Heals The Original Dryness: 04/01/2002 - 05/01/2002
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
4.30.2002
oh, other exciting news, i actually have a made bed right now. like the sheet fits across the entire thing and does not have to be rearranged and streched out every morning. and the crappy comforter that i folded in half to make a second mattress pad isn't falling off and all over the place any more. it's all tucked in and covered and everything. its wonderful! and my closet has hangers and i hung up my skirts and jackets and sweat shirts so my drawers aren't all crowded and i don;t have to share hangers for things and it's really exciting. my room is relativly clean and more organized now! yippie!
ah yes, and i have dorm food. and i slept last night. and spider man comes out on friday! JAAAA!!!!
you know, being al's sex tutor is so amazingly satisfying. cause like, i actually have an effect! i feel useful and effective and it's so exciting! he'll come back to me and say "thanks for the tips! got any more??" and i'm like "why yes! i actually do!" and he listens and he gets it and it's yay! *bounce bounce* maybe i should be a sex therapist when i grow up. something makes me think they do something a little different than just giving advice, but i'm not sure. hm, i'll have to ask my mom... *grin* i love that i can ask my mom these things. i love my mom. i love my parents. i love my family! i love EVERYTHING! WEEEEE!!!! *dances about*
GGGGAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! *runs around breaking things*
god i need sleep... i am so fucking irratable and pissed off and frustrated with everything right now...
Shurakaina: I wish he didn't get under your skin so much
dude, my afternoon is becoming unbeleivably surreal. so i forego going to the beach with people because i so don't want to get up and my back is killing me for landing badly in the bouncy thing at porterpalooza yesterday, and despite their begging and pleading and saying they'll cry if i don't come with i slept til 3. woo hoo, go me. so i get up around three thirty and check my email and benn's getting back from yale at 7:20 about, so i decide maybe i should head back to cowell and get some shit together and take the bus over, etc. then i realize i left my shoe's in ian's room last night when i went to go recharge my testosterone batteries cause we were having an estrogen fest, which was tons of fun, i just felt like i needed a change of scenery, so i went and hung out with ian cause he;s the only person i could find. but anyway, this morning i'm going upstairs to get my shoes and his board says that he's in burbank... o.O... what the fuck? when did he go to burbank? he's not going to burbank for like two and a half weeks! he said so last night, he said nothing about going to burbank today! so i knock on chris and alan's door, and no one's there either, and i had left my over shirt thing in that room. so i go and check the lounge. no one there. it's like i over slept and the entire fucking population of people i know disappeared! just vanished! sooo fucking surreal. so now i have to get myself back to cowell in bare feet and get my shoes back some other time.
theres either something in the air or morgan or jenny or someone i was hanging out with and the general breathing vecinity of was having or getting over a cold cause i've got me a sore/dry throat and i bark when i cough.
and for 2 cool point who can tell me what kind of corilation it is when my blogging decreases as my activity and experiencing life in a pretty damn full way increases.
*really needs to work on a paper* i played with alan's guitar last night. basicly when i was checking our what people were up to i poked my head into chris and alan's room and sean was playing video games and alan was playing his guitar and i some how got to talking with them and sat down and a little later asked if i could show off the three chords i knew on the guitar, so i did and it was fun and exciting and then alan showed me other chords and so i was playing with those chords and really wishing i knew the chords to wish you were here cause that was the only accustic guitar song that i could think of that i might be able to play, but i didn't knwo them so i was jsut playing and making up songs as i went along and just experimenting and then ian came in and put his legs on my head and was poking me and stuff and trying to get attention, i dunno. after a while i desided i should look up the chords to wish you were here and they probably had them on the internet, so i asked if i could use his computer and gave him back his guitar and went to the computer. well his rubics cube was next to the computer and i decided, hey, i should try this out. so i did. word to the inexperiences. do not attempt to solve a rubics cube in dim lighting with bad eye sight. you will not be able to tell the colors apart, as will you lose track of which side is which and what you were just working on. anyway, so back to what i was originally intenting to say when i started this paragraph, the tip of my index finger hurts. well not so much hurts as is really weird and tender like it wants to form a callus but hasn't yet. is weird. is very weird. and i am falling asleep here and i'm thinking that since i have an 8 oclock class tomorrow, i should get some sleep. goodnight all.
i got to playing with a rubics cube. i got a side done. alan said the next step was then to align the corners, and i was having serious trouble doing that and kinda fucked up the side i finished so i'd have to assemble the side again and it was really really frustrating! my brain hurt! and my eyes hurt! and i wimpered with the pain... so after about an hour and a half of being frustrated and not getting anywhere i tossed it to alan and said i'll have another go at it later. watched x-men, then daily show at 1 am, if you go to the daily show site (dailyshow.com i beleive) and watch the report on "indesision 2002" on the french elections... SO HILARIOUS. i was literally on the floor. it was terrible
i bought me a pair of shoes today
dude, i never get shoes. ok, maybe i do, but the last two times i've gotten shoes have been maybe a pair of heels that were on sale for probably less than 20, and a pair of flip flops from longs that i think were 14 buck. and the flip flops are falling apart. the last pair of berks i had i had kinda stolen from my mom, and my hiking boots i got when i was 12 maybe 13, i got passed down from my little sister a pair of fake sketcher shoes. i haven't gotten a good pair of shoes FOR ME in a WHILE. so i bought myself a really good pair of shoes. they're not berks, i think their mestisso or something like that and about 50 bucks more than berks, but SO worth it. they're SO comfortable
jasonwarlock: cool. you should send me a picture of you wearing your new shoes.
jasonwarlock: and nothing else
NeeliaBuzz: ;-)
NeeliaBuzz: ok!
NeeliaBuzz: i'll keep it in mind
NeeliaBuzz: ack, but i'm going to portland this weekend
(these are the conversations i have at two in the morning with jason :)
on the bad side, i left my bag at the shoe store. i also practicly left with only one shoe in the box cause he had been getting off the sticker thing on the shoe, and benn and i were in a rush to go watch ghostbusters cause ian got it for his birthday from his parents and we were going to watch it in his room. but like i didn't even realize i had left my bag at the store until 1 am when i realized i needed to take my meds. so yeah, i'm really pissed at myself for that. benn feels like it's partially his fault, cause he hid my shoe... for like a half hour. i didn't notice till i was about to buy the shoes i was getting and trying to put the other shoes back in the boxes and stuff and i could not find my shoe and i could have put it down anywhere. but no, it was just benn playing a stupid trick on me :-P anyway, gonna try to head downtown and get my bag back tomorrow morn. maybe get breakfast downtown :) fun stuff. aw shit i need to pack. gad damn it. ok, sleep.
*bounces* yay! i like this article! way too many social psychology and sociological theorys to be applied to it all at once right now, and i would just end up ranting for hours and hours about how this nations teen's are rejected and isolated. and benn can probably say it more consise and articulate on that point.
wow... i must have had quite a massive sleep debt from last week, cause i just woke up. debating whether or not to go to dinner now. i fell asleep in pajama pants and nothing else. and i really feel like i could walk down the hall and brush my teeth quite comfortably with out putting on a top. other people's comfort tho... i dunno...
i had a kid in my dream last night. it was kinda ala madame butterfly cause he was like 18 months old but i had only told people recently. and it kept changing how i had gotten it. first it was benn's, then it was kinda illegitamate, then i had adopted it from a neglecting family. an assortment of old boyfriends and people were in it.
i'm starting to fall asleep again, i should get up and get food. i was picking at my eyebrows alot last night cause they were all itchy and broken :(
oh yes! and ian has electronics stuff he wants to sell. really good pair of speakers, a couple pos laptops (*snickers at the thought that she's advertising this to a mostly palo alto crowd*), a couple other peices of sound system equipment, turn table, 5 cd changer, tape deck, random stuff. email me if you're interested and i'll hook you up.
*sigh* it's times like this that i wish i lived over at porter. a friend of ian's is in the hospital. and he's had a really rough year with people dying. *virtual hugs to everyone out there cause i love you all*
ah fuck, my really long documentation of part of my weekend disappeared *hits things very hard*
oh well, here's an im about lunch today for your amusement
NeeliaBuzz: i was being mysterious at lunch
NeeliaBuzz: i put on my sun glasses and turned up my collar and acted all suspicious
Shurakaina: really now? how so?
Shurakaina: hee hee
Shurakaina: :-)
NeeliaBuzz: it was funn
NeeliaBuzz: i ended up being the only female at a table of maybe 6 guys
Shurakaina: :-) I love doing that! did you get any funny looks?
Shurakaina: cool!
NeeliaBuzz: two of whom were acting like 3rd graders, and then there was scott and blake, who just revel in they're testosterone, and ian who just sat there eating ice cream
NeeliaBuzz: it was incredibly amusing
Shurakaina: :-) it sounds like it!
NeeliaBuzz: and i was in a flirty mood cause i was in a skirt so i would occasionally flash my leg or cross it over on scotts leg, and then take it away, and he would say "no no please, be my guest"
Shurakaina: although I've never noticed blake to revel in any testosterone
Shurakaina: lol
NeeliaBuzz: he does, but not as activly aware of it as scott is
NeeliaBuzz: blake thinks of himself as a knight in shining armor, scott thinks of himself as tim allen
Shurakaina: does he grunt?
NeeliaBuzz: *NOD*
NeeliaBuzz: he reallyl does!
Shurakaina: that's disturbing
NeeliaBuzz: it's so amusing!
ok, so if anyone asks, maruchan instant lunches CAN go bad. esp when they spend a year in your garage... yeah.. so i don't know what i'm doing about food now. i have one granola bar and i know i'm going to want that for breakfast tomorrow. *sigh* stupid perishable food.
in other news i am starting birth control pills. we'll see how that fucks with my system. i've been getting into the habit of taking my pills around 11 because i've discovered my one ruitine is watching daily show... or wanting to watch daily show... *sigh* ::insert quip about tv here:: i'm so lazy right now...
i'm oddly bored right now, and i'm pissed at myself for not blogging last night about women's ensemble theatre (aka WET) and now i've forgotten most of what i was going to say. it was wonderful tho. one of those events that you leave with the scent of hippies clinging to your clothes. i want to do a peice in it next year.
you know, i'm realizing more and more how i subconciously use bryy as a scapegoat for my anger and frustration with the world. you just seem to trigger just the right things sometimes. so basicly, don't take it personally, just stay the hell out of the way. its the analogy my dad always used when i'd complain about someone who was attacking me, he's quote the line in catch-22 "they're not trying to kill you, they're trying to kill everyone!" and just with my frustration with the world and with my life sometimes, i too become that loaded gun that you really don't want to trigger, but i don't even realize it.
::insert song "now you know" from merrily we roll along here, i'll probably post it later::
ah psych class... your key to psycho analysing EVERYTHING... oh! which reminds me *goes and gets the piece of im conversation where she was talking about it* i'm sorry people for subjecting you to reading old im's but i'm just too lazy to rewrite them in blog form. so yeah.
NeeliaBuzz: i don't know if its because i'm in a psych class or if its just cause i've been playing these games too much put i'm really noticing the differing skills each requires
DaMadFiddler: ?
NeeliaBuzz: just like, pinball requires more reflex and motor skils, and minesweeper and solitare are combination problom solving with random variables but minesweeper requires more deductive skills and solitare requires more organizational skills... kinda
DaMadFiddler: yeah...
DaMadFiddler: and what of it?
NeeliaBuzz: i dunno, i'm just noticing these things. i really don;t have the reflex motor skills for pinball, and it frustrates the hell out of me, but i'm pretty darn good at solitare
NeeliaBuzz: haven't played minesweeper enough
NeeliaBuzz: apparently when you do you get used to the patterns of numbers around mines that it gets pretty easy
Me: you still suck
Him: suck what?
Me: ... my dick
Me: wha?
Him: um...
Him: hmm
Him: Aileen, I never would have guessed!
Me: yes it's quite retractable so you didn't notice it
Me: (Him: you'll just have to wait and see :-D
Me: i was going to respond, “you suck”)
Him: ...like a rather disturbing conversation I heard in the bathroom once.
Him: I was brushing my teeth
Him: and two girls were showering (not together, of course...in separate stalls)
Him: they were having a friendly argument, it seemed
Him: and one proved her point beyond doubt,
Him: shouting in triumph:
Him: "SUCK IT, BITCH!"
Me: lol!
Him: "Suck what," the other one said, "your pussy?"
Me: lololol
Him: "Uh...yeah! Suck the hairs off my pussy!"
Me: *falls over*
Him: "No, thank you. I don't want that stuck in my teeth."
Him: and at that point I left.
Me: *giggles muchly*
Me: can i put that on my blog?
Him: yeah sure
NeeliaBuzz: backs sore, little tired, really interesting theatre experience
Shurakaina: do tell
NeeliaBuzz: it was puppet/mime stuff
Shurakaina: sweet!
NeeliaBuzz: they would make the puppets from parts of their body, dressing up their knee or they're hand and things like that
Shurakaina: penis?!?!?!?!
NeeliaBuzz: um... not this time
NeeliaBuzz: maybe in europe
Shurakaina: LOL
NeeliaBuzz: anyway, so after the performance they had the talk with the audience
Shurakaina: ooo, what about?
NeeliaBuzz: and their european. like the guy speaks spanish and italian, and the lady speaks french and italian and some spanish, and they also have a kid
NeeliaBuzz: and the kid looked maybe 5 but by behavior seemed about 3
Shurakaina: hmm
NeeliaBuzz: so he was playing with the props on stage and stuff like that and showing his dad and then showing his mom, all while they were talking
Shurakaina: :-) eee! cute!
NeeliaBuzz: i mean they were pretty good about it like one of them would talk to the audience while the other was looking at what the kid was showing, but like the kid obviously had no respect of what they were doing, and no real notion and was really distracting
NeeliaBuzz: and when the parents were at a point where they needed to say somehting to the audience and were saying like "not now" "just a minute" to the kid, he threw a complete hissy fit!
NeeliaBuzz: like i mean first he would just be a bit more persistant about getting their attention, but then he like sat down on the stool that was behind them and just SHREIKED "DADA!" and just threw a fit right there
Shurakaina: *sticking out toungue in disgust* That's awful!
NeeliaBuzz: and the mother picked him up and took him off stage but you could like hear him still from like outside!
NeeliaBuzz: it was terrible. and like the woman next to me was saying like how it was just really late, and all the jet lag and stuff
NeeliaBuzz: but also just the relationship with the parents and them always traveling and doing performances
NeeliaBuzz: it's jsut really interesting cause this is exactly what we were studying like 3 days ago in psych class.
Shurakaina: really, how would you break it down?
NeeliaBuzz: hm... maybe i'll write my paper thing on this
NeeliaBuzz: like, his relationship with his caretakers, the ways he was playing with things, his respose to the situation, things like that
i really hate how passive agressive people can get. it's gotten to the point where snl's stewart smally isn't funny because I KNOW HIM (i would link up a clip but i don't know if they're available and i'm lazy) and you really just want to smack him upside the head with a mallet but you can't, if nothing else for the fact that he'd never let it go. *sigh* this is where my potential therapy practice falls short ("potential therapy practice?" you wonder... it could happen...); i have such a short fuse with regard to people not listening to me. (back to the stewart smally analogy) despite the daily affermations, nothing happens! it's SO FRUSTRATING! RAWR!
oh my god! i just realized what movie has a ring similar to the one i just got (orb of amber just perched on the ring)! The Secret of NIMH! didn't the main mouse lady have that ring with the ruby or something! dude! i really have to see that movie again now! and i was totally feeling like it was in sword and the stone, because sword and the stone and secret of nimh were both movies that we'd borrow from our neighbor jean who lived across the street when we were kids. dude! the mind is so fucking facinating! eee!
oh side note, ian agrees that blake was a dumb ass to give me his flu. but then again, ian always thinks blake is a dumb ass.
arg! gad damn blake and his "i have the flu i shouldn't even be here right now"-yet-proceeding-to-breath-on-me-ness! my voice has like dropped two octaves and io'm getting a stuffy nose. everyone pray to the gods of advil that i will get well very very soon.
so, my day in a nutshell: 8 am section, bullshit, you'd think that a psych major would have more ability to teach that she does, but no. it feels kinda like what benn's final cut pro class must have been like. no, thats an exaderation. 10 am acting studio. with my time inbetween section and studion i checked email and wrote to john bitching and moaning about section. studio was cool, we played elbow tag again, adding our lines from the henry 5 intro to it, so we had a peice of text that we had to say TO the person we were chasing and at one point one of the new guys wasn't keeping eyecontact and just running and i stopped and said "hey!" and everyone laughed and as greg came to give his input he said "good isn't she?" and it made me happy. we also did the name game thing with the circle. i don't know why but hearing my name being said sounds almost foriegn. like why would people be saying my name, esp since with the theatre people they feel like they're nora's people, and with porter people.. well... i don't actually got to the college. but it'd say i'm pretty good friends with a lot of them. walking with elliot and verdi after class i asked what college they were at and they said college 8 and elliot said "you're at porter right?" and i paused and said "i could be at porter" cause i spend most of my time there, i basicly sleep and do homework here... and im... anyway, ate lunch at porter, ian looked terrible, couldn't tell if it was the flu bug that's going around over there or what, got into a conversation with charles and mark about anime, and they were just discribing various movies and ones they loved, and i was just sitting there like a like a clueless school girl just taking in all the information they'd give, it was wonderful, so then we went to the fireside lounge to watch anime, but had to wait for the people who were watching the soccer game to be done, and it was really amusing cause one of the announcers was scottish. i dunno we just found it amusing :)
NeeliaBuzz: happy day. it was sunny and anime filled :-D
Atra Amor: anime filled, huh? :-P never got the hang of that stuff...
NeeliaBuzz: same here, but ti was just kinda topic of discussion over lunch and they decided to watch some really hilarious random ones like this "hand maid may" series that it basicly an exuse for pantie shots galore. it's hilarious
NeeliaBuzz: and the villian person was like seriously on speed or something. it was really amusing
Atra Amor: ah, thoes kinds. totally pointless.
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: we were going to watch other ones tonight, like this one that makes my friend sob EVERY time he sees it
Atra Amor: awh. sib with sorrow or with hilarity?
NeeliaBuzz: but there was goign to be a meeting happening at that time so it's getting postmoned
NeeliaBuzz: sorrow
Atra Amor: ah.
Atra Amor: o well
NeeliaBuzz: children... dying...
Atra Amor: ...eep!
NeeliaBuzz: yeah, he was just describing the first scene and i was like curling up in my chair to protect myself
Atra Amor: awh! *hugs* maybe its a good thing its postponed...
NeeliaBuzz: and then we jsut got into discussion of movies and scenes that made us cry
Atra Amor: :-\
NeeliaBuzz: and the other girl at the table brought up dumbo...
Atra Amor: ?!
NeeliaBuzz: the scene with the mother
Atra Amor: the fuck?
Atra Amor: oooo
NeeliaBuzz: SHE'S CHAINED UP! AND CANT HOLD HER BABY!
Atra Amor: :-(
NeeliaBuzz: SO SHE CRADLES HIM IN HER TRUNK
NeeliaBuzz: and theres like a lullaby playing and its SO HEARTWRENCHING
Atra Amor: :'(
NeeliaBuzz: so yeah, we were holding eachother for comfort describing that one
Atra Amor: ...blah!
NeeliaBuzz: yeah, we;'re pathetic
NeeliaBuzz: but it was fun
NeeliaBuzz: i love porter
so yeah, after several episodes of hand maid may, i followed blake and deven over to the bookstore and dropped off stuff in my room and then looked at rings and stuff while they were in the bookstore and ended up buying myself two more rings, one with this lovely rose design that blake was saying was pretty but few people could pull it off, and then i put it on, and they kinda stared and nodded, and said "yeah, like that" and it made me happy. and i also found this amber one which was basicly like a crystal ball mounted on a ring. it was just so unique and cool i had to get it. oh yeah, and it was pretty cheap too. so yeah, it totally looks like one of those things gypsys would wear and read small fortunes from. or some anime power ring that rays of light would shoot out of when we're channeling our power. so yeah, went back to porter, played some pool, ate dinner (filipino food, college night, eggrolls that would just disappear when they came out cause they were practicly the only yummy things there) outside where it was warm and happy and some kids were flinging they're toys in the air and they'd get caught in the trees and we'd have to shake them out for them. back to the lounge for ping pong, which i suck at as a game, but am better as as in hand eye coordination and stuff than i used to be. watched music videos and things. wandered around for a bit, pondering whether to check on ian or go back to my dorm or go the arts and lecture thing. decided to come back here cause i have psych class tomorrow, so i should try to catch up with the reading. yeah. happy little day. oh! and took pictures with deven and blake when we got back before dinner on the squiggly thing. did cartwheels and stuff. blake dipped me and then gave me a rasberry on my chest. oh! and he had been running his fingers over my back earlier. it was sooo evil. but i got him back. gave him a rasberry on his belly to which he responded "whoo.. that was good" which just FORCED me to say "yeah, i give good blow jobs" blake both cracks up and looks at me like i'm crazy "ok, you KNEW that was coming. you just left it WIDE open", to which he responds "no! i didn't!" it was amusing
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
ok EVERYONE needs to take a really good introductory psycology class... and listen to pink floyd... *sings* shine on you craaaaaazy diamond
al and i have a plan. we are going to win the lottery, pay off his, neil's, adie's, and alex's parents, and use the rest for a trip to ashland together :-D benn of course coming as well. i mean, who would i have to cuddle with if the four of them were together ;) dude, that would jsut rule so much! *bounces muchly*
ok, proctor and gamble has like a monopoly over laundry detergents (went to longs yesterday, got me some other types of yeast infection treatment, see if those work better.) i think the only two brands they had that weren't p&g were "all" and "wisk" i think was the other one, and those two are made by the lever company, and i'm not sure how happy they are with animals either. anyway, but in the laundry room (talking to girls at porter about my reaccuring yeast infections, they said that often times the stuff can live in your underwear, so wash them in really hot water. i didn't feel like doing a seperate load in hot water so i just pretreated each pair before putting them in the wash. hopefully that will help) someone else had left their planet laundry detergent on the washer, which is biodegradable and not tested on animals and planet friendly and everything like that, so i may try to get that stuff when i run out of my 4 dollar thing of "all"
other random thing, i greeted someone by clicking my tounge about a week ago. it was so cool. it was over at porter, and it was one of those both opening the door from the inside and outside situations, so he comes through the door as i'm going in, and i click my tounge (not even thinking about it cause i click my tounge alot these days) and he goes ::click click:: back! it was so cool! didn't even know the guy and we greeted eachother by clicking our tounges! i LOVE ucsc
NeeliaBuzz: no, you fucker, i'm not going to leave you behind!
....(aka, discussion...)
DaMadFiddler: [takes deep but hesitant breath]
DaMadFiddler: ...all right.
*deep breath in... deep breath out...*
mom... dad... i love you... thank you so much for raising me so well... i don't think i would have been able to get through this and just getting things worked out if it hadn't been for you two... i'm just realizing that so much... children who have secure relationships with their parents are more likely to have confidence in themselve and therefore confidence and skill in their problem solving abilitys. today i think i worked through one of the more difficult social situations i think i'll ever encounter. but you know what? i worked through it. not completely on my own but I... DID... IT... i am not fucking helpless. i am normal. i'm not perfect or devoid of issues, and i'm probably not as healthy as i brag to be, but damn it, look at me.
(the following is a conversation i just had. pretty much verbatim. i'm putting it here because, well, it's a major thing losing a friend twice... esp when you thought it could work this time... just need a few reajustments, aka really not sleeping at his place...
and btw people, i'm really putting this up for myself and so i can rant and rave without people asking what happened. here's what happened. don't talk to me about it or try and get involved (*coughbryy*) this is mearly for posterity)
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!
DaMadFiddler: "I wasn't asleep"
DaMadFiddler: ?
DaMadFiddler: are you talking about that phone call?
NeeliaBuzz: well semi concious at least
NeeliaBuzz: no, actually... i'm talking about your dream...
DaMadFiddler: um...how could I NOT be asleep for that? Last time I checked, I don't have a 200-foot-tall ex.
NeeliaBuzz: well thats why we are revising that to say semi concious
DaMadFiddler: why, was I talking in my sleep?
DaMadFiddler: don't worry about that
DaMadFiddler: I do it sometimes
NeeliaBuzz: no... well.... you were grinding yourself against me...
NeeliaBuzz: ...........
DaMadFiddler: that's not funny
DaMadFiddler: Aileen...?
NeeliaBuzz: i didn't want to mention it earlier, i wasn't really sure what to make of it, it was very confusing, but... well... i'm feeling really icky about it....
DaMadFiddler: you're scaring me
NeeliaBuzz: i know
NeeliaBuzz: i'm sorry
DaMadFiddler: you ARE kidding, right?
NeeliaBuzz: no.. i'm not... you were attempting to fuck me this morning...
DaMadFiddler: uh
DaMadFiddler: .
NeeliaBuzz: .... but it is slightly releiving to knwo you weren't doing it on purpose
DaMadFiddler: .
DaMadFiddler: .
NeeliaBuzz: i talked to one of my distant friends about it cause i needed to get it out there to see what someone elses reaction was and he was feeling like you might have been awake
NeeliaBuzz: but i mean, it's not like this is the first time youv'e done somethign in your sleep...
DaMadFiddler: listen...I think I was right before in telling you to leave me alone
NeeliaBuzz: and so he pointed out that in our semiconsious states it is very hard to control our instincts...
DaMadFiddler: this is NOT headed in good directions
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: i agree
NeeliaBuzz: i still want to be friends and be able to hang out with you and stuff but we really shouldn't share a bed
DaMadFiddler: but it keeps ending up...I'm...you should just leave me alone.
DaMadFiddler: You've got plenty of other, more respectible friends.
DaMadFiddler: I make too many stupid decisions.
DaMadFiddler: Not good.
NeeliaBuzz: *nod*
DaMadFiddler: I knew right off the bat I shouldn't have invited you over last night; I was just lonely. Which made me make a selfish choice.
DaMadFiddler: Best to forget me.
NeeliaBuzz: i'm not going to do that
NeeliaBuzz: i was as much my choice to stay as it was yours
DaMadFiddler: Aileen, don't make this any harder.
NeeliaBuzz: fine
and i signed off.
i'm practicly shaking right now, shivering. my stomach is a knot, and if anyone touches me i'll either kill them or burst into tears... and i'm really not in the mood for either... benn called me and i couldn't even talk to him about it... i just feel numb...
and like i'm about to vomit...
i know, we said we'd have a new template up for the anniversary... but it's gonna have to wait. esp cause we haven't gotten our picture to a scanner, but we shall do that tomorrow hopefully, and if that doesn't work then possibly at his dad's office this weekend. i don't know what we're going to do. playing by ear.
my mood has gone from dude, "i have so much hair" to "god damn i need to cut my hair" to "ooo! look what i can do with my hair!" and now i feel pretty. i have it pinned up at the sides and i'm wearing a flowy skirt and i'm going to go downtown for a bit to get food and walk around and stuff like that. maybe buy presents for people. etc. i love santa cruz.
sold 6 peice of crap cd's to streetlight records yesterday. i got $10 store credit for them. it was rediculous. so i bought a copy of echoes and payed 20 bucks for a 30 dollar cd. i'd say thats a reasonable deal. thats how much one cd would cost at most stores with tax. so anyway, yeah, listening to pink floyd :)
it's sunny, yay! so benn is working on his shoji screens in the garage and getting sun because no sun for long periods of time make him cranky and irratable. so he's coming in and out of random doors in the house and in his room, and it doesn't seem like anyone else is home so i'm just sitting on his bed naked and reading and playing cards, and the door open's from the bathroom and i expect it to be benn but no, it's his dad. so he says woops and apologizes, he didn't realize i was here, adn i blink and say thats ok, and he closes the door. you know you spend too much time naked when your boy's dad can walk in and you don't care.
i've broken out my ani cd again :) i'll try to restrain from posting every single song lyric on it. i need to get me more music.
my interenet has been being funky recently, and i go to fix it today and low and behold it works. odd. ("go" as in set my mind to fixing it, not taking it to anyone really) i hope it stays fixed. it annoys the fuck out of me when it doesn't work. *sigh* ah computers.
i was playing pool in the porter lounge last night, not really winning or losing too many, watching tv, lounging, etc. wait thats not the begining... oh yes! i participated in a bitchfest last night, it was delightful. we couldn't really find a stable location so we were kinda wandering around a bunch. first to susan's room, then morgan's then over to blakes room where we kidnapped him as our token boy, and then went to derek's room and hung out and bitched and talked and got silly, but then we got kicked out by the boys for poker night. morgan and susan tried to steal a cherry coke, which turned into a far more physical struggle than it needed to be :D ah what we'll do to get in physical contact with each other. i wasn't as huge a participant in all of the above as i make it sound. i was kinda low on my medication and waiting for it to kick in. but it was still amusing. when blake finally got the coke back he held it in the air and said "alright, i'll give it to the best kisser..." and i was really tempted to test out my abilities and i probably would have had i been in a different mood and if susan weren't trying to seduce blake and i didn't want to make complications in that. anyway so we then wandered over to the dinning hall to catch tresha after she finished rehersal and i talked to morgan for a bit while we were waiting for that to happened and explained my old situation with bryy and jonathan and my boys in highschool in general and got delightfully giggly talking about how cute and sweet benn is, and once again got worked up about katy stealing my thunder and emotional about seeing jonathan again. i'm doing better with the whole situation but recounting the story just brings up the emotions that were happening at the time again and it was hard. so then they got into singing folk songs and playing heart and soul on the piano so i wandered over to the lounge and played a bit of pool and did a bit of reading and stuff, aka what i wrote at the begining of this paragraph. and around 10:30 sean, alan, and ian bring in the nightmare before christmas on dvd (cue much jumping up and down and giggling on my part, which in the middle of a pool game is not the best for one's concentration on shots) so we watched that. i heart that movie so much. i ended up leaning on ian cause i needed a shoulder to rest on cause i was tired and cause i needed someone or something to sqeeze during the happy exciting parts. must... see... more... tim burton... so yeah, then i came home and watched tv for an hour or so in the lounge here and then played much frustrating pinball on my computer, broke out the ani cd, switched to solitare for a while, went to bed :)
workshop today with the travelling jewish theatre people who are performing for the santa cruz arts and lectures series. fun stuff. reminded me of the ashland people. mostly because the only workshop things i've done have been with ashland people. *really wants to be in ashland right now* benn and i should go up to san francisco this weekend
my nails are really long right now. like longer than they've been in years. mostly cause i can't find my nail clippers but also because i havn't felt like cutting them. the last time my nails were this long i ended up hurting myself accidentally. i was getting out of the shower and flipping the towel to around my back and wrapping it around my shoulders i managed to scratch myself and scath off a sizable amount of skin (for a scratch that is). i think i may still have a faint scar from that on my shoulder. i want more scars. my scars all fade away. kinda. *thinks about that* whatever. point is, long nails, benn enjoys them, i'm starting to bite at them a little bit but just at the edges where they seem to break. maybe i can redo my nail polish, that'll protect them a bit.
i'm starving. i really should have just gone back to bed after i woke up at 9:30 pm from my five hour nap. *growls* stupid... stupid... aim...
now i have to pee *goes off in search of snackie things* ooo! benn left his easter candy here! yippie!
everyone i'm talking to right now, sans jonathan, is in a really foul mood... :-/
benn had to go home today. it was so wonderful having him around here all the time :-D
NeeliaBuzz: i had an 8 am section today, followed by a 2 hour acting studio (>:P)
NeeliaBuzz: but then benn and i went to lunch at a really yummy cafe, which made it all better :-)
NeeliaBuzz: but then he had to leave :-(
NeeliaBuzz: but i got his leftover food :-)
NeeliaBuzz: but then they didn't have my size denim bodice at this store i wanted to get it from :-(
NeeliaBuzz: but then i came home and ate the leftovers on the buss :-)
NeeliaBuzz: my life: a greek play
NeeliaBuzz: actually i'm not sure if that fortunatly-unfortunatly style is actually greek, but i seem to remember in elementary school my little sister's class doing a performance of that as a greek play of some sort
CornTOWM: hehehe
ah the joy of cutting and pasting from im. yeah, that was kinda my day. i checked email as well. email is being really weird on my computer, don't know why, it just won't load my messages. so i checked it in the theatre arts lab, and really completely forgot that benn was meeting me at the... place with the stuff...
*aileen wanders away from computer, comes back maybe three hours later, realizes she hasn't posted it yet* ... oh well
ok, so i didn't get cast in chautauqua, but i did get a call back for the mary kay show which is going to be preformed in latin (more on that later, i seem to be saying that phrase a lot), and there are still available small parts in chautauqua so i talked to and emailed the people about that and got this email back which makes me SO happy ande giddy and giggly i feel so wondeful and yay! eeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my aunt is getting married! weee!!!
Subj: Re: crystal valley extra
Date: Mon, 1 Apr 2002 7:15:51 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: Terodactyl
To: NeeliaBuzz
aileen-
i would be delighted to have you as one of the powerwalkers (the physical
extras). you did a great audition. i know that the callbacks for mary kay's
show are tonight from 7-10, but if for some reason you're done early or not
needed until later in the callbacks, we're having a getting to know you type
meeting at 7:30 tonight in the black box theatre. whether you can make the
meeting or not, if you want a place in my show, you've got it. :)
-melissa
p.s. i've already suggested to shay that he try to get you for on the bus.
part two.
i don't know why but i am scared shitless about the cast list and the possiblity i'm not on it. i have back up options, i can do tech, i can try out for the production thats in latin, other stuff can happen, i just FUCKING HATE REJECTION AND THAT FEAR OF LOSING SOMETHING YOU LOVE and i'm stressed and tight and tired and probably should eat something right now instead of typing and dwelling on my fears and depressions. i dunno, i just got really depressed last night after reading bryy's lj. i had had a wonderful day with benn. i had slept like all day after an evening of video games at porter and playing pool at 2 am after getting food at jack in the box, and we got dinner at the yummy mexican place downtown and then went and saw panic room (damn cool movie people, reeeeeeaally well done, more on that later) and snuck into the rookie afterwards (good movie to not pay for. very typical disney, but decent compared to other. OH MY GOD! but there was this part wheree the kids were around a computer and the son is sticking post it notes on the side of it, and he's written two capital k's and stuck them up and the shot was of him sticking a third k below the other two! and this took place in texas! he was writing KKK!!! OH MY GOD! it was so freaky! i mean it was probably meant as he was in kindergarden and practicing his letters or something but COME ON! thats disturbing!) got home and read a few blogs and just like went WHUMP mood wise, it was terrible. alright, time to get dressed and go to class. benn is here :)
PhoenixSpirit001