Heals The Original Dryness: 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
12.30.2004
i woke up this morning with what i thought was maybe a pinched nerve. finally this afternoon i called kaiser and got an appointment and turns out i have the shoulder equivalent of a charlie horse, aka a fucking knot that has taken over my upper right side. they gave me muscle relaxants. and my mom was being nice to me just now and giving me a shoulder rub :)
in other news, i paid about 20 dollars for a months worth of birth control pills. cause i am a silly silly girl. ah well, better safe than sorry i guess. been having too much sex this winter break, can't be too careful :)
why do i let myself get so affected by other peoples actions that may or may not be on purpose but never the less affect me... cause thats really what it is, i let them affect me this way. its not really concious, but i'm certainly not conciously stopping it, at least not successfully. but i still have quite a desperate need for approval. who knows if its even possible to get over that. well, not without therapy. i don't want to do therapy. i really am not going to have time for therapy. well, maybe. but its just that it takes so much effort, and i'd have to find someone, and have to schedule stuff... i'm resistant to change, why can't i just be better? and i want to say "why can't other people not be so silly?" but again thats me just wanting to blame other people for what essentially is my problem because i'm the one choosing to be affected the way i am by their sillyness *sigh*
i finally got a hold of him tonight. i called with my dad's cell and he picked up. why did i not take that opportunity to just ask "so have you actually been avoiding me a bit?" or "do you not actually want to talk to me?" using the actually's as defence mechanisms or to not appear quite so agressive and maybe boost my chances of getting an honest answer (yeah right...) why am i so afraid to be direct with him when i finally have the chance? i could have asked "did you pick up cause you didn't recognize the number? would you have passed it on to your voicemail if you knew it was me calling for the umpteenth time? do i annoy you beyond belief? can i have my sweater back!?"
i hate how much i am left to infer...
i did not expect to have sex with a boy tonight. i really didn't expect to have sex with THAT boy tonight. i didn't think that boy was really interested in me anymore. i was starting to wonder if any boy i was interested in was interested in me anymore. its a comfort to know i'm still desirable :)
i really need to buy the garden state soundtrack. best makeout music ever. not that i've made out to it yet. but i can just see it working absolutely beautifully. or at least a good portion of the songs. i really wish my computer were nicer about playing music... *sigh*
oh, and i got passport photos today, going to go get a passport tomorrow, so i can more likely fly off to england at a moments notice. which will be highly exciting :)
so i am frustrated. why are you frustraded, aileen? i'll tell you why i am frustrated. because i fucking hate games. and i hate that trying to avoid games just ends up with different games. blarg
now i don't want to give anything away but saw a movie today (dude, downtown movie theater, matinees only til 4, whats with that?) that ends with an epic battle of two dudes beating the shit out of each other. it was glorious. cause it started out as like an epic battle but by the end they're just beating the shit out of each other.
suprising number of people downtown too. walked thru a little bit of christmas in the park. you know, seeing how the other half lives. it was rather pretty, but of course both of us were imagining what it would be like if the fountains came on and how glorious that would be.
oh and missed the chinese food dinner because it was at FIVE and no one bothered to tell me that...
lovely little sequence of events
the last time i checked my lj friends page the top post was my friend alex gushing about how much romance is wonderful and she's so happy and in love and she's so happy that lots of her friends are in love too...
next post (as in the more recent one this time i checked it): "what does your Personal Dildo look like" meme...
so now for your enjoyment... :)
(it changes depending on what shoe size i put in, so i posted both)
bleh!!!! sooo boring when no one's around and no ones calling and everyone else busy with their stupid christmas stuff and rawr.
using josie's computer, such a tiny thing, and the clock is all wrong, and i'm perpetually afraid of what i'm going to fuck up on it.
merf... i'll just listen to the who and hope that will cheer me up....
in other news i'm pissed. i was supposed to have a date this afternoon and once again got stood up/flaked out on. luckily this was not one of those days where i sat by the phone the entire time depressed and wondering what the hell is wrong with me why is he avoiding me sort of thing. no today there was soccor, and failing my duties as navigator, and watching a really depressing movie (they shoot horses, don't they) about the depression, and much later went and saw a badly written remake (flight of the pheonix) but giovanni ribisi is a sexy sexy actor and the combination of him being the odd character and him doing it so frikkin well... it made an otherwise crappy movie slightly worth it :)
but now i am home, and once again pissed off that tomas once again had a DAY where he didn't pick up his phone, and i know, its just a day, i need to relax, he's not disappeared, its really nothing personal, he's just all over the place and is not surgically connected to his cell... but damn it when we have a date and i say i'll call, damn it carry around you're phone and pick up the fucking thing to say you're busy and you'll put it off another day, or pick it up and say darling, i love you dearly but you're a pain in my ass right now and i have no time for you and i don't think we should try to date this winter break and blah blah blah bl-blah BLAH! but frikkin give me SOMETHING so i don't have to be making shit up and replaying every possible senario in my head a million times and driving myself crazy! "hun, you need to relax" YOU need to CALL ME! RAWR!
*thunk*
hm... when i write it out it looks like "herps"... thats not right at all! its a two syllable word! and what a great word indeed! in my opinion :)
i've got some great named diseases! i've got the herpes, i have psoriasis, they're just really great sounding names. in my opinion :P
interesting. the combined effects of turning on the comments function and having my profile stuck on "i got topless in porter quad" as my most recent post are being felt. swhat i get for being blunt... and blogger being silly...
shout out to shirazi, thank you for stumbling across and leaving a comment, if this were livejournal i would add you as a friend. to answer your question in a new post form rather than replying to the comment (because i'm currently on my dad's computer and explorer seems to think that default fonts need to be 48 pt for some reason) i am a student still, almost finished as an undergrad at uc santa cruz. where i'm going from there? don't ask... that might come as a later post as time goes on...
sometimes when i'm down or feeling trapped or something like that, i like to look up how much it would cost to hop a flight to a far off place in the near future would be. few months ago i found i could hop over to toronto for less than $500. that of course was september when no one flies. if i wanted to go to london tomorrow for a couple weeks, i could do that for about $800 dollars. that makes me happy. i like just having that possibility. makes life a tad more bareable.
i rotate between being too selfish and too selfless. i'm either completely self absorbed or i totally disregard myself. in both states i can be passably happy or incredibly miserable. where's that balance? where's that delightful state where everyone's happy and no one gets hurt? why can't i fix the hurts of the past? why is there no way to get rid of those incredibly stupid mistakes? this world is insane...
my mom bought me a razor scooter. it is my mode of transportation for this winter break. *grin* i am SUCH a dork.
amusing things:
(on the back of the razor equipment catalog) warning: these products move when used.
Razor safety tips:
E. Do not ride at night.
F. Do not ride at night. Brake will get hot from continious use. Do not touch after braking.
How to Ride:
Place one foot on the baseboard, push forward with the other foot. Steer.
i found that i can only really ride it with my hair in a high ponytail. the high ponytail helps keep me in a peppy happy mode and therefore worthy of the dorkness that comes from riding around on a razor scooter in 2004 (really 2005, the year is over dude)
i'm emotionally unavailable, i don't treat boys right, i'm selfish, i'm a very silly girl, i'm not ready for a serious relationship, i can't be with a boy who likes me more than i like him, i hate hurting people, my scalp cringes at the word love, i'm physically depressed right now, i don't know what to do with myself
my new obsessive compulsive disorder THING that i'm taking out all my stress and frustration on: this THING on my lip. its basically a blocked spit gland so i get this little bulb on the inside of my lip. when it's that, i can handle it. i just puncture it with a pin, drain it out, and alls well until i need to repeat the process. and i figured i'd just keep doing that until i can see my dermatologist or my dentist and say "can i get this removed?" and they'll say "oh sure" and i'll say, "cool, can i have a mirror so i can watch?"
but these last few days, as if it knew that i had a dermatology appointment scheduled it has decided to morph into something different, a disguise if you will, so i can no longer pinpoint it down or control it. so that its so annoying that i can do nothing but chew on it and make it worse, or sit with a hydrogen peroxide cotton swab on it, or a bit of neosporin on it while i make an effort to not close my lips if i try to talk.
it's really very annoying.
you know what i really love? i really love when i'm listening to an orchestral recording of something and all the wind instrument players take a breath at the same time and i can hear them and it reinforces that these are actual people playing this music. i think it also reminds me of my dad playing clarinet in the livingroom and taking a deep breath after he's just played a long phrase and his face was turning red.
in other news looks like i'll be graduating on time, and no taking my GE's out of order won't be a problem and i won't be using them as an excuse to stay in college forever. 5th year program here i come.
alright, so in honor of my/blogger's silliness, and because at least 5 of you were sweet enough to check out my cuteness, i invite you all to let me know who the hell you are by clicking on the newly enabled comment thing below. its roll call time people! but with new and improved technology! das right bitches! WOOOHOO! *fails to pump up any excitement* ...yeah... *sigh*
so my first offical smore making experience was this weekend. i've done the roasting marshmellow thing for years but never added the chocolate and graham cracker elements. so we're watching nickelodeon last night and a commerical for this kids smores making machine comes on and i haven't eaten yet so of course i get a terrible craving to do smores. so we go out, get kfc, stop at longs afterwards get marshmallows and a big thing of hershey's, but they don't have graham crackers at this longs. so after much debate as to whether we should try a substitute ("they've got regular crackers... we could use saltines... ooo! they have teddy grahams! thats a graham cracker like cookie" "those are mini teddy grahams. we'd have to get mini marshmallows and mini chocolate chips..." smores for super models "um, i had a grape about 5 hours ago, so i'm going to have to split this with you") we decide to check out grahamless and try the longs downtown, which james does while i'm in the tub. i decided to shave my legs, i didn't feel like waxing them this time. quite fun. anyway, james returns and we make apartment smores on our stove. our electric stove. it was delightfully sacrilege, esp considering it was my first offical smores experience. oh, and we don't even have like shishkabob sticks to roast with, we were using lobster forks (cause we have a bunch for some reason). this afternoon i made a couple using a bent paperclip and a candle to roast the marshmallows. it makes our place smell like burnt sugar.
hurray for puppies being wonderful. and i know, he's not a puppy, but he's my puppy! we didn't even get him as a puppy, we got him as a full trained dog, i just call him my puppy, cause thats what i do.
and check out my cuteness :) i put my other cute picture on my profile, so check that out too. oh yeah, and leave comments, cause that would be nice. these are of course quite old pictures, but cute none the less. at least i'm keeping it in the college years. this puppy one is from this most recent thanksgiving! so :P
i really don't want to write my process paper. i really don't like writing on this computer. my chair isn't high enough so my arms go up to the keyboard and i totally slouch like crazy so much. also i don't have word, i have word perfect, which blows my ass.
and i was going to post a conversation about a really good burrito i had... but then i closed the window. suffice it to say i have discovered a place that makes really frikken good burritos. i could become addicted to those burritos. they're really frikken good.
so i auditioned tonight. no, start from the begining, i rehearsed my scene with colin, then hung out at theatre arts for a bit doing my monologue in the green room while sitting with matt, but i didn't have the script with me to i decided to go home later to get it. came back, fell asleep on angelo during guest lecture, took quiz, went to theatre arts, left my cd in the computer lab, sat and flirted with timothy for a bit, and of course sang a bit of my song for him and jason which of course i did really well so when i auditioned later it just paled in comparison, which sucks, i hate it when that happens. i then went to a holistic healing thing with jp. it felt really good and i wished i had done it before auditions cause it really helped me center and i really wasn't in my body at all at the audition. i carried my core for about two steps and then lost it right after i said hi to danny. i also felt after the holistic thing so centered and everything that i could probably go say hi to ari. but we didn't cause we were hungry so we went to late night. and at late night we ran into samuel and sat around and talked and bitched and played and laughed and it was great. we then went and watched daily show. and i managed to be in my ex's apartment without freaking out. it was good, i had a nice little support group around me, that helped a lot. then i played with sam-a-lot for a bit and got back at him a bit for being a devil and it was fun.
