Heals The Original Dryness: 02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
2.27.2003
excerpts of the excerpts ala jonathan. i haven't done an email quiz in a while, usually i just don't have time for such things
-What does your name mean?
aileen is the irish equivalent of "helen"... uh... not sure what helen means... but i'm the irish version
-Does it fit?
well, the most significant "meaning" of helen for me is the reference to helen of troy. and tho my face has not launched a thousand ships, i have been called a whore. and i've also been called cute by many a person... thats probably more appropriate... (or as a different part of me would say, "i could launch a thousand ships...")
-Sum up your current/most recent significant other in twenty words or less.
wonderful wonderful wonderful wonderful (ok, so thats technically 1 word repeated 4 times but its the first thing that comes to mind and then i can't think anymore cause i'm just reveling in how incredibly wonderful he is)
-Favorite punctuation mark?
the question mark. its so fun to write. i always feel very artistic whenever i write a question mark. esp a large one. kinda helps calm the fact that you don't understand the thing that you're writing the question mark next to
nothing like a costco danish to give you such a sugar high that your body just bypasses the whole hyper-jumping-around-talking-fast stage and just lets your heart work overtime like a hummingbird on speed.
friday: my body had no idea what time it was
saturday: i think it was pretty on track with the whole "chicago time" thing
sunday: my body had no idea what time it was
damn it! we're basically out of laundry detergent and i didn't know! i just used a whole lot on a big load, and i still have a load of darks to go. gah!
after reading people's blogs:
i don't really have many metaphorical instances in my life. i just have shitty straight forward moments that make me question my life and existance. which is really a shame. i seem to be missing out on a lot of beauty.
its also the fact that i'm extra bad with birthdays. one of my biggest fears with having kids, is having to do their birthdays. that and this is yet another occasion where things didn't go as well as they could have because james and i don't have as good a communication as we think we do. which really sucks. cause it usually results in james being left in the cold. which is really bad. and i usually feel really bad. but by the time i feel really bad theres nothing i can do about it! which really sucks! cause theres really no way to fix things or make it up to him or something like that so i just end up feeling shitty and stuff. ugh.
damn it! damnitalltobloodyhell! rawr!
an i really shouldn't be taking this so personally, i just... RAWR! *furrows brow and hides* *but first screams and runs around*
NeeliaBuzz: when did we get into a tiff on valentines day?
NeeliaBuzz: was this that week of starmites rehersal that you were going to give me animal related presents everyday that week
NeeliaBuzz: but the first day i was haveing such a bad day i threw your present back at you
NeeliaBuzz: that had nothing to do with valentines day
CornTOWM: no
CornTOWM: it was a very minor tiff
CornTOWM: because there was some form of miscommunication
NeeliaBuzz: i really don't remeber what it was
CornTOWM: about how much valentine's day we were going to celebrate
NeeliaBuzz: ??
CornTOWM: and you ended up getting me candy and being kinda miffed that i didn't get you anything
NeeliaBuzz: what?
CornTOWM: or that i gave some candy to someone else instead.
CornTOWM: okay, this happened. i'm not going crazy.
NeeliaBuzz: oh! i got you like a peice of chocolate didn't i!
CornTOWM: yes
NeeliaBuzz: and you hadn't gotten me anythng
CornTOWM: exactly
NeeliaBuzz: cause you thought i didn't care
CornTOWM: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: but i thought you were going to be spontaniously romantic
CornTOWM: because i had gotten that impression from the way you talked about it
NeeliaBuzz: oh ok
NeeliaBuzz: *HUG*
CornTOWM: *hug*
NeeliaBuzz: we could've gotten into a tiff at any time
CornTOWM: heh
CornTOWM: anyway, but i'm rather proud of my rant about why valentine's day is good
NeeliaBuzz: if its any consolodation to you, i don't remember valentines day with you as being a bad day
CornTOWM: i don't either. i was just remembering what bad things had happened on valentine's day to prove my point
NeeliaBuzz: :-P
NeeliaBuzz: silly you
CornTOWM: heh
NeeliaBuzz: you should at least say "year before that, yes i ha a girfriend but we got into a miscommunication about how much we were going to celebrate the holiday and she ended up a little tiffed"
NeeliaBuzz: "but nothing more than any other random day tiff"
NeeliaBuzz: "we got into many tiffs"
NeeliaBuzz: etc etc
CornTOWM: yeah... 'cept it's too late for me to edit the post. you can comment if you want with the correction.
NeeliaBuzz: can i just post this entire conversation?
btw, lots and lots of kisses to benn for putting back up my pictures. we once again have our dash of blue :D
i've gotten back to listening to musicals. i havne't in a while. mostly cause for a good amount of time i was a) too lazy to put in my cd rom drive on my laptop cause it would just fall out when i'd pick up the computer and b) the speakers were crap on the laptop. but now that we have a desktop and no benn with macs with lots an lots of readily available non-showtunes music, we are back to playing my sondheim collection for entertainment. an you know, to drown out the depressed, criticizing, "what the fuck am i going to do with my life" voice that is constantly in the back of my head. now we have "merrily we roll along" back there instead :)
ok, i think i am almost officially a nocturn. only thing i can think of that sets me back is that i don't go out and feed on flesh of the living.
i couldn't sleep last night. not for any particularly mood altering reason, i just wasn't tired and i kept finding random things to do. found a place in sb to take benn to to do stuff. it's a suprise. i'll tell y'all later. i educated myself on the many designs of zippos. read comics, king lear, and a bit of logic homework... and then proceeded to pretty much sleep all day...
i was going to go to the town hall meeting for theatre arts and try to find out why we don't o more musicals and if we can ally with the music department and do more musicals, but alas i lay down for a bit of sleep at 6:30-ish (the sight of dawn usually makes sleep hit me after an all nighter) and wake up at 11. town hall meeting was at 10. i get up, i do stuff, back starts hurting, lie down, wake up around 6:30 pm as the sun's going down...
i'm not very colloquial right now. its really bad. i'll get perfectly wonderful setups for a joke and then fail miserably. luckily this is just a failure at putting witty comments on jonathan's comment system. trying to make a joke of the jewish ex-girlfriend acting like a jewish mother and how thats just wrong on so many levels. but its hard to convey "being a jewish mother" over the internet without basically ruining the punchline.
i have such terrible timing when i'm TRYING to play a joke on someone. whats the deal with that? its probably why i'm so honest, cause i'm so terrible at lying. roberts comment was "for an actress, you really suck at lying." i take the line some comedian said "i'm like a chef i don't cook at home"
benn got drunk in la. i did not get drunk over at the cast party. cast party got broken up by the cops. i have no idea what the results of benn party were, but some how i don't picture him going to parties that would get broken up by the cops
then again i dont picture me going to parties like that either...
being sick... because of a lack of drugs... is a very interesting things
cause like you can't really explain it to people. when someone says "you alright?" it's very hard to just say "yes, i'm just sick because i haven't had my anti-depressant medications in like a week" without it turning into a long discussion about your personal problems or their history with mental disorders or a debate on drugs vs getting over problems naturally. so i try just saying "i'm just kinda sick" but then they say "aw! get some sleep! feel better!" an you just want to scream " I WOULD BUT IT'S NOT UNDER MY CONTROL LIKE THAT! I HAVE TO WAIT FOR STUPID KIASER TO SEND ME MEDICATION THAT I ASKED THEM TO SEND ME LIKE A WEEK AGO! I AM SLEEPING! IT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL I DO! AND IT DOESN'T FUCKING HELP! I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT!"
so my not having my luvox for like 5 days is finally caught up to me. dizzy, headache, occasional nausea (esp after carbonated beverages for some reason), tiredness, general "i am so out of it"-ness. which of course is not condusive to a paper. or keeping one's balance or standing up for that matter.
and the worse thing is that i have no idea how to FIX IT
i don't know if i WANT to fix it. but i HAVE to fix it. it's not right to leave things in the muck. no one deserves that. what the fuck. what. the. fuck.
such tangled lives we weave and i don't know what to do about it
life is too complicated and i can't please everyone and i'm a control freak and all i want is for benn to be here to hold me and tel me everythings all right and that i don;t have to worry and i can fall asleep in his arms and not feel lonely all the time and then fuck up everyone elses lives. gad damn it!
plus i'm going to have an 8 am class next quarter. never, ever, ever fun.
