Heals The Original Dryness: 09/01/2001 - 10/01/2001
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
9.30.2001
i could make you happy
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do...
tell the truth i prefer the worst in you
to bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it
but you're perfect together
so, FUCK YOU
and your untouchable face
and FUCK YOU
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vieing for your touch
yeah who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much
(mostly in reference to neil, who is once again being a horrible teasing impossible to ever actually get BASTARD, which is why i'm obsessed with him, but typing the lyrics i could see it being in reference to other people and other situations. i feel like this a lot... i love you all tho. i really do. *hugs everyone*)
you know that sticky glue stuff that attaches free samples of stuff to the insides of cards? i love that stuff. it's like a combination glue and tape. sticks to stuff like tape, but they probably put it on like glue. it just looks like it would start out in liguid form. who invented this stuff? i wonder if they made a fortune on this, or if they make lots and lots of sticky stuffs... i'd actually probably hate to have that job... *shrug*
or on the other hand i could just stay up all night tonight so tomorrow i'm a lovely little ZOMBIE and then go to the concert and stare at the wall out of sheer exaustion. drugs without the drugs :)
this would really be an excellent time to read dostoyevsky... damn it, i only have notes from the underground. *grumbles and goes off to do english homework*
well, in case you haven't noticed dear, that was exactly my insinct.
and i'm starting to re-think the whole coming home this weekend to see olympic year and play at laserquest, because i can just feel myself thinking bad thoughts that would just thicken the plots of this lovely soap opera. maybe if i came to the concert stoned i'd be so out of it i wouldn't have any desire to do anything but sit and listen to the music, occasionally bobbing my head. and then sunday... just play laserquest... yeah...
this would all be much easier if there were some sort of bank that you could leave your hormones in... it'd be a bloody rich bank.
*very new york grandmother voice* i got such a deal on chicken soup. two for a dollar, can you beleive it? fifty cents each. thats less than you pay for a bag of chips these days. i stocked up. such a deal.
so yes, that was the highlight of my day. that and seeing tom while i was waiting for a bus... he said my note was very sweet. that made me happy. :) *goes and eats soup*
i didn't break up via websites, so i'm not going to justify/explain/etc. via websites.
i really would just throw my online connection out the window if i didn't still have a nagging desire to go to the olympic year, kgb show this saturday, and i still need to communicate with people and figure out whats going to happen. a bunch of my nuetral friends are going to mackenzie's party, so unless i kidnap them, i might just go in disguise. i like the music... that's all it should be about... yet it's not... *goes and thumps head against wall. realizes she has class. stops. leaves mumbling something about 'fucking teen angst drama shit taking over the world'*
i love you all. i really do. i'll be here. just not there.
i ended up going to bed at about quarter to three last night. almost by accident. i was just explaing the fucked up shit that is my life right nowto this guy and this other girl, and i didn't even have to go into the emotional details behind everything, just the fucking ARRANGMENT of people was enough for them to say, "wow, thats some fucked up shit. get the fuck out of there man" which was exactly what i was thinking. it was a good sign that i might actually be thinking rationally.
then we went over to his room to see his other art work and ended up talking at his door for about a half hour. the other girl was listneing to some of his music and had me tell her she had to go after one last song. "sure, i can do that" "thanks! you're so nice." then i stayed and talked to the guy for a bit, he had where the wild things are hand puppets that he couldn't fit his hand into because he has big hands, so i played with them for a while for him and talked about my qualms of having to make chain mail bracletes for people that probably had bigger hands than me, so i brought him up stairs to see the chain mail, and that lead to some really long conversation that got into the movie the graduate, so i played him the dustin hoffman forbidden broadway song, and just like shaking hands to say good night turned into this whole conversation. just sharing the interesting stories of our lives before college and stuff. we were both interested in talking and hearing stories. and this whole probably hour or so was all done just sort of perched on the edge of something. we weren't sitting and talking, we were standing in door ways. it was really interesting, but really fun too. i like college :)
well, seeing how i slept through my class this morning (set alarm, woke up, stretched and turned for about 5 minutes, woke back up an hour later) and stayed in bed till about FOUR, only to get out of bed because i had to pee, i guess i'll stay fasting and go to services tonight. (*sings* tradition! tradition!) i very much could go get food and come back and sleep or go out or something, i don't know. but i feel like i can't just break holy traditions this easily. so i have spent time in meditation today, i'll go do it the traditional way tonight. helps me feel less guilty about missing services last night and missing class this morning.
i'm in such a different world. i forgot about yom kippur.
not just that, when i saw the services going on in the dining hall, i went to the improv auditions anyway. i'm probably going to go to class and then downtown to get the core course reader and more miso soup and bobby pins from longs.
i'm a pagan hippy here...
the thing is, i'm not sure if i feel guilty or not.
i felt guilty for a little but with me, i'm living in the moment and i didn't dewl on it much cause it was auditons for the improve team. we played slow-mo-samuri to frank sinatra music, worst dating video (hallo. i'm looking for a man who's more interested in me... than his sheep), freeze tag, king's right hand subject (kinda like get off the bench, but instead of push pull. i made him the infomertial offer of a juicer. i seemed to sway towards a southern accent in that game), 1minute/30sec/10sec fairy tales (we did sleeping beauty. "i'm evil! touch this bitch!"), advice dispensing guru ("bud or miller?") and a couple others they called up people to participate in (scene styles, and stunt double. fun stuff.) theatre high!!!!! bryy and i got food afterwards. i had a blt. i'm so not an active jewish person....*sigh*
ok, EVERYONE would love santa cruz. no matter WHAT weather you like, we got it ALL. coupled with redwood trees, a view of the ocean, clear and happy air, and travelling accordion players that for lack of booze, get their audience in the right mode to sing a drinking song by having them spin around looking up at their fingers held in the air. you can't get that anywhere else man! (yeah, you probably can, but you WON'T! HA!)
and there are DEER! all over the place! (bryy's contribution)
nora's housemate is in the intro to design class i'm taking and that she's TA-ing. i told him about the sky... "you're so excitable..." i really am. i love it here.
i just spent the last hour or something being a giddy little girl with the people across the hall. we made a list of hot celebrities we'd sleep with, and watched top gun, and giggled and were silly, and i kept curling up and giggling with delight when i'd mention tom, and it amused them to see that. i was bouncing around much. i locked myself out of my room again. the door stop thing slipped. it was bad. and then the ra's were no where to be found! i was running all over the place! and they weren't there!
it is amazing that gravity still manages to keep a hold on me *bounces around*
it was raining in palo alto as well. i call neil, because it's neil weather. he was highly under appriciative of the santa cruz wonderfulness that is the wondefulness of santa cruz. yes, meanwhile in santa cruz... THE EXACT SAME THING WAS HAPPENING with many more perks and benefits of intellectual and visual stimulation (i went to a seminar thing on gender roles in sex and how they contribute to incidents of rape because of assuptions about women and sex. i am DAMN healthy, it made me feel really good about myself :D and about 3/4 through it, the naked people parading and frolicking in honor of first rain came and passed the dining hall building. and like there was this FLOOD of people going out to watch. she stopped the movie and said "go ahead and go watch. but promise you'll come back!" and we did. it was exciting. i am so doing that next year! my friend patrick said he very much saw me as one who'd be participating in that. i really would be! i was so jumping and bouncing this evening. it was so amazing)
i liked the sky this evening. it was really really exciting and wonderful. i went down to the feild to chase people playing frisby, and the air was so fucking clear, and sky so complex, there was a sunset on one side with such disitinct clouds it didn't seem like you were looking at something far away. and the rain clouds forming on the other side were so amazing to look at, just with their shape and the design that the lines their edges formed made. and the veiw of the bay! which is just so wonderful on it's own when the sky is clear, but with so much happening! you could see the rain! you looked out and you saw the area in the bay that had a cloud burst! it was so amazing! i just stood there grinning and taking it all in! i wanted a camera so i could capture the incredible art and beauty that was the sky. it wasn't just a sunset. it was AMAZING! i have never had an experience with nature quite like that...
OH MY GOD!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
not just rain! it's been a THUNDER STORM! IT'S SO COOL! I'm SO excited, I LOVE IT HERE!
professor: isn't it amazing when someone sits and listens to you? and when you can sit and listen and absorb? just listening, or being listened to? (not exactly what she said, but thats the gist)
me: yeah, just the other day i was on a bus and i ended up talking to the guy next to me, and he just LISTENED, SO WELL!!
of course, i ended up SLEEPING with the guy, but i decided not to bring that part up. beth ann was smirking. it was amusing.
so... can anyone guess whats the best way to get into aileen's pants?? thats right! mango sorbet! ...wait, what were you thinking?
ah, such is college when you can listen to music coming through your window from some other dorm... i love it here... *feels glowy and happy*
you know what i did today? i woke up, ate food, worked on the computer for a bit, went to class, saw bryy, ate food, worked on the computer for a bit, went to class (got there late cause i was half assed proofreading my paper that i managed to get somewhat done. not perfect, but good), will probably go eat food and come back and read on the computer for a bit :)
i took a long yummy hot shower tonight. i painted my nails, and sat in front of the tv for an hour.
and then... i realized i had managed to lock myself out... and the ra's were all at the bonfire i decided not to go to... and there i was in a bathrobe... and nothing else...
my feet got cold.
finally one of the ra's showed up and i got my keys. then a couple people came in and wanted to watch their movie, so i let them, and i went and got my laptop... and locked myself out of my room once more... but this time i had a tank top and underwear on :)
gungh... i don't know why i'm so fucking manic depressive here...
patrick and robb need to switch rooms, so that way i can knock on patricks door and not have to worry about 3 other scary crazy guys being there, and i can get someone one floor above me who actually listens to me and might understand what i'm talking about... and who doesn't smell of cigarette smoke...
fuck this... i shouldn't have gone to dinner, i've lost my writing groove now... shit... RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR!!! *aileen runs about screaming for a while. gets tired. goes to sleep*
neil makes me giddy. i need that boy around more often.
all my peeps went off to a bonfire on the beach. i didn't follow. i'm going to sit and write about my self in great detail for my core corse teacher. i miss people tho. i'm having a low self esteem time. i went to dinner around 6. people kept leaving me. it was really depressing. the food was good tho.
word of advice: a burnt tounge and rasberry pie don't mix.
they might come attack me like rabid monkeys when they get back. i'm not sure if they took that request seriously or not. i should really try to get closer with that group. they're such wonderful people. i'm so out of the loop.
i think i'll go take a long hot shower.... that'd be really nice... *smile*
my mom called this morning. kc's dying. they're putting him down tonight. i could go into gruesome details about the tumor, but i won't.
black likes the way that you look tonight, elegant sleek and cool. black likes the way that you shake the mood, so beautiful but watch it. a panthers trapped inside. tell me, who rolls your ciggarettes and keeps you satisfied....
i basicly have to decide whether i want to do what i want, or think outside this happy little box and do what he wants...
i'm tired i can't think right now. i got attacked by tickling monkeys this evening while watching ferris bullers day off in patricks quad on robb's lap (he took my chair, the evil boy.) he ended up trying to scientificly figure out whether the back of my knee or my stomach was more ticklish. we basicly spent half the movie sissy fighting like that. isn't college great?
look at me, i have internet access on my computer! very fun and exciting.
bryy and i have hooked up. please don't start placing bets on how long you think i can handle monogamy with so many attractive fish swimming around. cause you know what? bryy's dom! who knew! ;) *dances about* i love the world
*sigh* i met a boy :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D. my first college hook up. i feel good :)
yeah.
now my laptop isn't cooperating and i don't understand computers and i'm hungry and i want to go visit bryy but i don't know his scedual and i also want to set up my computer so i can clean up my room of all the shit thats in it, and yeah.
but you know what? i love college
OH! OH! i have a phone number!!!! 50 AH AIM!! (you'll have to ask your mommies and daddies about what the area code is. yeah, and last night tom and i were discussing other possiblitys with it. if you call me, i'll tell you. it's really an audio joke. anyway, i must go bounce around and beam, and then find forces who will make my computer work. i have great fears that i fucked it up already. i sometimes do that with things i don't understand.
hello people! after a two and a half day absence from the internet/online world, i have returned. so *streches out, does a few jumps* where do i begin... oh yes...
I LOVE COLLEGE! and i LOVE COWELL (where i live on campus) and i LOVE the people i live around and i LOVE the setting and the VIEW and the SMELL and there are DEAR!!!! BABY DEAR!!! IT'S SO WONDERFUL!!!! *does a very happy dance* i'll articulate more when i have the time. (ah, articulate. when i used the verb "socializing" i got a "wait a sec, did you just say 'socializing'? i've never heard it used like that!" i was just "shut up! i'm an intellectual!")
i have to be up tomorrow morn to go read torah at synogoge. the high holidays these lst few years have been very spiritual. i can't get over that little girl feeling of actually feeling there was a god that we all prayed to and who listened. so yeah, tonight since i had my nagging rationale behind me i used services as a sort of meditation time. just to completely clear my mind of thoughts and caputure the spiritual cleansing feeling of the jewish new year, and at the same time the new school year, not just school but COLLEGE.
i miss people. i was hugging people at synogoge, cause i was feeling all nostalgic and realizing once again how much love there is around me, and it makes me happy. *shakes head* wow, two days at santa cruz and i'm already a hippie. eh, i had it coming. i just needed the santa cruz setting to really push me over the brink. and i don't even need drugs!! ooooooo!!! aileen feels extra happy and special!
i really do love everyone these days. i love you all so much. *gives a big group hug*
Internet connection down.
Neil Satterlund taking dictation.
Begin transcript
Drublghlurhgabah
Country is going into war. I got basically an hour with friends, and didn’t get to stay that long. I see a highly depressing musical about Western society invading Japan. I see Jonathan for TWO minutes; after we had left and are in the car (I had been looking around the lobby for him, and didn’t see him, and we had been in the car and
been looking around for about half a block, I look out of the car and freak out and are like OH MY GOD and my dad and little sister are scared out by the outburst.) Run across the street, embrace Jonathan, Bryy gets it all on FILM. Merriment lasts far too short a time, am torn away by parents, saying I must pack. THen we stop at a gas
station.
Raar.
I haven’t finished packing, my computer’s not here yet, the Internet’s down (Neil is typing this for me, thank you, Neil) History teacher at Castileja has terminal breast cancer. It has not been a good day. I wouldn’t be surprised if tomorrow I break down into tears, causing a wonderful first impression for people.
you know, it's very much the sign of a true song writter when the lyrics can be applied to every situation, and work beautifully. they express our feelings with the poetry we don't create ourselves (we being the royal we here)...
if i was naked and screaming on your front lawn,
would you turn on the light and come down?
screaming, there's the asshole who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down
for i used to be a superhero
and no one could touch me, no not even myself
you are like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else -(once again, medea reference on my part)
some people wear their heart
up on their sleeve
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg
strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy, i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot
-ani
i actually had the chorus for Superhero stuck in my head last night, as kinda the song medea would sing... this works too :)
sigh *bangs head against a wall for a very very long time* yesserriebob, this is excactly what we need. more hatred, that'll get things going...
people are all comparing this to pearl harbor, and i agree, it's huge, it's devistating, it's scary. but we cannot expect this country to instantly turn into what it was 50 years ago, and rally together and follow it's leader into war and eliminating the enemie. have people forgotten that we've had a cold war? a world war three without one all out war, instead fought in little asian countries that were infected with communism. the country was completly divided in vietnam. i REALLY don't feel we are in a good state to follow our rage and just rally together and go to war... yet maybe we are, and i'm just sitting here at my computer with so little excposure to "normal" people, that i think there might be a chance that the country is not unified and up for war... but it's probably just me, that does not want to see the country rally together and charge into war.
every reaction i see and here from people, or on the radio, or tv, or somewhere, is some sort of EXTREME reaction (hm... that should be the name of a product). extreme greif, extreme anger, extreme fear, extreme numbness, EVERYTHING. and i'm getting VERY uncomfertable being in such an environment. my extreme is resitance, and i KNOW that is really not the best extreme to have. i get a vey nice, simple email from alfred talking about acts of vigilance poeple can do tomorrow to show "american pride" and "support for our country". my reaction: bull... shit...
50,000 or so lives should never have to be taken in such a manner. so much greif and so much fear should not be subjected to this many people at once. but ouur gov't, despite how well it compares to others, is still shit. i do NOT support wars, even if it is for "protection" purposes. if some one is mad enough to organize and hijack 4 airplanes in the US and run them into national monuments, they weren't just doing that for kicks. they were seriously fucked up, but seriously provokes, and i do NOT support sending more people to kill and get killed in retaliation.
with an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, the whole world will end up blind and toothless -gandhi
'why do i need my teeth anyway?'
'so you can knash 'em at people when smiling don't work no more'
'...i'm not afraid of you'
'you should be... i'm afraid of myself' -by the bog of cats
... i just got back from seeing by the bog of cats at sj rep. it's a modern irish Medea. *deep sigh* wow... i didn;t agree with some of the directoral choices, but it was just so... wow... *sigh* see it if you can. holly hunter is amazing to watch.
it was the first time in a while that a play has made me cry...
How should justice be served for those responsible for U.S. attacks?
Both: 6327 49%
Military retaliation: 5873 45%
Court trials: 629 4%
Total votes: 12829
Would you be willing to have military action that may include U.S. casualties?
Yes: 9815 76%
Not sure: 1870 14%
No: 1174 9%
Total votes: 12859
guess who's in the 4 and 9% catagories...
there's a reason there aren't too many pacifists...
i just don't understand WHY we'd want to go into a war that would consist of attacking ANYONE who LOOKS suspicious. damn it! we're supposed to be smarter than this! but nnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! we have to put a half wit into office that got c's in school causeing the age old prophecy of "those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it" to ONCE AGAIN come true... FUCK!!!
wow, if this country were to go into marshal law and shit, we'd be locked up so fast... well, it's comferting to know we'd be among friends. like iceland in brave new world. :)
i am seriously considering moving to canada. that is, if santa cruz isn't liberal or isolated enough :)
i don't think i have one friend who could consider himself "normal" -neil
AAAAARRRRGGGG!!!!! ok, plans? can they EXIST?? EVER??? RAAWWRR!!! *runs about hitting and kicking things*
planned to come to paly and/or gunn this afternoon (maybe hopefully play 123shakespeare) and then this morning in the car, dad tells me i have theatre tickets tonight (to a play i really want to see but STILL!!)!
and this morning i kinda fell out of bed and then was rushed out of the house so i was all worried about this afternoon's possible running about in a long skirt, but then i didn't have time to pack up a pair of jeans or shorts, but now i really won't NEED them but there;s a little nagging in the back of my mind saying "no, no, you could get yourself up there in the early afternoon and take a train down in time to see the show and stuff..." but i really don't know HOW, or what my schedual after the first graders get out, or if i'd be able to get a ride, or if going to gater gathering tomorrow will be enough, and maybe i can get people to come over to castilleja, I DON'T KNOW!!!
and i left my sweatshirt at home that had the hippopotamus song accompaniment on it, so now i can't lead it at school sing, and it SUCKS because i was really really looking forward to that. and i had ARRANGED my OUTFITS and everything based on my supposed schedual, because i had to pack up all my clothes and stuff.. *sigh* i really need to get more sleep...
arg! well people, it looks like my college email adress is stuck as "neelia@cats.ucsc.edu" dispite my desire to change it to "Buzzz". o vell. i shall still have my aim account and such. no huge loss.
AAA!!! i don't know what to make my college email acount. it must be between 3 to 8 letters, and neeliabuzz is 10. ARG
i could just shorten my it to "neelia", but then we lose the "buzz". so i'm also thinking maybe "Buzzz" would be good, but i did that after i was all uncool and left it as "neelia" now i'm not sure if i am able to change it or not, and if i CAN i don't know if i SHOULD, and i DON'T know what to DO! HELP MEEEEEEEE!!! *wimper*
neil- i should call aileen...
alfred (quite forcefully)- yes, you should.
*neil wimpers* :)
i bitched with alfred about the boy last night. i felt a little better. but then i slipped and complimented him this afternoon. rawr. gad damn it...
on the other hand, i did get two classes of kindergardeners and first-graders singing the chorus of the hippopotomas song :D. they are SUCH CUTIES, i almost want to continue doing grunt work for mrs. augestine just so i can stay with these kids for just a little longer...
my body is starting to revolt. i haven't eaten anythign this morning. i brought a thing of yogurt and a granola bar but i put them in the fridge. i had some water... settles my stomach a bit... i really just want to crawl back into bed and curl up and sleep... i feel like crap. i did get a quick shower this morning but i still haven't washed my hair.
it all gives everything a hightened unreal feeling... i'm really still asleep...
i talked to jonathan. we're both feeling like crap. we need eachother so incredibly much. it's amazing. why do we live so far away from eachother then?
so much in my life never turns out the way i want it to. therefore the other person is fucked up. (hey, it's me. it doesn't have to make sense) this is one of the reasons neil be pissed off at me... there is so much communication i do on this page, why does he insist on beleiving that he can get all information via phone? his best friends are fucking pissed at him half the time... yet we can't let go of him... and then he goes and says these wonderful things that just.. dude... and make us vulnerable feel even smaller... damn him...
when we cant deal with our lives here and now, we should be exempt from having to think about others...
so i'll walk the plank and i'll jump with a smile
if i'm gonna go down
i'm gonna do it with style
and you won't see me surrender
you won't hear me confess
'cuz you've left me with nothing
but i've worked with less
and i learn every room long enough
to make it to the door
and then i hear it click shut behind me
and every key works differently
i forget every time
and the forgetting defines me
that's what defines me
when i say you sucked my brain out
the english translation
is i am in love with you
and it is no fun
but i don't use words like love
'cuz words like that don't matter
but don't look so offended
you know, you should be flattered
i wake up in the night
in some big hotel bed
my hands grope for the light
my hands grope for my head
the world is my oyster
the road is my home
and i know that i'm better
off alone
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch?
who am i?
bet you can't even tell me that much...
and in my case, life going on wasn't that great a thing...
"why does every conversation with you feel like a battle..."
"wow. you're just doing so well today. it's just like 'way to go aileen...'"
"aileen... i would normally have much more tolarence to take crap, but not tonight. i will call you tomorrow and you can give me as much crap as you want"
that's not the point you lifeless prick. the point is i hurt and i want to hurt you... or at least get SOME FUCKING REACTION from you.
yet when i succeed, i.e. tonight, i feel like crap.
this is called pain redirected. planes crashed into the world trade towers. later they collapsed. i watched footage on tv. initially i mock it, and deal with it with my normal dose of cynicism to repress and put away my pain so i don't cry for people i hardly know and later feel a hypocrite for crying when the media's told me. so instead i talk to neil. and after a half hour of jumping about and bitching about what a fucked up situation the world is, and get that off my chest i'm left my own fucked up life and i'm back to my bluntly passive agressive tendencies, and he's in his straight-backed-"blink-blink" mode again, and once again he is out of gunshot range.
and so i release my fucking serpent of estrogen, and let it bite as it may.
thing are sufficiently fucked up now...
quote on the radio i heard while making lots and lots of xeroxes: some congressman's statement about the whole thing was along the lines of "this will be the thing that will help our country realign it's priorities. our cenral focus should not be education, or welfare, but the security of the american people"
*aileen goes and thumps head against the wall*
nora's first peice of advice to me on turning 18 was "if you get drafted, head to canada. we have family there who will protect you."
my first thought provoked reaction to today's events: how the hell do you hijack and airplane?
and i'm mainly upset b/c the new york skyline is changed. just like in 2nd grade when the USSR collapsed, my main reaction was "now all the maps are out of date"
interesting things in the news:
sears tower was evacuated, disneyland and disneyworld closed, all isreali missions were called to a halt. (who's feeling threatened? i know! i know!)
there are 6 billion people in the world right now.
a gunshot kills evry hour
a car crash happens every 5 minutes
a woman is beaten every three
children are starving
people are killing each other for land, food, pride, power, rage, everything
at the same time the population is growing exponentially
infant mortality rates are lower than ever
7 million people are on life support world wide
scientests are working to find cures to every disease known to man
we will someday be forever young
we are using up our planets reasources
we are distroying our earth's atmosphere
we are melting the polar ice caps
we are destroying civilizations and habitats everywhere.
businesses are buying out their competition
kids are beating up those who are smaller then them
boys beat up those less powerful
girls stab those less popular
you know what. what happened this morning was NOT the start of world war three. what the fuck did castilleja tell you guys. yes, it's scary and sureal and weird, but we CANNOT pass judgment RIGHT NOW what our future is. go with the flow, and hope for the best.
(now people do not take the following seriously. i am really blowing steam because i'm just so fucking amused how the two castilleja student entries about the "crisis" in america are so fucking similar. it's almost as if whatever this asembly was acted as a mass brain washing and it's all gone down hill from there. *sigh*
so please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just read CNN.com articles! get the facts! stay as well informed as you can, but at the same time notice when each and every news reporter on the story is describing it in an overly dramatic matter using the words "tragic" "monsterous" etc. every other word. this is called influencing public opinion. i'm not saying that they're WRONG and we should really just take this whole thing LIGHTLY, i'm just saying, step back, look at this moment in history. how are future generations going to judge these reactions? CALM... DOWN...
the first rule in the hitchhikers guide to the galexy: DON'T PANIC...)
*aileen screams and rants aimlessly.* First off people, we don't TRUELY know who orchestrated it. congressmen are ANONAMOUSLY pointing fingers to terrorist organizations in the middle east. Every FUCKING COUNTRY in the WORLD is sending messages of condonement and sympathy. the problem with terrorist activity is it is INDEPENDANT of GOVERNMENT. we will QUITE LIKELY go into a state similar to ww2 segregation camps if a specific ethnic group of people is foundd responsible. it's quite likely that we'll have SOME sort National Security project will go into action. but at the same time LOOK AT WHERE YOU LIVE! LOOK AT WHO YOUR FAMILY IS! THINK SMALL SCALE, OR YOUR MIND WILL EXPLODE! RAAAAAAAWWRR!!! *runs about beating up poloticans and people*
i fell out of bed ths morning (not literally, but i rolled out of bed into clothing, washed my face and got in the car), we didn't listen to the radio on the way up to school, i've been drifting more and more into my own little isolated world because too much going on is getting painful... and this morning both world trade center towers collapse after plane crashes.
the new york skyline is changed forever...
HOLY SHIT!!! i'm now talking to friends about how SAFE we are! HOLY SHIT! this is the US! what the fuck's the CUBAN MISSLE CRISIS going to look like now? but back then we had kennedy. now we have George W Bush!!! HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS OUR GOVERNMENT GOING TO DO?!?!?
the saga continues... (otherwise known as "the excuse to upload more pretty pictures")
the main girls (everyone say "oooo... aaahh...")
L=Fairy Princess (well, look at her...) kidnapped by C= magical Queen of the Night (very "magic flute") paid by very rich non-magical R= Lady of Darkness, (sorry for lack of better name. i love how her LOOK is so self contained. it tells it's own story. makes me happy) a human with sinister plans to take power and rule.
oblivious regulars (well mostly...)
L= oblivious, daughter of rich and powerful, happily ditzy. Rs=one's who have stubbled upon the Elite CFT in action. protect and keep L in the dark of the sinister plots afoot (L= possible hostage that gets killed and not too many people care, i haven't decided yet)
my current theory on life is that we all live our lives in wavelengths. and right now, i am really not in sync with ANYONE, except maybe bryy because we're in the same boat, but even then... *sigh*
lives were not ment to be as fucked up as they are...
maybe it's really not so good to have an encoragable optimist as one's best friend with complications....
i'm biting my lip, but i refuse to cry...
NeeliaBuzz: you know how you like cutting off people's dicks?
NeeliaBuzz: can i hire you to do neil?
JLarson1616: oh.........
NeeliaBuzz: i need to hurt that boy...
NeeliaBuzz: *pounds head against wall*
JLarson1616: what did he do now?
NeeliaBuzz: nothing. and thats the point. it's all me. but i have a need to cause him physical pain right now because he's so incredibly frustrating and proud of it
(warning: much babbling in this blog. to save you time if you need it, i basicly talk about how i don't know what to do with my life; there are so many choices. moral of the story by the end: one step at a time... calm down... despite how short life seems, there really is time. "hey kids. don't do everything at once. cause then you'll just fall down. :D" )
ho-ly shit. 5 days. waaaaaaay too much to do. *deeeeeeeep breath...* but first thought first:
i am having a "what the fuck am i gonna do when i grow up", but not the "i have no idea" empty kind. the MENTAL FUCKING OVERLOAD KIND. i really like the first graders in my K-1 class i'm assisting in. they're nice and mellow compared to the kindergardeners, and i can very much see myself as a first grade teacher. i would also LOVE to grow up to be just like mrs. mckee or ms. hof, who are wonderful wonderful people, and i love history, and if i had to teach a certain subject, i have a certain passion for history; it's a sort of story telling, and i love telling stories. i don't know how good i am, but i'm certainly enthusiastic (you've all heard me talk... btw, the story below i will probably be recounting to everyone i talk to, i'm just getting it down in writing for prosperity)
then there's the actual reality of these things: tho first graders are wonderful wondeful people, they are at such an age where the maturity of two kids who have a 5 month age difference varys DRAMATICLY! i got to teach some today. we were doing patterns. it was so interesting to see how they saw things (people love to see what people do -ragtime) and just with they're attention spans and the difficulty of the pattern i was doing, i had to basicly go to each of them individually to explain it. i was working with a really bright group, so i didn't want to give them anything too easy, but they really didn't see the ABCBABCBA pattern so i changed it to ABBCBBABBC so they could see it better, and even then i had to go to each individually and have them "explain" the pattern, and have them guess what would come next before they really got it and could do the same pattern with different colors. and like just right now while i'm writing about it i'm thinking of different ways i could have approached it. DAMN IT! when i'm not given directions on how to do somehting i have to make it up as i go along and then it takes a really really long time, and life is so short i have no idea how i'm goign yo gat everything done that i want to, or what to do in the time that i have!
side track: i was just thinking i should have had my senior event program prediction be "teaching third grade. shaping the mind of a new generation. no long afraid to get on with my life and off medication" but i don't know how many people would have gotten the reference...
so i was thinking about the experience above while i was walking to my ortho appt. which turned out not to be, i got it a day early and an hour late, so i guess it was good that i went todayy *shrug* and walking abck i wsa thinking about how i'd also like to be just like mrs. mckee and ms. hof, but from what i've done with teaching in those classes, i really just ramble on and on talking fairly fast about subjects that maybe half the people think are interesting. and with highschool history classes i'd really have alot of reading to do, and i'm not always good with the whole reading thing. and my students probably wouldn't be either so i'd really HAVE to do the reading for them so i could recount it in class so they'd get the information in them in SOME manner or another. so maybe i should do middle school history, thats alot more fo the basic overveiws of many different cultures and going over general history so i'd get to tell lots of storys but not have to have them go too in depth. and middle schoolers are pretty nice, but they are in one of the most transitional, confusing, fucked up times in their lives (ah the joys of puberty) and i don't know how good i'd be with handling them (hm... that'll be something to think about and possibly get more experience with. my only experience teaching middle schoolers was dance class with mrs. haney, and that was basicly once a week. so i could really do theater stuff with middle schoolers fairly well. but being a drama teacher is a whole nother subject, and one that i would LOVE to do, but once again, it would be at an age where i ould easily be doing a horrible job and they wouldn't let onto it unless it was behind my back... again, something i'll have to work on and figure out.) and also with middle and highschool teachers, the ones who have had their own kids are usually better with handling and understanding their students, so i'd have to have kids of my own, which would mean i'd have to be married (i'm sorry, but i doubt i'd be able to handle being a single mother, i'd burn out before they were 3) and THAT has a lot of factors to go into it. AAAAAA!!!!!
anyway the point is that there are SO many variables that would go into just deciding WHAT KIND of teacher to be, and then i start thinking about the thousands of OTHER career choices i'd like to try, and all the things i'd like to learn about in school and the things i want to do in the rest of my life; i'm having mental overload. if we go into quantum physics theorys, i'm creating maybe 17,000 new universes, because i have so many different choices and possibilitys right now. AND I WANT THEM ALL!!! i WANT to pursue lives with everyone i love. i WANT to teach first grade and observe children in their still impressionable stage. i WANT to teach middle school and slip in those last few lessons before they stop listening for 3 or 4 years. i WANT to perform for people who would give there time to sit and watch me for an hour or more. i WANT to *control* what those people who would sit and watch something for an hour or more would see, and i'd want them to be affected by it and say "wow" and then go talk about it in good ways. i LIKE walking down a street anywhere where i feel at home and recognizing people. i want to experience EVERYTHING! and it's just all feeling VERY VERY RUSHED and like its too much for me to do, and that i won't get it all done and i'm going to and i have missed so much. and i need to do more! but it's too much! AAA!!!
*sigh* recounting all these thoughts to one fo the other k-1 teachers i had to just take a breath and say, "you know what, i should really just go to college and be a college student for now. thats really what i need" ...so i think i'll do that; i really can't fit my entire life into the next 5 days.
billowing cloaks, pretty fairys, beginners luck (i thought my arm muscle hurted mostly because of carrying the dead weight of a backpack, but there was the archery as well), sizzlers, fall asleep on each other in the car ("oh yes, completely platonic" -jonathan)
well, my dad's sideways on the floor hooking up a computer... the x-chromosome teachers are listening to elmi's wedding story (...i'm in the wrong place -dad) ...and i had a breakfast of chocolate covered carmel popcorns because there was no breakfast stuffs in the house :)
man, the real problem with going to bed late is that the next morning you have way too many random things going through your head, and it's hard to just write a train of thought of random unrelated quotes.
i'd like to thank the academy... -fight club ( i actually had the "and then she came along... and she ruined everything" quote stuck in my head first, but this one is better out of context)
how can two people be so connected on so many levels, and so NOT on so many others.
this is the theme of my life right now.
bryy: broken cats, college, searching for closure, scared of each other, avoiding talking (b/c i know he's right...)
neil: i love the boy, and he's so frustrating. i feel like i know him so well, but i don't know, and i'm going to college at the end of the week.
jonathan: 9 months. i could have gotten pregnant at our first romantic encounter and be ready to give birth around now... my security blanket, yet the above is true
katy: wonderful girl, yet i can't help feeling threatened by her. (i can't help feeling threatened by ALL girls, even if they are wonderful wonderful people and i feel good about myself at the time)
everything. everyone. no exeptions. period
aiit's been, (chord) one week since you looked at me...
ingrid: CONGRADULATIONS! you get to do the "... and a fountain! ..trrrrrriii-ckletrickletrickletrickle" most memorable part :)
jonathan: the things you really want to get and feel sexy in... $110 dollars at ren faire. i'm sorry i didn't have enough money.
so, ren faire. funfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfun!!!!! loot= keychain ring thing, finger tip thing, snake arm band thing (neil's present. it was wonderful, i tried it on and showed it to them and neil says, "ok, you are getting that..." and it was fun) and a Super Wench shirt. happy me.
also, i have found i have quite good beginners luck these days with throwing or shooting things like darts, and cross bows (not so much with the bow and arrow, but that was HELLA fun to shoot) and wet sponges at males (didn't even pay for that one and i smacked two of the three in the head with a sponge. one of them stopped me later and said, "she! she was the one who was so ruthless with the sponges!" it was fun.) played ren version of air hockey, but then degraded to playing knives with alfred. neil enters and slashes us all to bits.... *sigh* it was all very very fun and happy and worthwile and WONDERFUL and happy and yeah. *bounces about. collapses and falls asleep*
ride up in car: *aileen looks down at chest. breasts be pushed up quite far. realizes she's got neil on one side and alfred on the other. sighs. says something that neil can interpret, understand, and shrug off, but really really wanted to say, "dear GOD! where did these come from!!!"
check out the L33Tness of my side bar. it makes me happy.
anyway, my girls:
The Elite Crime Fighting Team ... of america (i don't have names but i do have personalitys for them)
leaders sassy, sweet, punk, fairy. dark, bitchy, maternal, powerful. members (lfrom L to R) good hearted, knows people, gets information, runs through streets. friend of leader woman, does undercover work, quiet. center girls work as pair, techies/hackers, kick ass, smart. go between, runner, kicks ass, spiritual. other undercover, ditzy, but kicks ass.
The Demi-Gods goddesses of the realm, glowy and sparkly, good natured, genuine, give tasks to fairies.
center: leader (eldest), glamorus, quietly powerful. L: hippie, earthy. R: Star, moxie, ruler of cosmos, likes people.
ack, i need to go help with setting the table. more to come! see why the Elite Crime Fighting Team was put together!
i've spent most of my day on public transportation. vta sucks. it cannot get you ANYWHERE in less than an hour... rawr... at least i got to nap and prove to myself that one does not necessarily need to run on ANYTHING, except maybe some sobe to keep the advil from eating your stomach. and food is a wonderful wonderful thing :)
note to all: peanut brittle is still good 5 days after being purchased when stored in it's wrappings and a paper bag at room temperture :D
the shuttle stop had a certain smell to it. i don't know why but that was the first thing triggered in my sensory memory. and the whole atmosephere around it... it was happy. it's rather nostalgic for me. amazing...
i had way too much to think about in the first place, and now i have my period. thats right, drop everything and listen to me moan *moans* (best reaction so far: "this is so distressing! i need to come over and just FIX you" -neil)
whenever i get this lovely inconvenience i have to figure out which day pms was effecting my emotions and screwing with my head, and guess which day that was.. (see angsty teen shit below that i'm basicly avoiding until my head clears, and because i have no fricken idea what to do...)
if i had been my mom, i would have gone for some sort of surgical procedure to remove the tumor. seeing a tumor growing and eating away a body is bad enough, but to see it on your cat... your thirteen year old cat that you got when you were 5 and who got thrown out of the house because he's all too testosteroni and pissing all over the house, the one who sleeps at your feet or in the curve of your knees... to see him walking around with drool always hanging out of his mouth, and a tumor eating away at his jaw, seeing him lose weight because he can't eat hard pellets, and not truely knowing what he's thinking when you stare at the big green eyes you've come to recognize...
*sigh* it causes you to write bad prose... gad damn...
i wanted to bite and rip a leather belt with my teeth and chew and spit it to the side like those angry evil people do in movies.. passing by people i had to fight urged to land a karate kick in their back and jump on them. i could vision myself uprooting trees and tearing up the sidewalk as i dragged them along and threw them to the side. i had trouble leaving personal property undamaged.
never try to walk home from a bus stop when your uterus has taken over your entire lower abdomen in the process of viciously sqeezing out it's once-again-unused lining... not fun people...
on what is time: "Ever since St. Augustine, people have wrestled with this, and there are all sorts of things it isn't. It isn't a flow of something, because what does it flow past? We use time to measure flow. How could we use time to measure time? We are stuck in it, each of us time travels into the future, one year, every year. None of us to any significant precision does otherwise. If we could travel close to the speed of light, then we could travel further into the future in a given amount of time. It is one of those concepts that is profoundly resistant to a simple definition." -carl sagan
"time is nature's way of making sure everything does not happen at the same time" -steve harding
NeeliaBuzz: i don't feel the katy thing is as big as we're portraying it
NeeliaBuzz: i'm sorry that i've aplified it in my frustration and anger
JLarson1616: i think it is
NeeliaBuzz: it's really my way of trying to shift the blame off of my own bad choices
JLarson1616: i think its been amplified to the point where its what your internally feeling but don't want to externalyy show
ah, how wine and deep pain bring out the truth in us...
all in all, it's just another brick in the wall...
...walking towards the water, with a fetus holding court in my gut
my body highjacked, my tits swollen, i'm sore the river has more colors at sunset than my sock drawer ever dreamed of
i could wake up screaming sometimes, but.... i don't
and so, after several months of being abroad, aileen menkin heads back to her spot behind the wall of cynicism to curl up in a ball and try not to her pick scabs with her collection of cds to entertain her.
i'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one
i'm a bitch, i'm a lover
i'm a child, i'm a mother
i'm a sinner, i'm a saint
i do not feel ashamed...
you know you have a friend when you can call them at 6:30 in the morning to moan and groan about how life sucks, and the conversation actually turns out to be beneficial
well, i have once again caused misery and greif in the world and people hate me and i feel like a hopeless iniquity. i can either a) wallow in self pity because i'm a terrible horrible person b) fall over myself trying to fix everything around me and quite likely eventually failing therefore falling to a) or c) slip into complete and utter cynicism about myself and my life for a couple months because it's just a tad more interesting than wallowing in pity.
lets think...
mood: frustrated as hell
music: Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop from Producers (what, i have random songs in my head...)
NeeliaBuzz: i keep feeling like maybe if i had done this closer to when school starts it might have worked out
KraftyCat2: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: but no, i'm not done with my other boys yet
KraftyCat2: I think that'd be easier
NeeliaBuzz: and that a problem
KraftyCat2: well, things would have been much easier to deal with that way
NeeliaBuzz: yup
KraftyCat2: he'd be more settled from all the stress of becca and stuff, and you'd be done with your men
NeeliaBuzz: yup
NeeliaBuzz: *sigh*
NeeliaBuzz: but. i choked..
NeeliaBuzz: rawr
this has been a demonstration in how amazingly wrong a little idea can go
gray ceiling on the earth
it's lasted for a while
take my thoughts for what they're worth
i've been acting like a child
your opinion, what is that:
it's just a different point of view
what else, oh what else can i do?
i said i'm sorry, yeah i'm sorry....
i said i'm sorry but what for:
if i hurt you than i hate myself
i don't want to hate myself
don't want to hurt you
why do you choose your pain
if you only knew how much i
love you, love you
well i won't be your winter
and i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
and we can be forgiven
and i will be here...
i think i should go back into therapy. i have issues with women. and power. and women taking my power.
in my frontal lobe i know that i create my own power and no one is allowed to take it without my permission.
in my dorsal lobe i feel like there is something fundamentally lacking or fixed about me that will always make me inferior.
in my frontal lobe, i feel when i feel happy and sexy that buys could really fall all over me,
in my dorsal lobe, i'm the ugly little one in the corner that annoys people when she gets in their face.
and now, in my fear and anger and love, i've fucked up 2 or 3 peoples lives, maybe more. i've said it before and i'll say it again. i have a curse. anything and everything i previsualize doesn't happen. everything. and people say i have issues with trust...
alright, i've organized the pictures into sort of catagories. and they all kinda go together in a story i haven't fully developed yet. neil, you can probably help me, you're good with extrapolating ideas. this is going along with our eventual writers colaboration thing. yeah.
NeeliaBuzz: ok, you've known bryy longer than i. advise me.
Neilsat: Hangon...
Neilsat: *urk*
NeeliaBuzz: (*laughs*)
Auto response from Neilsat: DAS BETT INFAMMEN GEHEN!
NeeliaBuzz: what?
NeeliaBuzz: is that like "dear GOD! this parachute is a NAPSACK!"
Neilsat: No. It literally translates to "YOUR BED IS ON FIRE"
NeeliaBuzz: oh ok
ah yes, neil. the one we can always count on for useful and helpful advice when we need it.
have i mentioned i hate the ackward phase? *goes and stands with head against the wall*
on the 7th day, God slept. and then woke up and ate and showered and slept. and then woke up and watched a movie and blogged and slept. and she fought many battles and had deep intellectual conversations with boys. and it was good.
there are some moments that i marvel at my ability to articulate myself so incredibly bluntly. and it's a marvel that it shocks people so often. *hangs head*
so neil and i went to the tapestry and talent street fair and it was wonderfully happy and exciting and fun and wonderful! i bought a tie-died dress and some presents for neil. it was haaaaaaaaappy. i got to drag him around and look at pretty collections of things. does life get any better than this? yes it does... i had sex last night. :D:D:D:D:D:D yeah... *bouncy bouncy bouncy* soooo! muuuuuch! looooove! eeeeeeeeee!
