Heals The Original Dryness: 05/01/2002 - 06/01/2002
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
5.31.2002
wednesday night: insert gratuitous comment here.
thursday: overslept got to class late. REALLY regreted that cause he's really cool. met with scene partner people. went downtown for sushi, i was seriously having problems being around that many girls with no testosterone to balance. i am so glad i'm going to be living with guys next year :) went and looked at the house. as in, drove by it once or twice :) morgen agtually got out of the car to look at it, the picked flowers while monica and i commented on the skater boy with pink sunglsses in german accents. came back, watched invader zim for about three hours. didn't call benn... yeah... stupid me... :( it was bad. i called him before i went to bed tho, that was nice :) i get to see him tonight :) in the mean time i need to finish up with psych stuff... that should be fun... i'm bitch about acting stuido one and how i should have killed the children but i didn't and that pisses me off cause i so could have but i didn't GAR!!! i'll just have to do medea again.
you'd think there'd be a limit on how horny an individual could be. but no. esp since it was SUCH a nice day and it was just so warm and so nice and so lazy and gorgeous and i want more days like this so i can lie in the shade and smell flowers and make love. that is so my idea of paradise. *sigh* ah college
you know you're sad and pathetic when:
you can't figure out how to work the vacume...
and you can't spell...
and you haven't vacumed all year (mostly cause you were never there nor could you SEE your floor when you WERE)...
and you can't ask anyone for help cause it's three in the morning...
and you know you're probably not going to get another chance/have the energy later...
and you have an 8:00 section in the morning... that you should really finish your paper for... and really really should because you're going to be a wreck from lack of medication tomorrow so you won't be in any better condition then, probably worse, so you should do it now... but it's three in the morning...
(random thought: i need more purple clothes. no, thinking about it i have plenty of purple clothes. hm...)
and my bruise on my knee seriously looks black. i think its cause it's slightly starting to turn green, but it's still purple underneath
you know what, i think the origin of love has it wrong. it says when we roamed the earth as big swollen kegs we neverknew nothing of love. i think we did. i think we fell in love many times. so now we not only have our other halfs that we are looking for, but we will also encounter other people we fell in love with along the way. maybe even people we were in love with for quite a long time. i don't think there is one person for every person. i think we definitly have a person with whom we WORK. with whom we create a entirly new being, with whom we can watch all around us wile we talk or while we read. but our other half is not our only love. love is an emotion, a verb, not a noun. well, maybe more it's not restricted to being a THING, but more it is a capability we all have to feel powerful emotions at a connection we make with another person. sometimes it is fleeting sometimes it is forever and ever and just continues to grow the more we see the other person, but they are both valid. one does not negate the other, they simply exist. everyday i'm with benn i realize more and more how wonderful he is and how lucky i am to be in such a wonderful relationship that works so well and fells so right. but that doesn't invalidate how right it felt with jonathan or with john. they may not be my "other half" but i was probably in love with them in the time before we became lonely two legged creatures.i don't know if any of this makes any sense, i'm just trying to figure out what it all means, and this feels like a good theory/explination.
i had some violent dreams last night. and this afternoon we had to cut up a branch that fell in benn's driveway. i think i need more physical activity like that in my life. it's highly satisfying. i also need to see if the gym at ucsc has a punching bag. THAT would be cool.
oh, and marcy didn't really like the house :( i'm gonna try to swing by it and see whats up with that. it really sucks. i just want a house so i can say, people, we are living HERE, and have that part of my life and stress be done with. rawr.
well, my knee now has a spectacularly purple bruise on it and i feel like i pulled my hamstring. not sure if the two are related or not, tho it does feel like i might have gotten some muscle bruising in there cause my knee is kinda tight when i bend it.
marcy's going to check out the house today. i was going to come with but it sounds ilke they're planning more of a day thing and going to the beach and stuff, so benn wouldn't be able to come cause theres to much shit to do and i'd kinda rather stay cuddled up next to him :) problem is i am now pretty damn wide awake. grr. nothing like a phone call that forces your brain to turn on to ruin your sleeping in.
went shopping yesterday. benn needed pants. so we braved stanford shopping center and had us an afternoon. i had washed my hair and it was poofy and curly. it's REALLY LONG. like oh my god. i don't think i've been fully appreciating how long my hair is. i know this makes no sense to the lot of you but flipping my head, combing it through with my fingers while it's still wet (wow, gotta love herbal essense moisterizing conditioner. i don't think i've been able to do that in years for too many knots forming) flipping it back... little curls all through my hair goind down past my shoulders. dude, indescribable, i didn't know what to do with it, i was just amazed. i don't think i'll cut it till end of summer. then i can cut off ten inches and it'll be shoulder length. i like it flowy. i remember when i had my bob cut how it would poof out and then just cut off and it looked very much like it had the potential to be huge and flowy, but it was too short. not enough hair. probably would have looked better if i had feathered it more. *shrug* it was really cute when it was wet tho. totally flapper girl style! i loved it! i probably could have slicked it down with gel or something, but no, that'd get icky real quick. plastic or chalaqued (however you spell it, we're being creative here) can only be tolerated by oneself and those around you for so long. it's just, why waste so much money trying to make it something it's not. i mean, maybe for days you want to dress up or something, but it's tiring and kinda wastful of the specialness to make every day a dress up day. i think thats why i save make up and hair products for random occasions, cause doing it everyday wouldn't make it as special. the thrill of it would wear off really quickly. :-/ my tummy's getting meh, so i'll stop rambling for now.
:)
suprisingly good day. good weather. didn't die. got some work done (not as much as i wanted to but.. but.. *hangs head*). after getting through my day i proceeded to curl up on the edge of alan's bed (oh! we were trading shaggy dog jokes at dinner, and proceeded to annoy the people in fireside lounge with them. it was hilarious. they just started listening and then proceeded to tell us to shut up/end the joke already!! i love shaggy dog jokes. they're so much fun) and fell asleep for 5 hours. kinda a "damn! i needed that!" experience. so now i'm going to try to convert my hand written dribble to electronic word processing so i can feel all productive like that. i'll put some exerps of it on this later. i like the theories i'm talking about. that sadly does not mean i UNDERSTAND them, or actually have the ability to WRITE about them in a coherant manner, but um... it's talking about whether language influences thought or if thought influences language. ever bored?? here's a GREAT concept to try to wrap your mind around when you just don't feel like thinking about what you're supposed to.
casey's language style is influencing me to no end... and this is just after ONE conversation. wow... i cower at the potential. cause you know further sematic discourse is simply unavoidable.
alright. here's what i'm going to do. i'm going to finish a paragraph in my essay, get some food, come back, take a shower and then go to section. i'm going to go to class then probably get some research hours done and probably collapse sometime in the afternoon. i'm going to eat dinner and then come back and do laundry and some psych reading, put my laundry in the dryer and do more psych reading, and then i'm going to fold my laundry, brush my teeth, take my pills, and go to sleep at a reasonable hour.
it's may TWENTY SECOND. dude. when did it become MAY 22? where the fuck has this YEAR gone?
my bio rhythms are fucked... up the ass... aka, not in a good way, or depends on who you ask (if its a good way or not)...
i love the way my mind works. thats in reference to my reasoning skills above, not to the fact that i can't tell what time it is or explain when i have (or haven't) gotten sleep ("i ended up sleeping all day last night...")
random: on the keyboard, the letter u is right next to the letter i (*readers look down at their keyboard and are immensly fascinated* ooo...)
also, when i sign my name in an abbriviated form (i really don't understand why the word "abbriviated" is so long) i write "ai"
now, my typing skills being AWFULLY poor, i recently (aka 20 seconds ago) made the mistake of typing "-au" as my signature. i corrected myself but i got to thinking
"Au" is the the symbol for the atomic element of gold...
i think i've just come up with a new nickname for myself...
so, i have this tendency to "live" somewhere, but spend most of my time somewhere else. i "live" in san jose but all my friends are in palo alto. i "live" at cowell but i spend all my time at porter. next year i'll probably live in this house and spend half my time with my on campus friends. i've started refering to myself as a nomad... and i think it's because of my jewish nature! we're all over the place! we wandered in the desert for forty years! dude!
CornTOWM*: heh. dude... you know it was just because moses wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
CornTOWM: (old joke, i know)
but yeah, we may have a "home land" but do we live there? no. we have synagogues but do all of us attend them? only occasionally (true for most religions, but still). i seriously have a theory going here! maybe i'll be able to incorperate it into one of my psych and religion papers next year :)
*thats right, jonathan and i are talking again. he's back online, apparently having a period of time there where he just wasn't able to be online or anything like that due to busy-ness
alright. papers. neeeeed to do them. i got a note from my psychiatrist that says i'm being treated for a depressive disorder, and this may result in me not being able to do things on time. i know it's accurate, but it feels so weird to have it in writting. i feel like there should be more of a "due to recent circumstances" feel to it because i think my depressivness is more due to recent circumstances and my OCD/hair pulling stuff is what i'm being treated for. i GUESS it makes sense that OCD is a sort of depressive disorder. i mean, if you're living with constant fears and the need to protect yourself with ritual, you can't be the happiest of people in the world. *shrug* *sigh*
so despite losing my sanity many times over this afternoon due to lack of sleep, food, and people to live in a house, i think i've managed to put together a decent sized house with good people who will (i hope) work well together and so the next step is actually getting a house that we may all live in and pay low rent. the way it looks now, if we're able to get a cheap three room place near campus, there will be me, benn, blake, james, charles, and buckley for a quarter or two. thats right folks. i will be living with five guys. but for their gender they are all very nice and clean and have good habits and hygeine so no, it will not be a frat place where people will fear entering for the odor that will hit them (heh, can we say media influenced image of what living with college guys is supposed to be like?). with regard to the house itself, marcie has not sold her condo yet so she doesn't know how much money she will have to spend on a house but if we can wait another month she may be able to find a place closer to campus. theres also a house that we found posters for (3 bed, 2 bath) which is leasing for $1850 a month (!!!) for next year, and i called them this evening and apparently they've had five other applicants already, so that doesn't look hugely likely but the guy said to call back wednesday to see if he'd made his decision or if he'd be willing to see other applicants. so yeah, all fun and exciting and stressful and tiring and i keep alternating between feeling like i'm totally on top of things and feeling like i am so behind and i'm floundering and i'm never going to get a house because i don't know what the fuck i'm doing. *sigh*
i also have a theory that my nomadic nature is due to my jewish heretige. explinations later
i know. i haven't blogged much. but just real quick: booya! ok thats all for now... *goes and does something, be it write a paper or play games on benn's palm, we're not sure yet*
so, ok, so exciting, eee! anyway, teleslug, i go on just to see when i'm able to enroll, i totally didn't think i was going to be able to i thought i was like next week, but then NOTHING STOPPED ME, and i was just waiting for something to pop up that tells me when when my erollment was available but it goes to picking classes and entering codes, so i'm like *blink blink* whoa! hey, can someone hand me the fall schedual? and so i enter the code for psych and religion, and i get in!!!! it was so exciting!!! eee!! so i've enrolled in classes and i'll probably drop one if i do a show fall quarter, but eee! so so SO exciting.
pre courser: did you know it costs 80 cents to call palo alto from santa cruz on a pay phone. crazy i tell you, crazy.
so anyway, my people bailed. they decided not to live in the house. this cause me to have a sever stress out session this afternoon. rawr.
NeeliaBuzz: anyway, due to like EVERYONE getting on campus houseing next year, the house (or at least earlier today was feeling like it) had had this little handbasket come up to it and say "hey everyone! lets go visit satan!" and so they all piled in and off they went
NeeliaBuzz: hell in a hand basket
NeeliaBuzz: our house
NeeliaBuzz: basicly our girls are gone along with joe
NeeliaBuzz: so we had lost four people
NeeliaBuzz: and they were trying to get me to transfer colleges so i could live on campus with them in a quad but the deadline to switch colleges was april 19th
Shurakaina: ok... so no one is living in our house next year?
NeeliaBuzz: no, blake is still
Shurakaina: but no one else?
NeeliaBuzz: as of today the tentitive set up is blake derek susan and deven as well as us
NeeliaBuzz: (i'm very much into the idea of lots of people so we can pay cheap rent :-))
Shurakaina: I agree!
NeeliaBuzz: but this is all tentitive because derek is leaning towards on campus houseing, and i don;t know how well derek and blake being room mates would work *shrug*
Shurakaina: *nodding*
Shurakaina: *sigh* so why did the girls bail?
NeeliaBuzz: and apparently susan is a bitchy roomate, and seeing how i'm just sort of close casual friends with her and deven i have no real clue as to how well they would work together as roommates
NeeliaBuzz: cause they all got on campus housing
Shurakaina: but isn't our way cheaper?
NeeliaBuzz: and they want to live together
NeeliaBuzz: well they have scholarships i think and i think they're housing it paid for or garunteed or something like that. SOMETHING that makes living on campus sound fine
NeeliaBuzz: they're not online so i can't ask what
NeeliaBuzz: *sigh*
Shurakaina: *sigh*
Shurakaina: tell blake I'm probably going to get an X-Box soon
NeeliaBuzz: ANYWAY, and deven is the coolest person in the world -blake's probably going to get a ps2, probably for the same reasong you're getting an x box now, lowered the price- and i think she would be much fun to live with BUT she applied to transfer to pitzer and hasn't gotten a letter back yet so she doesn;t know if she's gotten accepted or not so she REALLY doesn't know what she's doing next year
NeeliaBuzz: alan has us as a back up plan because the office lost his paper work for on campus houseing so he's basicly bottom of the waiting list
NeeliaBuzz: but since college 9 and 10 are opening next year they're kinda sorta garenteeing houseing for porter sophmores, i don't know if it's all sophmores or not
NeeliaBuzz: so we are alan's back up plan
NeeliaBuzz: i'm going to try to get in contact with my friend from acting class last quarter because he's really cool and i said i'd call him if we needed people to live with
NeeliaBuzz: tresha will hopefully give him my contact information or get his or something, she's in concert choir with him.
if wishes were fishes, i'd be...
asleep...
in benn's arms...
on his comfy bed...
without a paper due thursday...
without really any major needs or concerns...
without a care in the world...
dreaming peacefully...
p.s. someone found my rings so i should be able to get them back
gad damn it, i was in such a good mood until 12:35 last night when i was lying in bed, my mind wandering and suddenly i realized i had taken off my rings at the picnic table in front of c-100 and left them there along with my water bottle. GAD FUCKING DAMN IT!! that really pisses me off. and i seriously doubt if anyone turned them in to SPO because thefts have been reported, so thats 25 dollars just thrown into the wind. rawr. so depressing. i stayed in bed all day. missed my acting studio, again. fuck. and i have a paper to write this week. i need a shower. FUCK.
my blog seems to have this tendency to be one post behind. so i go and check it and i'm like, "i haven't blogged since sunday? i couldv'e sworn..." and then i come to my edit page and i'm like "ah! yes i did! good, i'm not going completly insane."
i've been majorly paranoid recently, like more than nessecary. i have all these fears that i'm pissing people off and really not meaning to or wanting to and that my relationships are going to be ruined forever or something like that. i think this may be what happens when you combine stress, lack of sleep, and dealing with a friend in a mental hospital. and a boyfriend you have been repeatedly told you don't communicate with enough and lack of SLEEP have i mentioned this? *sigh* paranoia and feeling like your pissing people off is not a good thing. meh. but now i am in bed, happily sexified, and very much ready to fall asleep and get up around noon or so and go do our second performance of program c :)
funny conversation (i amuse myself):
NeeliaBuzz: so you talk more. who are you needing to tell a story to?
elliot42: female
elliot42: person
elliot42: female person
elliot42: I don't discriminate much.
NeeliaBuzz: .............ok
elliot42: it's allllll goood....
elliot42: she's from jr. high
NeeliaBuzz: such specific information....
elliot42: going to st. francis
NeeliaBuzz: ah
NeeliaBuzz: we're getting it more narrowed down now. for a moment there i thought it was an 80 year old in djabuti
elliot42: that was last week
NeeliaBuzz: ah. right right
elliot42: and that wasn't just talking
NeeliaBuzz: your life is so confusing
elliot42: if you know what I mean *wink wink*
NeeliaBuzz: oh i just GOT some if you know what i mean *wink wink*
elliot42: ...
elliot42: ...
NeeliaBuzz: i would know what you ment even if you DIDN'T mean it *wink wink*
elliot42: what are YOU talking about?
NeeliaBuzz: what? benn is here. you think i just put him on a pedestal and call him art?
elliot42: what do you think I do with 80 year old women in djabuti?
NeeliaBuzz: i don;t know, but i think i should try them out
elliot42: well I don't know about you.
elliot42: but I have raging sex with 80 year old women in djabuti
NeeliaBuzz: or try YOU out if you've got 80 year olds from botswana coming over on weekend
NeeliaBuzz: s
elliot42: hrm.
NeeliaBuzz: damn straight
elliot42: well they have quite a rivalry between djabuti and botswana
elliot42: I kind of have to keep them in separate rooms
elliot42: or different weekends or whatnt
elliot42: can't have them getting all rowdy now
NeeliaBuzz: yeah, you know those botswanians have a mean upper cut
elliot42: oh, brutal, yes.
NeeliaBuzz: *nod nod nod*
NeeliaBuzz: (we're so weird)
elliot42: (it's a good thing our conversations *LOOK* normal so no one can tell)
elliot42: (the fools)
elliot42: (ho ho ho)
NeeliaBuzz: (i am sooo posting this)
elliot42: ...
elliot42: ...
NeeliaBuzz: blog
NeeliaBuzz: as i do with many interesting conversations
elliot42: oh dear.
NeeliaBuzz: what? would you rather i not?
elliot42: haha no go for it
good news, i have my period
bad news, i missed section and my 10 class today which i also missed on monday cause i had a doctors appointment.
other bad news. well, one of my friends tried to kill himself on monday. he's currently on day two of his 72 hour hold in the mental ward of the local hospital. we visited him yesterday. he looked terrible. how do you talk to someone like that. i was kinda following the rules of how you talk with the bereived: shut up, be there, and relize it's not about you. i was nominated the "stable person" of the group. there was some joking in the car about since we were going to a mental ward maybe we should have brought more stable people. i should talk to my dad. *sigh*
but first, i really need to shower, seeing how i haven't done that for a couple days and i fell asleep with a text book on my face in the sun on monday. sweat... in the scalp... yeah...
hey kids! when someone give you the option of going home or staying up til 4 in the morning when you have a tech rehersal the next day, take the going home! ... yeah
so today in acting studio we were supposed to think of a physical injury and a personal injury (physical injury 5 years ago, personal 3 years ago) so i'm like ok, 5 years ago i was 13, k, that would be my hypothyroidness. lets pretend that never got fixed. and then for 3 years ago, that would be when i was 15... so that would be liz... ick... and yeah, then we were supposed to pick someone to personify the person who hurt us, and even after the exercise i could seriously not let go of that and it was just like DUDE! jackie is not liz! what are you doing?! so i went up to her after class and just warned her that if i was being weird to her that's why and i apologize ahead of time for doing that. it's just weird how incredibly strong my emotional attachments are with people even 3 years after the fact. it's good in some ways, but it freaks me out muchly when i tap into them and then can't let go very easily
so. it's benn and my 6 month anniversary. and he's been working on a present for me. and he's been so excited, and so cute and it's so amazing. he got my first year of blogs printed in hard copy with a self designed cover. :D. there is like no way to convey my facial expression. it was just so sweet and so AH! WOW! OH MY GOD! speachlessness! cannot express.. wow..
alfred made the cutest comment when i told him about it. he said, after saying "wow" many a time, "man, thats devotion to you, right htere. pure and simple!" and its just really really happy. *smile*
an email i jsut received for the show i'm an extra in:
we have rehearsal for the FULL CAST tomorrow from 5-6:30pm On the roof of the Core West parking lot (the parking structure across the street from Kresge.) So I know you are thinking, why have it there? It is the largest open space we could find, because all the spaces in PA are full. So DRESS WARMLY!!! Bring Jackets sweaters etc. and we'll see you on the Roof.
ok, see that *points down a few blogs to her long rant bitching and moaning about everything*, that is what we call middle child syndrome. thank you benn for pointing that out to me. i did some cleaning up of my favorites folder so i wouldn't have certain peoples pages staring me in the face. waiting to frustrate me. so we are putting them at more of a stone's throw distance to try to do some anger management.
as for my mood swings, it is right about damn time for pms to be kicking in, so that also makes sense as an explaination.
^_^ i just found a toby hair in my nose! ok, that sounds really disgusting but it means that there was a toby hair on my sheets somewhere, which means toby was once on them, which makes me miss toby... :(
i am so fucking manic despressive right now. i think this might be the birth control hormones at work, but don't quote me. but yeah, veeeewy possible...
i think i need to stop reading other peoples blogs. they succeed in making me depressed. i end up missing jonathan, getting frustrated with bryy, getting jealous at neil of all people. i think it's the same kind of subconcious stuff that gets me down at thoughts of jonathan but they're so much more irrational with neil because there never was anything in the first place, but there was, but there wasn't, and it really frustrates me how i have these almost relationships with really cool guys whom i love and have great times with but circumstance or something gets in the way and nothing really happens and it ends up making me feel like either somethings wrong with me or that i could've done things differently or i should have made a different choice and it just PISSES ME OFF. it's just like i could do that. why not me? because i didn't take the initiative, i made other choices, i can't do fucking everything even tho i COULD i just can't SOCIALLY because we have certain rules about manogamy and innate possesiveness and not wanting to share people and i'm really just being fucking selfish by wanting lots of people for myself, but i really don't want them only for myself, i'd share, i just really need to be reassured constantly that people think i'm special and i'm lovable and that i'm not yesterdays garbage that has been left behind for better things. that i make a difference, that people listen, that people REMEMBER ME! i just feel so rejected when people don't listen or they leave me behind. i want control! i NEED control! i'm obsessive compulsive damn it! thats like our entire essence! we feel anxiety over something irrationally, and so attempt to control it with rutines, which we CAN control, and reassure ourselves of our control with those rituals or compulsions. but as much as i would love to just have wild passionate sex with a huge number of people (not random people, specific people that i just need to have sex with) it really wouldn't do a fucking bit of good and would probably complicate my life to the high ends of hell so much that i would just have to move to... somewhere else and just start over. maybe write a book about the whole thing to amuse people. just cause i've had such a shit load of drama in my life and that would just be the denoumont. i have no idea how i'd be able to pull it off. i really wouldn't be able to pull it off. even the idea isn't practical. this is why i'm stuck with flashes of dispair. because i have no fucking clue how to fix it, and every solution given or thought up just wouldn't be good enough or would fuck things to high heaven. *sigh* and it doesn't help that my only contact with jonathan these days is his page. and the occasional email, but those were just technicality working out kind of emails cause i want him to come see chautauqua and find a poster for his room because i saw one that he wanted at the poster shop in palo alto but didn't get it, and now i'm trying to get myself to the poster shop down here but they close at like 6 so i never get down in time and i'm not even sure what they have and it's just messed up. whatever. i think he's blocked me. i wouldn't be suprised. it's probably easier that way. RAWR! i just seriously can't get over him and can't do a fucking thing about the situation because we've made our decisions and thats that and it jsut wouldn't work. *rants and raves and continues to feel like her life is shit for a while...* it's times like this that i wish i had long distance.
