why don't i just change the nam of this site to "where aileen fell asleep today"? it would save me much time. i could just blog "in the library" rather than "i fell asleep in the library today". time saver i tell you! *raises fists defiantly. loses energy. falls over* need... food...
in other news i've really been wanting to jsut blog the song lyrics that are in my head at the moment i feel like blogging, but they have absolutly no relavence to anything... well maybe they do, but not conciously. anyway, i've had beatles songs, candide, and candide stuck in my head. "we'll build out house and chop our wood, and make our garden grooooooooooow!" beautiful stuff, bernstein is great.
btw all, these next two weeks involve finals and projects and papers and shit. so yeah. sorry if i'm not at my most poetic. i'll try to catch up after schools out.
it rained. buckets. i need to get rain boots. with my cloak on, my feet and calves are the only things that get wet (and boy do they get wet) so i need to get me some golashes, and i'll be SET :D
i am once again not doing my homework. i was able to get out of bed this morning, which is a step up from yesterday, but there had been a black out of some kind over the weekend so i actually got the the dining hall at 9:45 instead of 9:15 so i didn't get my warm breakfast. got myself a pumkin cheesecake muffin and odwalla, came back to my room, filled out an email SURVEY (uch, how low can i go), fell asleep in class, filmed with bryy and teresa, and i'm back... procrastinating by writing out my highly exciting day.
btw, there was more to this weekend than rampant animal sex. that was just sunday. i was in santa barbara for thanksgiving and most of the weekend. went on hikes, played with cousins (one of which is about 2/3 my hieght but maybe 20 pounds heavier than me), slept in, saw the harry potter movie (script needed work, visual were very nice tho), ate yummy food (fresh yellow tail, fillet minion, as well as turkey) had a nice relaxing recovering weekend.
and now i have to go to class. we're studying socrates. he's fun.
this deep and meaningful blog was brought to you by: the hiccups
the kit says "insert the vaginal supositories (i love that word, it has such rythem in it) at bedtime". now, with my sleep schedual, this is a highly relative subject. sure, for this medication it means "when you are going to be lying stagnant in a horizontal position for an extended period of time" but what happens with my other medication? if i go on birth control pills i should have them write "take orally at 3 o'clock in the afternoon daily" on the pack. then i'll take them regularly. "bedtime" is not regularly these days.
*sigh* as if my own archives weren't tempting enough, now there are other people's. theres just so little to do when you're up at 5 am and looking for a distraction.
current thought that could turn into an aimless blog: why are online tests that give you a "you are __% _______" so appealing? is it our inner desire to make sense of this petri dish we call our brain, and feeling slightly comforted by quantitative answers because those are more tangible and definite, therefore we need not think about it too hard because the number is just there?
and once again, the allure of my own past comes to taunt me and say "HA ha, you'll never finish three papers in one night!" yeah, well i'm working on getting two out of three. as they say in squazeeland, "not bad." now i just need to resist the urge to curl up and sleep in order to be all poetic and profound in an essay about dualities. wish me luck *swish*
p.s. i'm not sure whether blogging alot about it made me remember it better or if i just blogged long and hard on the events that i would remember well no matter what, but yeah, there was many a little blog that i couldn't remember what it pertained to really. probably just poetic thoughts that were floating around in my head that i felt needed to be documented *shrugs and swishes, for real this time*
i woke up at 8:30 with a cold sore tingling at my lip. hello.
i took medication for it and turned off my alarm and woke up two hours later. went to class 20 minutes late, didn't turn in my critics b/c i haven't done them, telling myself i'd do them in the afternoon and put them in his box, went home, realized i was supposed to film with bryy, collapsed on my bed, set my alarm to wake me up in an hour, woke up with it, decided "fuck it", went back to sleep, slept about 5 hours this afternoon. i feel a bit better. it was truely odd waking up at 2, i totally thought i had slept through to the next day and i was late for core.
i finally emailed the guy directing seven guitars about the light board op position. i apologized for not getting to him sooner, i'd been sick for the past week now. i've lost track of how many illnesses my body has right now. i know at least 2 types of a cold, bladder infection, yeast infection (as a result of the bladder infection medication, my mom says), a lack of luvox and thyroid dizzy spell, another cold, and a cold sore breakout.
i don't think my body is responding well to stress.
*in a bad italian accent*guys, you're not going to do les miz because a) it's a terrible musical, b) it's still on broadway and castilleja doesn't have that kind of money, and c) how the hell would you put it on?
ah yes, the results of aileen being up till two actually working. well, there was an hour in there i wasn;t, but on the whole i've been relativly productive. now to write two critics for the shows i've seen here...
nnngggghhh.... *shudders* i REALLY don't understand why women would rip out patches of hair in senistive areas for the sake of beauty. the legs i can understand, but your pubic hair? your armpits? you poor poor sick fucks. get a labotamy and move to europe.
oh, and tamar. i didn't think they were disappearing, i just think it's a good thing to do when you change online journals, i dunno. for posterities sake if nothing else :)
i didn't understand the song thing on lindsay's website until i read jeeyon's as well (don't worry hun, i'm sure ethan hawke will be your teacher someday :). holy shit people. where did you find this? *whiny 6-year-old* the song writters at columbia are gonna be piii-iiised. i'm telling mom.
;)
i know our see-through love will last for nanoseconds
i will be there for nanoseconds
oh yeah, my love!
nanoseconds, nanoseconds, nanoseconds! -lindz
ah what i must be missing out on during free periods in the lab...
i's got a stuffy nose. i done fell asleep in sociology class. i need to write a hugely profound essay on various themes and shit, and i don't bull shit all too well. bleh... must... take.. nap...
and tamar-o has moved. once more. *mwahahahahahaha* we have sucked her into the blogspot-ness. take THAT live journal!
btw hun, you might be doing this already, but you should save bunches of your old diary entrys in a word document or something, i dunno, i just don't want them to disappear on you or anything. *hug*
indeed. jonathan is our all knowing, all powerful (sex) ;) GOD. all hail jonathan.
but remember casti citizens, you would never have met him and been introduced to blogger if it hadn't been... for me. so all hail me. *looks very suave and proud*
i am at such a state of drug withdrawl and anti-biotic high, combineds with lack of sleep and glasses, that my vision and verbal skills are failing me. it's really interesting, the corner of my desk is like a mini pharmacy. kinda scary actually.
there was a point in the movie "life as a house" where the girl comments to the guy that she's thinking she won't shave her legs and her pit that summer. some chick and her friend sitting in front and to the right of us made very audible sounds of discust at that idea. i hate our culture.
everything seems so peaceful right now. just reading everyones posts about the meteor shower, and having the quiet hum of the heater, and a beautiful, wonderful sleeping boy next to me... and really the only song lyrics that come to mind are "who will buy this wonderful feeling. i'm so high i swear i could fly. me oh my, i don't want to lose it...
so what am i to do
to keep the skys so blue?"
...i don't know...
shit. i really hate how when i use the scroll button on the mouse on benn's computer, the blog i was just writting disappears. all that sweet and affectionate emoting gone :(
tonight was one of the more romantic nights of my life. i'm so in love. after seeing movies (we theater hopped from monsters inc. to life as a house, which was really shmaltzy) we got two pints of icecream and a bag of sun chips (cause i like chips) and came home and snacked and then went outside and then climbed up on the roof and watched the meteor storm for maybe two hours. it was so amazingly wonderful. i just want to keep him forever and ever. *sigh* mrowr...
yeah, i think you and i are both closet introverts (heh. the redundancy. it's funny). the real (or more acurate) distinction between introverts and extroverts is that extroverts get a more of a thrill with a new person, and an introvert gets more of a thrill with a new idea... i've been noticing more and more that i fit into the latter, even if i do consider myself good with meeting new people. i dunno. i like the idea of being an intellectual. it reminds me of my parents.
it was really interesting. i paged my mom this morning (morning? what am i talking about, it was at 4 or 5 in the afternoon!) to ask about what to do since my obvious bladder infection was pretty bad, and the conversation kinda went like this
"hi mom. its a bladder infection."
"oh. have you become sexually active?"
"indeed"
"funny how those things corralate, eh?"
anyway, it became a really frank and open conversation about birth control, and fade in fade out, i let her know that i used condoms for the random encounters, she said "oh", i said, "you raised me well mom", and it degenerated into a gushing conversation about how i love them. yeah. at the hospital (i had to go, they wouldn't just perscribe me antibiotics cause i told them i needed it, they needed dip stick proof) my name was recognized, and while they were getting my general stats (i'm almost 110, it's so exciting) i heard one of the nurses comment "is that doctor menkin's daughter?" it was an interesting feeling, being known. *shrug*
benn is wonderful. it feels so good to have him close by again. i didn't realize how contact starved i was. he says he can tell i'm sick, that my scent is slightly off. we watched the crying game. it's a really good movie. *sigh* alright, time for advil to kick in. please.
readers: the below is not a cry for attention, it's just me writing. do not feel like you need to rush to my aid, tho i am not saying leave me alone. *shrug* i dunno. read. it's an interesting look at what my mind does at these odd hours of the morning. nothing new, i just happened to be on my computer, not my bed. :)
four rambling paragraphs and i didn't even document the scene i wasn't sure if i'd documented. sitting in core class argueing whether dionysian or apollonian was good or bad. me, absolutly not relating to the analogy of drugs, sitting there facinated my the dicotamy and the hypocracy of sitting there trying to label one as good or bad. i was sitting there and i could FEEL the gears physically turning in my head as i tryed to sort this all out. and i'd randomly say bits of the parts that were clear to see if the ideas bounced off anyone. this was the class that max said the "sex is the greatest drug that i've ever expierienced" -this wasn't the format i was going to ducument this memory in- and i was trying to sort out the left and right possitions on sex because they didn't seem to be on the same angle. it's as if the apolonian desires control of sex, and dionysian desires sex with recless abandon, and yet with my right and left theory it felt like the right denied the existance of sex and there for any knowlege and practice of it was as shameful as the tasting of the forbidden fruit (well, DUH, right tend to based they're views on religious beliefs) where as the left feels that the fruit should not be forbidden and is not shameful and is something that exists and people should be open about it. you see how they have similar focal points but are different angles. i need a visual demonstration of one horizontal line, and one line tilted at 30 degrees and intersecting in the middle with the horizontal line. i don't know where i'm going with this either. new terms: they are like similar colored yin-yang symbols but slightly different shades. that works so much better. uch, western culture sucks with dualities. *sigh* it's seriously the core of so many problems. but that is another topic. and i must sleep.
sometimes i fear if i've really documented everything i wanted/ment to document. i have random moments and memories that right now feel like they could be in there somewhere forever, and i almost have a fear that if i didn't document them here, someday, i might be looking through these and rereading them, and my memories will be completely remolded depending on which stories i chose to write down back here, those will be the one i will be allowed to remember down the line. the stories i'm passing on to my future self. have i documented the ones i've wanted to? i'm not sure. there are so many times that i'll be thinking about blogging but i won't blog because i have to work and i must resist the urge to procrastinate, but the truth is, i then end up getting barely anything done. i've produced so much on this blog tonight. i don't know how much is going to be comprehensible tomorrow. if that earlier one is going to be one of those philsophical blogs that i put down and then never really go backto so eventually it fades and i'm almost afraid to look at it cause i fear that it will be too confusing, too convaluted and my faint recolection of the idea will be further smudged. i feel like these free writing phases i go through should just stay as such. preserved in that little recollection of a train of thought mold in my head, i'm just typing out of habit, and because i would be talking to other people- no, because this is far more permanent than simply verbably telling it to someone, or to simply be lying in bed with these thoughts going through your mind, preventing you from falling asleep. i feel like i'm just sitting here typing in that frame of mind. i could be thinking these exact same things just lying in bed, but instead i'm sitting at my computer waiting for my crotch to stop burning and wanting to know why my crotch is burning in the first place and wanting some way to fix it but having it be four in the morning so i can't do anything, and i can't sleep cause my mind is still producing thoughts that are just begging to get loose from their incomprehenible cage of neurons and chemical reactions that leave me more confused and awake and causeing them to work harder. *sigh* i smell of sickness too. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i not healthy? *gets out the little tampon insert thing to check if her symptoms are that of toxic shock syndrom* hm.. the first thing it says is sudden high fever. i don't think i have a sudden high fever. so it doesn't look like toxic shock syndrom. it's simply a bladder infection and a sore throat because it's cold outside and i've probably been yelling to much and not taking care of upper half either. fuck.
see this is why i never go to sleep. i have the above times five happening in my head every single night. my mind just continually avoiding what it needs to think about and focus on, i.e. HOMEWORK, essays, and reading, and just fumbling around in circles about this and that and the other thing in absolutly no kind of rationaly organized order or anything. i have shallow deep thought. instead of going on and on about the gossip and social interactions at an uneduacated level of knowlege about their motives and backgrounds (really not pointing fingers at readers, just random blogs i've clicked on in the "recently updated" list that had interesting names) and instead go on and on at an uneducated level about the workings and wirings of my head, or philisophical like thoughts that feel like the deepest things in the world to me, but kant or neitzche would find elementary. it jsut takes me longer to chew and swallow my ideas and ideas that are fed to me. no thats a bad analogy cause them sometimes i chew and then stop chewing and the thing jsut desolves and disappears (hm, maybe this anaogy works) or i chew and produce something half-way intellegent, but then since i had spent too much time chewing that thought, i have to imidiatly stuff my mouth with another one, but i really want to conintue chewing the thought i was getting somewhere with but i can't and my energy and focus is all over the place and i don't produce anything. *sigh*
if only i could do this much train of thought writting with my essays. i just never seem to be able to sustain the thought through getting myself set up and comfortable in front of a computer with a word document open on it. *sigh* it's the lack of writing that distracts me. it gets my mind all worried about word counts and filling the pages and then i'm not thinking about my ideas and my point. with this i have no bounderies. i'm just writing cause i feel like it and because i happen to be in a mode where my fingers are moving across the keyboard in tandem with my thought. i think this part of my brain is just more readaly connected to my output circutry. it just doesn;t seem like my formulated intellectual section of my brain, i.e. the part that has to write essays, is as readily connected to my writting output section. it's certainly connected to my oral output. i can go on quite intellegently for hours about my ideas and theorys, but theres something about having to sit down and physically write it and know that it will eventually have to be ORGANIZED that i just don't handle well. it's my predictably stumbling block. and as a result, i anticipate it, and why set out runing if you know your going to fall flat on your face in a couple paces. anyway, hence my lack of motivation and complete aviodence of my tasks. from the habit of constant failing, i fear the task. and never seem to be able to attribute my successes to the task. or attribute a possible better structure as being a way to lessen the power of the stumbling block.
i seem to be quitessentially devided into the characters from waking life: "he's no better than we are. he's all action, no theory. we're all theory and no action." those are the two sides of me. my poles that i seem to get stuck at either end of, and never seem to be able to sustain a balance in. i can't even comfortably use that metaphore cause half the point of my core essay is about how western culture sucks for making us think in linear poles, when the asian really had it down with the circular nature of it all. and i keep feeling like if we had started with that as our base of knowlege and as our way of thinking, we would be able to get much deeper into the concept instead of using sdo much of our brain power converting lines into circles. that in itself is such a deep concept, it makes iot more difficult to see what is beyond it. (wow. just after i typed that i went into organized analytical mode, and i suddenly couldn't type my thoughts any more. they were too scattered random, unconnected.ABSTRACT. it was all abstract non verbal images going through my head. how the hell am i supposed to type words when i'm not even thinking in words yet. this is why explaining my ideas out loud helps me clear them up so well. *sigh* i'm going to sleep)
*ring*
mmmgggg.. hello?...
hi mom? are you able to give medical advice while half asleep?
... it's three thirty in the morning ...
i know, but i think i'm pissing blood. i'm not sure if it's from my piss or my period, but i've drank maybe 5 glasses of cranberry juice today and i'm not sure if it's helping or not
i'm not sure how the rest of the conversation would go, but the thought of the begining amused me. and in case you haven't notice there is very little censorship of my thoughts on this page. i only censor my thoughts that i post if i know that it will effect events between other people. gruesome details about my body and ailments are not going to cause two other people to break up... and i would be very intruiged if i did. could be an awesome tool to ruling the world someday, who knows.
i am so behind in core homework, i just realized that. i'm too facinated with myself and my personal life right now to be bothered with school. i really don't think people will buy that as a viable excuse tho. *sigh* shit.
it's official. i'm addicted.
is it bad to be attracted to a guy over the internet through his work? i dunno, he's just one of those cool people you really just want to be the best friend of, because you know they're getting flocked around, and you want that special "in" cause you know they're not nearly as open and cool with their random admiring aquaintences as they are with close friends. *shurg* it's my insatiable desire and love of feeling special to new people. it gives me warm fuzzies. this is kinda why i want to be famous, cause that would be the ultimate experience of being special to hundreds of people. but on that scale you really can't interact with all of them on a good personal level to really connect with them and really discover whats special and unique about them, and on such a large scale, you're really not able to CARE about each and every one of them, either because you don't have the energy, or the energy that you give is not trusted as full energy because they know your spreading it out over alot of people, which is exactly how i feel as a fan of the ingredientx duo. or for that matter as any sort of admited fan. i feel like since there is such a club, it diminishes the power that each individual has. it's exactly the same reason i can take christmas on family scale, but not on social wave/trend scale. when individuals do it for a small group it's special, it's heartfelt. when entire populations of masses of people do it, it seems like they're all doing it because every one else is; my mind just has to make that analogy because it is difficult for me to intermingle a small scale analogy with a large scale analogy. it's near impossible. one cannot focus on 10,000 small interperson moments at once. on that scale, the mind needs to reduce it to something more bite size. we can't help it; it's instinct. we need to save the brain power. our brains feel better seeing the top of a forest as a sea of green, rather than seeing 10,000 individual differently but similarly moving leaves.
you know what it is. lev yilmaz reminds me of tom. he's the kind of guy that would be really interesting/cool/nice/pick an adj/fun to meet at a bus stop, kinda randomly turn to and comment about something we know we're both listening to, end up talking and hanging out with, share complicated life stories and play a couple highly competitive games of air hocky with, and then at the end of the night realize/notice/marvle at how you managed to click with a really attractive and interesting stranger, and then have absolutly amazing sex at the end of the night, and really not worry about whether its going to just be that once or if it'll develope into something more. just having that shared moment, an extended shared moment, and being grateful and amazed at how incredibly powerful it was as a contained entity, in and of itself. i don't think many people recognize those in their lives. maybe thats really what blogs are. contained documented moments of varying degrees of power. i think it takes a really dense, compact, amazingly powerful one to jar your brain into noticing them tho. or maybe it's just sex in general. most wonderful quotable thing ever said in core class: "sex, one of the most powerful drugs i've ever experiences" -max. seriously tho, it's got such higher perks and way fewer pits. wow. how unique my experience is. that sounds really nieve, and this is going to sound egotistical, but it's true, and you know it. i am so damn lucky. i have so much love and wonderfulness in my life. more people should have this. i feel like i should almost find some way to transfer my experiences to those that haven't ever had the chance to experience them. how did i get what i've gotten? why hasn't the wealth been shared equally? why can't every couple be a perfect match? *sigh*
life is happiness indeed. i get to be parts of wonderful experiences everyday. i love it.
you know, we all are really, we just don't always have the time to stop and notice such things
there has been weather recently. you in silicon valley that read this, do not know what weather is. you have atmosphere. SANTA CRUZ has weather. i don't really like winter. i always get sick. and for some reason, i feel worse getting sick in the winter than i do in the summer. maybe it's cause in the summer i have nothing to do and can happily sit around drugged out of my mind doing nothing but sleeping. and the heat feels uncomfortable, but you don't actively attribute it to propetuating the sickness, where as in winter the tempurture is very much what you blame it on. anyway, sore throat, slight headache: not fun. the former combined with being behind in most of my homework (i.e. and essay and a question write up thing): really not fun. all that combined with a yeast-bladder infection of some sort: REALLY not fun. BUT, going to bed before three am last night and seeing waiting for godot tonight: quite fun. i love nick, nick is fun :) he was vladimir, and i flicked him in the head this morning in design class. release the inner flicker :)
ingrid, i haven't been able to read your page for a few days, an error of some sorts comes up and eventually crashes the program cause computers are stupid like that. anyway, yeah. i love you and it pisses me off that i can't read your blog
i think my calf muscles are getting bigger, i'm not sure, but they seem to be larger than the last time i remember, it's very exciting.
well, i've managed to not take a nap this afternoon, and at the same time i've managed not to kill anyone or do physical damage to things. the trick is to know when to vent, and who to vent and fume at, cause as we all know, holding it in is bad, and fuming to the wrong people is also bad. memorable events of the afternoon: i'd like to think i actually made progress with bryy, it felt like i was actually able to get a couple points through, i hope they stick. then i come home after section and read some of neil's writting on the begining of dark forces, gave him a call to see if he'd read 1984 and somehow ended up snapping at him about how i just hate christmas and i really was not in the mood to get myself worked up over that. it's such an almost irrational response. just a simple discussion about how eggnog is being sold again makes me want to throw myself head first into rose bushes and rip them out of the ground, just cause i get so pissed off and worked up over it. and despite my bitching and moaning about it every year, it seems to come back full force... and i hate feeling ineffective... *sighs. beats head against wall*
ok, off to improve practice, and then i'm coming back and going to SLEEP, so i will hopefully have energy to work tomorrow. but first, a quick nap on my keyboard...
i'm so tired and cranky, and if i were a 4 year old i would make me take a nap. but i shouldn't take a nap, because then i'll be up until 3 or 4 am, and i'll be tired and cranky the next day. i should really just save myself the energy and wear dark sunglasses and a pin that says "shut up, don't talk to me, you're a stupid asshole anyway, don't make me spend the energy to tell you that. fuck off. i need a nap."
my afternoon: core, fliming, section, fliming, improv, hw (which probnably won't get done), sleep. if you're a star then cross yourself and pray...
and i'm going to fucking kill the girl on my hall whos scream is of the same volume and frequncy as a car alarm *fumes*
"You really taught me that expressing what you really feel is more important much of anything else. Long term it makes things a whole lot better. Being told what is wrong is a whole lot better then just winging your way through it. I will always remember that as your most enduring quality." -keith
i am jack's quiet feeling of accomplishment in life... 1 down, 6 billion to go...
ooo, these little earthquakes
here we go again
these little earthquakes
doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
doesn't take much to rip us into shreds -tori amos
i hate not being able to work... it just ruins my mood about everything, and i'd like to think of myself as a beacon of soft hope and happiness and love for my distressed high school people, and then i get myself into a pickle with work and my messed up mental wiring that produces (or doesn't) work and i get as depressed and self depricating as everyone else. *sigh*
*aileen checks her various book marked blogs. decided to follow links to other casti citizen. thumps head against keyboard.* my god, i really didn't need another excuse to procrastinate. shit.
some girls have unhealthy relationships with food. i have unhealthy relationship with sleep. and going to sleep alone is so impossible now, i have even less motivation to step away from the computer and go to bed since theres no warm and cute boy there... *sigh* it's gonna be a long year...
dear lord, i think the holiday season is approaching *screams and hides*
shit. i am really not looking foreward to this. no matter how easy it is, or how much less i've been seeing, whenever a fucking commercial comes up or a shop redesigns itself for "that time of year", i just get such a sickness in my stomach and i just want to puke. i can deal with it on small scale, i.e. when it's tied to family and an individaul talking about travel or something, i can deal with that, but it just sickens me how the entire society has to publicly hype itself up for a fuicking holiday a good percentage of the population doesn't even celebrate. and the fact that non religious people get drawn in like sheep doesn't help either. the theory of it all discusts me.
i don't know why i subject myself to sociological thought, in the end it does nothing but piss me off.
intro to design is really really fun when everyone wants to present their light and sound design projects. and they were really really good too. this one girl had a picture of this dark looming tenent building, that could really be anything anywhere, i didn't carry any emotions with just the picture, but then the music was this maniacle symphony stuff that turned out to be from requiem for a dream, and it just added a whole nother level to the picture. really really cool. i guess there was a good reason we were all jumping up and down to show ours. it was just intellectual and emotional stimulants, one right after the other, i loved it.
then i talked with nick about my weekend and stuff and his friend came up with the lighting cue sheet, fade in fade out, i might be light board op for "seven guitars" next quarter, it's really exciting. i love it when i run into people and exchange relavent, effective information. :)
come back, stare at lunch, slowly eat, really had no energy what so ever, it was almost amusing, fell asleep on the couch in front of the tv in the lounge, i feel very blah right now, i should really get food and a shower and just wake myself up so i can do at least one of two papers that is due tomorrow. so yeah. OH! and i have to see two more shows this week and write papers on them. should be fun :)
toe socks at breakfast (apparently the girl i was sitting with has cow-print-with-pink-toesocks), it's so much fun when i'm at that buzzed awake point at breakfast, everyone is so bleary eyed and just chewing their cud while staring off at nothingness, just waiting to get horizontal and close their eyes once more...
suddenly very nausiated... continue later....(gad damn it, and tuesday morning breakfasts are the best. french toast, tater tot potatoes, and bacon. and i was so hungry when i went to bed last night, i am not giving up this breakfast, gad damn it)
tamar is now new and improved. btw, i got the "nsrt-nme-hre" screen-name-ness. tho it often feels like it at this age, your wit does not go unapprecieted ;) just try telling them again in a couple year's to a new friend's parents, they'll laugh much more than your budding teen classmates ever will.
alright, off to take advantage of having a warm body to fall asleep with *smile*
i just wrote a really long meaning for blog about how much i love everyone and everything, and really just reassuring myself that life is good and that i'm doing good things and feeling good feelings and everything, and i'm writting this on benn's mac and i use the little scroll button thing to scroll up, and the screen refreshes and my blog disappears. gad damn it. maybe i'll try again later. *sigh* i hate it when evidence of my productivness disappears.
annie are you ok? you ok? you ok, annie?
annie are you ok? you ok? you ok, annie?
you've been hit by
you've been struck by
a smooth criminal -alien ant farm covering michael jackson
got off the phone with benn around 2 am, switched sides i was sleeping on for about an hour, went to the bathroom, came back and tryed to lull myself to sleep with some tori amos, layed fairly still for maybe 15 minutes, about 3:30 some one starts absolutly sobbing somewhere in the building, motherly insinct kicks in, esp. if it be someone on my hall. i go sniffing about for a bit, run into my wallmate, chat with her for a bit (apparently she has maybe 10 guys falling over her currently. i gave her a hug and a person to rant to. twas fun), when i looked at the clock when i climbed back in bed it was about four am. thats what i get for falling asleep for two hours yesterday afternoon. and i wasn't even meaning to. i needed to go grocery shopping and i needed to shower and do history reading, and yeah. ah well, gave me stuff to rant about to people. have i mentioned there are a lot of really attractive people on campus? i seem to run into guys with nice eyes and smiles. *melts*. twill be the death of me...
quote of the night:
fuck you. i mean that with love -alfred
i love you too al :)
congrats to all my gunn chums for surviving opening night! I'll hopefully see you saturday
casti people, i'll be seeing you tomorrow night. or rather tonight, seeing how it's past midnight...
more procrastination devices (mwahahaha! you'll never do homework again!)
tales of mere existence
i could have sworn i turned on my alarm last night. dude. anyway, woke up at 10:30-ish, but didn't get up, but benn called at 11 so that got me more awake. i still feel like shit tho. i should get some sleeping aids so i can actually fall asleep when i go to be before 4 am *sigh*
alright boys and girls, i have an assignment for all ye stressed, frazzled, cookies. sit down and follow these directions.
1. take a deep breath
2. R E L A X (please)
3. invision your favorite, most fragrant flower, or generate in your mind a scene that has a comforting, soothing scent to it (baking cookies, the shower, redwood trees, anything)
4. close your eyes; breathe it in
5. hold onto it for a breif moment than let it out slowly.
6. put things into perspective; this too shall pass
we need to take care of ourselves people. breathe... smile... cry... let it all roll through you... please
well this is a roundabout way to post. behold the joys of laziness...
You know how great it is when you read something that articulates exactly how you are feeling, but were too worn out or played out or just not eloquent enough to write yourself?
Evil Evildoers of Evil. (via Arthur)
*sigh* so much pain and hurt in my little world right now. i just want to craddle each of them and be there and make things all better. every one should be allowed to go around feeling completely content with their world. i want everyone to have that feeling...
close your eyes, close your eyes, and forget all about it, tonight...
everything's alright; yes, everything's fine...
aileen with stupid grins on her face at rocky horror. yup, that is exactly how i look after a guy with a camera says i'm cute... and i have nice breasts and he'd love to get pictures of them... that was a really damn fun weekend :D
i'd link you to the original site that i copied and cropped the pictured from, but this way is much smaller and easier. also the site the pictures are on also has a picture of my boob. and frankly i haven't reached that level of exhibitionism yet.
alright. the story of the sword. benn and i were watching various movie trailers off the internet sunday night, and one of them, i forget which, might have been "the affair of the necklace" involved very seductive things being done with a blade in hand. i got very excited. benn notices this kinda looks at me and says, "hold on one sec" and goes to his closet and i kinda bounced about, thinking it would be really cool if he had weaponry. next thing i know, i turn around and he has a sword in hand. i literally yelped and fell over in giggles, almost had a heart attack, i have such a weak spot for swords. and it was a really cool sword too. it was fairly simple and light, but looked reeeeeeally cool.
it was the same length as my leg. i was sitting in his desk chair with my feet up on his bed, and i just layed it down on my leg and it lined up really well and looked reeeeally cool. i am a sexy sexy thang. i spent half the weekend just walking around in one of his long sleeve button up shirts. it was really happy. *bounce bounce bounce* and benn has discovered my overwelming modesty, it was really amusing.
lindsay dearest, it boggles my mind that you would be searchingstuff like this on this on the internet... and you know, it makes sense in an odd way. if the people have taken the energy to go to the website for their bottled water, they're probably anal retentive enough to want that kind of information ;)
benn cooks... and cleans... and dances... and owns a sword! *aileen melts in to a little aileen-shaped puddle* how do i manage to find so many amazing guys....
i shortened the length of this page itself. now only shows 30 days of blogs rather than 90. hopefully, if my archives behave, this should work fairly well as a setup. ok, homework now...
wow, for the first time in a while, i have "follies" stuck in my head. no reason, just started singing "who's that woman", and then realized "whoa. it's been a while..." anyway, just something random. mrowr.
*sigh* in case you haven't noticed, i haven't blogged in a bit. well, breif overveiw for posterity, watched dark crystal with benn friday night, drunk girl hit her head aginst my door, i am officially addicted to the internet, woke up, went to eye appt. in san jose, got breakfast there, headed up to palo alto, watched bit of rehersal at gunn (wow, the amazing things that can happen at a public highschool where people are actually able to dedicate their whole selves to a production) pounced on mallory, al, and neil, distributed condoms for hc (not, but i would have if i had had more), went back to santa clara to pick up stuff, benn bought shrek dvd, we watched it, got distracted, headed over to bryy's party, watched wag the dog and played connect four (that got interesting *benn shakes head* you're both idiots... -benn), went and saw a 10:15 showing of Monsters inc. (really creative concept and EXCELLENT visuals, little heavy handed with story execution, but what can you do it's a 90 minute kid movie, they can't be that subtle. either way, really really sweet, ending made me want to cry) dropped off bryy, and then came to benn's and well... i'll tell you later. but i will say this: he gave tom a run for his money. and after this morning, well, he's a god :)
oh, and guess who hasn't worn a bra in maybe 4 days.... who's a girl.... no, not benn *ow*
but you know what? he forgot his digital camera... "the implications are just astounding..." -benn
currently, i am typing with my left hand and benn is typing on the other side with his right hand. this is collaboration at its best!! woo hoo!!
you know, despite being stressed out and going tending to sleep in the afternoons and go to bed at 4 am, i'm much happier than i've been in years. i walk around with a stupid grin on my face SO much more often than i ever did in highschool. that should say something about castilleja. more difficult than college itself. now what's wrong with this picture...
hang in there girls, it's only 4 years and it's worth it in the long run :) *hugs*
this was written after my spurt of poetic lyricism last night, kinda just to organize my thoughts so i could talk to dr. bernel today, which btw went well :)
i'm having trouble keeping control over myself. everything i do i do impulsivly. there's many a time that i've had that little voice say something in my head but it doesn't always connect into action or connect into writting it down. and then when i get the energy to write it or something, the thought or occasion has past or disappeared and i don't know how to control it or push myself or anything. it feels like there's a wire missing or a broken or faulty connection between my thoughts and actions.
don't ask, it was four am, i'm just transcribing what i wrote
wow. they don't call them horny moon for nothing... *melts*... and there is literal patchy fog out right now. the thickness changes every three feet, it is so cool.
my god, online-ness sucks up your time. anyway, dr. bernel appt today. lets hope she has some solutions for my idea filled but delayed/non-processing brain. you ever have those times where it feels like SOME wire is loose, and just not getting an idea from one part of your brain to another? i feel like that all the time. the only reason anything is getting done around here is impulses, pure impulsion. rational thought and choices play no part here... not good...
