when it rains it fucking pours! and i'm not saying that cause its actually raining outside. 3 boys? 4 boys? and i'm somehow going to fuck it up so i am left with none and another dry spell, which i will try to make go away but be systamatically rejected and scare off other potentials and then when i'm not trying, another FIVE will show up all at once and i'll once again be in this "holy shit where did you come from, where were YOU a month ago, and can i save YOU for a few weeks from now?"
why is it only NONE or TOO MANY?
alright right now, i have (i'm just going to use first letters) J who is a bigger whore than i am, my friend S has told me many a time not to become attached to him cause thats just a bad idea. we seem to be getting along really well as friends, i sleep over in his room a lot, he is attracted to me, and apparently i satisfy a lot of the things on his list of qualities he wants in a girlfriend (granted a lot of those qualities only come out around him cause he brings out my more crazy side cause i'm a total "when in rome..." social type) and he is frustrated with himself for not being as attracted to me as he feels he ought to be. it was the most bizarre but kinda flattering compliment i've gotten in a while. and as i've said before he's a whore so i can really make no claim on him, but on the other hand that means he'd make no claim on me so i could find some other casual boy who doesn't mind sharing but is slightly more available to balance. in my dreams.
fight partner. i met him after a performance of space pandas and i was struck by how much he looked like tomas, but shorter and cuter and waaay blonder. sort of crossed paths with him later that night and totally was tempted to go up to him and plant a big old wet kiss on him, but didn't. samuel thought i really should have. i should have. maybe if i were more drunk or something. anyway, he ends up being in my stage combat class where once again i go "holy shit that boy is cute". ask him out casually, he ends up having a girlfriend. danced with him a bunch at sexcapades, didn't make out with him tho. and he's seen me randomly make out with like 5 guys. so he knows its a trait of mine and i wonder if he thinks i don't do it to him cause i like him or if he realizes its cause i respect him and we have a class together and i don't want to make things weird before the end of the quarter. esp since i'm fighting him for the skills test. oh man, but so many people know i have this crush on him. its funny. i think he knows it too. our personalities are way different tho. in general he's got a bit more of a shell that he retreats to more often, and i do get him out of it occasionally but my "hey want to see this play or movie?" have all failed rather miserably. so its really hard to say. outside of stage combat its quite obvious we wouldnt work, but then he's so wonderful in class and so much fun and sexy and smells good (well at least this one time when i was leaning on him) anyway, pretty sure that would never happen. but he's still like one of the guys that i am most physically attracted to right now.
B. the guy right now who i am probably most compatable with personality wise. i have no idea if he's really ATTRACTED to me but he does tell me he thinks i'm awesome and he even captioned a picture of us at barnstorm with me as "the coolest!!!" but he's a freshman and so innocent and clueless and adorable. so on one hand i totally want to currupt him, but on the other hand i don't want to scare him off, which i think is the more likely thing to happen. but yeah, he's a sweetie, but i'm not THAT physically attracted to him, and he's kinda dumb sometimes in some areas. and its cute in that oh goodie i get to teach you now, but i think i need a smarter person, at least have MORE of our knowledge realms overlap and stuff. *sigh* not going to die alone, just need to find one. thats all.
then theres M. he's cute, he's awesome, he's a theatre boy, absolute genious. but he smokes. but he's now 21, so i can go to bars with him. big plus there. we'll see, he's told me to give him a call sometime, so one of these days, we'll see. definate chemistry there, would be fun to see where it goes. but he smokes. *sigh*
life is so frustrating sometimes...
