Heals The Original Dryness

aw shit, i can't do anything right today. got an eye appointment in san jose, staying over night in san jose, since i can. grabbed my meds (or my bcp and pill box) on my way out the door, only to discover when i was on the bus that my pill counter was empty. oh well, its just one night, not too big a deal, i can just make sure i get back to santa cruz early enough to make sure i'm in good form by tech. i had also brought a bag of clothes so i could wash some while i was here... and proceeded to leave them on the bus... only to realize i had done so when getting home to parents house. called metro center, they can't contact the bus cause its on the freeway, bus will come in at 4:15, if its still there they'll drop it off with security, lost and founds not open on weekends, so i'm stuck with no change of clothes and shall be greeted with a bag of dirty laundry on monday. yippie

on subjects of old:

you know i can't tell if i'm completely not over him or if i'm simply reacting out of habit. i hate how posessive and jealous i get with him. mostly cause i have absolutly no right or reason to. i guess its just one of those things. why the hell is she so special? why can't I make him happy? why did i FUCKING SCREW UP my chance once i got it? its just a fucking unresolved situation and thats really why i should let it go because he is just someone who hates directly communicating and directly resolving things, he just runs away and it drives me bonkers and its one of the main reasons why we'll never work and i just need to remember that. and yes, if history repeats itself i'll get another chance in three years. or i'll be completely over him and not give a fuck what he does in three years and all will be well.

i feel very cold and alone right now, its really fucking depressing

jacket boy is back, baby. below cut and paste from im conversation, edited towards the end. deal with it, i'm lazy :)

Me: i was going a little nuts in general, one thing after another, wasn't putting me in a good place
Me: but i'm doing better
Him: what happened???
Him: tell me all
Me: well me having an over active imagination and you disappearing weren't a good combination
Him: :-(
Him: im sorry
Me: first i thought you just weren't calling, then several days later i tried calling your phone and it said "this number is no longer in service"
Him: lol stupid phone comp didnt auto charge my credit card
Me: so that amplified the "what the fuck!" and of course at 2 am my mind is going "does he no longer exist? did he ever exist? did what happen just happen in my mind? if so, how the hell did i get this jacket and someone else's wallet??"
Him: owwww
Him: not good
Me: so this on top of not getting much sleep and my internship being a total joke because it really makes no difference if i'm there or not, so that makes me feel REAL valueble
Me: all this while not being able to talk to my boyfriend
Him: ooch
Him: i could see that getting bad
Me: who finally comes back and calls me a day before i thought i'd get to talk to him, but then doesn't call for another two days, so i get to go nuts speculating about that. he met someone, wants to spend as much time as possible with her. might read my blog, found out about you, refuses to talk to me about it. fallen off the face of the earth. lots of things come to mind. i'm an idea girl after all
anyway, finally i get to talk to him and first half was good, but we feel like very different people and its weird, and basically he had had a great two weeks, totally thrilling, learned so much, not just skills wise but about himself and what he's capable of and he's over come fears... and i've spent two weeks sitting on my ass and slowly going nuts!
anyway, that was just totally not what i needed, totally not expecting that huge a difference in us, he's being kinda condecending with me because he's all centered and strong and stuff while i'm this spastic scattered mess
so it was a night of catharsis and i almost broke up with him because i totally couldn't feel inferior in YET ANOTHER aspect of my life, esp that one, and i was all freaking out and stuff
anyway, he felt terrible for coming across as condisending and making me feel aweful, reminds me that he may have had a great time but the rest of his life is still in as much scatters as i am
huge cathartic conversation
night before my birthday all this while
it worked out ok, neither of us wanted to leave things unresolved so we just tried to get everything out there and get back on the same page and figure out what we want etc
so we're still basically as together as we are this summer. don't get to see him for another two weeks or so cause he's going to hawaii with his mom, but at least we're back in communication with eachother
So birthday went bar hopping last night with my roommate, got piss drunk, didn't throw up, was drinking enough water thru out the night to avoid a hangover and ended up getting more sleep than i had in a while cause i gave myself a midnight cerfew and totally passed out when i got home. it was fabulous. first time i've really been drunk drunk. i can see how people might get adicted to that feeling
last night i had a beer with dinner, then we went to one bar, left cause i didn;t know anyone there and didn't feel like getting a drink there, went to another one, actually ordered drinks there, kamakazis, walked down to the catalyst, decided we didn;t want to go in quite yet, went down to another one, bartender recomended irish car bombs but i wasn't sure i wanted that much, so i just got the baileys cause i wanted to try it, then went to the catalyst, ran into theatre people there, some guys at the bar thought i was cute, one of them had had a birthday on the 20th, bought me a drink. first time i've experienced that "eyes up here mister" i was wearing a provocative shirt tho, but i still thought it was funny
so yes, very decent birthday night

little sister's they're so caring

Josie: HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! YAY! 21! @! NEATO! YOU"RE OLD
Auto response from NeeliaBuzz: i can buy booze. i must abuse htis privalage
Josie: and I'm going to bed
Josie: have a nice b-day and dont get too plastered

so james and i didn't get to safeway in time to attempt the 11:59 pm purchase. we got to the store at three after so i was like "oh well, i'll settle for a 'hey, you're not waisting any time are you?' look" i got a fairly jaded late night cashier tho. he did wish me happy birthday, which made up for it :)

ok, so the power of the liquor isle is a bit overwhelming. i was standing there and could seriously buy anything. anything! for me! with my money! i didn't have to stay within my cash limit cause someone else was buying! i could start a liqour cabinet! i could buy things just cause they were cool! i could buy stuff, just cause it was cool, and then give it to my mom! (twas considering that with a southern comfort bottle that came with a plastic lemonade pitcher.)

to quote my 22 year old friend: aileen... your world is about to change

word of warning to anyone/everyone out there. i'm pretty much writing in this thing these days as if no one's reading it. so if you're someone i do talk to regularly, don't use this as a primary source of information. or at least pretend you don't. one of the things that bugged me in my blogging hay day was that i'd go to tell a story and the person would already have heard it and go "yeah, yeah, i read that in your blog" nothing to be done about it, it was just kinda annoying. anyway, i'm just feeling really paranoid right now. people seem to be disappearing on me, and i really don't like being disappeared on (odd phrasing that, i know). and if you do get offended by something or you want to know "what the hell?" go ahead and ask. the thing that i hate more than anything in the world is finding out i did something wrong without knowing it and only finding out later that i completely upset someone. if i upset someone please tell me as soon as possible so i can fix it or make it better (if i can)

oh good lord, his mobile number is no longer in service. he has vanished off the face of the earth. if he ceases to exist, does that mean i didn't have a torrid affair? i just somehow got a jacket and someone else's wallet in my room? it was all just in my head? the terrible thing is i have no trouble believing i could be that crazy. no is it hard for me to imagine someone going to great lengths, simply to avoid having to see me again.

he hast vanished, pouf

can't sleep, clowns will eat me
 
no, can't sleep, mind racing, one of those nights where it just won't shut up and for some reason every single embarassing moment is just going thru my head all at once, and no covering my face with a pillow isn't helping. so i get up and write online and talk with people who are still up, and continue to fuck up my sleep schedule
 
ari called me this morning! it was really exciting, i totally wasn't expecting to hear from him til tomorrow (or today rather) and it just made me really happy. he just awakes a power of energy in me. the feeling that i could touch him even tho he's blank many miles away. doesn't make up for the fact that i can't hug him but at least i know (or sometimes know) that he can feel it.
 
i'm trying to imagine or remember what it would feel like to not have everything be completely uncertain in my life. currently the only certainty i can think of is that i will be spot op for tamer tamed. but like what i'll be doing tomorrow, when i'll get laundry done, how ari and i are doing, if jacket boy will ever call, when i'll go home and celebrate my birthday with my parents, if james and i are going to move, how i can make this place better if we don't move, how to resolve the differences james and i have over this place, and my body has just been all out of wack, i lost my reading glasses so i'm getting eye strain headaches all the time, i'm totally not getting enough excercise, i'm not eating well, my sleep cycle i think is officially fucked, i'm lonely and depressed and i don't know what to do with myself because i don't know what i'm doing! ever! and then i have nights like this where i look back and go "what the fuck have i BEEN doing?" and it just degenerates me into a pile of aching crap that has no energy or drive to do anything.
 
and theres a big stinking pile of dishes in and around the sink that just depresses me everytime i look at it.

i'm so lame i can't even get a cute guy who's left his jacket and wallet at my place to call me.
 
yes, theres probably more to it then that esp since he's working on a movie (jonathan: jeez, is everyone working on a movie this summer?) and so has really odd and long hours and stuff, but thats how it ends up feeling.
 
i think i'm going to use my birthday as an excuse to call up some of my one night stands and say "what the hell happened man? why'd you never call, huh?" seems like a drunken thing to do. but i try not to get drunk drunk so i would be just drunk enough to have no inhibitions about calling one night stands, but not be so drunk that i can't remember the conversation. or do i want to not remember the conversation. my rational brain says i'd want to remember so i can use the information as a learning experience but if they're just like "well, you were a crazy ho, so i just took what i needed and left the rest for the highway" or whatever guys who don't call me would say, would i really want to remember just being insulted. and i don't think one is supposed to plan ahead one's drunken shenanigans. i'm way too much of an intellectual.

oh yes. countdowns and i love the 90's have slowly devoured my soul.
 
cable television is just the devil in disguise. is bad. is very bad. and jon stewart is just that shining beacon of hope... at 11 pm...

i love good conversations with people that you didn't fully expect to be interested in having a good conversation with you. its a really good feeling. like theres actually back and forth dialogue. he's asking questions. about my history. thought provoking questions. its so great. proves theres more than just witty reparte. which is always good, but its nice that theres depth too.
 
i could seriously make a list of all the boys in my life and susequent boy nicknames. i think i'll have to do that offline tho so as not to spawn any drama, you know. sucks when i only sort of know who's reading my blog (almost said live journal there *shakes fist at james* and no that was not an invite for a roll call, tho i might do that in a little while)

i do believe its a week til my birthday. very exciting.

and it seems i'm able to survive boyfriend being out of contact for a week. after a week tho... well, i start to get weak, and regress into patterns of history. it'll be interesting to talk to him when he gets back.

probably because its late, my arms really look like alien arms right now. my wrists and forearms are really skinny, and my hands look really long. its a little weird.

and this country seriously frightens me. i might have to flee if things continue down this road.

so many daggers, so little time

(since time is money, well, you do the word substitution)

i have a birthday coming up. its very exciting. i've decided i'm not going to buy myself things until after so i don't accidentally buy something that someone else is going to buy for me. aaaaahhh, the materialism of me. well, i don't do christmas, so i've got to make the most of the birthdays. i usually don't get much anyway, so i'm just getting excited over nothing. ah well. it still makes me happy that i'm turning 21 and will probably go out to nice fancy dinner with family or roommate and/or boyfriend. i'm optomistic these days. even if i'm still going thru bouts of depression. sometimes. *shrug* i really just need to get more excercise.

i have my own frikkin computer! woooooo!

we're still working on everything and i'm trying to decide what i want it to do and not do and such. i'm not used to this kind of freedom and control. its a little intimidating at times. anyway, now, to figure out how to check my email...