Heals The Original Dryness: 03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
3.30.2003
i lead such a pathetic existance
no i don't. but i need to say that every once in a while. parker posey's character in "personal velocity" was a bit too much like me. it was kinda frightening. esp seeing how i was watching this movie like... 2 hours after benn had left for so cal. like, "hey aileen, remember reality?" and it was all i could do to yell "fuck you" back. *sighs, burys self in music*
i've decided that early stephen schwartz is good stuff. i am enjoying pippin right now. i really need to get a copy of godspell now. another huge broadway musical which i should have memorized but don't. i'm so ashamed. pippin=good stuff.
going to castilleja these days is such a trip. it's so happy! like everyone is happy to see me and like it's amazement hugs every which way and it's so fun and exciting. that and today was really nice and sunny and pretty windy so benn and i just hung out on the deck like area at the tables and watched the 6th graders do their greek day sports stuff. they're so tiny. it was so wonderful. and all my sixth graders are 8th graders now, which is far too weird for its own good. one of my TA-ees from when i did 6th grade dance stuff. i didn't think i knew her but then she said i TA-ed her in 6th grade for dance and i kinda squinted and said "yeah.. i guess i did." chelsea is still a cutie, which was exciting. it took a while for one of the other girls who took the train my senior year to recognize me. it was so cute. i didn't get to see what this other girl who took the train has turned into. apparently she's still a skanky little rich girl. it's one of those cultural experiences of castilleja. that there are girls like that there. and apparently they don't really change, and thats rather sad, so we just sit and gawk like seeing someone shoot up heroin in public.
note: san jose smells good. this might simply be because i don't get to smell san jose as much as i used to so now it's just all nostalga, but i think it has to do more with the fact that it is FUCKING SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i believe thats the technical name too.) and the flowers are out and its sunny and theres a breeze, but it's not too cold, and i'm getting sun and it almost feels like summer and i LOVE summer and i have so many happy memorys of summer at my house. for some reason fourth of july is always the first one to pop to mind when the smell of my front yard hits me, but thats probably cause its the few times i actually would get to stand and revel in the lovely-ness. all other times i was pretty much trying to get some where or something like that. yeah. man o man, i just need a lawn chair and just sit and smell the fresia and everything (fresia (sp?) the only one of the flowery plants i know the name of. one of the bush plants we got that has flowers on it right now we have in santa cruz too. it smells like childhood)
i really hate this house benn is living in, but man, oh man, do i love benn :)
we're gonna have chili's and watch a movie now. and tomorrow we're going to la to see reg and alex and have sushi, then we pick up ellie and jon from the airport and continue our fun filled weekend. oscars sunday. yelling at the tv screen will ensue.
james: "so you're leaving at noon"
me: "i dunno"
charles, turning away from his cell phone for a sec: "aileen! we're leaving at noon"
me: ".....ok....."
turning back to james: "i guess we're leaving at noon"
also:
charles speculating: "do you think peeps come from cadbury eggs?"
my body was totally screaming at me yesterday. it was like "what the fuck are you doing??? oh man, i hate you" and i was like "i hate you too"
stupid... essential... bodily... needs...
i did sleep last night tho. when at 7 pm i was seriously wanting to physically harm myself, i decided i needed to curl up under my sheets instead. and its starting to sound really nice again. *sigh*
ooo! yay! i can see it better right now. it looks really really cool, cause the sun's about to come up so the sky is turning a lighter shade of blue. and since the moon is fairly close to the horizon it's got a yellowish glow to it. constrasting colors. very pretty.
doh! now its gone and gotten covered by a cloud :(
6 hours till the paper is due, and i finally have an opening paragraph that works. go me! now i need to figure out the rest of the paper... don't worry, it's all there, its just in chaos and not... as nice as my opening paragraph. oh! and better still, i have some leftover trimmings that will work beautifully for my conclusion paragraph. doncha love it? if it doesn't fit into your introduction.. put it in the conclusion. oh adventures in writing a frikken huge paper...
there must be some kind of way out of here nothing like about 7 papers due tomorrow to make you want to clean your entire house. but i didn't. i just emptied the dishwasher and cleaned the sink and the toilet a bit. i wanted to sweep and swiffer but i didn't. oh the temptation tho... *sigh*
all along the watchtower...
eee! its a movie about a family, played by a family. exept instead of catherine zeta jones they have bernedette peters and they've thrown in a culkin for good luck. that just makes me happy! cause it looks like it was a happy process. and that makes me happy.
i should someday write a poem about being online late at night. its very poetic. but i can;t tonight. cause i need to read a play and take a final tomorrow. fuck.
dude, my gunn friends have totally died with regard to updating their webpages. stupid people being all "busy" with a "show". *gives them a hard time* (i'm getting lazy in my old age. "you're not old." shut up i was using an expression. and i'm older than them. so ha.)
yay! benn's page is up and running! so now everybody has good reason to click on the link for "my benn" :D
plus monkeydojo.com, otherwise known as "the dojo", looks really cool anyway. everyone check it out and go "ooo.. aah... your boyfriend's so neato, aileen. i wanna be just like him when i grow up" and i'll say "yeah"
on this night of a thousand stars
let me take you to heaven's doors
i for some reason have that stuck in my head right now. and now i'll get it stuck in my head whenever i visit my own page. which i do a lot cause i don't have a favorites list, i just go to my page and hop thru links.
i've really never noticed that i get a great sunset thru the window in my room. mostly cause i'm either not home when this occurs or *hangs head in shame* i'm just getting up. usually from a nap but sadly on saturday that was the first time i was getting up that day. it felt really good tho. i really did need to just sleep all day. wasn't very good for my homework or going-to-see-my-friend's-talent-show situation, but my right, lower eyelid wasn't twitching anymore like it was all day friday.
pretty sunset. distracting me from my 10 page paper. little moments of zen. followed by stress.
these boots are made for walkin'
and thats just what they'll do...
benn and i have almost-broken-up twice in the last week. that can't be good. but at the same time it almost feels healthy... in a sick and twisted way... cause we'll talk about it, and we'll fear it, and we'll wonder and think about it, but when it gets to that point where you lose your balance and slip off the cliff and start plummeting towards your doom some simple words rise up from that anatomically ambiguous place we call the gut and float to your head: "i don't want this... i don't want this to happen..."
and then a minute later we're not falling, the edge of the cliff is still there, but we're not teetering on the edge, nor are we thinking of treading the dangerous ground. but we were just a minute ago... so what do we do now? we're not rushing down to the wounded body at the bottom of the cliff, going 'oh god, please don't leave me' or rushing anything to a hospital where it shall take days to recover... we're back... kinda where we left off... but not.. but how..what..what do we do now?
we sleep
(and tomorrow we tell a certain other person "sorry. is not gonna happen. i must ask you to fuck off"
...but of course not in those words :)
this is made in england, so when they say liberatarian they mean LIBERATARIAN, not the american liberatarian party that adopted the word for themselves and kinda currupted the meaning because they're so right wing. anyway, its really interesting and really a good way of thinking about politics, cause it really is a combination of social and economic opinions which are not inherantly the same thing.
y'know, i really miss castilleja sometimes. mostly the people. and the whole walking over to paly afterwards. yeah. that was fun. i wonder who reads this these days. aw hell, ROLL CALL! good a time as any to mention i have a new email address. and it is a lonely mailbox. so we are sending it out into the world for people to get to know. so everybody, this is my yahoo account. yahoo account, this is everybody.
joe has been asking me a lot recently "whats wrong?" in that "i know something's wrong i'm just wanting to see if you'll tell me" sort of manner. an usually yes, i am feeling meloncholy, but i'll just answer "i don't know", because honestly i have no clear way of describing what is wrong in my head. benn suggested iron deficiency.
in acting class, we were doing a "centers" exercise. center/lead from the eyes. center, lead from the stomach, the genitals, the heart. the heart was interesting. i was walking around with an incredibly pained expression on my face. not pained hurt... well maybe... but it was more saddness. like i dont know what to do with myself.
i hate making definitive decisions. esp the unpredictable outcome kind. fucks with my head i tell you.
i really need sleep. i think the stress i'm not feeling but probably should be with school is coming out in other forms because i'm not acknowledging it. ugh.
