Heals The Original Dryness

why do i let myself get so affected by other peoples actions that may or may not be on purpose but never the less affect me... cause thats really what it is, i let them affect me this way. its not really concious, but i'm certainly not conciously stopping it, at least not successfully. but i still have quite a desperate need for approval. who knows if its even possible to get over that. well, not without therapy. i don't want to do therapy. i really am not going to have time for therapy. well, maybe. but its just that it takes so much effort, and i'd have to find someone, and have to schedule stuff... i'm resistant to change, why can't i just be better? and i want to say "why can't other people not be so silly?" but again thats me just wanting to blame other people for what essentially is my problem because i'm the one choosing to be affected the way i am by their sillyness *sigh*

i finally got a hold of him tonight. i called with my dad's cell and he picked up. why did i not take that opportunity to just ask "so have you actually been avoiding me a bit?" or "do you not actually want to talk to me?" using the actually's as defence mechanisms or to not appear quite so agressive and maybe boost my chances of getting an honest answer (yeah right...) why am i so afraid to be direct with him when i finally have the chance? i could have asked "did you pick up cause you didn't recognize the number? would you have passed it on to your voicemail if you knew it was me calling for the umpteenth time? do i annoy you beyond belief? can i have my sweater back!?"
i hate how much i am left to infer...