i'm currently listening to "supressed emotions" over and over again thinking that somehow i'll absorb the lyrics while i'm checking blogs and writing one myself. not always actually successful.
boys frustrate me. "the things that i want, i don't seem to get. the things that i get, you know what i mean?" and i am not one to tred on eggshells. no siree. i am reckless, plow forward, say what others are scared too, and you know if nothing else i am brave. so fuck it, i don't give up my center for nobody!
in other news.. ah, i forget now
i got topless in porter quad and dropped trou. didn't go down to bare ass but now i'm wishing i did. its really fun. once again i find its a lot easier to be naked than one would think it would be. its the anticipation, the fear of becoming naked that i think a lot of people have, and i have a bit too. but once naked, hey man! whats the big deal? its my body! everyone's got one!
Me: *pounce*
Him: hola
Me: hi hi
Me: i was just thinking of calling you
Him: this is probably better - i have no voice currently
Me: but i thought i'd pour out my angst into blog form first
Him: ok
Me: *shrug* long day and i have yet another coldsore taking over my chin because the weather has changed and that just makes it mad
Him:
could be worse, i suppose, if those are your top worries for the day
Me: well, thats just been the overarching pain in the ass today
Him: ah
Him: so it goes a bit deeper then?
Me: yeah
Me: so i was singing today...
Me: as i often do...
Me: cause i know a lot of songs...
Him: uh huh
Me: and i enjoy singing...
Me: and couple friends from acting studio were talking and randomly songs were coming to mind so instead of contributing to the conversation i would burst out in song that in my mind was somewhat related to the conversation
Him: uh huh
Me: and at one point my friend athena turned to me and said "aileen, i'm not sure how i am supposed to react when you break out into song..."
Him:
Me: and for a split second i thought she was joking or sort of mocking way of communicating concerns in acting studio, as many of us do on occasion, but then i realized she was serious and was actually kinda made uncomfortable by me singing randomly and her not knowing what she shoudl do
Him: LOL
Me: as she continued "i mean, am i supposed to sing along or clap and say 'yay, beautiful singing' or what?"
Him: oh, so she was just being a bitch then?
Me: and i sort of mumbled a "well, no you don't have to do anything, i just sing all the time, its just *shrug* something i enjoy"
Me: no, she wasn't
Me: being a bitch that is
Him: well that's good
Him: odd that she would be so dumbfounded by it, but then, the world is populated by 6 billion people, so there's bound to be some strange ones out there, percentages being as they are...
Me: and i didn't get in a little amendum of "i like providing background music" which was my statement of purpose back in highschool but she had gotten back into the actual conversation
Me: anyway, its been kinda making me question that habit and liek what i'm actually trying to acheive if anything when i sing at someone, and makes me wonder if everyone is as dumbfounded or made uncomfortable cause they don't know what to do...
Him: usually when someone sings at me (and it's actually happened on more than one occasion, by more than one person), i just kind of wait for them to finish... i figure they must be filling in the lull of the conversation i'm not contributing much to, they may as well entertain themselves
Me: yup
Him: it takes me off guard, but i don't really care about it one way or another - i think "hey, if you can sing, go for it, because I can't"
Him: but that's just my take on it
Me: and really, whats so bad about being caught off gaurd
Him: as to what you're trying to achieve, i dunno
Me: its just song
Me: its not like i whip out a knife or something
Him: that'd probably freak out people less... they know how to react to that...
Him: maybe you should try combining the two, see what happens... :-)
Me: LOL
Me: this is really true
Him: well, on that particular window into the more twisted aspect of my soul, i shall depart.
last night was first rain.
so i've missed first rain these last three years. first i was living at cowell and people don't get naked at cowell, they get out lawn chairs and wait for the naked people to come to them. 2nd and 3rd year i was off campus. this year, i was at the crown bus stop when it started raining. had i been at any other bus stop (no thats a lie, had i been at the porter bus stop. i would have stripped naked and started running around. however, i was not in porter territory. nor did the rain last that long. it had about 5 seconds of good downpour and then it filtered down to a trickle. by the time we got over to porter, the rain had stopped and there were maybe two people in their boxers and a girl from college 8 with nothing under her sweatshirt and pjs (amongest other people who were hanging out fully clothed). we stood around and talked for a while, looked up at the sky, the clouds were starting to break up a bit, it didnt look like it was going to happen tonight. i decided i had made enough of an effort to at least have a story. we started walking back to the bus stop. halfway there another cloud burst. the college 8ians ran back to the quad. angelo and i continued to the bus stop and kissed in the rain. fade in fade out involving peter woolhouse hanging out for a bit, his friends getting lost, me helping them out. it starts to rain again. heavy rain. i pine. james decides to go for it, hops a bus up to campus, angelo and i have an empty apartment at our disposal...
i am waking up to the arrhythmical pounding of various drums as high school marching bands get set up a block from my apartment. my window faces the street. james' does not. if i didn't have a very nice boy in my bed i would crawl into james'. but i'm rather liking said boy. he's catching on quite well. and i'm coming to realize that like benn and our three hour sex session, i am the vessel into which all of this boy's highschool sexual frustration is being poured. made for a fun night last night :) i just think too much.
so i got to hang out in the dorms tonight. i hadn't done that in quite some time. i think the last time i was in that sort of environment surrounded by that many geeky people was in berkeley with neil and his probably going to declare double physic major friends.
you know, i like freshman. they're all younge and not jaded and not yet caring about the real world and not freaking out about their lives and everything in them. they're still embarcing their inner kid. they're still playing. they're still laughing while they're sober. i like that...
an exchange of emails...
Hi Aileen.
It's been a while since I last called. I can only assume you let go because I never see you online, I guess you changed your screen name or blocked me or soemthing. I don't care. I've pretty much let go too. I know we were planning on staying in touch a bit, trying to be friends. I guess that is dying, or dead or whatever. Anyway. I'm just e mailing you to wish you well. Wonder about you sometimes, how life is going, theater. Do you wear those bracers I made for you ever? How's the new apartment. If you really just don't care.... e mail me back with the words 'let go' and I'll just let go of you forever. It's up to you. Seems like you already have made a decision anyways. Anyways, wish you well.
- Ari
...........
ari,
the big thing right now is i don't feel like i'm able to be the best possible me around you. sure, i have the ability to be nice and make small talk and such, but i still get a knot in my stomach and constrictions in my chest and just feel disgusting when i think about what happened. and i'm not sure if thats ever going to go away, maybe in time, i have no idea. but in the meantime i have a severe guard up because of you and what happened and i resent you for that and i'm not made happy by the awareness or reminders of that. i'm sure with time and energy we could probably work thru it but thats not where my priorities lie. [aka i have better things to do with my time than try to rekindle a friendship with you after what happened. i have better things to do than sit around and be reminded of what you did and feel like i'm going to vomit] i know you don't run, and you face things, and i know i'm taking the easy way out here, but you know, its college, its a big ol world, i've got other things in my life that i'd rather focus on than a part that caused me so much frustration and pain. esp since currently if we were to be friends and hang out and stuff there would be constant reminders (aka your girlfriend) of what happened, and well, since i don't HAVE to face that, i don't think i'm going to. [hm, so i guess i did manage to put the above into more civil words *pats self on the back*]
alright, so i guess the short version of the above (which i should probably delete or put in a journal instead of sending to you, but we've always been honest with eachother so why stop now) is yeah, let go. i do still cherish our fond memories, even if they are bitter sweet at this point. i'm grateful for the changes and awarenesses you brought out in me, esp the awareness of energy and that power and helping me clarify where i was in my life, tho sometimes that meant me doubting us and i'm sorry for the pain that brought you. i really am. i'm sorry about our confusions, i'm sorry about the ways they fell out, out it was an experience i needed to have to discover those personal problems. so i'm grateful that i had you in my life for a period of time. if we run into each other in the distant future i will gladly have lunch with you and see if a friendship may be developed at that point in different circumstances. anyway, enjoy the rest of your college carrier. think about what i said with hypno therapy. i really think thats something you're good at and could share with more people. but whatever you do, make sure you're happy. its your life, do not comprimise it for anyone elses happiness. never let go of your center! (all stuff we were getting into in acting studio today, so its in the front of my mind) anyway, take care, be well, see you around
aileen
...........
Fair enough. I agree with you after seeing you today. My heart hurt a lot this evening after seeing you. I can't handle it either. It's not the easy way out. It's the right thing to do. Enjoy life Aileen, really.
- Ari
a conversation
(i'm in a sort of half asleep state, he's in a slightly inebriated one. think talking slow and giggling a lot)
me: we'll mull over these stories in a dive bar sometime soon...
him: yeah
me: ...and then have wild passionate sex... *feigns incredulity* did i say that out loud?
him: *giggles* no
me: ok good... cause that would be really embarassing!
*more giggling*
me: can't have you knowing my secret intentions! then they wouldn't be secret anymore... i'm so bad at having secret intentions
him: i was about to say, do you even HAVE secret intentions?
me: well not anymore! the problem with being honest and impatient.
i've been having really weird deja vou all day. and its been deja vous to a dream
christopher reeve died... i gasped... seems to be my only available expression of shock and grief...
*smirk* bagged another one! or should i say BANGed! OH!
i'm so terrible... but i'm fun, and honest dammit!
and everyone should go see 'what the bleep do we know?'
Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque (courtesy of tess)
Your Name: Aileen
Superhero Name: The Nerd
Super Power: Severe Mood Swings
Enemy: J-Lo
Mode Of Transportation: Mechanical Bull
Weapon: Vinyl Records
i've had "here comes the sun" stuck in my head off and on these last couple days. but its one of those songs that i don't know entirely, so i'm probably making up half the words, and would be really embarassed to post what i think they are. ah well.
here comes the sun, do do dodo, here comes the sun, and i say, its all right, ah ooooo
its a very calming song. hooray for the beatles.
