Heals The Original Dryness: 10/01/2002 - 11/01/2002
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
10.31.2002
i did an audition workshop today. with the acting studio 2 people. and i went up there. apparently my pheobe monolouge is good for me, but i need to relax and slow down. oh, and not apologize for myself...
and yet i can't beleive i fucking did that.... i almost feel queasy when i think about it.... i'm such a middle child... i'm so fucking intimidated by all of them... and marsha... oh my god... she is so frightening... i should take an acting class next quarter... i wonder if i could actually get into alma's show... i should do all theater classes next quarter... hm.... but what about modern dance... i should find out what alma's show entails...
jesus christ, i did an audition workshop with the big guns. but my initial reaction afterwards was "damn i needed that"
so i called my psych and religion perfessor. i get to do the midterms as a take home. write up 6 questions. he's gonna hold me to a higher standard. no problem man. i'll even turn it in on TUESDAY! wait, no i probably won't but thas what i'm going to try to do cause that would be damn awesome and he would be so impressed with my 1337 sKi11z
benn and i "celebrated" our one year anniversary this weekend. quotation marks because it's technically next weekend, but i have tech, and wouldn;t really be able to do anything. so we went to watercourse way and spent 2 and a half hours in one of their privite hot tubs, giving eachother massages and relaxing. it was quite wonderful. and then it was a beautiful day outside which made it all the more wonderful. went and got burgers and sat and watched the windsurfers at shore line. happy happy happiness.
btw, 60A presentation went well enough. i was skipping about saying "one down, one to go". i was reading hermen hesse just in case that question was on the midterm. i was so fucking prepared.
and the thing is i have no excuse. i lied down cause tresha was using the computer for a bit and i thought if i did fall asleep she'd wake me up, or that i'd wake up when other people left, i didn't tell anyone to wake me up cause i didn't expect to fall asleep that heavily. it's not sickness, it's not medication, it's all me. and that pisses me off. and worse than that, it really doesn't leave me with very many options.
ladies and gentlemen, i have just slept through a midterm. *insert self-deprication/abuse/pity/"i'm a shit head" here*
and you know what, i was doing really well up until this point. maybe a little behind in section, but section isn't even mandetory. ok, fuck that, I WAS DOING WELL! ARG!
long day? i think you know the answer to that question....
did i mention i have two midterms tomorrow. one's a presentation, but that still doesn't reduce my desire to throw metal objects at people. and by metal objects i mean spoons. and safety pins. which i actually did throw. but don't worry they were in a bunch and none of them fell open.
i fuckin hate pikeys (i've just been walking around saying "FUCKIN A" all day, so i thought i should blog the thought as well. and now we sleep. and kill people. wait wait no, thats the thing we're not allowed to do. *writes a note to remind herself* no... killing... people...
my blogs have made very little sense recently haven't they. stress and social drama don't mix.
we watched death to smoochy last night. really dark humor. SOOO wonderful.
i feel really strange today. not like strange bad, but like strange weird psychotic. i blame it on the fact that the sun is out but it's still frickin freezing. also our neighbor was making metal numbers cause they didn't have any 3s at the store. so he bought extra fives and is doing the rest by hand. metal on metal grating is an unusual thing to wake up to in a town house complex.
anyway, i have a midterm thrusday, and we need to make a costco run. we are out of paper towels. i don't think we even bought paper towels before. we've been using the same roll since we moved in. maybe we should just get a couple at safeway instead of getting a huge block at costco. anyway, we also need drinks and stuff, so we're off before they close :D
the names have been removed in the following blog to protect the idenity of those they are aimed at. should you think a comment applies to you... it probably does... or not... take your pick and don't blame me for your choice.
you: i DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT
you: *cracks up laughing* dear lord! oh i love you
um... other people: hey how you doin? i'm listening to robin williams. you should too :-D
halo party last night. suprisingly few people showed up. but twas fun.
i beleive my thyroid dosage has been on the wrong level for the last week. i fell asleep yesterday in my friends' dorm and when i woke up, i had no motivation to move. i could move my lower legs but that was about it.
charels and veronica are back to normal, etc. thats your blogging update for now.
actually, during those three hours charles and veronica were having loud rounchy sex, that first sounded like they were just moving furniture, but when a constant rythem started it was kinda hard not to realize what they were doing. it sounded practically like an earthquake (james' comment. he'd stop once in a while have to check and make sure the ground wasn't moving, move on). *sigh* needless to say i didn't get much work done. and then when they finally came out of their room they were having some kind of passive agressive moment, and for some reason that really didn't help my mood. i was trying to figure out later why other people being passive agressive makes me so depressed, and james pointed out that it's simply because you can't DO anything about it! and you just want to be like "GAD DAMN IT TALK TO EACH OTHER! WHY ARE YOU JUST BEING PASSIVE AGRESSIVE!" uch...
they almost broke up too. i was silently slightly relieved. but they managed to work it out, some how. she was frustrated with her paper and not getting it done, and finally basically left in a huff, ignoring charles and not acknowledging him and stuff. she leaves, i point to the door and say "screaming fight. now. go."
my computer fell off the bed yesterday. now my internet doesn't work. it's quite conducive to getting stuff done because i can't distract myself by going online. but it's kinda a reminder of how obsessive compulsive i am, because the urge to go online comes up so frikin often. but i'm getting work done so yeah.
for the sake of blogging, benn's car got towed cause it was in a non parking space that wasn't labeled as a non parking space and no one contacted us tolet us know he was n a non parking space. went grocery shopping, charles bitched about finances, i told him he was behind with household buying of stuff, whine whine whine, etc.
psych and religion class talked about peak experiences, and i talked about how i find little zen moments as peak experiences, and they come from random things, and it's really cool. i feel like i should write my paper on that but i don't think i could fill ten pages. i want to write about an experience that i haven't written about before. i feel that if i'm going to write a 10-15 page paper i want it to be something that i can put with my stuff and look back on it every once in a while. so i feel like i should basically write my definitive "being jewish" life story. but my section teacher said we should narrow it down to like one particular instance that we can focus on as an experience that changed us. so i was thinking about writting about my christmas rant experiences. and i was kinda feeling like no, i've written that stuff already, but thinking about it now, i don't think i have my definitive story written down, just the speaches that i made. and even all ove those aren't in the same place. hm... that is an idea... and i can probably tie it in with my current zen mentality cause i found that trying to take everything on was not a wholly pleasent experience and it's much nicer to just try to see things as they are and look for the beauty that lies there in. but i'm not really like that, i'm just more like that than i was in high school. but thats just growing up, not so much a spiritual journey, tho one could argue that growing up is in itself a spiritual journey, but thats an entirly different paper. fuck, thats a book.
i should eat these bananas, they're turning brown.
oh, and it was rather chilly today. nice for walking to class cause it was sunny but nice cool breeze. prevented me from going to porter tho, cause i didn't have a jacket and i didn't want to be stranded on campus w/o a jacket
my god my house is insane. benn and i were just dancing terribly outside charles' door... and then benn started doing a pole dance sort of thing on the door frame... and charles wasn't even looking... it was horrible.
it's the second time tinight that i've wanted a video camera to capture the craziness that is our house. and it's all happened to music, so it would work amazingly well! james lip syncing to mr robato, benn funking out to michael jackson, he and i dancing in front of the guys room, james... standing in the stairwell and staring at me... right now... dear lord we are so insane.
so very impromptu. usually we plan these things out way in advanced, but i don't think we knew we were going till like thursday. anyway, shared costumes with josie's friends, dragged josie and benn about the fair. seriously didn't buy anything. i was thinking about a sword or a letter opener knife thingy or something like that. sound and fury had departed so i didn;t get to see them perform. ran into neil. or more acurately benn ran into neil and then i called neil and said "meet us here!" and we ran into eachother on the way :). long day, tiring, food at the end of the day is cheaper cause they're trying to get rid of it (word to the wise) so we were getting two for one turkey legs and stuff like that. found indonesian puppets at the shop that i bought my metal ring tip thing at last year, performed little dance numbers with it :D, i don't know if i got sunburnt or noth, i tried to stay out of the sun and i put on sunscreen at the begining but you never know. ah yes, and faeries get harrased at the faire. i was not aware of this last year, considering the fact that despite how faery like i felt, i did not, in fact, have wings. this year, i did. :-D. i seriously didn;t buy anything tho. i was considering it a bunch. a guy at the pewter stand said he's sell me the pewter rose for 19 dollars, tho apparently the regular was 32. i was dubious if it was actually a deal or no, it's something i would do if i were a seller type person, but it was sweet if it was. ah yes, and another vender, after i said "oh i'm just looking.." he said, "thats fine, i'm enjoying looking too *wink*."
think about it. how many jobs out there, where it is obligatory to hit on your customers? UCH! i LOVE ren faire!
i hate those times when you see two people online and you know who they're talking to... and it's not you...
fucking bastard. probably doesn't even read this.
well, we're going to try to rent Hook, cause we just watched the trailer and were reminded, "hey, thats a good movie. i want to watch it now" so yeah :)
NeeliaBuzz: ...fuck you
NeeliaBuzz: i've had a hard day
DaMadFiddler: heh
DaMadFiddler: how did rehearsal go?
NeeliaBuzz: went well, we did a stumble through of the show
DaMadFiddler: and how did it go?
DaMadFiddler: stumbly?
NeeliaBuzz: i got home in a good mood and everything, but like talking to my friend in palo alto i was having like an old regrets resurgence, and talking about benn moving away didn't help and i just kinda broke down cause everything was feeling so shitty and my life was shit and why the fuck do i even bother
DaMadFiddler: oh, dear.
NeeliaBuzz: so i dragged benn upstairs so i could talk and cry on his shoulder and then we talked a bit more about the possibilty of him appealng and things like that, and just reminding me of why he wants to do these things and how much better of a situation we are in than his last long distance relationship
DaMadFiddler: <- [senses tremendous amounts of emotional insecurity]
NeeliaBuzz: ya think?
DaMadFiddler: You've got a good guy. Don't throw him away.
NeeliaBuzz: i wasn't planning on it
DaMadFiddler: okay...you just sounded really...odd when you were talking about it earlier.
DaMadFiddler: on an unrelated note: Sean says "my conversation with Aileen was pretty fuckin' dumb. Why do I do these things?"
NeeliaBuzz: i just really don't trust myself and i see myself as extremely weak and i'm not looking forward to the quite possible depression. but talking with benn about it helped, cause he's much more optemistic about the situation, and thinks it'll work out fine
NeeliaBuzz: yes.. yes it was
NeeliaBuzz: i think we tried having a serious conversation once and it just didn't work....
DaMadFiddler: heh...
DaMadFiddler: ...so did the talk help you feel any better about things?
NeeliaBuzz: totally
NeeliaBuzz: if nothing else it got stuff out of my system and kind got us back on track with where the other is and like figuring out a game plan for whats coming up, stuff like that
DaMadFiddler: well, that's good.
NeeliaBuzz: it was good
DaMadFiddler: <- [makes stupid-face] Decent communication seems like it might be just a little bit important in a serious relationship.
NeeliaBuzz: well DUH
NeeliaBuzz: yeah, we really hadn't had a good discussion on the topic cause we've been hurting so much about it, and tonght i was just like "i'm falling apart here. whats happening on your side
NeeliaBuzz: and just needing to get stuff out of my system and have someone listen and stuff
NeeliaBuzz: anyway, doing better now but yes, i've had a rough evening
note on conversation with sean: i have been unofficially ordained as a table slut. don't ask. the conversation degraded to hurling medical terms at each other and just basically going "you fucker!"
ah college...
you know, trying to write the begining of your spiritual journey paper in an environment where there are guys behind you calling each other cocks and balls, and then proceeding to mock star trek with more sex jokes. i'm just sitting here, burping, and exclaiming how balls are the coolest organ on the mans body, them wondering how i know this. more cheesy star trek. my god, kirk is such a sleezy bastard, why are women falling for him? dear... lord... my eyes, my eyes...
i think my life is heading into a serious depression. and it's really strange. this is the first time in a while that my mind has been complete shit, but my body has not degenerated into disease and lothing of itself. this is what comes of being in ballet and a physically demanding show.
my homework is finally catching up to me. i need to write "a paper" tonight, aka start on an idea for the psych and religion paper so i can present something in section tomorrow. and i have to type up production concept for ta-60 section. so much to do, so much to do. i smell a list... *goes off to write one*
*comes back for a moment for a real quick song and dance rutine*
IAN HAS A GIIIIIRRRLLL FRIIIIEEENND!!!! TEE-HEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!!! *morphs into a crowd of giggling preteens and runs off into the distance*
gad damn it, charles HAD to be in the upstairs bathroom just at that moment (benn is complaining now as well cause he wants to brush his teeth). i had to go all the way downstairs *whines*
anyway, that kinda derailed my rant process. i was thinking of going on to explain that quote i posted... whenever that was.. but ian just sent me a document about his wonderful self affirming afternoon, and now benn has lain down next to me (grammar geeks jump ALL OVER that conjegation) and is being all cute and i just have to snuggle and kiss him for a while cause he's so cute and i haven't seen him all day, and theres just not enought time to blog! why god why! mrowr...
i was telling ian that i should probably go back into therapy. i think i just need to set aside more time to blog, cause this was really satisfying
i was going to write another woe-is-me entree but i totally lost my train of thought after reading the rest of my buddy list's away messages.
i snapped at our puppet lady in rehersal today. i was sore, i was hungry, i was tired, my arms and back hurt, and she was telling me to slow down my movments. as if that were like a simple thing that i could do. if the handle for the dragons head were at the center of gravity point, maybe, but as it is now it's about as center of gravity as holding a 1 gallon pitcher upright, but instead of the handle being up and down, it's side to side and your knuckles grind up against the pitcher. uch! it's such an ass wipe! RAWR! but i am so stubborn and stuck up that i refuse to give up that part cause that would mean she would play it, and she wouldn't do it as well as i could, and she really annoys me cause she seems like she should really be a 3rd grade teacher, rather than the assistant director/narrator for a college show. and i LIKE doing puppets! i am TOTALLY INTO THAT! i SO dream of like running off to LA and sneaking my way into ardeman animation or henson's studios and working there and stuff. but i reserve my right to complain about ass wipes telling me that i should be doing my puppetry 3 feet off the ground during an experiementation rehersal where i was just showing little things i could do and not expecting to do the whole thing over and over in full form after 2 hours of rehersal and dinner 4 hours ago. give me a fucking break, lady. you try doing that in my situation. so FUCK OFF!
i'm really not an angry person in general... *puppy eyes*
i think thats very much a typical characteristic of my family... or at least we daughters. we have the combination of my dad's patience and knowing when to pick your battles, and my mom's "BARK!" *snarl* "RAWR! RAWR! RAWR!". (that makes more sense in my head/talking to you in person because then i'd be able to perform that and throught this demonstration, you would know what i ment). so as a result, we don't (usually) lash out when were in a frustrating situation (aka, 6 hours at fry's, annoyance from a friend, a puppet lady telling you to move slower),
oh! i totally remember what i was originally going to blog! i've been clenching my jaw a lot recently. like i won't conciously do it, but i'll find myself kinda noticing my jaw muscles are kinda tired and sore... cause i'd been clenching my jaw for who knows how long before i realize it. *sigh* i'm just not dealing well. and i really don't want to go to 60A tomorrow morning, but i really should cause there was some change to the syllabus and i should at least go to the first half of class, even if i dodge out in the break and go crash at porter for a while. i should really find out if melyssa finds my "5th roommate"-ness annoying or not, cause i'm always there... like not really doing anything but just acting like i live there when i don't, which was kinda the same thing i did last year but she's new so i have no idea if she's comfy with it or not. anyway, back to what i was saying before...
...but we totally like rant and scream and jump pound things in frustration and for emphisis when we retell the story. it's the emotions we were containing at the time just breaking through in their rennactment state.
"Others refer to me as insane, I refer to myself as insane, but am I really insane? I think not. Insane people tend to motivate their actions through the use of extremes, and when I say "extreme" I mean motherfucking EXTREME! The man who thinks he is a chicken will never leave chicken mode, even if someone asks, "Could you stop being a chicken for one second, this is important?!" The man who collects racoon heads to ward off the spooky spirits of his aunt's old television is insane. I say what I deem necessary and do what I deem necessary to prolong the idea of my insanity. So does this make me insane? Perhaps devious and irrational, but not insane. I never dwell on problems for too long as there is never any agreeable outcome. I never try to take anything too seriously as that only leads to problems that require dwelling. Take the world lightly, as it is so deep and heavy it would crush you into a human tiddlywink. Have fun and don't panic."
my friend sean ladies and gentlemen.
justs wanted to share that with y'all cause he ain't got no website
i do not think i am so much a walking land mine, or a ticking time bomb, but like one of those things that people occasionally hit without knowing it but it leaves and impression but since no one knew they just kept walking and there i am sitting with this hand print indented in my stomach and a pained look on my face as crowds of people stroll by and don't see anyone. i dunno, i've just been moody recently and i just had a "wow, i'm a land mine" moment but then didn't actually go off.... i just sat there aware of how i was just activated, yet totally numb at the same time. it's an interesting feeling. to be totally numb yet fully aware of the emotions that are bottled up inside you. to have all that unfinished business that you are conciously not doing anything about. the old wounds that aren't festering but at the same time never fully close so you keep them wrapped in a bandage until they go away, but they don't, you just get used to them being there. but soon you look like a walking lepor... and it doesn't suprise you when your arm falls off. you just kinda stare at it on the ground, think "oh yeah... i used to have a functional arm... hm.." but thats about it. you probably could have held onto your arm if you really wanted to... but why bother...
i am totally off my original point. that last part is a really bad analogy with my current situation, tho it kind fits with past ones, but thats the extent of my verbal creativity for tonight. i have to go to rehersal in a half hour. i thought i only had like an hour of rehersal that i had to be at... but no... i'm once again going to be there till 10... it makes no sense, i thought i had a small part... but then i joined the puppetry people... and now all of a sudden i'm called for like 3 scenes. its insane. and i thought i might have thursday off, but no, full cast call. and i get off on friday at 5:30. *sigh* but whats the use complaining, i knew what i was getting into, and its a total ensemble show so we're getting everything fitted together with everything else. anyway, i'm going to rot my brain for a little bit before i head to rehersal. be well yall
pretend that last post was posted this morning. our stupid alarm woke me up at 7:50 and then i couldn't go back to sleep cause i was thinking too much and i needed to use the bathroom and eat something. toasted a bagel for myself, ate half of it while bemoaning my fate to james, curled up in a little ball next to him for a while for comfort, randomly talking or not, it was what i needed. just someone to listen and comfort. so i'm feeling a lot better now. cuddled with benn muchly. :)
now people are playing video games downstairs. i think charles was making his girlfriend play against the flood cause she was screaming in terror and "what do i do??? what do i DO???". benn says they're made for eachother. if nothing else because they're both so loud :P
my apologies to alan for mistaking a dot for a slash...
that makes so little sense i think i am going to put it on stickers and give them to people on the corner on broadway and mission... i'm not even sure those streets intersect... oh well, guess not then.
oh, my original intent to post below was supposed to be how i think i got a little too pastel on myself and so i'm still tweeking and stuff... i'm not a pastel person... i may have shades of pastel, but i need good deep solid colors as well to bring me back to earth. unless i'm in one of my "i'm a fairy!" moods ;)
i had changed that smiley face to an actual post but kelly's computer was being a butthead and wasn't posting and i guess blogger didn't catch that it was a failed post and didn't save it in like a cookie or something. whatever. probably ranting about colors more.
oh! i remember! i totally figured out RBG to HEX conversion! oh my god, it was so cool! total eureka, light bulb, "click" moment. and i now benn and i relate on a whole new level! isn't html fun?
so we have some ever so subtle changes to the colors on the title bar (no longer white, now a very subtle yellow).
new links in the side bar. please note the true porn clerk stories. noted? now read them...
i wanted to change the font of my quote to like crusive or something pretty so it's more noticable, cause it fits so damn well with the picture (seeing her own 'i', its a pretty little picture of my eye, :D) it makes me happy... very zen...
on a completely different note, i'm having a kind of crisis of faith around the whole issue of circumcision... why can't we just modify the rituals so like instead of a 1/3 to 1/2 of the penial skin being taken off, it's just a small cerimonial patch or square? and same with female circumcision, no need to take off the entire labia or whatever it is they cut off, just a small bit of skin to symbolize the sacrifices we make as women, or to sybolize the pain of women. and in stead of sowing up the labia entirely, just like one cerimonial stich, practically a sinew clit ring, to show respect to the ancient tradition but not torture the woman as much. come on! ancient art of comprimise here! *sigh*
also, james and charles have made it their primary sport to scare the shit out of me. charles is mildly successful, tho his random "WAH!"s are getting old, but they went through an elaborate sceme to scare me after charles picked me up from the theater for james to come running from the bushes and smack against my window. they failed. more on that later.
please welcome alan heiple to our links list. also, please welcome our links lists to the top part of the page. i felt the black space next to the picture could nicely be filled with our links. i realize this introduction is kinda out of order becuase for the last two posts we;ve been aware of changes happening on the page, but we're expecting some more ucsc people's links to be arriving, now that i know they have pages. actually, sean's page has a link on alan's page. 'angon a sec...
wait never mind, he doesn't actually have his own site he just has movie reviews on alan's page. but anyway check out his page, best... small amount of time... you'll spend today :)
played with link colors. i have one... now i need to find like a lighter shade of that that doesn't clash with anything, the other purple i found was far too neon and i had to click on all of my links just to get them to be the same color... then i went back and changed the html. i wonder if i can make the links in the top part one color and the links in the rest another... eh, benn's busy right now, i'll bother him later about that.
and does anyone know a sight that basically has like a chart of html codes and the colors they correspond with? cause right now i'm just fiddling with lj settings, seeing if theres a color i like, and then going back to the modify page and picking out the code from the chart. theres got to be an easier way. or a pattern. *sigh*
benn and i seem to be getting parallel ulcers from the stress of "has benn gotten into santa cruz/ what the hell is going to happen next year"? and it's not even next year it's like... ok, maybe it is next year cause it'll happen in january, but it's not "year from now" next year, it's "just a few months from now" next year. sucks muchly.
and charles is really loud when he's awake. if he doesn't start being quieter in the mornings (cause we're quiet for him when he's trying to sleep at 11pm) we're going to go passive agressive on his ass (or at least benn will, i'm not even sure i CAN be agressively passive agressive, it'll just cancel itself out and i'll just be left as agressive). we have ideas of like waking him up at 4 am with squirt gunns or super mario brothers and be like "oh.. wait.. did you want to sleep? oh, i'm sorry, were we preventing you from sleep? you're not enjoying our little funny antics at 4 am? here how bout we play it at the same volume but from just a slightly farther distance" it's so evil. but then again so is he. :-P
benn and i seem to be getting parallel ulcers from the stress of "has benn gotten into santa cruz/ what the hell is going to happen next year"? and it's not even next year it's like... ok, maybe it is next year cause it'll happen in january, but it's not "year from now" next year, it's "just a few months from now" next year. sucks muchly.
and charles is really loud when he's awake. if he doesn't start being quieter in the mornings (cause we're quiet for him when he's trying to sleep at 11pm) we're going to go passive agressive on his ass (or at least benn will, i'm not even sure i CAN be agressively passive agressive, it'll just cancel itself out and i'll just be left as agressive). we have ideas of like waking him up at 4 am with squirt gunns or super mario brothers and be like "oh.. wait.. did you want to sleep? oh, i'm sorry, were we preventing you from sleep? you're not enjoying our little funny antics at 4 am? here how bout we play it at the same volume but from just a slightly farther distance" it's so evil. but then again so is he. :-P
i want to be able to have the "heals the original dryness" center itself like the picture and the quote, but the title's spaceing it determined by pixels from the margin... so i guess i could just set the margin area of the picture too... but it's so hard *whines*... *sighs. puts on snorkle and dives into sea of html*
