i think i need to stop reading other peoples blogs. they succeed in making me depressed. i end up missing jonathan, getting frustrated with bryy, getting
jealous at neil of all people. i think it's the same kind of subconcious stuff that gets me down at thoughts of jonathan but they're so much more irrational with neil because there never was anything in the first place, but there was, but there wasn't, and it really frustrates me how i have these almost relationships with really cool guys whom i love and have great times with but circumstance or something gets in the way and nothing really happens and it ends up making me feel like either somethings wrong with me or that i could've done things differently or i should have made a different choice and it just PISSES ME OFF. it's just like i could do that. why not me? because i didn't take the initiative, i made other choices, i can't do fucking everything even tho i COULD i just can't SOCIALLY because we have certain rules about manogamy and innate possesiveness and not wanting to share people and i'm really just being fucking selfish by wanting lots of people for myself, but i really don't want them only for myself, i'd share, i just really need to be reassured constantly that people think i'm special and i'm lovable and that i'm not yesterdays garbage that has been left behind for better things. that i make a difference, that people
listen, that people REMEMBER ME! i just feel so rejected when people don't listen or they leave me behind. i want control! i NEED control! i'm obsessive compulsive damn it! thats like our entire essence! we feel anxiety over something irrationally, and so attempt to control it with rutines, which we CAN control, and reassure ourselves of our control with those rituals or compulsions. but as much as i would love to just have wild passionate sex with a huge number of people (not random people, specific people that i just need to have sex with) it really wouldn't do a fucking bit of good and would probably complicate my life to the high ends of hell so much that i would just have to move to... somewhere else and just start over. maybe write a book about the whole thing to amuse people. just cause i've had such a shit load of drama in my life and that would just be the denoumont. i have no idea how i'd be able to pull it off. i really wouldn't be able to pull it off. even the idea isn't practical. this is why i'm stuck with flashes of dispair. because i have no fucking clue how to fix it, and every solution given or thought up just wouldn't be good enough or would fuck things to high heaven. *sigh* and it doesn't help that my only contact with jonathan these days is his page. and the occasional email, but those were just technicality working out kind of emails cause i want him to come see chautauqua and find a poster for his room because i saw one that he wanted at the poster shop in palo alto but didn't get it, and now i'm trying to get myself to the poster shop down here but they close at like 6 so i never get down in time and i'm not even sure what they have and it's just messed up. whatever. i think he's blocked me. i wouldn't be suprised. it's probably easier that way. RAWR! i just seriously can't get over him and can't do a fucking thing about the situation because we've made our decisions and thats that and it jsut wouldn't work. *rants and raves and continues to feel like her life is shit for a while...* it's times like this that i wish i had long distance.
