Heals The Original Dryness: 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
9.29.2004
i don't have to take ta-50 this quarter! yay! somehow i had gotten the notion that we needed to take it like 5 times to graduate, but you only need 3, so i can put it off til next quarter! yay! i don't have to overload myself! yay! i can do barnstorm! yay! theres music on this computer! yay! these headphones are comfy too. my nails are really long. hey pretty is a good song :) and i'm a very clever girl, i make boys laugh, even if sometimes i am overwhelming and overdramatic. thats me baby!
there was this kid on the bus. 3 maybe 4 years old. he was totally the embodiment of the kid in "who's afraid of virginia woolf?" golden hair, fleece, so wise, he was totally there! that kid, you could just see that it was going on in there, observing, taking it all in, and his face was so amazingly expressive, i wanted to just watch him. stupid people standing in the way. i want a kid like that. i think i could have a kid like that. i hope i was a kid like that. and his dad or the guy he was with was this total hippie dude. how great would that be, growing up with all this energy awareness and peace and tranquility, meditating... he was probably three or four but he had the awareness of a 9 year old. it was fabulous
NeeliaBuzz: you feel that?
PenguinOzzy: the earthquake?
NeeliaBuzz: wasn't that cool!
PenguinOzzy: not from my room, it was a little freaky
NeeliaBuzz: describe?
PenguinOzzy: the building swaying beneath my feet
PenguinOzzy: freaky
NeeliaBuzz: i was in bed
PenguinOzzy: bet that was fun
NeeliaBuzz: and for a moment i was thinking "what are the people above me doing
PenguinOzzy: I had that same thought, only below me
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: then when i realized it was an earthquake i tried to remember what they taught us in elementary school about this
PenguinOzzy: hide under your desk and cover your head
PenguinOzzy: "duck and cover"
PenguinOzzy: the same advice they gave for a nuculer strike
NeeliaBuzz: duck and cover? get in a doorway? away from windows? i'm in bed... nothing is going to fall on me... window is way over there, doorway woudl require getting up
PenguinOzzy: lol
NeeliaBuzz: i really actually wanted to go look out the window just to make sure that it was actually an earthquake and see what the outside looked like
PenguinOzzy: no different
NeeliaBuzz: theres a swing in the park across from me, that would be fun to be on during an earthquake :-D
PenguinOzzy: lol
NeeliaBuzz: so yeah, after it was over i got up and went to the window and people outside were talking to people coming out of their houses saying "you feel that?" so that was enough proof that it was something
PenguinOzzy: lol, just making sure your not crazy?
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: making sure it wasn't just some really really angry person in my building
PenguinOzzy: I heard kae screaming "oh shit!" then she yelled for me for some reason, like I can stop an earthquake
NeeliaBuzz: lol!
i didn't get into any show. hooray for barnstorm! and for acting studio! i was seriously going to have to make a choice if i got into a show as well as studio 3. anyway.
stupid emotional memory, making going thru my blog backlogs painful. all that love and sentimentality. pouf. vanish ed.
so i finally discovered my blogger profile. according to my sidebar statistics i average 7 posts a week these days (tend to happen when i have no one to talk to and live my life online) and 16 people have viewed my profile, or rather i have had 16 profile views, if that means its been viewed 16 times by individual people or multiple times by some, its hard to say. but lets pretend its 16 people. who are these 16 people? are they all people who know me, or are they just random blogger profile surfers? now i'll never be able to sleep at night...
dude! a) that kid is as old as my sister. b) he was 14 when he was playing an 11 year old. wait no, he was 14 when the first movie came out, he was probably 13 or 12 when they were actually filming that one. ok nevermind...
eeeee! ethan reappeared! oh that makes me so happy. what a day. nutral, down, REALLY down, kinda insane but amusing about it, Happy! yay people. people who are not stupid boys. yay for them. thank god they still exist!
and like clockwork... school approaches, my eyebrows disappear, and my scalp becomes an open wound once more. its because i have nothing to do, except sit and pick at myself.
yeah, i'm doing nothing and i'm so very alone and i don't belong anywhere. i really wish i could be doing something theatre. i'm sitting next to people who are in the thick of it. slightly helping. osmosis :)
i'd like to think that if i had internet i might not be so out of the loop, but thats really hard to say. bleh.
its kind of amazing how many boys i have that i can describe as "old friends. we date occasionally..." i like that :)
j and i attempted to get japanese food last night and failed miserably because the sushi house closed at 8 and we got there after 8. i've been having a japanese food craving for quite some time now. and the sushi house in palo alto is just unparalleled in my mind. i miss it so much! rawr! *pouts*
must go scrounge for food around this house (in san jose. shana tova people)
i think i need a near death experience. i don't want to die... i just need something more tangable than this surreal pile of shit that has been dumped on me. i need a surreal experience that is mine. all mine. i need something else.
i am slowly going crazy, 1 2 3 4 5 6 switch. crazy going slowly am i 6 5 4 3 2 1 switch
anyone remember that song? it was happily in the recesses of my long term memory and now its come out to play. makes me happy.
i had something i was going to blog about when i was at the apartment, but now i cant remember it. i'm just going crazy, and apparently so is james. this is be cause we have no phone, no internet (except library, which you know, i guess its a good idea that your internet be 6 blocks away and you have to be patient for it, sit and read about sondheim in the meantime, socialism at work, sort of, write your name down, honor system. whoever's closest to it acts as moderator, calling out names, its quite fun. sometime i should just come here and be the one to call out the names on the list, and read sondheim analysis)
oh yeah, and the physically ill feeling still comes up *sigh* still surreal, and since theres no one around to distract me, well, its difficult. you know the whole "when it rains it pours" thing with boys. well currently i'm going thru a dry spell. bleh.
soon school shall start, and all shall be... different. a change of pace is whats needed
in other news, my apartment has fleas, i need a monologue for auditions, i'm getting a bed on tuesday, i slept in my own room for the first time this week, i really like our apartment set up, its quite fun not having to walk across the house to talk to james. granted, it was a small house, but still. flea bites are really annoying.
i woke up with a swollen slightly bruised eyelid. i have no idea how it got there. either i punched myself in my sleep or ari was really mad and is getting really fucking powerful. frightening...
whoa, i could hop a 6:30 am flight out of SFO to toronto for only $417. thats really cool. i like that i have that option. that makes me feel a lot better.
i just feel so disgustingly normal right now. the relationship is closed off into this nice neat little package. whole thing didn't last much longer than 3 months, actual relationship part of it didn't even add up to 3 weeks. crazy don't even know what to call it connection, 3 weeks together, summer vacation ruins everything, painful break up. talk, yell and scream about painful break up, work to some kind of understanding, go on with our lives. all our reactions, or at least mine, were pretty much exactly as they were going to be. it fucking sickens me how predictable and normal it was. i'm supposed to avoid this kind of normalcy! but there it is, nice neat little package that has been reproduced a million times and i am no longer special for not experiencing it. and there it shall stand, like a welt in my life, never to go away, and occasionally be refered to as "oh that..." (which i hoped it wouldn't be, but in trying to acknowlege the good times we had i got a "you know i could say things right here that would make you feel a whole lot worse..." leaving it just left to my imagination, which right now, seems like the lesser of two evils, which is kinda sad) the whole thing makes me physically ill
i hate feeling this way, i hate how much i hate him, i hate that it was a disgustingly messy break-up, i hate what he's become, i hate that i was LEFT OUT of the ENTIRE process, only to be brought in at the end before it was over but late enough that i feel like a person on stage saying her lines way too late in the scene while everyone else has moved on, i hate that it feels like he doesn't care, i hate that he's an asshole, i hate that i feel responsible for turning him in to this THING
i feel ill about the whole situation. not just my side and having random visualization flashes in my head that really make me want to try heavy drugs or the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind thing, but i never wanted him to be in that situation. i never want anyone to be in that situation. i've been there, it fucking sucks, it fucking hurts, no ones life should ever be that insane. and its like you fucking ass! you're supposed to be smarter than this! but what can you do?
the other thing that comes up is i can't believe i ever did this to benn
well, never been on this side of things. i guess, combination what goes around comes around/ its going to happen to everyone might as well happen sooner rather than later, at least it happened with a boy who was honest with me about it and told me sooner rather than later. i'll be ok, nothing i can do about it now, just need to be supportive. its also insane cause the rational objective part of my brain would easily say "go for it, dude. bon vouage. happy trails. don't forget to write" but the possesive jealous female part of me is saying "FUCK NO! not on my watch" but that would be completely hypocritical of me, because i've been in his situation and technically we were broken up and i've slept with other people so... i dunno. what ya gonna do?
so, nother thing i hate about moving, having to figure out where everything goes. again. or rather deciding where things go. and there are so many options, and i can't decide. i feel like theres a magical ideal set-up that i am required to find, but i don't know how! i wish i could hire someone else to figure that out. and i don't trust james enough to just leave it to him, cause i know i'll just disagree with it and want to rearrange it and then we'll be back at square one. no, i'll get over it. i think james might have decided where food went last year. so maybe that is the best technique.
i need to get a bed! rawr! and ethan has disappeared off the face of the earth! and i miss talking to him! rawr!
can't sleep and hungry too, a deadly combination. however, solving the hunger problem seems to be shutting up my brain for a minute or two. i'm not sure if i should bless or curse this computer for taking so long to boot up that it makes me lose my train of thought. granted it wasnt the happiest trains of thought, but it was mine none the less and it got to me enough to make me get out of bed and try to purge it from my brain. something about boys *shakes fist at them* just my seeking their approval and admiration and sex and love and what i seem to do to attempt to acheive those. and yet how silly i can be for those same things.
i got up on a chair tonight and declared "i don't understand women's fashion!"
i almost had a boy fall asleep on my shoulder. had i been a bit more bold/open minded/not after his brother, i totally would have tilted it so he could fall asleep completely
i told the story of jacket boy. the begining is good but i kind of lost my train of thought towards the end (mostly cause it was halted for a good half hour or so) i need to rethink how to effectively tell that story. i started out trying to explain why i was going more insane than usual, but trying to end it with how jacket boy got his jacket back made it sort of attempt to jump rails and it wasn't pretty. if i told it and punctuated it more with "but he still did not have his jacket" that could help it flow. like a really strange children's story.
i got back in touch with my middle child-ness/my being the total performer in the family. its in my blood. i love being in the spotlight. theres nothing i can do about it, no denying it, everyone sees it, i just need to harness that in order to beat out the competition.
i don't know what to do with my life, i have too many choices
i don't know what to do with myself, i have too many options
little tiny universes all simultaniously created and destroyed, by the options i have and the choices i make (yes that was an unnessecary comma, but i like it there damn it, i wanted to have a pause)
i don;t know whether i'll be able to talk to ari without seeing him in person...
things i have Not found while cleaning my room:
-pictures from mothman and chautauqua parties. i have found the one with rejects but not the good ones. i have the negatives so if all else fails i can order more prints but still...
damn it, i have so much trouble throwing things away! darin was helping me out and supporting thru my sorting decisions but now he's gone to bed and i dont know what to do! maybe alan will help me. yes, alan can help. if he can't, i'll be back and making lists of things i can't throw away and seeing if writing about them helps at all.
more things i've found in my room:
-heart and chain thing i made al buy for me a year or so ago
-say no to cancer joe shirt (picture of joe camel with a no sign over it. one of those things that i'm never going to wear again but just have to hold on to for sentimental value)
-an outfit i bought in ashland
-two quarters (sweet!)
granted thats mostly from the big duffle bag thats been under my bed all year, but still, fun trips down memory lane
hm... random little power outage there...
i think james has invaded the bathroom, so i can't shower yet. and since i can't shower yet i don't really want to get dressed yet. and i would need to get dressed if we were to go over to our NEW APARTMENT! and take a look at it and talk to the landlord and stuff.
i'm tempted to take a run. for it is 56 degrees outside, and i have bought running shoes that i've been wanting to use for their purpose.
my scalp itches. i didn't sleep much last night. is it thursday already? jebus...
oh and note to self, we know you love self destructive behavior but really, those things will just make you vomit, avoid it, let the curiosity go, you'll get your chance in 3 years or so, for goodness leave it.
why is under pressure such a good song? i'll tell you why. combination freddy mercury and david bowie singing an awesome song that is just everyone's anthem whether they like it or not :P
things i find while cleaning up my room/packing it up because we move quite soon
-my thrive stone
-phone numbers of people from highschool
-at least 2 phone numbers with no name with them. very tempted to call them...
-an "extended pleasure" condom (oh man! that was probably the condom i was freaking out about cause it wasn't in my bag and i didn't remember using it or giving it away! whoa!)
-a ticket stub that proves yes, she was talking about me on her lj (and you know what, she can go fuck herself, crazy bitch)
-a lot of random deoderant
list will probably continue as time goes on. its funny cause since i have several boxes of things that just never got officially unpacked cause i have no storage space here so i'm poking thru them and finding all this random stuff. its quite exciting. maybe in my new place i'll actually unpack those shoe boxes. and put up posters. and have bookcases. oh the possibilities!
twas going to save an im, but then computer shut down because it gets bitchy with itunes, so i would try to recreate it on this but that would just be really lame when all i really want to save is this one insight i had. usually when i sleep with a guy and we proceed to not talk about it afterwards its because we have proceeded to stop talking. except with one guy, my first official theatre arts hook-up. we really never talked about it afterwards, but its not like there was ackwardness (well maybe some inside, for me at least, but thats just to be expected) and it only drove me nuts that we didn't talk about it simply because i need to talk about everything and discuss it to death etc. but no, we simply went about our lives and our relationship as if nothing happened. it was insane! so finally tonight as just a sort of closing thought i mentioned how i thought it was interesting that we never talked about it, and i wasn't sure how much longer i could keep that up :P
alright, so my schedule for next quarter so far:
mon- Understanding Drugs, earth & marine B206, 5:00-6:45
tues- Intro to Comp Sci, Engineering lecture 101, 4:00-5:45
wed- rinse
thur- repeat
i also will have ta-50 mixed in there, or a show if i get in. reminding me i really need to figure out a monologue
