Heals The Original Dryness: 01/01/2003 - 02/01/2003
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
1.31.2003
i need more david bowie in my life
"random with a purpose" song stuck in my head. everyone should come see the show cause its really good. and i get to hang out with theater people but not really do much and its fun and exciting. apparently i remind them of nora when i declare "i get to have sex this weekend!" which i find REALLY amusing. apparently people have stories... but wont tell me, cause i'm her little sister. but at the same time i'm not really curious so much for the stories but to see how incredibly similiar we are. apparently there have been memorable conversations about sex toys. and seeing how tonight i ended up having a conversation about testicles... well you do the math.
apparently we menkins are interesting people :D
and proofs are really really fun when you understand them :D even tho they take a damn long time. i was at porter doing homework and i look at the clock and its midnight so i say to myself "i should leave soon" and then somehow and hour passed. it was terrible. luckily busses run late these days so i was able to catch a bus at 1:30. gotta love college. ok, back to finishing proofs.
i've come to notice that i really only keep track of dates thru the daily show
like on the 21st, i only realized it was my half birthday when they announced the date at the begining of the daily show.
and tonight, it was the 29th. they say the date. i realize "we need to pay rent"
and apparently my housemates have been thinking that when they give me money they've been paying for the past month, not giving me money for the next month. same money. different logic. but now they owe me. but are confused why. or at least james is. charles is often too dum to be confused about such matters.
yay! our sink has the ability to stop leaking! now we just need a new faucet. but in the mean time we CAN shut off the cold water and not have to deal with a constant dripping sound. yay!
i'm so goooood :D *does a little dance*
so we need a faucet, light bulb, and a drain skimmer thing for the bathtub. hardware store runs are fun.
DaMadFiddler: [hug]
NeeliaBuzz: i hate women
DaMadFiddler: come, now...don't use them as an example of everyone. That's how prejudice gets started.
NeeliaBuzz: when i say "women" what i mean is "a group of females"
DaMadFiddler: I know
DaMadFiddler: it's still a stereotype, though.
NeeliaBuzz: i dont hold all women to these stereotypes
DaMadFiddler: and if you use it enough, it becomes your justification...your crutch you can lean on if you don't have a better argument.
NeeliaBuzz: i got called a whore
NeeliaBuzz: i think i'm entitled to a crutch right now
DaMadFiddler: all right; I'm just saying, don't let the actions of one affect your views of others.
NeeliaBuzz: it's actually not just her actions. its the revisting of memories of actions of many many others
NeeliaBuzz: thats why i say "i hate women" because this is not the first time a conclusion has been made about me behind my back which i was then forcably exposed to
NeeliaBuzz: and i wasn't happy then, and i wasnt happy now
NeeliaBuzz: /with this whole incident
DaMadFiddler: :-\
NeeliaBuzz: i do get a cringe in my stomach whenever i meet a girl as just a girl, and it bothers me that i have that reaction, but i don't let that hinder me to the point where i hate them without knowing them
NeeliaBuzz: so don't you worry about my stereotypes
DaMadFiddler: heh
DaMadFiddler: just offering some friendly advice...but I'll butt out :-P
NeeliaBuzz: not all negative stereotypes are true, and not all POSITIVE stereotypes are true
DaMadFiddler: yes, I know that.
NeeliaBuzz: hun, we spent a week talking about stereotypes in the social psychology section of intro to psych, and this was also with a wonderful wonderful teacher. so yeah, basically, "butt out"
DaMadFiddler: jeez...sorry.
NeeliaBuzz: (i'm sorry, i'm very testy right now, as you can understand/see)
me? defensive? after 3 days of being accused of things that aren't my fault? no... never...
thats the second time in the last 10 days that i've woken up and not had the abitlity to tell time. well, more acturately the last time this happened it was the inability to count (waking up at 9 after falling asleep on bus that left sb at 3 and thinking "oh my god, we got up here in 3 hours??") this time was more going to bet at 2 in the morning, reading for a bit, setting my alarm, accidentally release the "set" button. clock says 4:03... weird, i thought it said 3:03. *shrug. continues setting alarm. messes up again. finishes. clock says 5:04*. now, this is the time of night and mental state where my mind jsut as well could be playing tricks on me
but then i wake up at "5:17", go to the bathroom, look at the clock in the guy's room, think it says "4:25", go to my computer, turn on the monitor, that clock says 3:27...
now i was blamed for the guys not going to the girl's super bowl party thing. because i apparently have control over them and manipulate them into breaking their promises.
the whole thing makes my inners cringe and cramp and be not happy and confused as to why people hate us
on the plus side i did get to wear my techie outfit today, new black jeans and all. i look spiffy in black. i have pretty pink skin to go with it
the super bowl was so hilarious. the raiders got their asses so completely wooped. their quarter back now holds the world record for the most throws intercepted. wow.
i'm being very passive agressive now with regard to tresh and her calling me a whore. i'm basically not talking to her. which is probably better than being bitchy in her face. so many times i was tempted to just say under my breath "well maybe if you hadn't called me a whore..." but i saved it and just held my tounge and just didn't look at her. i hate it that i'm being passive agressive. but i've never been in this situation before. uch, fucking lack of communication. no not lack of communication. she made an attempt to communicate she just said "aileen, you're a whore" instead of "aileen, i don't feel comfortable when you flirt with guys in front of me"
"she didn't mean to call you a whore. what she really ment was blah"
"then why didn't she say that. i mean i was wanting to brush it off and just say 'aw, she's jealous' or 'aw, she's just in a bad mood' but that would be making assumptions about her that i don't knwo for sure and i HATE it when people do that to me! i have trained myself that it's not ok to just avert the blame from yourself. so i'm left with feeling like it was something i did, and blaming it on myself, and feeling like shit"
i fucking hate women.
i don't have time for games. i don't have time for guessing what you mean. i don't have time for subtlty. i don't have time for assumtions. i don't have time for beating around the bush. i take people at face value, because thats what i give. so don't blame me for how you chose to live
Glitchatcollege: i think part of not being taken too seriously is just me... little ol sweet lovable harmless blake
NeeliaBuzz: ...why am i not harmless?...
Glitchatcollege: umm... cause guys cant shrug off any sexual innuendo the way a girl can?
Glitchatcollege: hmm... perhaps something thereabouts
NeeliaBuzz: hm
NeeliaBuzz: so thats why girls are always given negative names with regard to their sexuality. they're either prudes or ho's
Glitchatcollege: no.. there are plenty of nasty names for guys who over and under do it too... and plenty of nice names for girls
NeeliaBuzz: like....
Glitchatcollege: sweet girl, sexy, lady, hottie, tease
NeeliaBuzz: i didn't think tease was a positive name
NeeliaBuzz: *thunk*
NeeliaBuzz: *exasperated*
PenguinOzzy: LOL
PenguinOzzy: sorry
NeeliaBuzz: it's ok
PenguinOzzy: you're cute when you're exasperated
NeeliaBuzz: i'm just having a conversation with blake at the same time, and we're realizing we're totally the same person with regard to our flirty interactions with people, but blake is "harmless little blake" where as i'm "skanky tramp"
PenguinOzzy: gender roles in society, you're both equally bad, I'm sure, but with different labels becuase it's frowned on for females, Don't ask me why, I don't make the rules, But I will say iut sucks to be you
PenguinOzzy: but for what it's worth, I'm sorry
NeeliaBuzz: :-\
NeeliaBuzz: the price i pay for defying gender roles
PenguinOzzy: *hug*
PenguinOzzy: lol
PenguinOzzy: yup
PenguinOzzy: lifes a bitch
NeeliaBuzz: *hides*
NeeliaBuzz: *curls up in a ball*
PenguinOzzy: what you hiden for?
PenguinOzzy: hey, relax, it's all good
PenguinOzzy: what can happen is only what you allow to happen
NeeliaBuzz: i want to move to europe
ooo! john sefel is directing david ives' "all in the timing". some girl in my acting class was going to do a monologue from that and i said "woo hoo!" and everyone looked at me becuase i made a celebrational noise. must... fly... to massachusettes...
k, tonight's not looking too promising on the "sleep" scale either
i had insomnia last night. didn't get to sleep until around 6 am this morning. then woke up at 9:20-ish and went to a TA-60 section that i actually enjoyed. it was wuuuunderful. we were actually treated like intellectual adults rather than 3 year olds. and having two sections on the same day really isn't so bad when the second section is intro to acting. despite not fully knowing my monologue i apparently did a nice focused performance, but i should work on feeling the emotions before i say the lines rather than feeling as/after i say the line.
yesterday had the realization that i needed to line up my boys and say "you, no! you, no! you, love ya, no!"
i didn't actually do that today but having that attitude in my encounters with them did help.
went and saw resevior dogs at the del mar at midnight. good movie. weird weird stuff. oh man. i somehow had a social life this evening. i think i at least passed my intro to logic midterm, tho i have never been so anxiety ridden AFTER a midterm in my life.
anyway, i have friends, and they want to hug me, and don't want to let go, and i find it highly amusing and happy. and i give good back rubs. most other girls just give like foreplay backrubs. when i give a backrub, it is my daily exercise, tho i have started doing push-ups in the morning to wake myself up.
i should find out if i need to be at tech tomorrow morning if i haven't been to more than one rehersal for the thingie... sleep would be good tomorrow
previous post: me freaking out and being me at 1:30 in the morning
right now: just finished reading act two of "who's afraid of virgina woolf?"
edward albee is my new god. well no, he's a diety. but yes, people, start worshiping him as you do sondheim.
i had a good day, and now i'm in santa barbara happily content next to benn. is quite nice :)
game of grab ass with joe and robert. theater-20 section: highly intense game of go. oh man, 5 people, it was so great, we were so into it. people were trying to distract us, but it didn't work, cause we're cool like that.
need to do logic homework this weekend, midterm on friday. need to read "the crucible" see if there's a monologue in there i want to do, if not, find another contemporary american play to get a monologue from. spend lossa time with benn, yeah ;)
oh yeah, main reason for not blogging. lack of computer. i use james' when i need it and i'm currently using sean's (and getting a massage from robert :) but yeah, in the last few days james' computer has been out of reach due to the presence of a veronica for extended periods of time, thus resulting in us not being able to go into that room. so yeah. my dad is giving me one of the family desktops, and i'm picking it up on monday. i have a doctor's appt in the morning in cambell, and then we're moving on to santa cruz. seeing benn the rest of the weekend. we didn't have such a great weekend this last weekend. it was just very busy and we didn't get much "us" time, except when we were hugging eachother right before he left. *sentimental moment* isn't it amazing how little things can make everything seem wonderful and yummy and stuff. he had the hiccups for about 12 hours. off and on, but he fell asleep hiccuping and woke up in the same state. it was really sad. he was very irritated. and despite all of our efforts nothing really helped which was frustrating as well.
i had a realization on 17. most of the expensive decisions in my life (school, computer) were made off the idea "well it worked for nora". and yet i am very much not nora. in fact for many years, nora would barely validate me as a person. doesn't do very much for your self esteem.
dear lord. i am going to have to spend tomorrow looking at people's doors. i forgot to check where my logic section is. so i'm going to have to go to stevenson and do that tomorrow morning. damn it! i was planning on calling gap tomorrow and seeing if i could make a job interview. gad damn it. i need a cell phone during times like this. then i have to check the list of contemperary american playwrites to see what plays i can choose from for my monologue for acting class. shit, there are a lot of plays i just have to read because i have to. hm... library... or logos bookstore... damn it, i need money. i need time! i need a segway! not a car, a segway!
*sigh* i should probably go home and get sleep. long day tomorrow.
i've been so busy.
HOW BUSY ARE YOU?
i've been sooo busy, i haven't been at home long enough (during normal business hours) to call my doctor and say "i've been busy"
i've been so busy.... i haven't been blogging... yeah...
stuff
i'm trying to get a job (oh, haven't been home long enough and stuff to call and check about my application) at the gap (james' reaction: "don't fall in!") so i can money and then buy boots, that i havent had time to go down town and check if they're still on sale. classes, sections, homework, sleep.
oh, and veronica cleaned everything. it's really disconcerting. i don't really like people cleaning behind my back. i never know where everything is after that. it's terrible.
well, i'm back in santa cruz. and benn is not. well, he was, but only for a bit to pick things up, and now he's, well, gone. and i know it's not forever and i'll see him next thursday but i won't have anyone to cuddle with tonight and give me warmth and a feeling of ease and place in the world.
i rearranged the room. my back is going to be so fucked tomorrow. shit, it's fucked right now.
james got a laptop. he's burning all his cds onto it. i'm listening to cake. it's bringing some emotion onto a previously stalkingly blank slate. thats what it is. i'm just blank right now. i'm either in shock, or denial, or repression, or depression, i don't know what.
why am i so gad damn dependant?
plans, james, buses, picking up, COMPLETELY WRONG! COMPLETELY FUCKED! and i KNEW we shoudlve tryed to see if he was on the 4:20 bus, but we got NO contact or any ATTEMPT to get contact, and he was waiting for 3 hours and FUCK!!!!! it's more that if i were in that situation i'd be wigging out and having my worst nightmare come true and knowing that i put someone thru that situation is just AAGGGHHH!!!!! he seems fine! i called to find out and he was just straight forward and not too upset, but I'M UPSET!! GAH!!
