i finally find an amazing, sweet guy, who's able to say "i'm sorry", more than once, ....and he's moves to guam
and takes way too long to get back to me, but so far he has a 6 month record to beat in terms of how long it takes a guy to call me back.
bleh, and 2 am confessions of love, no, maybe just confused feelings, never end up sounding the way i want them to. or at least reading them the next day leaves me with a "what the hell was i talking about, he's never going to understand that, you're just freaking him out and confusing him and he'll never write back now"
i hate how much this guy makes me freak out. no, he's not making me do anything, i just doubt myself, which i shouldn't, but i do.
him: hey
NeeliaBuzz: hi
him: how ya doin
NeeliaBuzz: better
him: good
him: just wanted to make sure you were alright
NeeliaBuzz: failed writing 1
him: oh
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
him: im sorry
NeeliaBuzz: went home, called my mom, things'll be ok
him: good
NeeliaBuzz: got a ride home with christina and tommy gomez, talked to them about it, reassuring hearing from two people with MFA's that its not a huge deal
NeeliaBuzz: and i should be able to take it at some community college for transfer credit next year
him: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: its just such an easy symbol of failure for me
NeeliaBuzz: thats the main thing that upsets me about it
him: well, my sympathies.
NeeliaBuzz: thanks :)
NeeliaBuzz: it was great, a friend of mine IMed me by chance last night and took me out
NeeliaBuzz: nothing crazy, but it got me out of the apartment and around people and that was good
him: nice
NeeliaBuzz: was thinking of calling you when i got home at 12:30, but decided i should really go to bed cause i didn't sleep much the night before
NeeliaBuzz: i had a panic attack at 4 am night before last cause i couldn't write
NeeliaBuzz: i thought i was losing my mind
NeeliaBuzz: finally called my parents at 5 am, my dad tried to calm me down and help me organize myself so i could do the fucking paper
him: i see
NeeliaBuzz: got things organized, said go get a drink of water, wash your face, and see what you cnn do
NeeliaBuzz: i got some juice, stared out the window for a bit, called my dad back said i was going to liie down for a bit, can he call me in an hour, he did, i set my timer for 15 more minutes after that and proceeded to sleep thru it for a couple more hours
NeeliaBuzz: so 10 am i'm still feeling myself freak out every time i think about the paper, realize, hey, that was probably a panic attack, not me losing my mind, but i'm still feeling residuals from it when i look at what i have to do and that i have no time and feeling hopeless
NeeliaBuzz: so i do about 1/5 of what i need to in the time i have left, go to class anyway, forget what a crazy effect caffine has on me, am sitting there with my heart pounding in my chest and my legs practically twitching uncontrolable
NeeliaBuzz: talk to the professor during break, see if its possible to take an incomplete or get more time to finish stuff, he says no you've had plenty of time, i understand you've had your drama stuff (talking about the ssc job) but i have to much i need to do as well and can't let you turn things in late, at least your taking it pass/no pass, it won't effect your gpa
NeeliaBuzz: so i stick around, do my presentation simply to entertain and educate the class about broadway, talking really fast cause i'm all hyped up and want to do something different than the fucking monotone drolls that everyone else has inflicted upon us, was thinking of doing it standing on top of the teacher's desk, but sat on it instead, still different, amused people, resisted the urge to flip of the teacher and storm out of the room afterwards
NeeliaBuzz: get some food at the bookstore after, walk over to theater arts, take down the clock numbers, other people show up and i realize i'm seriously falling apart and can't be around people right now, tell people i'm feeling ill and depart
NeeliaBuzz: so that was my yesterday
omg, colin farrell. the man literally has more phermones than god. he can induce an orgasm with a single look. oh my god, i don't know what i would do. if seeing him unexpectedly on saturday night live reduces me to a giggling melting pile of... i don't even know! its not right i tell you!
a test to see who you are and if you actually pay attention to my blog.
i have just entered and entry that no one should ever see if they want to keep their self respect. tho not as bad as some of the shit out there, this is on par with a mild "the aristocrats" joke. i would not want this to be out there in a way that just anyone could stumble on, in fact i can think of quite a few people, even if they were curious and asked to see said post i would not show it to them because it would just be too much to their fragile little images of me. yeah, they don't have fragile little minds, but i wouldn't want to be one to deliberately callus them, at least not with this material.
now, aren't you intrigued?
i love this book, our musicals, ourselves. i suddenly understand why i didn't like grease and little shop when i was younger. because they invoke nostalgia. a nostalgia i didn't have. and in terms of grease, still don't have. little shop i think has gotten to me thru other means, nostalgia of having seen it in the past and listening to it and memories from childhood etc. plus i really like the music. its much more blatently dark. whereas grease's intended parody was so mild it basically got lost. iiiiinteresting.
