going to have one pimpin townhouse
bluejuh: big pimpin'
NeeliaBuzz: bow chicka bow wow
bluejuh: Okay, there's a fine line between pimping and prono and you're pretty close to crossing it right there, missy.
NeeliaBuzz: thats getting blogged

being OCD really fucks with your head. you may say, well thats an obvious statement, but to my well educated audience... what isn't...

why does she bring up this obvious statement now of all times, you may wonder. well the fact that i spent almost all day deconstructing costumes, or "seam ripping" as iain put it ("yes, thats one way to say it, but i like mine better"), and i now have reaccuring images of tearing seams and picking out pieces of thread and long strips of thread and partial peices of thread, and now i look down at my shorts and understand how these peices of thread are put together and what the most effective way of taking them out would be... it was fun at the time. i effectively deconstructed a rehersal skirt, a sloppy sort of vest, several peices of fabric that had stiches on them, and a rather frilly and several layers of fabric sort of rehersal jacket (royal rennissance era) which was a project in itself and was quite satisfying. anyway, i need to cut my nails now cause they're a little too long.

actually, i didn't go in today. instead i slept. all day. and damn did i need that. :) i feel so much better now. i had some really interesting dreams. and they weren't that surreal, it was more just my subconcious acting things out, and it was just interesting. like i'm still hostile to bryy in my dreams, but i'm not beating him up with a baseball bat any more, i just make snide comments and then say "hostile? me? no, never." i dunno, i spent alot of time at paly in my dream, and i was recognized by someone as the girl who played queenie, but that made no sense, and it turn out that she just remembered me for some impromtu performance of wild party, aka explaining the plot and singing the songs as well. and my subconcious has really recognize john as "my friend who rides a motorcycle" as i've been telling other people, cause he was always in his leather jacket in my dream. i mean it's also possible that the last few times i've seen him he's been wearing it, but i like my theory better.

my nails are really long

who has a score of 398,972 and just beat an increadibly insane level on mah jong? i did! i did!

and josie, i was planning on coming tomorrow. er, today. i'll call

*sings* where have all the weekends gone...

sigh... of... relief...
:)
*goes back to sleep*

i just realized i took my make up pills the wrong way last week. what i think i'll do is skip the week of placebos and just go on to the next pack, but i think i should call the advice nurse and see how possibly fucked i am.

as you can see its been one hell of a day... and it was just starting to get better... gar...

RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!!!!! i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i HATE this!!! i should NEVER confirm to plans when i have just woken up. and more so i should NEVER try to organize people when i... grk... RAWR!!! i'm SORRY!! it just didn't work today! i hate to be the umpteenth person to be letting you down! i hate doing this! i'm sorry!

and the worst part is i KNEW i shouldn't have put myself in a position where i needed to be reliable, and i KNEW i shouldn't've taken on the responisbilty of hosting an uncertain number of people whom i'd never met before, and i KNEW that my plans for this weekend were very very uncertain and i could just feel in my gut that shit was going to come up and i'd ruin plans.

you know what i just realized? something. but now i've fogotten what it was. RAWR. i hate it when that happens.

i have a headache, and i think the effects of going to sleep at 2/3 am and then waking up and "normal" hours and actually DOING stuff during the day are catching up with me. we watched run lola run and the princess and the warrior last night. i heart those movies so much. they're so gorgeous, and so good and just wow... uch, but theres this part near the end of princess and the warrior that just is so upsetting and makes me cring and want to cry and i just winced and looked away when that part came up. it's so sad. uch *shudders*

anyway, i did slave labor yesterday cleaning and organizing and setting up one of the apartments for the san jose rep people. the apartment itself kinda scared me cause it was so gad damn white. white walls, white rugs, it looked so fucking sterile. but our work was appreciated by at least one lady who when my sister told her i was there to help with whatever responded with "i LOVE this family" (apparently josie has been quite a helpful intern) so i should be able to come around next week as well and help out and have something to do.

i'm so tempted to go to LA. while i was at my parent's house i hijacked this leather jacket that someone left at our house after some party or gathering we had and never came to claim it, and it's a really good leather jacket, it's really soft and comfy. (there was also this other one which i'm not sure where it came from that was more like stale suede leather and it smelled really dusty and kinda sounded like you were wearing cardboard *shrug* so i'm borrowing the better one) and brought up my closed toed shoes as well so i could be more protected should i get another chance to be on the back of john's bike, but john's going down to la/riverside for like a month, and i would so go with them if i could, and i totally should cause i have all this stuff, but i kinda told people at the rep that i would be available next week, and i'd be leaving benn, and as tempted as i am to say "ooo! you'll be done on the 8th! you should come down then" it just wouldn't be fair. and i'd miss him so. so i am once again feeling futily rejected from life, not majorly but small pangs, and will hope against hope that volunteering at the rep will be worth it. and it better be... *shakes fist threateningly*

oh yes, and jonathan got "the wild party" the book.

it's 11:15, my entire family is pretty much asleep, i have no desire to go to bed, i am probably going to tag along with my little sister to work tomorrow... there is something dreadfully wrong with this situation.

i'm thinking i'll talk to the people tomorrow and see if i can arrange something to come do work at some slightly later hours than josie, so then i can take the train and be dropped off when benn leaves for school and i can just take the light rail or the dash shuttle to get over there and i can catch a train up to palo alto in the evening or stay at my house some evenings, something, i dunno. it feels highly ironic that i might be commuting to san jose from palo alto when just over a year ago i was doing the exact opposite. and it feels even more odd that at both benn and my house, i have the urge to say "what to i know, i don't live here"... but more so here than at benn's house cause i've gotten used to benn's house where as over here i haven't been around for the constant changing so i literally don't know where some things are. my dad's cleaning the garage and reorganizing some clutter book cases, my sister is reorganizing her room to make it more feng shui... and my mother is odd. her wisdom she imparted about being 19 was that she met my father when she was 19 and 4 months. and then asks what i'm planning on doing when i grow up/how i'm planning to make money in the meantime. i had something i was going to write down that i thought of walking upstairs to get cold sore medication, but it;s gone now.... i'm probably going to sleep in nora's bed tonight, just so i feel more like i'm sleeping in benn's bed, maybe it's like being asleep while benn's at school. where as in my room it's all too easily i'm still in highschool and going out with a boy i only see occasionally and probably just got off the phone with before i turn out the lights. i don't really need that. i'm depressed enough as is. :-/

ah yes, and it's really exciting to have a house when you know where it is and who's going to live in it. you feel so much more purposeful in your planing actions. it feels so good.

so now i have a cold sore coming in. why? who knows. possible theorys...
1) stress of feeling useless and shit like that, lack of job, lack of purpose. etc. my dad offered that josie's job could use more volunteers so i might go down to san jose and do that for a while, seeing how john is going to LA for a month so my companion who is often as bored as i am won't be around to help pass the time. *sigh* and being in san jose would mean i wouldn't have my bedmate nearby :( still thinking about it.

2)getting over a viral disease may be triggering other viral diseases within me to pop up... literally... during the school year when i was getting over a cold occasionally a cold sore would come up

3) wind burn. i got to ride on the back of a certain someone's motorcycle yesterday. jonathan officially hates me. anyway, it was great. after we got pizza we just drove over to the safeway on el camino and got hagen daas ice cream bars and then rode over to the fountain at stanford. we then had to run from the cops... cause we were probably in a place where motorcycles weren't allowed. but luckily we saw the patrol car at the barrior and as they were getting out to lower the middle cylander thing we gathered our stuff and bolted. we then went and pestered neil at his house. it was wonderful, i was so fearful that his mother was going to answer the door and his mother is terrifying... but luckily we caught neil and hung out in his room for a while. it was wonderful. well except for the fact that john discovered the ticklishness of my feet and neil refused to help me and instead took a picture. grr. but anyway, so we were riding around a bunch and the helmet he lent me didn't have a face sheild. but he doesn't even use his, he just lets his eyes water and the tears stream back over his face, which was eventually what i resolved to doing. we then came back to benn's house and benn showed off his shiny new titanium g4 powerbook (*drool*) and burned john a cd of some choice mp3's, some of these *i* didn't even know benn had on his computer (namely many a muppets song) and some how john and i ended up discussing improv and stuff (he apparently was one of the starting people of humor force) it was cool. it was a nice do nothing evening. and in the end i got to cuddle with benn :D which is of course the best part *griiiin*

and now i really need to shower and organize a couple things in benn's room before we go to beppo's tonight with j and people

gah, and now i might not get a job cause some higher authority with talbots put a freeze on highering new temp workers and if its not lifted by the end of the week she won't be able to hire me as a seasonal person. i'm really tempted to just move to santa cruz early and get some job over there that i may be able to continue during school. thats the other thing about talbots, is at this point i really won't be able to make much money cause i'll probably be moving to santa cruz early september, and we're almost done with july... gah... i feel so fucking useless...

gad damn it, the peasant dress i wanted is now out of stock. damn you people!

i have finally made an official commitment to commitment. to many people this is "well DUH! what did you expect out of a monogamous relationship" and to them i say "shut up, you weren't there. i'm different. this is a big step for me. accept it as it it" so yeah, it really kinda ruins this huge inner turning point for me when it's something other people just take for granted. kinda a "whats the big deal, everyone does it" and i just want to scream "damn it! APPRICIATE ME AND MY PERSONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS!"

i think i'm really just pissed off because (warning! warning! passive aggressive-ness ahead!) after telling this whole story to john and thinking he could say "yay thats wonderful congradulations" instead i get a "we'll discuss this more later, i have to go do errands. be good." and then signs off before i get to say "i am!" cause it's mearly my potential that is bad, so we are putting that potential to rest because i made a promise last night that i am not going to go there because i do not want to hurt anyone, particularly not this boy who i am totally and completely in love with. and i can really say that and mean it these days. i wasn't in a place where i could do that before. but now i really feel that i can, and that is a big step. so everyone say "good for you, aileen. we're right behind you. we will support you in any way we can to help you keep this promise to benn and to yourself. it's not easy letting go of old habits, and you've made a big step. good for you. if you need anything, we'll be here"

cropped it

don't worry, the picture is getting cropped. i just needed a change to my webpage. expect more to come.

in other news, new nee new, i'm bored and tired. tired and bored. come my readers, dance for me. dance!

for lack of more energy to blog....
an email from nora (my older sister, it's kinda a tradition she send me an email on my birthday instuing knowledge about the coming year):
subj: that day again
So you are 19. Nothing special about the coming of this age. No new found
luxuries, abilities, or responsibilities come with the 19th year of life. It
is your last chance to do stupid things and chalk it up or excuse it with
the "I'm a teenager" excuse, live it up while you can. You are now halfway
to being 38, that's something.

Happy birthday.

Nora

my response:
subj: re:that day again
i love you! you missed acapolco dinner, but thats ok, the service was really shitty. we asked for water about 7 times before we got it. we got our FOOD before water. plus there was this huge group of asian teenagers in yellow shirts that were probably campers of sorts and were really annoying and stuff. but on the plus side... steak fajitas... oh and i had a "social gathering" cause it really wasn't a very organized sort of birthday party, but we went to this park off of cal ave that has swing sets and big feilds and molly stones right down the street so we were set, and we just hung out and people got there when they could and left when they had to etc. etc. and it was really fun and relaxing and totally what i wanted it to be. there were a couple times i wished we had a deck of cards, but oh well, next time. we made up for it by just lightly tossing the frisbe between us while we were sitting in the shade, "zen frisbe" as neil called it, we had been playing full out frisbee earlier. e ven josie and my friend jeeyon got in on it. anyway, happy times, hope you are well. say hi to nick and anyone else i might know. hugs and stuff :)

much love,
aileen


email from elliot:
(basicly he got home late and couldn't come, so he wished me happy birthday anyway)

my response:
hehehe! thank you for the well wish, sorry you didn't make it, there were plenty of people so don't worry about it, but it was fun and stuff and you would have enjoyed it. lots of my friends meeting each other and just hanging out and stuff. and at one point almost all of them were on those bobbley springy things they have in parks, you know, where you sit on them and they rock back and forth and bob around. anyway it was really amusing seeing full grown people on those; they lean back and the spring thing bends back so far they fall on the ground. i never really enjoyed those when i was younger, i think it was cause i never had enough weight to throw around to really get the effect of those "rides"/park play things. it was really fun, a couple of them were motorcycles, so when you leaned back it looked like you were popping a wheelie :D and you could lean to the side and "turn" it was so much fun. i was racing away from the people on the teeter totter behind me. in other words we were silly and acted like 5 year olds which was the entire point of the party in the first place, being at a park :D

so yeah, gives you an idea of what it was like :)

hope all is well! ttyl
-aileen

thiiiiiis iiiiiiiis myyyyyyyyyyyy BIRTHDAY song, it isn't very long

i was haven't intestinal craps so i went to use the bathroom and what do i have? my period.... oh shit.... how long have i been forgetting my medication... i go and get my pill thing out of my bag, trying to figure out what day is it while i root through the junk. ok it's friday. i open the container... wednesday... initial lack of sleep reaction: oh shit, three days... but no, i take the friday one tonight. two days. thats still jesus shit. ah fuck! fuck fuck fuck! i hate being sick. i HATE it. we're so fucking out of it! and i was doing well earlier this week about it! what the hell happened? i can't even remember wednesday night. all my nights recently are just flown together cause it was: feeling better, brush teeth, go to lie down, nose goes clogged in one half and dry in the other, takes huge effort to breath without coughing, last night benn was feeling absolutely shitty and i couldn't do anything, half the time i was worried he was mad at me for being out late, AND I MISSES TWO PILLS! RRRAAAAWWWRRR!!!!!!!! *seethes* i'm so pissed with myself... *goes and takes a shower*

http://www.petitiononline.com/iTol/petition.html

they're wanting to charge shitloads of money for silly things and email at mac.com. there are almost 18,000 signatures already, so add your name and then shout "POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"... it feels REALLY cool, do it!

Which Kids In The Hall recurring character are YOU?

soon to come: a semi detailed exposition of what i did last night
john. paz. *whap.* no!

pprreeeeettyyyyy....
(i want that too)

i'm feeling almost healthy today. my nose is not stuffed up right now, i can hear, i'm not coughing too much, i don't feel like i'm swallowing a spiked golfball. dude, if this keeps up to this weekend i'll be in great shape! :D

i hate to say it, but i really like the look bebe has going right now. i mean look at this. i want that! so badly! my god! and they have so much other cool shit, and some of it is even machine washable! look! ok bad example, but this one is! meh!

i love having a boyfriend. more importantly, i love benn. 12:30am, miserable, sick, in pain, tired but can't sleep, humidifier just doesn't seem to be enough. what do we do? we make love. it was the most romantic sex ever. it was so wonderful. it felt good, it took our minds off of things, uch! i love him so much.

yeah so benn and i didn't get much sleep last night. first, i was coughing and blowing my nose until 3 am, then benn woke up feeling ill to his stomach at 4, and my nose was still clogged so i started working on that again (my nose is very chapped this morning. its really bad). around 4:20 benn got up and vomited for a while. around 5 we ran out of kleenex. by about 5:40 i was lying down again with my face in my humidifier. around 6 or 7, i forget which, i decided i should take some medicine and eat some food. around 7:30 his parents start waking up, and his dad comes in and takes benn's temperture and such and benn calls his doctor to see if theres anything more he should be doing to take care of himself and we email his teachers to say he's going to take a sick day, and around 8 or 8:30 we go back to sleep and wake up around now... so yeah, thats today so far.

email i got from my potential house mate...
subject: i made you this

http://people.ucsc.edu/~jleveque/images/4aileen.jpg

I was reading your blog last night and was artistically inspired... in a way
I have not been inspired in many many years.

There you go.
byebye.
~james leVeque


*happy eee noises and almost laughs that breakdown into coughs cause i can barely breath, but oh my god!* james! you are the best! i love you! *hug!*

i don't think you're ever truely in love with someone until you've been sick with them

*suddenly goes crazy because she just found out that she missed waking life at casti and no one told her and what is my purpose in life* and benn and his dad are whispering in the living room,, and apparently theres this summer workshop at casti which is how the movie thing got together, and alan and i were planning on afternoon to go terrorize casti cause i knew there was summer camp stuff, but i had no idea!... and it's not like i never talk to people, they just never tell me anything, i'm just left out cause i went to college... and now i'm ill... and i feel so left out and isolated and without roots and i don't belong anywhere and i want next year to start so i can live in a house with my people and be in my town and be with my friends and feel like i belong and i'm actually in a place where i'm supposed to be and where people will tell me whats going on and TALK TO ME! RAWR! i need to get well.

i wish i could put on this an audio track of how terrible i sound right now.

and i'm so bored! and i want something to do tomorrow besides going down to my house and being bored there! i want to see people! but no one will want to see me for fear of getting ill. *pouts. drinks tea*

and now i've almost lost my voice. probably haven't had it all day, just haven't had a reason to use it in the first place cause no one's around. but then benn calls to confirm my birthday present with me (he's taking me to a sf symphony performance of bernstein music :D) and i could barely talk. i sounded like a prepubesent boy. it was so much fun. actually it wasn't really cause it kinda hurt, but it sounded really funny. yesterday my voice was unusually deep and raspy. i should have taken advantage of it and recorded myself singing elaine strich songs :)

it hurts to cough... so much... ow... the pain, the pain...

wow. when the doctor said it was usually worse in the morning and at night, he wasn't kidding. tho at the same time when he said that i was like "yup, thats my disease". i was coughing lots of barking coughs last night with a little bit of flegm but it always felt like there was a little more in my throat... this morning, my throat is really swollen and hurts when i cough (so i'm trying to avoid it), i'm thinking all those barking coughs kinda irritated my throat alot. *coughs up a storm of kinda wet coughs. goes and takes some cough surup* i took an advil and a sudafed about 10 minutes ago cause i thought i wasn't coughing too much, just really damn stuffed up. couldn't breath through one nostril last night so i layed on the side that i could breath on and now they've switched. stuffed up ears too.

oh and on top of all this i have some problem with my gums on the left side. got some listerine yesterday when we went and stocked up at longs. my god that stuff is intense...

btw, i'm sorry if i'm grossing my readers out or seeming like i'm fishing for pity. i really just have nothing else to talk about exept the book i'm reading, which would be difficult cause most of you haven't read it and i would be giving stuff away if you did eventually read it. *coughs again* wow, it's all green... i suppose i could also talk about benn's family, but why would i want to? i'm sick! lets focus on me for a bit.

so it's not strep, it just a virus, and it should go away in 4 weeks at the most. *groan*

it's some swollen gland virus. my throats not nearly swollen or red enough to be strep, i don't have the grey film and pussy-ness, the blister things in the back of my throat are clear and apparently just effects of the virus, similar to chicken pox, and we don't have fevers... so it's not strep... and peniclin would do no good... so we just have to take advil and stuff to help with the inflamation and jsut get rest and wait it out. joy of joys.

my neck and shoulders are so stiff. ow.

so yeah, it was terrible, i was looking at my throat with a mag light and there were little pustules on the back of my throat and i don't look at my throat that often so i had no idea if those were normal or not, so i go and check benn's throat and he has kinda the same thing so i think, oh, it's normal. but no. we're both sick. anyway, i have an appointment for this afternoon to get it checked out. everyone pray it's not mono, which i doubt, but there's a chance. figures the one weekend my mom is out of town when i get sick is the weekend where it's not a common cold. rawr.

... looks like i might have strep...

so the good news is, my throat was feeling better this morning than it did yesterday morning. the bad news is, i'm still sick and i was coughing up a lung last night at 3 am and again this morning around 7. i tried to cough into my pillow so i wouldn't wake up benn but after several consecutive coughs he'd roll over and rub my back. we're such a married couple, it's so hilarious. we sit in bed and read before we go to sleep, he puts a pillow under his hip so his back will be straight, i have my humidifier on, we're like decreped old people! and on top of that we're reading books by the same author. it's terrible. tad williams is such a good writer tho. and the tension is killing me, and seriously affecting my dreams, it's awful. that on top of being ill.

apparently the biggest rocky horror picture show is happening in reno on sunday. and apparently the bawdy cast is performing. so if you feel like going to reno...

oh and the strange thing with the middle age women walkers and the honking cars... apparently the avon walk for breast cancer, a three day thing where they walk from san jose (i think) to san francisco, and corperations sponser it and stuff. it's annoyng when you'd rather sleep

oh, and there are a lot of walkers too. most of them wearing some kind of sun protection hat.

what the fuck is going on on middlefeild right now. people are honking they're horns, some of them novelty horns i might ad, and going "woo!" as they drive by.... what the fuck?

*cough*

...you know when you stare at that word long enough it really looks misspelled

i fell asleep last night with a hot washcloth over my face. it hurt to breathe. well, not hurt, but you know how it is when the air just feels too damn dry... my throat is hurting even more today. i tryed calling one of the on call nurses because my mom is out of town, but there was like a 15 minute wait to probably just be told i had a cold. benn's mom looked at it and said it wasn't strep, so that releaving. i'm just hacking and weasing because my body is stupid like that. when i complained last night "i'm sick and i don't know why" benn said it was cause i went to sleep so late. then again, just earlier he had asked me if i was having any luck with my shoelaces, so i'm not sure how much to trust that next one. he's so cute when he mumbles in his sleep.

blake has pretty much bailed on the house. i am ill, sore throat, swollen, hurts to swallow, i think i may have allergies cause i was on the grass all day yesterday and now i'm sick. i spent the morning in benn's upstairs room cause cleaning people had to come. very little ventilation and direct sunlight. not much to say when you're high above the mucky muck.

between 5 and 6 i think his house phone was ringing every two minutes and whoever it was wouldn't leave a message. so i finally picked it up. first time, they hung up again. second time it was at&t broadband services. third time it was some non profit org that benn's dad supports. and now the house is quiet.... :)

i'm gonna go read for a bit. yesterday, in my book, there was this professor character who really reminded me of mrs. mckee. and she gets beaten and dies! and it was so upsetting! i wanted to like run to mrs. mckee's house and give her a hug! but i couldn't really remember where she lives... but still! mrowr!

there's a new clicky site! http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com and it's got cute animals and everything! and yeah! clicky! clicky!

so i got a job today :) i don;t start for a couple weeks, but yay!

also an old man that i started talking to in front of a jewelry store almost bought me this beautiful gaudy necklace. it was so weird! i was so suprised, i didn't exploit the situation as well as i could have, but STILL! more on that later cause it was really cool, but i'm gonna go continue reading for a bit. i spent most of my day after my interview reading in the shade cause it was WAY too hot to try to walk back to benn's... and also i had no key... i was quite locked out for about an hour before benn got home. i found it highly amusing. i probably could have broken in if i had tried harder, but climbing in through their upstairs bathroom skylight seemed a little too conspicuous for me. and also i wasn't wearing the right shoes.

went out and saw "some like it hot" and "the apartment" tonight. SUCH sweet movies. john (also know as "cheap fuck", the guy from rocky horror picture show, who everyone has a crush on and i think is interesting and spent... a good deal of time chatting with him hearing his life story. he just seems like one of those people who would have a life story to tell *shrug*) invited me and i couldn't find him and his group before the first one, so i looked for him in the lobby after it, ou know see if i could see him come out of the theater. i felt... so stupid... i'm looking for this guy, that i met once, and when i did he was wearing white face and a purple wig. i spotted one guy who kinda looked like him but he didn't seem to recognize me so i figured it wasn't him, and if all else failed i'd talk to him online at some point and find out where he was. so i went back in the theater and did a quick look around again, and sho nuff, there's a familiar person leaning against the front balcony talkin to friends who waves at me. his friends looked really familiar. i think they just looked similar to other people i know, or minor de ja vou from probably breifly seeing them at rocky horror without really registering them into long term memory *shrug*. we went out to pizza afterwards, partially cause his friend ferguson had to use the bathroom and was stupid and hadn't gone at the theater, so we piled in the car and drove the three blocks back to essentially where we came from, and ran across the street and got pizza and ate it in the plaza while they talked about skateboards and snowboards they had bough and had broken or stolen, and injuries they'd gotten, and highschool, and film projects some had done, and i lay on my back and listened and it was interesting, and i felt once again very much like a college student. then we piled back into alex's van and they dropped me off at benns, alex thought that a street like palo alto ave should be bigger, and i explained, no it was because of the river and actually, interesting historical fact (yes i used those exact words cause i'm that much of a dork), people from east palo alto used to come up the river and burglarize the expensive houses and then float the booty back down stream. benn told me that one. i found it very clever :) all in all it was a nice way to spend a summer evening *goes to bed*

i JUST woke up... and it's been so hot today... i really took advantage of it :)

look who i found :)

*adds former fiance to list of links. people double take what they just read* yeah... it's a story ;)

you know, i just want to say that i love ingrid and i'm really sad that i didn't get to spend more time with her at rocky horror because she was looking so cute and she's such a sweetie and she jumped out to attack me when she arrived and i was just about to buy tickets. i love having people spontaniously jump out and attack me cause i haven't seen them in a while. *warm fuzzies* i need to have a birthday party that they can all come to

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAWR! RAWR! RAWR! RAWR! RAWR! RAWR! GAAAAAAH!!!!!
well at least she was nice and let me reschedule, and giggled at how befuddled i was for over sleeping and losing track of time, but still! RAAAAWR!! i hate myself! i am going to get better damn it! RAWR!

*three cookies later* ok, i'm a little better...

i turn 19 in two weeks. i need to have a party. and see people. who i saw last night, but last night wasn't the best night because benn really didn't enjoy himself and i was off talking with people. so we have to all get together in a non movie theater setting, preferably something with food too, and bounce about and stuff :)

... why do i do this to myself ...

just a reminder people: last rocky horror at the park theater is tonight. :D

you know those times that you've bought things and then promptly lost them. or bought something that was supposed to be on sale but then the clerk doesn't give the discount for it but you're not confident enough or just too confused at the moment to correct her. well thats happened to me a couple of times now... i bought some postcards for gunn friends that disappeared. i lost a pair of sunglasses within 6 hours of buying them (took them off when i went to a show, didn't notice till the next morning they were gone and they didn't turn up in the lost and found or anything). it seems like i've lost my keys. i'm sure if i looked hard enough i'd find them, but it's hard to say cause i only noticed like a week ago, and i hadn't used them for like 2 weeks before then, and in no real specific place. the only key that was on it was the one to benn's front door, but usually i'm with him, and when i'm not the only time i need it is to lock the front door and i can do that by locking it from the inside and taking another door out. but my key chain i had only bought just this year at the renissance fair. it was really cool and leather with the comedy/tragedy masks burnt in it. and i can probably buy another, and i have like a collection of random keychains at home if all else fails, but still, it was cool, and othe people thought it was cool, and it was so me, and i got it at ren faire *pouts* with regard to discounts there probably a couple rings i could've gotten for cheaper if i had more skills in the haggling department, and i bought a pair of dance pants that i was pretty sure were on sale but she didn't give me the discount, and in the end it's money i've already gotten back because benn bought me an anklet and 5 dollars for dinner that i bought, and it's a small dance store that we want to keep alive... but still it's just another thing on my list of things i've bought and felt like it would have been just as effective to just drop the money in the street and not have spent it in the first place. so what i'm going to do is give that same amount of money thats been thrown into the wind and donate it to charity.

which one tho?

preview of next year: boys playing video games, me wandering around, working on stuff, eating cookie dough...
whats happening tonight: boys playing video games, me wandering around, working on stuff, eating cookie dough...

but it's ok. benn and i bought 10 cd's for 5 dollars at the cd land closeout sale. haven't listened to all of them, a bunch we just picked cause they were complete cds that we could trade in at wearhouse for new cds and stuff, but as usual there are some ok ones in the pile. so far...
i grabbed a Strech Princess cd which is really good. i thought i recognized their name and sure enough it's got a song that you would have heard on the radio every other hour a couple years ago.
we then listened to Emm Gryner. she has a tori amos sort of piano style and some good lyrics and quite hum-able melodies... if only someone else were singing... i don't like her voice at all. i'm thinking i should lend it to the lady alexandra and have her figure out the piano-ness and then rerecord it with her singing the stuff :)
next we have "cold water flat". i can't tell if this is the name of the band, or the album, or both. i picked this one up because it had a pretty cover. it's a black and white photo with sort of a blurd garden background, focused on a little box with dried roses and a candle (i think, it's a little fuzzy, but thats what it looks like. why you would put the two of them in the same box...) and if you've ever seen my ceiling in my room at home, you'd get why was drawn to this cover. oh and the back is a sort of sepia photograph of a glass bottle with a cork on a flat of wood. anyway, the music is actually like this angsty punk/rock (i'm not good with placing genre's please don't kill me) guy group, and i very much think their soul purpose for producing this cd was to pick up chicks (or gay guys *shrug* you never know). think about. it's very much a romantic, mysterious, feminine appeal sort of cover, and then their music is all this angsty not angry but the kind of angst caused by too much feeling! we could have such a healthy relationship, i'm not perfect but possibly fixable if only i could find the right person (chick listening goes "why that could be me!" and runs off to find these cute musical boys)

anyway, thats all we've listened to so far. more later. if nothing else a list of titles ;)

pink floyd is so deep when you listen to them first thing in the morning/just after you wake up be that morning or not.

we have tickets to miib opening night, aka 8:10, aka the probably sold out show that EVERYONE with want to see so it will be the coolest audience ever. well maybe not ever, but it'll be damn cool :D

and i have a job interview for monday. everybody pray.

damn it, i want a job! i want money! i want to be able to buy things at the 4th of july fair and not worry about it! i want my birthday to be here so i can convince my parents to buy me things, so i can get birthday checks in the mail and finally pay benn back for all the movie tickets he's bought for me! RAWR! *seeths then calls talbots again to bug them about her job app*

i keep having naked dreams. where i'll be walking around either half naked or fully naked, either as a fashion statement or because my clothes were elsewhere. it's very disturbing. maybe i should sleep with some clothes on more often, give my dreams a sense of security...