dude, i just realized that corn pops and cheetos are really both made from the same sort of puffed corn base. just one had sugar coating and the other cheese powder. dude, if i were a totalitarian dictator, the variety in breakfast cereals and snackie things would be the first to go, and all that machinery and man power would be put to better use. i beleive that will be my number one asset over my enemies. *she says as random yells/screams/cat calls travel through her window from halloween festivities across the street. she sighs and returns to attempting to do her homework*
why do you choose that pain
if you only knew, how much i
love you, love you
well i won't be your winter
and i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
and we can be forgiven
and i will be here...
the determination begins... or does it... *collapses* i don't know...
half of me wants to say "fuck off. this is my life. who are you to control and manipulate it." because... thats what i've gotten used to saying... but theres the other part of me... the part that has put it's arms around him, and it's head on it's shoulder, and just enjoyed the soft, gentle, accepting touch, and is turning to the other side and is saying "if you weren't so selfish, do you see what you could have?"... in the mean time, i am getting absolutly no work done and it is all boding very well for my general health. *sigh* ...if i hurt you than i hate myself. don't want to hate myself. don't want to hurt you...
sigh. the half hour i leave my computer to go eat food without turning on away message is the half hour in which people come online *sigh* ah well. tis for the best. i got a shot of pepsi in me and a midterm to finish. i don't think i'll be going out tonight, i can very much see myself crashing at 3:30 and sleeping til 9 the next morning. ah the joys of random all nighters. time flys when your... not doing homework... i don't know, my attempt to be witty has fallen on it's face. *sigh*
does anyone know whats in bear claws? the pastry?
also, it is difficult to walk uphill in flip-flops and socks. it is easier to walk down hill. what you should make of this discovery, i cannot say, but use the knowlege wisely...
i have so little drive right now... s'what you get when you're sick... *bleh*
word to the wise: as much fun as random-hook-ups and one-night-stands are, they tend to get you into trouble. handle with care. first i shocked and pissed off bryy, but thats no surprise. then neil called (it was so interesting, i momentarily couldn't figure out who it was there were so many boys that could be calling me) and he was subtly judgemental. didn't say anything specificly, it was just his tone. i'd never heard him so sarcasticly disapproving, it was really frightening. but that didn't hurt nearly as much as benns reaction, which was really bad because it was mostly because we jsut didn't communicate as well as we could have on sunday, so there was just much misunderstanding and stressfulness. and all i could say to express the above earlier was "shit...". thankfully benn stuck around and we were able to talk about it more and just get more things out in the open, and we just needed to take things slower... i like that boy :)
you treat me like i'm a princess
i'm not used to liking that...
it's so weird, i've gotten so used to fighting for attention and working really hard to get a compliment or something, and then suddenly... i'm getting flowers... for no particular reason exept being cute or something... this is so weird...
and on the first day, God said, "let there be hair." and there was hair. and it was big. and on the second day, aileen washed it, and weighed it down with heavy conditioners and mouse. and it was good.
slept until 5, went and got my wallet from the metro center (god bless the metro system of santa cruz), came back, went to dinner, fire alarm or something went off in the building (but not directly in the dinning hall, it was really crazy, no one knew what to do, we eventually trickled out. i went and stood with some of the people my wallmate was with, they're discussing they're core teachers. fade in fade out, i'm in storyteller mode (ie. give me room i use expansive hand gestures) explaining the intellectual and artistic messeges in death and venice ("no no no! you're giving away the plot!" "no, i'm telling you whats going on so you don't have to spend as much energy decifering the text and you can appriciate the language cause it's so damn beautiful!") completely battling this other chickie who is insiting it's about nothing more than this old guy who's obsessed with a ten year old boy, and in the end the man dies. i hope i convinced the guys there that i was talking to that there is a depth to be sought for underneath it. one of the guys said "you should come teach my core course, you'd do much better than my teacher at explaining these things." someday i might refer to that as sign of my calling number two. this guy was also the second person this weekend attempting to copy my hand gestures while i was talking. second this weekend. whywhywhywhywhywhy? i'm starting to think it might just be the fact that i haven't been wearing a bra. i don't know, i think i've just been emiting way more energy than i have in a while this weekend. :)
fuck, aol is down and i have emails to write to people. and i had written a really long one to neil too, just ranting about how it seems like his mother hates anything that has ovaries coming close to her son, and i always seem to get in trouble in palo alto for my openess and less censored way of talking. alright, weekend documentation. as you can see there has been a lack of posts exept for that one at four in the morning that i did from benn's computer (things noticed: mac's suck :P and i'm addicted to the scroll button)
jonathan's party. fairly uneventful. occasionally there was the time that i was feeling worn out and tired on the couch and wondering what the hell am i doing surrounded by hyper teenagers. i was late b/c of over-sleeption and bus-train uncoordination. but i did get to eat pizza with family, get warm heavy cloak from mom, and a ride up to palo alto from dad. brad forgot my rings when he showed up at the party. i beat him up. he proceeded to stand up with me on his shoulders and to spin. however, i did convince him to give me a ride to rocky horror if i bought gas. he'd been feeling very much like a choffier. so we took the corset clad jonathan and headed off. dropped of jeeyon in los altos. headed to brads. jonathan gets a call. apparently parents didn't realize he was going to rocky horror, so his dad was going to pick him up when we got there. really sucked.
get to rocky horror, i find thomas in line so i can put my stuff in his car. i'm already wearing my white mask, tho i haave a shirt over my backless wonder. who should be in front of the happy little paly group but tomas, stunt monkey record record producer we spent such a long time shamlessly flirting with at the punk show three months back. HE RECOGNIZES ME (good sign number one *grin*) i put stuff in car. change. return. talk and flirt muchly with tomas. sit with him and his friends during rocky horror. jason (formerly known as alex here at Heals the Original Dryness, but his name is jason) gets pictures. etc. etc. i get invited to eat food with them at denny's or someplace. transfer stuffs from cars. go to dennys. outside there were these little asian ladies selling bouquets of roses. tomas asks how much, goign to my them. i roll my eyes and start protest but then catch myself. why would he buy flowers for me? thats pretty concieted of me to think. maybe he likes roses. maybe he likes supporting small business endevors. however when i reached to smell them, and then handed them back, he refused to take, so they were actually for me. it was just really weird. there was many a time that like i'd ask for a sip of water from his water bottle, "what do i get in return", i'd really want to say something like "a kiss?", "my undying affection?" but i thought, "dude, that's really conceited. what makes you think that thats a fair trade. esp with this guy who you are already shamelessly flirting with, why up the anti?" and also i wasn't really positive if he was really flirting, or if he was just sociable and cute. anyway, and the restruant, seating arrangements were rearranged to get us next to each other, it was really cute, and we all sat and talked. apparently they're gamers. and not just d&d type stuff, they do live action role playing stuff. they are cool people. i however was constantly being tickled in one way or another (along with playing footsie) and sqeaking. but by the end of the night when jason and his girl frined checked out my ass, just to see how it compared to the rest of the package, they were still impressed and happy. fun fun fun fun fun fun!
ok, tomas gives me a ride to benn's house b/c a) i didn't feel like changing my plans once again, b) tomas lives in santa clara, i was wanting to be at gunn the next day, and c) i wanted to see benn! i hadn't seen him in practically three years, and i had been having happy little reunion and possibly other stuff going through my head that i didn't want to throw away. anyway, got dropped off, with a bit of difficulty figured out the arrangment of their house, let myself in, blogged, and curled up in bed. at about 5 am the sprinklers turned on. it really confused me. it sounded like someone was in the shower. anyway, woke up briefly at 8:20 (according to the clock, which was probably not set back) to see benn padding around the living room to the kitchen, fell back aseelp, got up about an hour later, had bagel and such over conversation about college and such, went back to his room so i could show off my mask and such, talked, he gave me a back massage (massage oil is a wondeful wonderful thing) that kinda progessed into a fairly full body massage (he did my arms and legs too. yummmmm) which basicly broke down any sort of physical barriors with contact, which if you think about it is the source of all ackwardness (or at least it was in this encounter). it was really cool. he'd learned that one of the keys in a massage was never to lose contact. so when he'd be reaching for the oil or something, he'd always keep one hand on my back or something, and it was just amazing how much meaning was just carried in that little tiny gesture. and also later, there was a bit of oil that had dripped onto his desk and i kinda wiped it up with my hand and used it to massage his hand, and like he'd trace my thumb with his or something, i dunno, i guess i forget the power of subtlty sometimes. anyway, i showed him random little video things on the internet (poke the bunny, muffin films, we watched the big fuzzy bunny series as well. crazy crazy stuff.) and at one point through watching these and cuddling, i kiss him... just kinda a breif little peck to see what happens... and yeah... stuff happens... i mean we HAD gone out for a while a couple years ago... yeah, it was really cute and interesting, because both of us had had an inkling that stuff would happen, but didn't really expect on going as far as we did. it was just really nice and really confertable and happy and yeah. and because it was so nice and comfertable and yeah, i didn't leave as early as i thought i would.
got to gunn late in the afternoon rather than early. hey, but i had gotten information that rehersal was ending at 6, not that CERTAIN PEOPLE were leaving early to go do a choir show. *sigh* anyway, alfred was there and he said neil and alex were at neil's house and he was going to get a ride over there with his friend dave, and dave said he could take me too but i'd have to be on al's lap, so i told all the story of my weekend thus far (mostly to explain the roses and the huge grin on my face), i really only got through the rocky horror part of the story, i was trying to recall all the little tidbits of conversation and such. he was very happy and excited for me it was wonderful. emotional resonance between two people at work :D. anyway, neil was not home, i gave his mother futher reason to not like me, bob saved me, al and i walked over to max's house to see if he was there or if anyone could give us a ride to a train station perchance, al reassured me that neil's mom just isn't too fond of any female friends of neil's so i shouldn't be too harsh on myself, "i really just don;t censor myself enough" "i've noticed!". *sigh* i always manage to get in trouble when i come back to palo alto. anyway, max was not home, but his dad offered to give me a ride to a train station. gave al his present, bid him farewell, went off to train station. fade in fade out. i'm back in santa cruz.
i get to my room, unload my stuff from my shoulders, decide i am going to bj's to eat food, can't find my wallet... i figured i had left it on the bus, the bus was coming around again at nine, i wait there, the bus 19 that comes at nine is not the same bus that i was on. shit. so i go back to the lounge see if anyone will lend me five dollars so i can go eat food, cause the metro center lost and found has no message machine, alex lends me money, i head on over to crown. you think college eight is night of the living college students? bj's is just as bad, cause it's the only thing open on this side of campus after 9. anyway, this line coming out the door was just not what i needed, so i whined and jumped up and down for a bit, and then explained myself to the guys in the back of the line that agreed with me. we were just chatting for a while. i had to stop and think when one asked me "so what was your weekend like" because there was so much. i went into gesture/story teller mode, it was really amusing, one of the guys, brian, asks me "you wouldn't happen to be a THEATRE major, would you?" "....maybe" "::as me:: does it show???" "no! no! it's just i haven't decided if thats what i really want to major in or not" anyway, he was cool. he started trying to imitate my hand gestures, "takeing notes so i can do a sufficient impression of you later" or something like that. he said "it's like sign language but the signs keep changing". we got periodically side tracked and distracted with other stories or tidbits. these are three 6 foot guys, twice as big as me, they've got their share of stories with sports and people they know. brian actually stayed with me after he ordered to listen to the rest of the story. the other guys went and sat with a few other guys who threw ketchup packets at us. so yeah, then i asked about his weekend, and we chatted, and then walked over to his room, i debated whether i should come up or not because i had some homework but i really wanted to socialize, "well we're gonna be watching a movie on our big screen tv, you're invited to join us" "what movie?" "nightmare before christmas" "REALLY? ok!" and i came up and watched. there was little room on the floor so i sat on brian's lap. cuddled. made out. the movie was damn amusing. at one point in the "we'll capture santa clause" song i just listened to the lyrics and just realized it was a song about torturing santa. and that just cracked me up. more later. but let it suffice that i have now had sex on the floor, and with someone else in the room (very much asleep, but i he very much realized there were two of us in the room. i think he woke up slightly at one point. it was really bad. :D the joys of college)
my god the things that get done at rocky horror: topless pictures, public humiliation on stage, shameless flirtation... and thats just what I was doing. i don't think i've gotten so many compliments in one night since my older sister's bat miztvah when i was 9, and that was just cause everyone there knew me and had too compliments the cute little sister of the bat miztvah. tonight was ever so slightly different. this was a small determined group to get pictures of me topless. it was really amusing: "hi i'm alex, can i get a picture of you" "why?" "cause you're cute..."
after i turned off my computer last night, i fixed the nose piece on my glasses with a bit of alluminum wire. you can't do that with galvanized steel :P
bryy dragged me to improv team. it was really really exciting. i get such a high around improv people. we just played some games and stuff after brainstorming names for the troop. originally "the rejects" we wanted something more positive. we might be called "park bench graffiti" anyway, after we played a bunch of games (get off the bench, subtext, sound effects, serious scene, new line) there was much brian storming and contributing of ideas of sketch comedy skits. it was wonderful. and non of us had anything better to do so we just sat there till 10 or something. a few people left at different times during the evening, but it was great. theatre people with no real plans. so what do we do? improviiiizzee. yeah... it was good. got me away from the computer :)
my plans for tomorrow are completely skewed. ironicly, i'm mostly frustrated because my hair-outfit planning is now shot. *sigh* i'm such a girl. no, i just give myself way too many excuses when i procrastinate.
Top Ten Signs You Need a Shower
10. Upon seeing you, children point and scream.
random links and a quote:
this: just poke. poke till you can't poke no more. :)
and this: dark forces will rise... (click the "get it" button to start. it's ok, could be better)
core class. boring at best. physically painful at worst. i think my body is finally revolting after being subjected to slouching in front of a computer for a week. so now my laptop is fulfilling its purpose as such by being on top of my lap. actually it's more on my stomach now, but who's counting...
the nose rest thing has fallen off my glasses again, and this time i couldn't find the screw. i can probably put a bit of elmers glue or a bit of wire to keep it in place. or you know, i could schedual an optometry appt to get new glasses, but thats just taking the easy way out, now isn't it. gad damn i can't type today. (today?...)
i have this tendency to curl up my legs when i'm sitting, like in a chair in front of the computer, and to comfertably do so i tend to take off my shoes. when i did this at castilleja i always ended up wandering out of the lab barefoot and then getting yelled at by ms hof. here in my room, i look down and i have maybe 5 pairs of shoes just scattered about on my floor beneath my desk, along with the printer and numerous computer cords. no wonder its hard to move around in this room
look at me! i changed colors! w00t! let me know if the green and the fairy compete a little too much in the side bar. i'll be sure to smack 'em around if they do. it kinda looks like the green belittles the fairy, but i can't tell if thats just my screen settings or not. oh vell.
wow, practically 30 blogs this week. me? procrastinating? noo... never!
taking your hair down after having it in pig-tail french braids is so much fun. i think i'm going to have to wear my hair like this for rocky horror. it goes really well with my mask. :D
you know that pepsi one comercial with the "little red riding hood" song going on in the back. it actually really deep. if you think about it, it makes absolutly no sense, but isn't that the essense of art? and the psyche is so distracted by all the sex that you accept it, cause its sex. it's little red riding hood, but with a goldie-locks and the three bears script, and then in the end the girl is the wolf, so you could say the men the three little pigs! THINK ABOUT IT! it works on so many levels! i love this crap!
yeah, i was being subjected to arnold shwartzeneger acting. alex (british guy) was being so adimant about it being the best movie, and how satirical it was about modern media. lines like "your lucky he didn't kill you. or rape you. or rape you then kill you. or kill you then rape you." you know its quality.
thoughts while brushing my teeth (don't ask, it's four in the morning.):
time is such a relative concept these days. it just makes no sense that benn and tom would both be juniors. it makes no sense that benn would be twenty, dear lord. and don't even get me started on dark forces. neil says we're in our thirties. how would we be the same ages as the characters on friends? there's just no parallel...
on the other hand i have more eyebrows than i've probably had in years...
i'm so glad i live in a single. i keep such odd hours, i think i'd drive a roommate insane.
i blog too much. it's what you get when you combine procrastination with random spurts of poeticism and too much time in front of a computer. i feel bad for newcomers. they have to wade through so much shit to understand what the hells going.
repeat previously posted lyrics. add bitterness and a nagging voice that sounds remarkably like neil's saying "i told you so". get a drink of water and write out action chart for waiting for godot. try to think of themes in the bloody existentialist wonder. don't cry it's not worth it. you're just a four, it's human nature.
aileen sits. aileen stares at her screen. a little green link on a certain page says "three: love". she has been sheepishly warned she may not want to read it. she sits. thinks.
this is one of those "cat in a box" moments, if anyone is familiar with quantum physics. two universes, simultaniously existing, simply because there is possibility for both... and i shall soon destroy one or the other...
i could make you happy
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do...
it's so odd. i'm talking to my ex-boy keith, and the mighty mouse theme keeps running through my head, and jim carrey as andy kaufman singing along to it...
here i come to save the daaaay...
my god this is turning into "lets get back into contact with aileen" week...
it amazes me that i am not gaining weight like a mother. i don't exercise, i sit in front of a computer, i sleep, and i eat. i don't even tend to walk to all my classes. whats up with this? i have a small fear that it'll hit me all at once. like i'll wake up and suddenly be thirty pounds heavier, and none of my cloths will fit, and it'll just be my body saying "HA HA! you thought you could get away with it, but NO! it's PAYBACK time. mwahahahahahaha!"
three onion rings at lunch... i think i've sealed my intestinal death warrent for the next few days... *sigh*
OH! good news, tho! history midterm due wednesday not monday! that means i don't have to be as stressed out about going to palo alto this weekend. woo hoo!
Top Ten Anthrax Slogans Being Considered by the U.S. Postal Service
4. Your friendly postal service - we put the "cute" in "cutaneous anthrax infection"!
you know what is seriously lacking in our education today? canadian history. think about it. does ANYONE here know anything about canadian history? like, is there more to them than maple surup and hating quebec? and theres nothing in the news either. i mean for all we know these days it might not even be a commonwealth anymore, YOU DON'T KNOW. i think we need to demand our right for knowlege and petition to school to offer history classes on our neighboring country. i mean, we're all going to be fleeing there in the near future, might as well know what we're getting into
note: meant as a very jonathan-like arguement ;) will probably be part of my 2 am comedy routine, not to be taken completely seriously
wow. you know a day was happy when you just read your series of blogs from it and the happy happy emotions just come FLOODING back. *beams uncontrolably* july 8th posts about july 7th evening. that was a damn happy night. dear lord, i did not know my cheeks were capable of smiling this much. i can see it now, "wipe that stupid grin off your face" "i CAN'T. seriously!". *massages face* alright, time for bed. wish me luck tomorrow. i don't have my homework for either of my classes. *sigh*
GAH! and now all friday plans be going to hell in a hand basket. MARF!!! can't.. think.. when.. stressed..
anyway, it looks like i'll stay here friday night, go over hill over dale saturday morning and distribute joy and back massages while watching rehersal at gunn in the afternoon, SOMEHOW get from gunn to jonathan's (i'm thinking paz, but it's 10:30. a little late to call), party till cows come home at jonathans (and it promises to be a very interesting party indeed), go to rocky horror, crash someplace, come home, finish history midterm, etc.
alright, back to skiming history reading for impacts industrialization had on women in the us and in england...
the weirdest thing about getting up at quarter to four is realizing how much of a day you've missed...
i have so much fricken work, but i think i will actually shower first. then do 200 pages of history reading, write an essay comparing three voices in twilight, finish and type up my play script analysis of waiting for godot (does ANYONE understand the purpose or significance of pozzo and lucky? cause i certainly don't), history question write-up of above reading, and history midterm for next monday that we'll get on wednesday. fun fun fun. and i haven't gone to classes these last two days, and people's lives are getting very interesting right about now. i'm hoping one of them will seek counseling. that will help us all muchly. *sigh* alright, off we go. *swish*
*cue music* and now, for more EXCITING adventures of Aileen! in College! will the french toast return to save breakfast?? will she get out of bed in time to MAKE it to breakfast?? will she really attempt to write three papers in one week?? WILL SHE DO HER HOMEWORK?? and the real burning question on everyone's mind... will she EVER shower??? these questions and more will be answered when aileen is awake enought to realize she's in college!! *cheers and end theme music*
something is stiring,
shifting ground... it's just begun
edges are bluring all around
and yesterday is done...
this song always makes me cry. it's so beautiful. it just eminates a sunrise, faintly glowing and then grows and builds into this beautiful awakeing of a new day, that will probably be just like the all the others and very little will change, but theres always that little display of all the possibilities and beauty of the world, just quivering with life and energy, spread out over the sky as the day begins... god displays it through nature, sondheim displays it with music. this is why sondheim is god.
*collapses* i was just playing truth oir dare black jack and poker with the girls across the hall. i had to drink a shot of vodka. i just had a little sip, but man... anyway, i chases it with 4 or 5 rasberry newtons and felt slighly normaler (yes thats a word, b/c i said so). i need to go to bed.
i was at the metro station reading twilight and i realized i was really upset over something, like one of those sensory flashbacks, but i couldn't figure out if it was something i was reading or what. my mid was going all over the place and i couldn't remember what had triggered this icky emotion. i looked up from my book and i remembered i had just been looking at this couple, and the girl was just drapped over the boys lap and she was giggling and they were playing with each others hands. and it made me think of tom.
we had played a highly intense game of air hockey. we were fairly even in skill. they were good games. it was fairly obvious we were attracted to each other. second game ends, i go to give him a high five, he slips his arms around me, big hug, sort of falling dancing around, leaned back and looked at him with my arms around his waist. kissed. it was so amazingly gentle... i had never thought someones lips could be that soft... smiled, gathered up my bag, we went downstairs holding hands. outside the arcade were walking with arms around the others waist, "just watch this will be the moment i run into bryy...", precautionarily slipped our arms out of that position. that was the essense of the amazingness of tom. there was so much knowledge and experience there. so many times when we didn't even have to communicate, it just happened, reacted to those voiceless feelings. if i had kept that, that ability to follow those voiceless feelings, life would stay good. i think that was the thing with bryy. there was too much other STUFF going on in my head that i felt i had to pay attention to for the sake of the situation, and my feelings got covered up and ignored and blocked out or mistaken or something. either way, when ever i think of that following afternoon with telling bryy and then trying to pacify him by taking him to see tom, i get a sick feeling. just that feeling of, i could have done that better, i didn't do that right, and things fucked up because i wasn't listening to what my feelings were saying. this is society, this is social standards, covering up that basic instict and knowledge we have of a situation. those feelings that sit there even after your mind has moved on.
ho-ly shit! ok, i got this email. this guy, i went out with for like a week or something in tenth grade, he was a senior, and then he kinda disappears. doesn't call or write etc. it was really weird. i suspected i came on to strong or something like that. i was a little inexperienced tenth grader. and you know, this was around the same time i was starting to get to know john (massachusettes) so it wasn't like i went into a deep lonely depression, it was just odd, but i figured it was something i did. until this...
Hi,
wow, I finally tracked down an e-mail address and I can barely think of
what to say. Well, let me first remind you of who I am, if you don't
remember already. I'm that short guy who about 3 or 4 years ago used to hang
around Castilleja with Chelsea and help out in the theatre.
yeah, that's me, Benn...
I want to apologize to you. I disappeared suddenly and without warning-
or at least that's how I remember it. I disappeared 'cause I got scared. I
got scared 'cause I was falling in love with this girl by the nickname of
Buzz... and I wasn't ready for it. But for some reason, although there was
never any reason to look back on that time, I kept doing so.
Please accept my apology to you. I wish I had talked to you and told you
why I was disappearing, maybe then I wouldn't have disappeared at all.
damn it, i had song lyrics i was going to post. ah well. myself and my cousin ari are hiding out here in the study while the adults trade stories about uncle david (ari's dad) and the kids play around and the adults yell at them for fooling around at the table. it's exausting after a time. i never realized how incredibly sacred eating and the whole sit down family dinner thing was to me, and to have kids that don't understand it just tests my patience. a lot. *sigh* they are such interesting case studies on parenting and the effects it has. anita and gary (these names will have no relivance for you people, i'm really doing this for me) are just amazing parents, i need to go visit them sometime and just take mental notes for later use. david and sharon's kids are really interesting in comparison. david, according to ari and i remember my mom saying this as well, is fairly aloof and really has no here-say in the raising of their kids. he leaves it all to sharon, who is a total pushover with them, and their kids are very loud and abnoxious most of the time. they'll make great leaders someday, simply for their tenacity to have their way. at the dinner table, tema had her goodie bag stuff spread out over the table and i asked her to put the stuff back in the bag and put it o the side. "so you won't get mine and yours mixed up?"... yeah sure whatever, but a couple seconds later i realized, "dude. no. because it's commen table manners!" *sigh* and she kept standing up and bouncing around and reaching over to play with her other cousins, and i had to tell her once or twice "tema, please sit in your chair and eat your dinner" and the second time i asked her to tuck in her chair so she wouldn't have to stand up to reach her plate and she kinda meekly whines "you're bossy..." well, yes i am hun. i had to help keep 40 kindergarten and 1st grades in line earlier this year, and it's dinner time right now, and no you don't get to do whatever you want whenever you feel like it when other people are around. *sigh* i would be such a bitchy teacher if i ever was one. i would totally give parents smack about how they're raising they're child. this is why i'm not going to go into teaching right now. college student. college stuff. figure that stuff out first. then save children of america..
la! in santa barbara. cute and highly excitable cousins. i'm so glad i ta'd k-1 this year. anyway, highlight ofthe evening, yellow jacket comes around for our highly trafe hor deurves (how ever you spell it) and we manage to trap it under a plastic glass. there was some joking about drowning it in champagne. i just put a little bit under to mess with it's oxygen supply. didn't do much. so i lifted the edge a bit and poured a tad more under there. it goes crazy, but it was really interesting watching the effects the alcohol had on it. it eventually started falling off the edges more, so then it's wings would get wet and it couldn't climb as high and would fall down more easily so it would get wetter. and as we're watching this we get into a huge debate over whether to just let it go or kill it or see how long it lasts, etc. it was a facinatingly passionate argument, every one had their say. i love my family. they're so interesting and could be so much worse, god knows. heh, and to top that last night's dinner discussion turned into actually medically discussing the ways in which one's skin can be removed, ala silence of the lambs. "millions of families all over the world are grappling with this subject as we speak" -dad
ok, can everyone please take this enneagram test and then email me, or post on your page if you so desire, their results. i find them wonderfully facinating! and it covers so much more area than the meyer-briggs personality types, b/c those are really 4 fairly rigid polars, and they're not very good with dealing with grey area (i think i'm an INFP with meyer-briggs stuff. i say this because of how much more i've been excited by ideas recently. i very well could be ENFP, i dunno. see, this is my point.)
anyway with the enneagram test thing, results: neil is very much a two, and i am a two or a four, but compared to neil and more often than not i am VERY much a four. freaky freaky. lines in the descriptions are almost verbatim to how neil and i describe ourselves/ how i describe him and myself.
wow, i'm shaking and bouncing with intellectual stimulation. i need books on these things, really really badly. gods, i feel like i'm on caffine. damn you neil!!! (p.s. the types have various nicknames besides the numbers. if you feel like just cheating you can go here and take a look at what they say, but believe me, the names are misleading. they're better when they supplement the descriptions in your test results.)
*bounce bounce bounce* hyper me. must sleep tho. going to santa barbara tomorrow morn with dad and sis. should be back sunday night. i didn't bring my dsl connection cord, cause i'm going to try to write two essays this weekend (ha!) and get caught up in core (ha! ha!). shurrup...
i walk out of the stevenson dinning hall. the clouds are all that shade of pink that little girls use to draw their ideal fluffy dresses. the air is so clear the whole thing looks like a painting. and then, in a part in the clouds, there was the moon. a thin crecent moon. it was so beautiful and unreal, i wanted to cry. i love it here so much.
how is it that when ever i open a package of triscuits, i eat practicly all of them? i did this when i was watching 'theres something about mary' on tv snf i was just sitting here discussing logistics for next friday with people, and i look down and there's less than a fifth of the box left. *sigh* at least i was drinking apple juice with it, instead of an entire 4 cup thing of water. not healthy, people.
ok, current outfit/look: pleather pants (need a belt), heals, backless shirt, snake arm-cuff, mask, hair down and curly. *GRIN* gad damn, i'm sexy.
"i've never seen this side of you, aileen" -willa (girl down the hall)
yeah, and i won't be around to show it off at the halloween dance. *sigh* just have to settle for rocky horror, instead. whoa is me. ;) we'll have to get pictures i can hang up outside my door. *bouncy boucny*
black, metal disk weave backless shirt: $69
white, feathered (feathers go out in a curve towards the back and there's little beads on some of them that make a smaller fan in the front. silk rose at the center and leaves coming from it on the side near the eye), DAMN COOL MASK: $35
jumping around in giddiness, and feeling gorgeous: absolutely priceless...
abby. in town. long time. *sigh* hello reality, how are you. here, i got a fairly open wound, care to pour salt on it?
"thats right, i'm bitter..." -the critic
hunger hurts, and i want him, so bad, oh it kills....
*falls over laughing* these aregood too. i haven't read the paper in such a long time. i'm just getting caught up. i knew i could always could on aaron mcgruder for truthful cynicism. :)
"The Thinking/Feeling dichotomy indicates how we make decisions. Thinkers tend to be objective and potentially impersonal. Feelers give greater weight to the implication of decisions on people."
in other words (i beleive, don't kill me if i'm wrong), thinkers make decisions based on objective facts and the current situation, and the feelers make desicions based on values and what the implications will be. heh, we can certainly tell which our dearest president is, now can't we. but seriously, i have trouble fitting into one or the other because i do look at things and try to access based on the facts, but i consider peoples values and the implications as part of the facts. so what does that make me?
snoop dogg is in a movie... as is maria carrey (however you spell it)... what is with our entertainment industry. for this reason, i refuse to say that lord of the rings is going to be the best movie ever. it'll be a DAMN SEXY movie, like the matrix and... some other sexy movie. by sexy i mean its one of those movies that you just can't take your eyes off of. and tho you know they might have a contrived personality, and will take your money and leave you wanting more, it's not one you'd really get and emotionally and intellectually fulfilling relationship from, unless you sit back and analyse how wonderfully manipulative and currupting the sexyness is. thats always fun. anyway, i'm REALLY pissed because i am not IN this movie, and thats just not right. and also there was a really nicely done cartoon version that came out in the 80's or something, but no one went and saw it, and therefore part 2 never got made, and it really sucks.
what this modern one has, is a DAMN COOL ad campaign. bloody geniouses they are. (dear lord, i'm talking like neil. *sigh*) they film it in NEW ZEALAND, so already theres that whole secrecy element, which gets all the cult fans worked up, and the rest of hollywood just itching to get their hands on bits of it. they have this big huge shindig for the release of TWENTY SIX MINUTES OF FILM *gasp* ooo aah, so people got to interview actors, and people wandered around in costume, and they had all this money to transform a place into middle earth for a weekend. thats the whole thing, you can do anything with money. this divides the art industry even more into the have's and the have not's. it's the same thing with disney on broadway. OF COURSE they can do this big huge spectacular show that makes you go "oo ah wow" with its amazing theatrical designs, because they were working with a practicly limitless budget. the story was carefully crafted by experts to produce the desired emotional reaction at every step of the turn. THEY DON'T EVEN WRITE THERE OWN STUFF! they have to take long told fairy tales and shakespeare and verdi operas to make successful things! *runs around screaming* this was why i absolutly loved The emporors new groove, because it was so out of the ordinary, and so original, and random, and not the standard form of a comedy. i loved it, and i really wish the dvd directors commentary didn't sound like they had guns pointed at their heads. NNNNNyyyyaaaa..... *calms down*
other good ones...(neil gave me this link btw. kudos. *pats neil on the head*. don't ask about the dragon thing, i'm obsessed with dark forces these days)
Acting Mayor of Fish, Aileen Dragon Zanatakis, The Oftimes Chaste
Associate Queen of Violent Nausea, Aileen Dragon Cadenhead, Attorney at Law
Defenestrator Gardener of All Things Not Pertaining to Naked Chick Magazines, Jedi Master Aileen Dragon Firefly
Czarina of Plastic Envelope Windows, Inc., Aileen Prefect
Goddess of Furry Wilderness Creatures(!!!), Aileen Dragon Lau, The Just
but you know what, my friend made a program on her CALCULATOR just like this two years ago. we used two as captions for pictures on the wall.
Angel: The Cut-Throat Master of Love, and Buzz: The Insatiable Dominatrix. yeah baby.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Sheriff of The Institute for Promotion of Encyclopeadias, Aileen Dragon Prine
Kiss cookies goodbye, boring title freak! ARRRRR UMMM NUMMM NUMMMM... "
if i'd eaten something more than just a packet of oatmeal and some pretzels since 10, i might be cracking up. as is, i am simply in awe of it's randomness. best i've seen so far. take that Under-General of things that go 'bump' in the night... :P
one of the nose cushion peices on my glasses just fell off... and this is the pair with one ear peice... i think it might be time for a new pair of glasses.
*goes and fixes her glasses with a pair of pliers and her fingernails* i'm so crafty
you know, if i had the ability to dance on this site, i would. that and sing. like really sing. just putting a video or a recording or something upwouldn't feel right. that would be seeing me dance for a camera then showing you. i'd want to be able to do an impromptu ballet for you as this post, i dunno. i think of my blogs as sort of mass emails and mass communications of my thoughts at the time. and i'm in a graceful fairy mood, and thats how i'd convey it. *sigh*
got to my intro to design class ten minutes late, we watched a movie on the history of the architecture of the theatre, took less than half the class time to watch, nora stands up, "so thats our class the rest of this time is for those of you that have questions about your playscript analysis. anyone? no? you are free to go"
i got out of bed for this?
eh, it wasn't all bad, i stuck around and worked on my analysis in the sun, and dilly dallied til blake showed up, which was quarter to twelve, bleh, but he's a sweetie and i gave him a hug and hung out with him for a while and it made it all worthwhile. then i came back here and had ginger-beef stir fry for lunch, and got jerry to let me back in my room (i'd left my keys and wallet in my other jackets) and now i think i'll take a shower, or do my history reading, or take a nap and then do the above, i dunno. *sigh. goes and curls up in a ball*
i wish there were some way to control when the dates change, because it really isn't the next day until the sun comes up, or until after i go to bed. ok, that makes no sense. it's not the next day until i say so! so there!
:D i took the test about 10 times, cause i kept getting maximillian (slices and dices those pesty humans) and Al Gore (boring, monotonous, polotician). there were a lot of questions i could really go either way on. so i tweaked it here and there, and got number 5! :D it was quite exciting.
now the question is, do i sleep for 5 hours or plung on through? i did get a nice long nap this afternoon. from about 5 to 10 i think it was. i wasn't keeping track, but i remember waking up at 6 and thinking i should go to dinner, but didn't feel like it. i got a fairly low quality chicken salad from the coffee shop for dinner. the chicken was dry and there was too much cabbage in it. at least i think it was cabbage. it was weird lettuce. i'll have to try the sandwitches next time instead.
surfing around on top-ten bloggers sites (they all seem to know each other) and i run across this guy after going to this lady's site and reading about her lunch time of offending people. wow. anyway, scroll down to the bottom of the guy's info page. that just caught me off gaurd and cracked me up. ah, delightfully insane people. yay :)
2 am: been reading bits of waiting for godot, talking with people, doing history reading. wander out to take my medication. wander into lounge. 3 other people there, watching msnbc. we just sit and watch the reports of anthrax, colin powell in pakistan, the news ticker going along on the bottom. sitting in silence. we only have time for the world at 2 am.
oh FUCK!!!! really long blog, disappears. RRRRAAAAWWWRRR!!! that took me like an HOUR to write! *seeths in anger. throws computer out the window*
jist of blog/series of events (part 2): i leave jonathan's to catch a 11:55 bus, there is not 11:55 bus, i hang out all night at the station talking with people (few kids who had been cruising up and down santa clara st., other guy who'd been waiting for the santa cruz bus who called and gave amtrak and earful for leading us on to beleive there was an 11:55 bus) bout school and i tell them about explorers and history, show off my weird sholders and other party tricks (incited one of the guys to by the end of the night be able to put his foot behind his head), talked to the other guy waiting for the bus about UC santa cruz, which he had gone to as well. talked about my social life. caught 4:45 bus, get to metro center at 5:30, no campus bound busses until 7, bus 40 comes and i ride it up along the coast to kill an hour and keep warm, nice bus ride, passes by an old cement factory ("what kind of cement?", didn't ask but it was the initial instict question to ask) goes by davenport, up to wadell creek, pauses on beach for 10 minutes or so (my first real sort of "uh oh" moment, because i was alone on a bus with a big bus driver guy in the middle of nowhere before dawn. nothing happened tho, he went and sat and stared out the window towards the back and i stared out the window in the front and read my book. bits of small talk, etc.) ride the bus back, sunrise, one side of the veiw looked almost like a monet painting, it was haisey and blue and purple pastels and really blended looking, etc. the other side was BRiTE yellow and orange and Red like i've never seen in a sky with the black prints of trees against it. i remembered how i'd often be on a train headed for school as the sun rose, and it would make me really depressed and angry because people shouldn't be ahead of the sun, and it was nice and calming to just be one of the few people up to see the sun come up and the world awaken. thats how things should be. but with me asleep at night... ;)
gad damn it i just closed a really cool conversation i had with neil. i got the dark forces part copied onto my thing of conversations about dark forces, but i didn't save the bouncy-ness before hand, and the discussions of mens choir and hot guys afterwards. :( he insists that his choir boy is hotter than my tall stylish russian boy i found on a shuttle a couple days ago. we shall see....
series of events yesterday (part 1):
woke up, fell back asleep, woke up, grabbed my bag of pretzles and caught a bus, went to san jose, had lunch with dad (yummy yummy muchos), got my medication, talked with him about my weird bio-rythmes,etc.
caught a train to palo alto, visited jonathan at work, talked about my history class with tomas, offended jonathan's crazy co-worker, almost got him fired cause we had been hanging out with him, looked around, bought a Jonathan Swift poetry book (because yes, we WERE actually there to buy something), explained ourselves to the co-owner ("i just get carried away when i talk about history." "tell her i'm from santa cruz!") who was pretty nice about it.
went and played on the swings and on the playground with tomas, hung upside down on bars (he could hang by his feet/ankles, i think my arch is too high to do that) got sand in my face and in my hair (which i had fun scratching out later), went back, ate preztles at country sun, kidnapped jonathan after work, sat on a park bench and cuddled in the shade, decided to go sit on his proch so we could be more private.
kissing, wonderful wonderfulness, started on more stuff but there was a noise outside we were worried about, he goes and checks, i sit up and bend my glasses out of wack, try to bend them back, break part of the axle in the hinge, try to fix it with pliers, doesn't really work (so now i have glasses held up by one ear peice. neil, this makes two of us) just covered him and cuddled muchly like that, fell asleep on his shoulder with the setting sun...
*read very slowly to get audio effects* i am so out of it. i woke myself up at 9-ish so i could call my dad and call dr. k to work out details with transportation and timing and everything. i was cold so i wrapped my blankets around me. two hours later i wake up to look at the clock and go, oh shit.
top ten halloween costumes:
10. one of these guys (Mpeg file; 1.55 Mb)
(i burst out laughing much harder than i thought i would, and then went running downstairs to show my friend dave. it was mostly funny because it just caught me by suprise, but it's also funny if you've seen woody allen's everything you ever wanted to know about sex (but were afraid to ask) *giggles hysterically*)
i think i liked the fear better. the fear you could ignore and didn't feel when you were feeling something else. pain is just THERE. *sigh* you could seriously switch those words and it would have exactly the same effect. how could anyone- WHY would anyone chose EITHER? *shakes head. italian accent* what a crazy country.
*goes off in search of motrin* i want my boys.... i'm going to visit one at work tomorrow, but the other lied and forgot to mention he was going off to sing in the mountains. ah what the hell i luv ya anyways *gives drugged out hugs all round*
and i am walking, out in the rain
and i am listening to the low moan
of the dial tone again
and i am getting, nowhere real quickly
and i can't let it go, and i can't get through...
both hands, oh now use both hands
oh no, don't close your eyes...
all i ever wanted was an unlimited supply of alluminum wire...
*soap box* I HAVE MY PERIOD. I DO NOT HAVE MY LUVOX. I HAVE LOST MY GREY AND MAROON REVERSABLE JACKET THAT I GOT FOR 14 BUCKS AT ROSS, BUT I'M NOT SO MUCH UPSET ABOUT THAT AS I AM THAT I HAD MUCH CHAIN MAIL SUPPLIES, RINGS, LINKS, A HECKA LONG CHAIN, IN THE POCKETS. GIFTS OF 18 GAUGE ALLUMINUM WIRE WILL BE ACCEPTED. THANK YOU *off soap box*
wow, i'm in one of those moods where every little thing is facinating. lindsay's blog about mr. mitchell, so true. i think he's had those shoes forever tho. the way sound travels from window to window here in the dorms. absolutely facinating. this would probably be an excellent time to do history reading (wow, supply responds to demand?? thats FACINATING!) they should really publicize how much fun drug withdrawl is. i probably won't be saying that in the next hour. and i'm probably haveing more fun with my sleep deprevation right now more than chemical stuff. oh well, still fun as long as i'm sitting here.
hmph. well my uterus walls seem to be rejecting SOMETHING, i have cramps like a mother and i had a little bit of blood showing, so we'll just wait and see. anyway, i've been thinking and talking to people. i haven't been getting my thyroid regularly, i don't think. and talking to annie last night really frankly last night, and getting her opinion on how things sounded, it really seems more likely that my body's screwed up because my bio-rythms are completely out of whack. i'm on an entirely new schedual, i'm eating differently, i'm sleeping differently, etc, etc, and my body's going "what the hell are you doing???"
also, this week, my body has been feeling fairly premenstral. my boobs swelled, i was VERY mood swingie last night, and i have cramps now. so i think it's just my bio-rythms are off. OH! and you know what i JUST REALIZED! women's cycles are effected when in close quarters with other women, it's some kinda of chemical change through the olfactory glands that effects when your period comes, relative to other peoples. that could be a big reason. i've been in a completely different atmosphere for the last month, with completely different girls, my body's probably responding to that some what. ooo, my mom's full of useful information. and this JUST accured to me. man i've been out of it.
my luvox medication should be here in a day or two. it left the pharamcy one way or another on tuesday, so the nurse lady said they probably got it in the mail on wednesday. uch, but i'm going home cause i have an eye appt at 12:30 tomorrow after noon, so i'll be WAY out of it this weekend. ooo, this should be fun.
someone's alarm clock has been beeping for about 3 minutes now. i'm so out of it. i lie on my bed, and i literally can't move. i was perched on the edge and i kept imagining myself falling off. and i needed to turn off the light, and i had words in my head that i wanted to blog, and i need to write a note to my core course teacher and turn in the fourth grade assignment, and i haven't even started the bullshit essay. i don't think i've done any homework this week for this week. my god, what medication withdrawl can do to you... and my period's a week late... i think i'm getting sick (heh, getting?)...
we had a pop quiz in intro the theatrical design, on a chapter i hadn't read. neither had my pseudo roommate (girl who lives next to me, and is in that class with me) so i fipped open the book and just scanned over the section titles to kinda see what it was about. you know, get your mind in gear in case you really had to bull shit. text analysis... had some pictures from a play mother courage... etc...
there were two questions. simple really. based on what i read as i flipped open the chapter, i took an educated guess for both, and got them both right. it was really damn cool. *looks all proud and smug*
eh, but the professor was saying before hand that the quiz was embarassingly easy. but yeah, it was still pretty damn cool tho. my sister ta's the class, and after class she was joking and saying, "ooo, cool, aileen got them all right, i'll just use hers as an answer sheet if i forget." and it was cool :D
my moment of triumph for the day.
i'm sorry doll, i didn't know you found it. ok, so the things dave shows me from the internet. that better? *gives ingrid a big hug*
i went to queer open mic night. i sang shadowboxer (i actually brought the wrong cd, so i didn't open the evening, but i did sing, and i messed up on the wailing parts as i usually do *sigh* it was fun tho) and very few people were getting up there, so i ended up getting inspired to go up several times, i'm so shameless... told stories, pretended to play ani songs, sang some dave with robb, and there were a lot of other really cool people, and really good stories and such, it was wonderful. it was long tho, people dispersed about a half hour after 10, it was supposed to end at 11, but the mc's thought it was ending at ten, and then they found out, no we have another hour, and we conitued. it was fun. i sang the hippopotamus song, cause i felt like it, and then we dispersed. dylans gay, it's sad cause he's cute. there was another guy who wrote songs who had a really bad story, and there were other people who had fairly ok experiences coming out, and it was cool. it was just like, a really communal environment, and it eventually almost felt like you were performing for friends. yeah. arm-pit hair, arm-pit hair...
and gay couples are so CUTE together, oh my god. i miss maria and leah...
random things i've been meaning to put up for a while:
mailing address. send me stuff :) Aileen Menkin
UCSC, Cowell College #582
301 Mclaughlin Dr.
Santa Cruz, CA 95064(-1018)
muffinfilms.com :) ah the things that dave finds on the internet. i've sent it via IM to various people already, but i just wanted to put the link up, for all ye others.
*grin* it's sunny this morning. too bad i'm feeling like i could easily collapse. i think i'll skip core this afternoon and sleep. good way to let the time go by til i get my luvox refill, which will hopefully be soon. i feel like crap.
and once again, aileen looked down and said "where the fuck did YOU come from???" for she was ample of bust as never before, and she wondered from what odd planet did these strange mounds came, and why they had chosen to use her tiny frame as a resting place. why god why.
*grin* it makes me happy when i have ideas for stuff, and i get a good reaction. i didn't understand why it was such a shock and a rare thing for me, and then i realized, "wait a sec, in high school no-one ever liked my ideas. and very often i still don't get any sort of reaction when i put out and idea, unless we're all really hyper people and doing it anyway, but yeah, this is a rare thing that some one says 'thats a good idea' to a little half baked thing in my head. positive reinforcement, how i've missed thee."
a couple days ago, john (new hampshire) asked me for some advice. and i gave him a suggestion of bringing up a topic and slipping in his example, having an aside where he explains the truth, and then going on unless theres a major reaction. and he said, "thats a good idea. thanks"... SO FEW TIMES HAS THIS HAPPENED! wow
tonight, neil and i were talking about the dark forces opperation, and i was thinking, "hey, we really need someplace we're coming from and someplace to go" and it struck me that we'd all be the types of people that were completely alienated in our youth, but had this hidden genious, and then when we met each other (often by accident in a great-minds-think-alike sort of way) we could instantly tell we came from common backgrounds, and became allies. so we as a group of mercenaries (his term. works rather well) were staking out our own territory to isolate ourselves from society, and expeirment and develope technology for ourselves. neil loved it. apparently myself and his friend brooke in texas need to get together with him and brainstorm. and then all characters could get together in a chatroom and we'd do lots of stuff, to give neil stuff to work with. it's REALLY exciting. probably makes NO sense to anyone other than us, but thats kinda the point. we're living vicariously through our alter egos *grin* and i have two. what does this say about me? ;)
i'm such a schitzo. i'm falling asleep in intro to design, and then after class i end up bouncing around talking about history to my texas boy. it was the whole full circle thing, i was so tired i was hyper. eh, he's just a wonderful boy who got me talking about the facinating realizations about history i've discovered recently. it's all from just looking at it from a different perspective. mrs. mckee would show us things from a diplomatic perspective, ms. ayers would look at thing from the intellectuals perspective, i only had ms. hof one year, but she was damn enthusiastic and would point out the human interaction side of the issues, and now i'm in a class that takes an economic and sociological perspective, and it's just the perfect angle that turns things in such a way that they CLICK, and it's FACINATING and WONDERFUL. it's just so exciting!
the chinese, in about 1200 CE, launched a marine voyage! latteen sails, huge convoy, it was huge! they got to cape of good hope, and the emperor called them back, cause they didn't NEED marine exploration. it would do nothing for the peasents and the people and feeding them and such. BUT WITH EUROPE they were on top of each other and needed more land, and they'd been fighting and trampling on their land for hundreds of years! THEY NEEDED THE EXPLORATION, the greedy, money grubbing, self serving bastards! RAWR~!
anyway, thats what i was jumping up and down about ;)
wow, it's amazing with how many people i whined to last night about how crappy i was feeling i didn't just copy and paste one of them to this page. i slept through my morning class, with great difficulty got myself out of bed for my afternoon class, where the teacher didn't show up but someone collected the assignment that i forgot about while i was working till 3 am the previous morning on my world society assignment thats late already. and i'm running out of luvox and i don't have a refil perscription, so i'm lowering my intake so it lasts and i don't pass out in the middle of the street from withdrawl. so instead of feeling fine, then really crappy, i'm feeling vaguely crappy constantly. and i'm tired and i'm behind in my work, and i can't concentrate because i'm not taking enough luvox, and my tummy isn't happy (dinner and then a thing of chicken noodle soup), and i feel like i should be having my period but i'm not, and i'm not sure if thats cause i'm not eating well, and i have a cold sore on my lip! MRAWR! and i miss my people...
my spark.com personality test results Like just 6% of the population you are a PERFORMER (DominantExtrovertedAbstractFeeling)--personable, self-assured, and excellent under pressure. You are extroverted and strong-willed, which, in combination means you are good with people and aren't willing to let opportunity pass you by. Congratulations. I'm sure all the peons you've stepped on never saw it coming and didn't feel a thing.
You like being naked. (damn straight baby)
Anyhow, you have formidable creative talents, and you often following what your heart tells you instead of your logical mind. Your exuberance can earn you many friends and admirers, despite your ambition, or it can intimidate the less confident into keeping their distance. It's also possible you're Madonna.
hm... for the first time in a couple weeks i have something other than ani stuck in my head. could this be a sign of slightly improving conditions? or just general mood and choice on how to veiw life? maybe a bit of both?
heeeeeey... susan stroman choreography! AWESOME!!! (hm... that lines a lot more amusing when you get to hear the tone of voice they use *shrugs*)
so instead of working on homework i watched "theres something about mary" on tv, because it was on instead of simpsons. when the hell is that show on these days? anyway, most of the other people left and it ended up being me and big dave laughing our asses off. that movie is so incredibly funny, it's wonderful. i think it has the best ending ever. :D
i ate practicly an entire box of garden herb triscits while watching that movie. not a good idea folks. ooo, but fireworks make me so happy. they were going off at the boardwalk, and you could see them from east feild. it made me really happy. i missed jonathan...
wow. i love forbidden broadway. there are always these little parts on the recording that when you listen to it the third or fourth time though, you suddenly hear it and burst into histerical laughter! I LOVE THAT! and then you want to go and play it for everyone you know, but they wouldn't get it... so you're just laughing histericly by yourself waiting for the neighbors to ask what the hell is so funny.
"nathan lane": ah faith, i love ya! but brandy bottle baits is in town! cheesecake! struddle! cheesecake! struddle! ...SCENERY *audibly chews the scenery*
"bernedette peters (sounding very pained)": so miscast....
"mandy patinkin (in a very mandy patinkin fallsetto)": too darn hot...
that made my day. and that should say something seeing how i went to the boardwalk with my mom and sister today. i also went grocery shopping afterwards. so now i have food. it makes me happy.
i'm going to the boardwalk tomorrow (or rather today.) lets see how many time in one outing i can have cause to think of tom... i do miss that boy... *curls up in a ball and goes to sleep*
neil offered ingrid small adorable kitties? i want small adorable kitties. how come i don't get small adorable kitties. hmph. i'll just have to play with my bunny rabbits that dave continually shoots at me *goes off and plays with fuzzy things*
i went exploring today (well, yesterday by now). i was running an virus scan on my computer, and it was taking a while, so i decided to maybe go over to the bookstore, but nothing interested me there, and i needed to go to slug books to sign that check i wrote and didn't sign, so i did that, and then walked back to the bus stop, thinking i'd go to longs and do some shopping. but then on the bus there were these cool people sitting across from me. the chickie was telling some story and rambling on and she hits the guy who's with, "shut me up. say something" "uh... something" she wacks him. i lean over and say, "yeah that'd probably be way more funny at 2 in the morning" and i gave them my shpeel about wanting to be a stand up comedian at a club at 2 in the morning, just cause you'd have the easiest job (*sigh* the joys of 2 am conversations in bed), and they were amused. so we got off downtown, and i asked if they had any recommendations for shops to check out, and she invited me to come to bay photo with them. her name was stephanie, and his name was noel btw. she lives in the village, and he lives off in some house in the middle of no where. noel walked backwards most of the way to bay photo, it was funny. we'd direct him, so he didn't run into trees. anyway, they were really fun people, it was really happy. we went to pacific hat wear. i wanted to get a bowler hat. they don't fit the way i thought they did tho. for that matter, i had the same problem with ALL the hats i'd try on. my head is kinda average sized around horizontally, but i'm small around vertically. yeah, so the tops of hats would go up higher than where my head ended, but when i'd try a smaller hat, it was too tight around my forehead! rawr! but they had damn cool hats. i need to figure out how to adjust hats or get one made that fits snuggly all around my head. i look really cute in twenties and thirties style women's hats. they're fun, just doing the whole down-right to up-left look, and pretending you're judy garland. i needed a camera, keep the image, but not have to spend the money on the hat.
anyway, we then went back to ucsc and got pizza at the theatre arts social, which was actually really fun. cause it was this group of theatre people doign crazy shit and dancing to music. oh my god, most amazing phenomenon that just made me go YAY! "bohemian rapsody" by queen come on. people were kinda socializing in small groups, but with that song EVERYONE, well not everyone but maybe 5 out of 8 people were singing along. and then the music in the song changes and MORE people join in, and then the music changes to headbanger music, and everyone just starts head banging and dancing. it was so amazing to look at. there has to be a name for this phenomonon. mass similar reaction because they've all had similar independent expiriences. so what do you call it when a mass of people who don't know each other all react independantly but the same way to a song coming on. i think thats what amazed me the most, is you could tell it was independently happening. people weren't following each other, they just all had exactly the same impulses. it was really really interesing. it was like watching parallel play on a college level. maybe we really never grow up, we just convince ourselves we're older as our body grows and changes. cause thats all we are, these giant walking petri dishes that all have similar behaviors. but then somewhere in the experience, a chemical reaction caused the quivering masses to be "consious" so we thought we were individual and unique, but we're really all the type of slime blobs in the end, trying to mate and create more slim blobs so we can consume our resources and destroy the planet. huzzah
it has accured to me that if one wanted to write a biography on me they could easily sift through blogs and saved IM conversations and the scattered hand written journal entrys and probably get a good idea. well, the written journal entries don't count because i spell it out in autobio format. but still, its just i was thinking of just sitting and cronicling the whole happenings with neil that have occured in what the last WEEK. and realized, i really had all I needed to recall how it all happened and such. but would a future biographer be able to sift and organize it all? i should like print it all out in a couple years or something and just cut and paste and organize it in a scrap book or something and then store it away or something so i can look at it when i'm older and either get sentimental or go "dear lord i was shallow and fucked up" as one usually does when looking at old writings. but those are usually in reference to diary entrys that say like, "today sucked." one of the things i absolutly love about blogger is that i can just sit down and write what i'm feeling, and just leave it at that. i don't stop and explain why i'm writing, or explain the whole situation that leads up to it like i do in my journal, because i'm feeling like whoever i may be writing to is totally and completely clueless and i have to explain it for posterity. i don't do that for this. but you can complete the situations by looking at the IMs.
i think i'm going to make the scrap book just to see if anyone other than me CAN understand the happenings of it all :)
neil's back. apparently around 4:00 his body could take no more and rebounded ...and gad damn it he's cuter than ever! don't worry. i explain
i just called him up to yell at him to get back online so i could chat with him, and he practicly goes into "mnreh" SPASMS. ok, picture his side of the conversation as very very hyper and excited neil. then triple it. :D
"um.. eh.. meh.. uh.. half hour? maybe more?" "why? what be going on?" "you'll laugh" "...... try me" "...buffy" "::laugh:: wait? its on friday nights??" "no. on tape. very exciting. i go watch"...
if i know the boy at all he was jumping up and down. it was very exciting.
and you know what bryy,
it's my life and it's now or never
and i ain't gonna live forever...
news flash: corn pops when stored in a napkin will not stay crunchy in that crispy sort of way. just thought i'd let people know in case they were thinking of storing corn pops in a napkin for a while. my recommendation? give into tempation and eat them all at once
ah, nothing like the reading of other people's angst filled blogs to make me feel better about my life
you know what? i am really really glad i don't have to wake up at 6 am anymore. that would just pour highly corosive acid over my entire life.
the weather's really neato this morning (yes, neato). it's overcast and misty, so it kinda FEELS like fogg, but when you look out over the bay, you can see the veiw. you can't do that in fog. it was really pretty to look at. i love santa cruz. :)
3 am: aileen is still awake but in bed, attempting to get some sleep
amazing. 2 and a half hours from break down time, and already i'm wondering "so what now?" ... he shouldn't be upset, i've been dealoing with it for a while. it's just once in a while that i sit down and realize, wow this really hurts, and then i'm upset for a while and i yell at him and i run around screaming and then i feel a bit better since i got it out. then things go back to semi-normal.
AND NOW I HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK! BUT I DON'T WANT TO DO HOMEWORK, I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT MY LIFE IN GREAT LENGTH AND DETAIL PRETAINING TO RECENT HAPPENINGS. and i have a dream that i have somewhat written down via saved IM and need to organize into a blog worthy format because it was a damn vivid dream and it was quite nice. it worked out in the end rather well.
...
he used the word "fuck" twice in one night. neil never says fuck...
he's had no cause, reason, or desire to cry for the last 2 and a half years... until now... he didn't tho. but the possiblity was there.
i made him feel worse than he's ever felt. just by presenting a feeling i had... which turned out to be true.
should i be proud?
he confronted things. so few people would do that.
therein lies his uniquness: reacting as others do not
i managed to find the chink. huzzah... now his happy little oblivion is down. temporarily
i'm not sure if i should feel good about this or not. he feels as if he should lose everyone's respect as well as his own fir hurting a friend in such a hypocritical matter. he was expecting me to hang up on him any minute
but i can't hang up on him. thats the problem. if i had hung up on him long ago, he would have been able to continue living in his personal oblivion could be happy and contented and avoid the complications that i inflict on his world.
he is don quixote. and i am the knight that holds the mirror up to him.
because i have to... one can't live in a dream when the rest of us live in reality.
and when i say you sucked my brains out,
the english translation, is that i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
because words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know you should be flattered
whydoihaveawebsite.org i don't know this guy, but i think he's cool. he seems to be one of our kind of people. if you find any contact info (i didn't see any) let me know and we'll attack :D
heh, i just got a call from slug books. i forgot to sign my check when i bought my cowell core books. this was the same day i left my bright green polar tech jacket there. i think i might have been a little out of it.
NeeliaBuzz: ala get the to a nunnery scene in i hate hamlet
Neilsat: mm-HM.
NeeliaBuzz: (oh good, we're on the same wavelength)
NeeliaBuzz: :-D
Neilsat: It is often thus.
*giggles and dances about dorm room. calms down and does theatre design homework*
"Laughter is the best medicine. Well, not for snake bites. Or stab wounds in the head. Or internal bleeding. Come to think of it, monkey soldiers really don't need to learn how to be clowns."
via la monkeys the things jonathan's friends find for him...
foggy today. the sun made a breif apperance but did not end up having a resounding effect on the tempature. crappy breakfast, good lunch, crappy dinner, but the corn pops are back. yay. as i was walking out of the dinning hall i found myself licking my lips. i felt like such a cat! grooming myself after eating. *shrugs* i like food... i like santa cruz...
i've made a certain evolution in where/ who i eat with at meals. i spent the first couple days sitting with random people, ususally ended up in the same physical location. then i got to meeting people through orientation and would try to find and sit with them at lunch or dinner, but i had the WORST TIMING! they'd always be done or finishing up when i sat down. it was really depressing. i drove them away :( so one day when they left i just got up indignantly and sat at the ajacent table and got to socializing with the people there. and hte next day i jsut went to a random table, and just sat and was sociable but not annoying, and thats really my current plan of attack. i come, i find, i plant a little easily removable flag and be sociable. yeah.
NeeliaBuzz: *sigh* can bookbinder and at least ONE of my characters have a thing together
NeeliaBuzz: pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease
NeeliaBuzz: O:-)
Neilsat: Way ahead of you, dear.
Neilsat: She passes out from blood loss after, though.
Sweet dreams...
*blink* THAT BOY IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAWWRR!!!!!
i am sitting at my computer very much without a shirt. or a bra (just to clarify how topless i am) and avoiding editing a paper because i have no idea how i want to organize it, and everytime i try to read it i get a head ache. so i wait for the advil to kick in and having ani lyrics repeat in my head.
we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know how we got in here
and they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out
don't read any deep meaning into the above, the music's just pretty
wow, working on the computer and eating a pomagranate don't bode well together
yes folks, they had a basket of pomagranates in the dinning hall this morning. you know you want it.
i've had the song "done wrong" stuck in my head all afternoon. it's so very mornful and mellow. maybe thats whats keeping me so tired.
i took another nap. they're becoming my specialties. served with HIGHLY halucinagenic dreams. the only other times i've had dreams like that i was on dramamine, and when i was sick as a dog. they're dreams where things feel different, and this one specific texture always comes up. it's solid but very very soft, like liquid silk. when i was sick as a dog at age 7 my pillow turned into this stuff, and while on dramamine the edges of the blanket in the car felt like it. also in these dreams, my fingers swell up and my hands are about 3 times they're normal size at some point or another. and the silky stuff combines with some kind of hard spiky/splintery wood. and i was holding it and trying to fold it up the same way i did when it was soft, and i was hurting my hands but i couldn't let go of this hard, solid liquid mass, and i woke up and still had the feeling in my hands even when i put them under my thighs (they'd been under my stomach) but it went away after a bit. it's just really disturbing when i have these sorts of dreams...
i just took out my braids that i've had in for about a week, i redid them saturday when i took a shower and scrubed my scalp. anyway, so i was going to take a shower in a couple minutes and i took out my braids and with each wiggly section being so intact i look like i have DREADLOCKS! IT'S SO FUNNY! i went and showed the girl next to me, and she said "oh my god, it looks like it's not your hair, it's like a wig or something" and so i was bouncing about showing my friends that were here, and yeah.
...a little taste of the good life, now out nights are fine (nights are fine!), makes you wanna stay! stay! stay for a while...
listening to funky dave mathews and groovin' out. *dances about. hip action in there. grooves out. feels happy and sexy. grooves on over to the shower*
yesterday i came home at around 4 and fell asleep, er.. took a nap til about 8:30, got up ate some oat meal, talked online for a bit, blogged, went back to bed, woke up at about 4 in the MORNING and then there were a series of really odd sounds, like water being dumped outside my window, and my books falling over and knocking off my wallace and gromit figures which procided to bounce off my DESK and fall on my PRINTER and yeah. that woke me up. but i really didn't want to get up because it was about about 4 hours til breakfast was going to be served, so i attempt to go back to sleep, and had some really odd dreams. i'm not even sure i could call them dreams they were more like halucinations, and not the good kind. the kind where everything is just weird and scary. and i kept forgetting where i was, i thought i was at home, but i wasn't. and my back hurt and my skin is disgusting and i need to do laundry but i have class and homework. *sigh* only one class today, so that should be good. :) more later.
so basicly over lasagna i drew the friend-cestiuous chart for my friend geoff that i sit next to in world society. when he had asked me how i was and i explained how i went to bed at 2:30, attempted to sleep for about 45 minutes, then got up and wrote part of an essay, but it was fine i had stuff on my mind anyway, high school drama shit, after class he goes to guessing what the highschool drama shit would be about. i say, "well it's more like SOAP OPERA high school drama" "hm... i've got quite a soap opera myself...", but later over spinich lasagna (which was really really yummy) when i drew out the chart and explained it all and the happenings and going ons, he was put to shame. it's amazing. i'm glad i'm able to laugh about it now since i'm a bit more removed. except for a few aspects. yeah. *shrugs* oh well. nothing i can really do except sing bitter alanis songs in the side lines. thats fun. i'll talk more about that when i have more to talk about. right now i don't. *sighs* i'm going to go back to sleep now. make up for it seeing how i got 4 hours last night. and the fantasitic chat room battles seem to be at an end for now. i wasn;t much into them tonight anyway. had my fill last night :) neil is unholy. he'd probably be proud of that statement if he ever reads it ;)
alright, enough rambling for now. *falls back asleep*
top ten worst ways to spend your weekend:
7. The Dostoyevsky Getaway:
Sit alone in a dark room, thinking of fun things to do; then realize that they're futile, since there is no God, and nothing ultimately matters; then curse yourself for thinking too much, and wish you could just relax and enjoy life like other people; then despise yourself for wanting to be like the brainless bourgeois cattle around you; then laugh at your folly in chasing your own intellectual tail like this; then loathe yourself for laughing, because deep down, you think you might really want to do some of those fun things, but you know that you never, never will, because no matter how much you want to live and love, you are too afraid -- of yourself, of the dark, of life, and of death; and the ultimate curse, and the ultimate joke, is that even your fear, digust and self-hatred don't matter, since there is no God, and nothing matters...
Repeat until Monday, then go back to work.
that made me laugh out loud. it really shouldn't have cause i know people like that, but if you've read dostoyevsky it's halarious.
and every pop song on the radio
is somehow speaking to me
and they say art imitates life
but life imitates tv...
i know, i know, i've been posting mostly song lyrics recently, but they're so true, and they say it so well, and it's just interesting like that. i'll go back to my normal in detail ramblings in a couple days don't worry ;)
soon to come: the real story behind the laserquesting as well as dark happenings at togos afterwards
and life at college. aileen has made a friend in world society and traded soap opera drama stories over lasagna this afternoon.
will aileen ever get her homework done? who knows? if she could, it would be one DAMN fine essay :)
ugh... and the only thing to really do is just... make more thunder? (not in the typical metaphorical sense. think me, here. i know, i know, subtlty of a mallet, but i'm writing a paper about what mindless sheep people are, so i'm just spelling it out a bit more clearly so there's less confusion what this blog is really about) i guess... *sigh*
*sarcastic lightbulb* if you take yourself OUT of the soap opera drama, you won't be IN the soap opera drama. BRILLIANT JEEVES!
*goes and takes a long hot shower* fuck you... and your untouchable face...
