Heals The Original Dryness: 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
8.31.2004
i miss ari
i hope we can work things out
does he miss me at all? i have no idea what he's thinking right now. all i can do is guess and wonder
*late september postscript*
its really depressing looking back on this entry and knowing nope, no he wasn't, i was apparently "the last thing on his mind" as he was making out with his best friend's girlfriend in mexico at this time.
i really should just delete this post. i don't need yet another reason to want to vomit
i wrote a rather depressing post last night, because i was in a very melancholy mood because ssc was over and i was lonely and depressed, and i was listening to music on itunes, and itunes and my computer don't always get along so i was adding an amendment at the end "*goes and curls up in a ball on our new comfy chair, talks and is hugged by james for a bit*" something along those lines, all this while still a little drunk from the rush, i go to change itunes songs and the computer shuts down. i was too tired and drained to do anything other than take my meds and go to bed.
watched a couple movies today. ones we had from netflix. good distraction, really should be packing stuff. need to get some more boxes in here, repack my cd's (as in put them in a bigger box cause there are more of them now) maybe start packing my clothes and putting to order some other crap. bleh, i hate it when i have to be self disciplined
so because my subconcious is just that fabulous, i had a dream this morning emphasizing my insecure and deep jealous nature. something involving as you like it and me not remembering my phebe(sp?) lines and some love triangle among the acting interns. it ended with me attempting to scream out my driveway and my older sister acting like some buddist priest trying to calm me down and justify the ways of the world.
ari and i have officially broken up for a week, maybe longer, we'll see. i have had little to no libido these last couple weeks, which sucks cause guys usually do and i have been having to say, "no get off me" a lot more than i ever thought i would. i'm upset that i don't have control over boys who are 300/3000 miles away from me. i'm upset that i am bugged by this and that i am that much of a control freak. i'm frustrated that i don't know how the details of moving are going to work out. my room is a mess. i need to get more organized.
rawr, this isn't helping. when i woke up this morning it seemed like i really needed to purge my mind but this isn't going anywhere, i need to shower. i'm going to see hero this afternoon with darin and i have my last tamer tamed show tonight. i'm probably just getting post show depression early. *sigh*
why is guns n roses so good for these moods? some how headbanging and jumping around in my room while fake screaming along with the lyrics just picks up the mood. odd, who knew?
one more show! and then we pack, and then i go home for a weekend and then we come back and move stuff to our new apartment! how? not sure yet... working on that...
fun site. first time i've taken online tests and not felt the need to post the results on my blog. i guess i'm just in more of a reflective state right now. they're good, i found them pretty accurate. in general i seem to be a pretty balanced person, which is good and quite comforting.
how am i? (friend asked "whats up?" and then signed off but he'd been on and off several times already, problems with trillian, so i wrote this but he never came back on, so i'm posting it so i can at least save it)
not too much, kinda down, probably doesn't help that i haven't eaten yet. bf was in town for several days. not the visit we were expecting (aka 5 fun filled days of sex) because i was recovering from a cold sore and then just really had no real libido, and we're in totally different states right now, and i'm not even sure if i should have a boyfriend and he's been having all sorts of issues this summer. anyway, we did get to talk about it and stuff and things are once again clear as mud (as they've been this whole summer)
i went to a karaoke bar last night with people from my show. it was fun, i got to sing, apparently i was "adorable" and i resisted attempting to get people's criticism of my voice. then we went to another bar and then i get a ride home and continued reading good omens, a very good book you should read it sometime.
i need to go get milk and stuff. must get out of the house.
in other news james has a computer, and i finally bought my monitor (stupid paypal, taking a long time) and its being shipped. huzzah.
i wonder what it would be like to see my senior class again. i was looking thru senior pages in josie's yearbooks. i'm so disconnected from castilleja these days. it seems so distant from me. which is good. there was a lot of pain associated with that place. i was not my best person there. i absolutely loved my freshmen, and i look at they're senior pages and they dont look a day older than when i left them. but they're all grown up and going off into the world. holy shit man. and these are bright fucking kids. a part of me really wants to find out what happened to my seniors. they're all graduated from college now. thats crazy. what are they doing with themselves? are they reaching this slump that i'm sure i'll experience once i graduate. do they not know what to do with themselves? or are they delving into their careers that they are going to be hugely successful in and make lots of money and live in upper middle class houses and continue they're palo alto traditions? insanity. its such a different world. that i was never a part of. i'm a nomad... *feeling that word didn't sound as good as it could, aileen looks up on dictionary.com synonyms for nomad: wanderer, rambler, rover, vagabond... gypsy... i could be a gypsy...*
i'm going to make a business card. it shall say, "muse, chameleon, vagabond."
i made a list of things i want to do with my life but i think i left it in san jose, ah well. i was going to post it last night and got all caught up in talking with random people and such.
i went to a karaoke bar tonight with tamer tamed people. i sang luck be a lady. it kept changing keys. it was frustrating. apparently i was cute tho. but i wanted to get criticism for my voice or something. i dunno. my lower back hurts tonight, i'm really out of it. its hard to figure out the state of the world (by world i mean my own little world, not the world world) right now and i'm really getting into good omens and i'm amazed at how much faster of a reader i am these days, but i think its also cause i'm reading pretty quick reads right now, or was, i'm starting on thicker/smaller print books. my eventual goal is to read alexander dumas, cause i feel i aught to. i really want to read count of monte cristo. and i probably should read three musketeers but i've seen so many versions, stage and screen and such, and josie's read it and was very distressed with the poisoning scene, which in ashland was the most beautiful and powerful scene that i've seen in a while. oh man. moments. mearly moments. *sigh* for those moments in the woods *goes off singing*
it was good being back online last night. ari was here for several days, and that was wonderful and everything, but theres something about being able to have multiple deep conversations at once that i absolutely love. i missed it.
that sounds like a closing line from a kevin smith movie or something. just a little afterthought at the end after all the other characters have there little subtitles that say what happened to them.
either that or its the last page of a children's book of some sort. i need to write that children's book now.
i think i'm a slight hypocondriac. not a good thing. makes one quite paranoid. doesn't help to surround yourself with people who are disease paranoid too.
so, a poetic discription of the remains of my herpes. for those of you uneducated in the matter, Cold sores, sometimes called fever blisters, are clusters of small blisters on the lip and outer edge of your mouth. The skin around the blisters is often red and inflamed. The blisters can break open, weep a clear fluid, and then scab over after a few days. Complete healing may take 7 to 10 days. (description provided by WebMD. notice the use of capital letters. obviously not my words :)
i am currently in the part of the healing process that involves the scabbing over for a few days. despite its appearance of being just dried clear fluid, it is actually a scab and therefore can not just be cleaned off by chipping off the crustingness that is on my chin. its like the remains of a battleground, attached to my face. the war is no longer going on (aka the desire to take a scalpel to my face has lessened) but i'm basically carring around a carcass. its not the most attactive thing. nor does it feel like an attractive thing. a mini equivalent of the albatross. but for what? for making out with a guy who had a little bit of chin stubble that scraped at my skin not enough to make it bleed but just enough for my dormant virus to go "ooo! thats prime landscaping there!"
*sigh* i hate those doctors appt where i very much feel like i didn't need to be there in person for it. the lady barely looked at my sore, and the info that i got was that cold sores weren't actually usually treated. the medical studies show that medications only usually help reduce healing time by maybe a day. that i probably just missed the window of opportunity where the meds would have been actually effective against the cold sore. or maybe i'm hiv positive and my immune system isn't as strong and its having trouble fighting the break outs. all HIGHLY comforting thoughts, really they are. on the plus side we officially changed my dosage so instead of having to take 200mg every 3 hours i can take 400mg three times a day and that should be just as effective. yay. and my other personal explination for why this was such a bad break out is that since the herpes wanted to get to my chin cause thats where it was all stimulated and stuff but its most recent pop up was at my lip and thats kinda its home turf it needed to build at its base before it could move into periphery. blerg.
so more on the TMBG concert. totally thought there'd be more ucsc people. there were a handful. but not my expected tmbg crew. they're all probably at home moping "oh, i've already seen them, and i'm so poor right now, i cant afford a 20 concert thats down the street from my house." but i ran into a girl i was in "kate anderson and the book of the dead" with, she'd apparently been off in japan teaching english for a year. i ran into a girl from acting class, another actor guy from porter, rob and tess, and this guy from yavneh. it was really bizarre, we were totally looking at eachother with that "do i know you?" look and ever so slowly it clicked. turned out his family was there too, which was great they were sitting and could protect my jacket for me :)
i was much closer to the stage this time than the time in sf. they're such an awesome band, i just want to be there friend. i really need to become a roadie so i can follow them around and hang out and stuff. there set seemed smaller than the last time. but this was a smaller venue and a cheaper show (can't remember how much the other show was, but i do believe this one was cheaper) still a really awesome show tho. i was wearing a way too bouncy skirt, i had to hold on to it so it didn't fall off as i bounced around.
ok, ari is distracting me now, i guess i'll finish this post later
i hate how much a fucking cold sore disables me. i was going to see theatre tonight. granted its probably good that i saved $27 but there were two really cute guys in that production that i really wanted to see. i'm tempted to go and hang out around the theatre and just say hi to them or something. but then we get back to the fact that i have a HUGE FUCKING COLD SORE on my chin. it shouldn't but it really does disable me. i don't feel like doing anything, i don't want to go anywhere, i don't want to see anyone. i could have gotten up this morning but instead i decided to continue sleeping waking up every three hours to take some medication because sleeping meant i didn't have to be concious and aware of my fucking chin being on fire. i should see if i can get like topical anesthesia for times like this. carmex tries, it really does, but every time i just want to take a scalpel and remove the affected area. i don't like it! and i hate that i totally saw it coming! i felt it last night but didn't think it was actually it. but last time i made out with a guy who's chin kept scraping mine with his stubble, totally got a cold sore. i shoudl just start taking the stuff morning after. rawr!!!! *pouts*
odd, some random blogs from way back were accidentally posted on one of the other blogs i'm a part of. how'd that happen?
and also my internet has been being weird. it will think its having trouble posting a two line entry, which is really silly. dunno whats going on. blarg.
yaaay! we have an apartment! we'll be moving soon! we need more furniture! we'll have an actual living room! yay!
on the downside my computer is starting to show its wear and tear already. it seems to have trouble with itunes on occasion. it'll just randomly shut off, i'll turn it back on and it will say it had a thermal thing. pisses me off.
its been hot the last few days. ari should be coming to visit next week. he called last night, it was very exciting.
lotta boys... is that just cause i recognize more of the male names than the female names. or do the stars align in a way that encourages male births. is that why i don't i don't identify with my gender much? janet reno isn't exactly a girly girl herself.
i'm becoming rather disconnected to my past and plunging frighteningly into the future. yet only the next two years are certain, fairly remotely so but i do think that i'll probably be in school and living in santa cruz and doing some theatre stuff. but what happened to my casti people? what happened to all those friends i made thru benn? what'll happen to all those ucsc friends who have graduated? most of this is coming to fruition because of my aim buddy list. so many people on that i really don't talk to. i just have them on as a "huh, they're online, interesting" because i'm a control freak and need to know who's where when and who's talking to whom when and stuff like that. but whats the point if they're totally no longer a part of my life?
*goes ahead and deletes a bunch of names off my co-workers (aka just spying, seeing if they're online, we never talk) list* alright, we're moving forward
the past cannot be changed. therefore it cannot be controlled. i accept this. i enjoy dwelling in memories because they are enjoyable and i like seeing where i've been.
the present is forever dynamic. i try to make the most of it and enjoy my opportunities when they occur.
the future is fucking scary. despite what people say "the future is in your own hands" its complete bullshit. there is no way of completely controlling the future. even if one tries, one is only controlling maybe 45% of it. so much is beyond our control. i don't like feeling that. i dont like feeling hopeless, useless, unable to control things, its scary, its frustrating, and the most i can do once i accept that something is beyond my control is to try to avoid it so i avoid the frustration of being helpless, etc.
i have problems. i don't know what to do about them. most of the time these days, i'm pretty much avoiding them. but every once in a while they stare me in the face, and i can mearly cower and cry
i am enjoying how my hair when its down can keep me warm. during the day... not always at much. but at night when i discover i can be quite comfortable at my computer in a tank top, its nice.
speaking of which, we might be moving. we gave a deposit and stuff so he's holding the place for us and such, doing some checks of sort, i dont know, but hopefully he'll take us and then we can move into a place with a living room, and closets, and storage space! we may yet be able to have social gatherings! for there will be space. we'll need more furniture tho. so i guess, yard sales galore.
my grandparents framed a little water color i did while i was down there last. sent me a picture of it. the frame kind of cuts off part, but the thing is the paper i did it on was slightly torn at the bottom cause i ripped it out of the booklet badly or something. anyway, it covers up a bit but i'm realizing that i'm liking the parts that are covered up (as in they look good covered) they framed it really well, and i was sort of having artist regrets about that painting cause i didn't really like some parts of it but there was nothing i could do, you know, but i think having it framed and cropped down to the good part and then having a tiny photograph of it sent to me puts it in a good light in my mind. i'm not able to scrutinize it as badly. and i can pin up the picture of it on my wall. thus displaying it for all to see.
ohyes, and opening night of tamer tamed went fablously. lovely little cast party afterward that then migrated to the rush inn, which then closed an hour later, and i ended up going home all by myself. i really just wish i had someone to cuddle with tonight. i'm physical affection starved and i only got a little sampling at the party, not enough to quell my need, just enough to wet it. terrible i tell you. but soon. soon i shall be able to cuddle with the boyfriend. and it will be so wonderful you won't even know what to do with yourself.
so another poor soul has had his head chopped off and had it shown on the internet. this is a rather new combat strategy and i can see in the history books them talking about the new way the internet worked with america's "war on terrorism". and kids in history classes when i'm an old lady will interview me and i'll tell them about how incredibly disturbing a time it was and how i'm so glad i escaped to canada. or how i'm so glad that california finally ceceeded from the union and offically became the countries of nor-cal and so-cal. or how california ceceeded from the us, and then bay area ceceeded from california, and the countries of monteray bay and san francisco bay lived together in fabulous liberal harmony. something like that.
and horray for josie for getting all the classes she wanted and having a fabulous fabulous advisor. i never got mckee, i'm sure she's fabulous. i'll need to come by and say hello to her.
this is the allure. being older. being the first. being the translator, the teacher, the epicure, the already jaded. this is how the giver gets taken. -how i learned to drive
i feel very much like a 5 year old. i'm eating goldfish and drinking apple juice. very specific taste bud combination memory. sends me back to lunchtime at yavneh. i can picture the playground and everything. but then i realize i'm up voluntarily at 2:30 in the morning. i don't really think an elementary school kid would be doing that
i hate house hunting. and i hate having an unhappy roommate. and i hate being lonely. and i hate being lonely and miserable when other people are happy and not miserable. it makes my jealous side come out full force. its really bad.
i had to go to rehersal tonight, james got to stay home and wrote about our afternoon ordeal. read here
oh yeah, and i left my laundry on the bus to san jose, it might be turned into the lost and found in santa cruz, but i won't find out til monday cause they're closed on weekend. so i may get to be greeted with a bag of dirty laundry. twould be nice if they washed dried and folded them for me. but i doubt thats going to happen. would be nice tho.
oh yeah, and i went to san jose without meds. and then left my watch in san jose.
but woolf opened tonight, there was a party at paul's house, got to hang out and smooze with all them theatre people. intern gossip. bitching about the theatre world. etc. fun night. get home our front door is wide open. i don't doubt james just forgot it was open and went to sleep, but i kinda had to turn on all the lights and make sure no racoons or anything had invaded our house in the meantime. oh yes, and read james' ingrown nipple hair story. theres a mental image that won't be going away any time soon.
why is being responsible so difficult. everyone wants your money. you have to pay for all kinds of things. half the time you don't know what you're paying for. you do things you want to do but don't get paid for it. crazy i tell you.
