gotta love 'em....
personally, i think that that is one of the best advertisements EVER created. combines eye catching text, food, humor, and a naked woman with her hand on her boob. brilliance i tell you, brilliance.
i'm developing like a fear of my phone. i haven't called... people (real names have been deleted to prevent hard times from being given)... for some odd reason. partly because i'm not sure if they'd be home, partly because i'm not in the mood and partly because i think i have a subconsious fear of racking up my phone bill. its hard to say. anyway, i need to call and figure out stuff soon, but i can't right now because i need to get ready to go to section. rawr.
particle man, particle man
guy the size of a particle man
is he a dot or is he a man?
particle man, particle man
sorry, no deep meaning here. i was meaning to blog something else... might have been about how it was a FUCKING gorgeous day today and after 2 hours online after class i said "fuck it" and took a bus down the the beach where i emersed my feet in the sand and built me a little sand castle and got some kids to help me out :) ballet on the beach
you know, last month when i had no fucking clue when my period was going to come around and i wasn't sure if it was weight loss or other, i occasionally had a terrifying little debate. what if i was pregnant? i'm seriously in no financial or living state to have a baby, but at the same time... i really didn't want to undo something benn and i had created... occasionally the christian retoric of the aborted baby's soul haunting you in hell would pass through my mind. frightening yes, but who the fuck says the government needs to protect my soul from the firey pits of hell? i'm probably already going there for being jewish and for not thinking that andrew loydd webber is the composer of the century. i support the right to choose, but at that moment, when benn checked to see that we were still on the same page with regard to abortion, i was at loss for words. i really wasn't sure what i would have wanted to choose... i seem to be encountering that a lot with my life lately *sigh*
gah! i have some fleck of sand in my eye. itches like hell. rawr
I L OOO V V EEEEE Y Y OOO U U
I L O O V V E Y Y O O U U
I L O O V V EEE Y O O U U
I L O O V V E Y O O U U
I LLLL OOO V EEEEE Y OOO UUU
that took me way to long for something that looks so tacky
-Benn
ok, that doesn't convert to blog as well as one would hope, but i think you guys get the idea. he spelled out I LOVE YOU with the letters that make up each letter.... yyyyyeah (doesn't even bother with syntax on that one). either way, it amuses me to no end :-D
i find the cutest boys *bouncy bouncy*
it is once again a fucking gorgeous day, and really damn warm outside, and i really need to just push myself away from this lap top and go lie on the beach and read a book or something like that :)
wow, it's been a while since i've mentioned i love santa cruz
ok, i don't have my work done but please welcome gwen, adie, and the breast cancer site to my side bar. gwen being our catholic influence at improv ;), and adie being another fuzzy haired wonder of gunn. not quite as fuzzy haired as mallory but still fuzzy. she fences and allowed neil and i to clang fencing swords in public once. i was wearing a skirt. it was much fun :D
now the breast cancer site i think lots of you have heard of but might not have. (....extremely coherant sentence i know. whatever. instructions!) after you click on the breast cancer site clicky thing be sure to scroll down to the bottom of the page and give the rainforest and hungry people some smoochies too :) and click every day! power in numbers! rawr! ... ok i go now
DaveInACar: so what should I make of your recent bloggage?
NeeliaBuzz: ?
NeeliaBuzz: oh! thats just me working on getting over ian
DaveInACar: *nods*
DaveInACar: alrighty
DaveInACar: you ok?
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
DaveInACar: yay!
NeeliaBuzz: i actually had a really really nice weekend with benn
NeeliaBuzz: it was sunny
DaveInACar: *throws smiley fries*
NeeliaBuzz: we went to the beach, rode the sky buckets at the boardwalk, got cotton candy
NeeliaBuzz: played with sand, walked along the water
NeeliaBuzz: it was spectacular
DaveInACar: mmm... bucket...
dave, dave, dave...
so yes, life has been pretty darn happy, the weather is wonderful, i slept muchly today, if i could just get caught up with my work and LIVE with benn, everyhting would be super duper hunky dorey :)
we're moving on. i am not going to have my emotions controled by whether he's online or talking to me or not. i am not going to feel pangs of doubt, or desires to say one last word. i'll see him when i see him. i'll talk to him when i talk to him. but not like this. no more insomnia.
my hand won't hold you down no more
the path is clear to follow through
i stood too long in the way of the door
and now i'm giving up on you...
thats right. we've deleted ian from our buddy list... and dave was joking when he said i needed a 12 step program...
"can we have more light upstage" "no" "why not?" "because we HAVE no lights upstage" "well can we make some?" "no" why not?" "cause there are no DIMMERS to PLUG THEM INTO"
tech. louden nelson community center auditorium. 11 channels, 4 of them focused as specials. a director on CRACK, a stage manager who hasn't done tech stuff, a stoned lighting designer that thinks i'm stupider than he is... stoned... and EVERYONE IS TALKING AT THE SAME TIME!!! *aileen's head gets ready to explode. she distracts herself with a bit of chocolate and lays her head down for a sec* and i have homework...
its only fun to sing along to wild party if you have eye liner :D
god it is such a fucking gorgeous day. i sat out in the sun and looked out at the bay for a while after class. the temperature in the sun was just perfect, and there was a cool breeze, and the air is clear and flowers are blooming everywhere and its just fucking wonderful. those yellow flowers that lined the PE feild in elementary school were starting to poke their heads up and some were in bloom. i picked one. it was happy and nostalgic and smelled wonderful. i'm seriously thinking i should skip section and go to the beach for a bit. but i have a paper thingie to write. hm... maybe i'll just skip it anyway. UCH! I LOVE THE SPRING!
Love ridden I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm
But it will only make me colder when it's over
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore, if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
W00t! i have internet again! i left the little connection thing at benn's house so i was having to satisfy my procrastination needs by playing pinball... beat benn's high score :-D (note from Benn: FINALLY!!!) *aileen waps then kisses benn*
yay! jeeyon and i get to be plaid together. and you know what, i think everyone i know and admire is plaid, even you ingird even tho the test said you were caumofloge ;)
... apparently i threw shit into a fan with regard to the improv team ... and i'm not even there to say, "I'M SORRY YOU GUYS! I WAS HAVING A HARD DAY! I LOVE YOU ALL! IF THIS GROUP IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH OUR GOALS THEN LETS DEAL WITH THEM AS SUCH! DON'T USE ME AS AN EXCUSE! DON'T HATE ME!"
but i wasn't there so i don't even know if thats what needs to be said. hopefully things wont fall apart before i'm done with tech stuff. that would really suck...
... apparently i threw shit into a fan with regard to the improv team ... and i'm not even there to say, "I'M SORRY YOU GUYS! I WAS HAVING A HARD DAY! I LOVE YOU ALL! IF THIS GROUP IS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH OUR GOALS THEN LETS DEAL WITH THEM AS SUCH! DON'T USE ME AS AN EXCUSE! DON'T HATE ME!"
but i wasn't there so i don't even know if thats what needs to be said. hopefully things wont fall apart before i'm done with tech stuff. that would really suck...
ladies and gentlemen, it has been brought to my attention that some of you have a week better known as "ski", so i suggest all of you come to rocky horror picture show because in honor of valendooms day, they are having a lingerie contest, which gave me a wonderful excuse to buy Camouflage stuff, and i got a denim and a sheer corset top and and fishnets and well, splurged basicly. and i know other girls will have totally more fantasic gettups but i want to show mine off at least :D so come! i know a bunch of you haven't in a while! and benn might be able to drive some of you guys if thats a problem. call his cell phone if you need to. anyway! it'll be fun! come! yeah...
i shared hedwig with benn... *smile*
now, we sleep...
and when it's over
we drown ourselves
in the music
push them down
hide them, beat them
with the music of ears
suppressed
to avoid that fear
we do not know...
...we fear ourselves
tell me love isn't true, its just something that we do...
so my violent nature hasn't really died down. i noticed i was really storing it in my jaw this morning. i've been totally clenching it so much recently, its horrible. so anyway, in acting class we presented out sonnets, and tho i had worked with german (pronounced "heir-mahn") on mine the day before and did really well, but i hadn't actually practiced with the sheet (we were supposed to encorperate a sheet somehow into our presentation) and the length of the one i brought with me kinda threw me off, and just nervousness and stuff like that, i don't think i did as well as i could have. then afterwards watching a bunch of other really cool people doing they're stuff, i got other ideas of how i could have done it, to really encorperate an activity and the sheet into it. the teacher seriously didn't tell us what she wanted with the sheet part of it, and she REALLY didn't tell us that we had to do an activity with it, i don't think german did either, so i got a better idea of how to do the whole thing and stuff like that while watching these other AMAZING actors and it just made me completely melt and dave was laughing at me but he was grining like an idiot at the same stuff i was. it was all the couples that were doing those subtle lover things, like lying facing each other with a sheet over them and supporting their head with their arm or they're elbow, or the simple actions that occur during a wedding cerimony, slipping the ring on the finger, the gaze, the unintentional grin, OH! and the best one was these two people doing they're sonnet together as like, forbiden lovers meeting in the rain, and it was just SO damn cute, and they were SO good at it and it was wonderful. for the last 5 lines or so of the sonnet, they were perpetually an inch away from kissing. i drove us NUTS! but it was SO EXCITING! they were so good :D *bounce bounce bounce* so all this excitment just got me worked up even more and i felt like i really needed a punching bag or something to just GET IT ALL OUT. cause tho playing pinball on the computer late at night is fine and dandy, its not quite there as a stress reliever. anyway, i ended up beating up dave with my sheet, much to his dismay... while saying my sonnet... it was great. he is totally what my older brother would be like if i had an older brother :D
i am so fucking pissed off right now, i am seething, snarling, probably twitching.
i just need to get a bull horn and go up to SO many people and say, "YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK YOU TOO!" and then bash them upside the head with my bullhorn and beat them to a bloddy pulp.
rules and facts of aileen (continued... i made a similar list last may... accompanying notes to come):
i am a creature of habit
i am, in many senses, a typical middle child
i work/process/start slower than other people
i am easily distracted...
i'm alot like my mother... and i'm alot like my father...
ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
you fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way...
no one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
and you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
and racing around to come up behind you again...
the first time i really heard these lyrics i realized... that is so me.
i always feel like i've missed the starting gun
JLarson1616: so i went over to aileens to talk about improv, filming, and her love life
bitch mode starting in 3... 2... 1... bryy, why did you feel that you had to come over and retell me everything i know about my own love life? i KNOW i don't know what i want, i KNOW that dumping benn would be bad, i KNOW that i'm a fucking insane capricious bitch, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M DEPRESSED WITH MYSELF??? and WHY would you assume from what you read on this DINKY LITTLE PAGE that you know EVERYTHING thats going on? that you can come over and CRITICIZE me for my choice of words and tell me what i shouldn't have said on this page? MY page, MY space, MY life. this is MY place to put down my thoughts and document my day, and i leave it open for whoever wants to come by and take a look at whats happening because i don't care (and because i'm a huge exebitionist middle child craving attention, but thats a whole nother rant). and no i don't censor myself, but that doesn't mean i write everything that could be written. i can't even figure out half of whats going on in my head, let alone find words for it. i'm simply stating "i don't know what i want" not asking "what do i want?" i'm thinking out loud, trying to work through this whole thing. all i need is an ear and a nod. therapy, not opinions. bitch mode... complete...
sorry for yelling, i'm just really stressed out. and i'm really not yelling at you, i'm just blowing off steam, and kinda sorta using you as an excuse. i really don't need your input about my love life, but it is nice to know that you care and are concerned. i appriciate that.
this soup i bought at one of benn and my post-midnight safeway runs, it looked really good on the label (i'm not going to say what it was for fear of embarassment, but lets just say it seemed like a good idea at the time) it was kinda a beef stew type thing. so i get it here (santa cruz) and i heat it up in the lounge while some people are watching reality bites on their computer, so i sit and eat while they're watching, and you know, it's pretty tasty (the soup, not the movie, but yes the movie is cute) not the best thing i've eaten but its palpable. so then i take it to my room... where theres light... and realize that the concept of "canned steak" should have tipped me off in the first place. they don't cut cow meat for cans the same way they can cut chicken meat. chickens are small. when the meat gets to you in whatever form its made into, you can still usually tell which way the muscle fibers went and make a reasonable guess as to which part of the chicken its from. cows are bigger... and the cuts where you can see the muscle fibers are those that you can buy for 19.95 at sizzler or someplace like that. the canned beef... kinda low on the rung... it's akin to dog food at this point. i think it probably could be interchanged with dog food. it's just ground up reformed chunks of meat that could have come from god knows which part of the animal... and people wonder why some people become vegetarians...
it's my life
and its now or never
and i aint gonna live forever
and i don't want to live but i'm alive that had nothing to do with the rest of the post. it's just what i was singing earlier...
theres no business like show business like no business i know...
light hang today. fun stuff. bann helped, it was wonderful :D
i've kinda been avoiding blogger these last few days. my shit has been so damn complicated, i can barely express it to myself. and i'm so tired and drained by it all that when i get in front of a computer i really don't want to make myself think about it again.
saw movies. gosford park, and count of monte cristo. odd combination i know. they were really good. lovely distractions. more on them later, cause i ran into casti freshmen, wait! they're sophmores now! doh!, at the movie theater and after the movie for no apparent reason the shit of being dumped by ian hit me like a boulder in my stomach. or rather swallowing something dense and the weight of a boulder. oh never mind, it hit me like a 10 ton truck, i'll use the cliche. and every once in a while at unexplained moments, it decided to shift into reverse and run over my remains a couple times. its terrible.
improv is starting to piss me off, esp since i totally missed that we had come to the conclusion that wed and fri were play time and we weren't actually seriously wanting to improv our improv skills and stuff, and theres lil ol me wanting to know if i'm actually good, if i'm doing stuff right, wanting to get some feed back, and trying to imput ideas to make our improv scetches better like maybe remembering that you want to somehow eventually establish a character, relationship, objective, and where you are, emphisis on objective cause that is what can set up a CONFLICT which makes the whole thing INTERESTING and GOOD. i dunno, maybe i just really really want to someday work at comedy sports so i want to know if i'd be able to or not, and the other people in the troupe obviously are not really interesting in maybe trying something at a higher level someday. *sigh*
no, josie, hun, the "super" part is denotates with the symbol the MS is in the super man logo sign thing thats all diamond shaped and stuff (god, i'm coherant) and then the Ms. is inside it. it's like if you were Super Dan-o, the letters inside wouldn't say SD, it would just be D. same thing with super ms. (maybe you should pin a fabric dot after the S so its more obviously the Ms. abreviation)
as for 70's clothing, you can get that funk multi colored shirt in dad's closet, bell bottom pants, and a headband or tie around your forehead like richie tenenbaum has when he has long hair. and if you can find gradient shaded glasses (i think we have a pair SOMEWHERE in the house, i remember there being them somewhere) those are totally 70's as well.
ah shit! i jsut lost the blog i was working on! *sigh* i hate it when that happens. grr... will recreate... grumble grumble...
btw josie, the MS shirt stands for "super ms." (70's feminist stuff. our mom, who knew). it's such a wonderfully simple explination that i think you would get about a million "oh!"s, with that sort of inhale and tipping back of the head as they perverbially slap themselves. i think it would be fun. you could totally break out all the 70's clothing thats around the house and be a super feminist. ooo that would be fun. (btw, which short short black dress is this. the sparkly one with the 80's jacket that nora got when she was 13 or something? and tho i would call that one a 'party dress', the term you were looking for for what i would call a short short dress was 'clubbing dress')
ian used speed stick fresh scent... the same kind jonathan used... they have the same kind of smell... can we say disconcerting... *sigh* i miss benn.
*is attempting to download lime wire. installshield being stupid. >:( snarls at computer* i had songs stuck in my head that i really wanted to down load. no one's online that would have them. i should really do work or take a shower or something cause my scalp itches. *sigh* tuesdays are so long...
i pulled out all my eyebrows. we're starting over here.
in the middle of it i realizes i was singing songs from ruthless (a very fast paced and silly show) and realized how oddly cathardic that was. it wasn't pink floyd, it was ruthless. i'm so odd. i really really need more medication that what i'm taking. i'm not finishing my work, i'm scratching at my scalp, and i now have no eyebrows. at all. none what so ever. i would have waxed them if i actually had wax around but i don't and i didn't feel like asking and explaining the whole thing to the girls down the hall who probably would have waxing kits of sorts.
i'm so fucked up right now. i wish i weren't so fucked up right now.
cranberry juice, reeeeeeeeaaaaaally good sex, lying flopped on benn's bed completely relaxed, hot bath, washing my hair, benn combing my hair, glass of white wine, reading on belize, towel wrapped around my head, falling asleep...
i'm so in love... stupid midterm and medications needing refills infringing on my eutopia...
ok, run down of weekend so far. improv fun, storyboarding time-consuming, pizza yummy, 'american sweethearts' cute, benn soft and wonderful, extra long twin beds evil, subconcious very angry (i was beating people up and everyone was trying to molest me and walking and moving my legs was very difficult as it tends to be in my dreams when i'm trying to walk or run), walnut ave breakfast yummy, traffic on 17, san jose library (there are now officially no more books on belize in that library until sunday when the other people who checked out books return them), empty house fun, bumping head on stairs (don't ask) pain, Set with benn and josie entertaining, kiwi yummy, toast yummy, evita fun and interesting, sound design or actors enunciation crappy, rocky horror too enticing for its own good, 3 am runs to safeway fun, benn's bed comfy comfy, waking up before noon difficult (very)
please tell me the fomf team will be posting the answers and which ones they got on the castilleja website at the end of the weekend. i have to know. *sigh* ah memories. have fun you guys :)
i brought my comforter quilt from home to college. i woke up this morning (ok, afternoon... around 3...) to foot steps up and down the hall and i really felt like i was at my house, and i was going to open my eyes and see my room and then go down stairs and join my dad for breakfast while sitting in bathrobes. i think this tells you how much time i spend in my dorm sleeping alone. if theres no warm body next to me, i assume i'm in my room at home.
hm... home... interesting, strangly relative in a way i thought it never would be. i always say "i went home this weekend" when i spend the weekend at benn's, cuase well, palo alto is closer to san jose than santa cruz so yes, i guess that could be considered going home. but then people ask "oh, where do you live?" and i want to say "san jose" but i really don't live in san jose anymore, i spend way more time in palo alto, but i don't actually live in palo alto, tho i could spend every weekend comfortably there, and went to school there, and most of my friends live up there.... and then here at santa cruz, i feel much more "at home" over at porter and with the people there, and when ever i have free time i have an urge to go over there and see what people are doing, and there have been days where i have completely neglected my room here at cowell... i wish it were next year and we were all living in a house together... that would be a wonderful home...
