i haven't checked my email in three days. i can't even get to the aol server. i feel so lost. also my saratonin levels feel really low cause i've been tired and down, and really i've been like that all week probably. i noticed my brain chemistry was off like a week ago, but i said to myself, "eh, you have an appt in like a week and a half, you can survive 10 more days of low medication." i can... hypothetically...
i wouldn't say i've been miserable, because everyone has been wonderful and we're just hanging out and having time to relax, but i feel like in the future if someone asked "so how was you're trip?" i'd give more of a "::shrug:: it was ok" answer. i'm also feeling really tired and fatigued. like my muscles get tired just sitting on the floor. of course, one's body doesn't usually enjoy slouching on the floor, but i feel like i'm getting tired quicker or more easily. anyway, lots of things to be discussed with the doctor on thursday. i'm gonna try to get together with jon tomorrow. still debating tho. i should because well we're in the same region right now and i haven't seen him for a month, but i'm so tired... but this is 11:40 at night, who knows how i'll feel tomorrow. i should shower.
that makes me really happy. after hanging out with neil and eating falafel (highly mediocer, but yummy. i want more now) and poking around in trappings of time (flaaaapper dreeeesses....) and borders (thats gonna have to be a different post completely) we came back here and played cards and then jesse and dan showed up and played with the settings on my computer and now it works! and it was so amusing cause i was just sitting back and not understanding a single word either of them were saying. it wasn't just greek, it was abreviated greek. i wished i had a video camera so i could just record it, i was so amused. many a moment like that today :-D
i got the best peice of advice from an actor the other day. he said "the only way you can really know if you should be an actor is if you truely feel there is nothing else you can do in the world"... now i just need to decide if theres nothing else in the world i want to do ...
note for the uneducated: the quote below is a they might be giants song, which reminded me alot of cake songs, so i've been listening to the three albums benn has on his computer and just funking out... shut the fuck up! *dances* learn to buck up! *dances*
i've been sleeping and playing scarab of ra these last few days, trying to distract myself from my increasing ocd and anxiety. it's really bad, i'm gonna call my doctor and see what she says.
mom got her facility dog. he is so sweet. i can very much see the labrador in ivri now. nivek and she have the same forehead. anyway, it was really weird, i was having anxiety about him last night. like i had this horrible feeling that something bad was going to happen to him and i had no idea why. it helped when benn turned onto his back so i could cuddle with him and have his arms around me. thats another thing, i've been seriously affection starved recently, but not for lack of affection. i dunno. i'm just feeling more insecure about everything, it's horrible. and it's not helping that benn's at work right now *pout*. i dunno, in the end i'm still amazingly in love with him. just the other day i practicly started crying just looking at him. i'm so lucky. and i just want us to be in a situation where we don't have to stress about anything, don't have to worry about things we need to do, we can just cuddle and relax and read books and talk and let the world fade away. *sigh*....
bluejuh: Yeah, we'll need at least one big pot, a couple saucepans, a cookie sheet some frying pans and a baking pan or two.
NeeliaBuzz: *nodnod*
bluejuh: 'course... at first all we need is one good Pot... pasta, soup, hot chocolate... all bow down to the awesome power of: The Pot.
NeeliaBuzz: naw, frying pans are the way
NeeliaBuzz: ability to make eggs, quisadillas, cook things in a non-boiling fashion
Citan5217: MICROWAVE
Citan5217: My microwave can cook a cat in 3 minutes flat
Shurakaina: *studiously ignoring the conversation*
bluejuh: mmmm... canned cat
i just took like a three hour nap... i love summer
i also got to cuddle with my cat for a bit. he coughed on me. it was really pathetic. he's so old and skinny and decreped. but he's never been sweeter! or maybe he has and i just don't remember cause i've been around benn's bitchy cat too much. or i just haven't been home recently. one of the two.
so david bowie in concert is wonderful. he is amazingly attractive and so british it makes you just want to DIE! and then in moby's set he talked about idolizing moby in his teenage years and never would he have believed you if you had told him he would one day be shareing the stage with him. anyway, i would so be moby if i were a rock star, cause i would TOTALLY be tempted to break out into showtunes or songs that weren't mine, and i would talk about my childhood and i would interact with the audience and show off my band members and videotape the audience and totally take in each cultural experience in each area (he was pointing out there was a certain femininity and relaxedness of the dance style in sf that you don't see other places). i need more moby in my life. i was dancing like an idiot while my sister and benn were sitting, bobbing their heads, and tapping their feet. his concerts are so awsome. :D
so now to figure out what we're going to do about beds next year.
you know, dispite everything, i'm genuinely touched when someone says they miss me. gives me a feeling of making an impression on the world. and yes, i know, very self involved response but those are the first thoughts that come to mind... when i try to think if i miss someone back... well, reminds me who else i am missing... and life is rather happy so why should i make it less so by missing people that i can't feasably bring back in my life. i'm rambling. cutting to chase, cause i don't want to be all passive and cryptic: i had a bout of missing jonathan a couple nights ago, more bittersweet than mournful tho, and i miss john who's in riverside. but i'm not about to break up with my boyfriend or hop town for riverside so basically, nothing i can really do. so i acknowledge the feeling and move on (or not since i've just blogged about it and i've been having lossa ocd episodes recently, but thats another blog entirely)
moby.... rules....
if i'm ever a rock star i'm going to be exactly like him. details later. to bed i go.
small update: saw "mum" in concert. really cool band from iceland, everyone should download their music cause they were wonderful in a universal way :). saw "kodo" in concert. tiako drumming. always cool. outdoor theater so i was a bit chilly but had a benn to snuggle up to. i'm going to try to find tiako drumming classes in santa cruz if i can.
other news: i am SO COOL! benn has finally inadvertantly persuaded me to make a chain maille glove. now, making a small sheet of chain maille into a loop is one thing (straight forward but satisfying when you do it none the less) but closeing the tip so it doesn't fall down your finger... i was kinda playing it by ear, and i really wasn't expecting it too turn out as well as it did, i thought it was going to be far more rough and... well, not as cool as it ended up. and then i managed to do the same thing (pretty much) twice (one on each side) so not only do i feel cool, i feel SO COOL!! i have made a chain maille FINGER TIP! people DON'T DO THAT EVERYDAY! i am cool :D:D:D:D:D *bouncebouncebounce*
what have we found? the same old fear... wish you were here...
i miss santa cruz. more specificly i miss porter. we went and played pool after we saw signs (i liked it, benn thought it was a little slow and took a long time to establish itself) and the last time i played pool was at porter, and i played pool at porter alot or just hung out while other people played pool and it was a fun and relaxing environment where i was really just in my element and i miss it. :(
i DO! i AM! i LOVE that discription! that IS how i am! and if it's not thats REALLY how i WANT to be, and I feel like i am :D even if orginally, seeing the movie, i'd really identify more with molly grue
my dad found a tape of nora and i singing. he thinks it might have been from 88 which would make me 4 or 5 years old (and nora 8). i can really tell why she would always get big parts in the shows at pac... and how i could have... maybe... if nora weren't so fucking intimidating. i seriously didn't start singing around the house until after nora had left for college. and i still stop singing when someone walks in the room;a display, i think, of my fear of singing in front of people i'm not comfortable with. i was terrible at auditions. i'd always choke. well not choke, but not do very well. and even on the tape with nora i wasn't as free and belting as she was. and i know.. we're different people.. but i'm having a middle child moment.. so sue...
oh! and the townhouse is going to be majorly pimpin
we ordered new carpets today (the lady who came and sold it to us was really attractive), went to lunch at walnut ave cafe (they had never been there. it was such a crime to culinary humanity), then bought a table and dinning room chairs set for 199... the whole thing... the other tables by them selves were going for 247 and up! it was so awsome! so we now have a 3' x 4' table and really quite comfy wooden chairs which we will pick up on wednesday since the carpet is being put in on tuesday. it is totally going to look like a different apartment. the rugs are so filthy right now. we really think the the last people who lived there were druggies. the woman had no teeth, the guy had a beer belly and looked like he had been doing drugs for quite some time, and the place was an absolute hole. like garbage and junk all over. it was discusting. and i saw it when it was apparently "cleaned up". anyway, so one of our arguements to changing the locks is the possibility that several drug lords in town probably have keys to the place. that and the lock is very sticky and hard to move. but yeah, our current story is that it was a former drug hole :D
it once again that time where i get to write to our class alumni person about what we've been up to so we may be published about in the "around the circle". my knee jerk almost response was going to be "aileen is doing so much better now that she's not at castilleja. santa cruz, is exactly what she needed. she failed to get a job this summer, not for lack of trying, and has ended up doing slave labor of love for the san jose rep in exchange for the occasional sandwich. this will probably be the rest of her life."
whatcha think?
i always get so many ideas and creative ways to express myself when confronted with a "give us a blurb about this last year/summer/what you've been up to/plans for next year" or those "where will you be in 20 years?" sort of thing. for the senior event program i wrote out like 2 pages of possible predictions to submit. reading them over when i found them again i really thought i should have just stuck with the first one cause it was basicly a run on sentence tieing in everything i could think of for my insane future. they probably wouldn't have taken it tho cause it was so long. i should probably jsut submit a tad less cynical version of the above for around the circle. i doubt they'd publish it as is and take out the good parts.
DUDE! mapquest.com now has aerial photo's as an option as well as a map! it's SO COOL! you can see your house! DUDE! that makes me so incredibly happy, even if my first reaction was, "the things we're doing with satillites these days..."
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