Heals The Original Dryness

and the pain continues...

(the following is a conversation i just had. pretty much verbatim. i'm putting it here because, well, it's a major thing losing a friend twice... esp when you thought it could work this time... just need a few reajustments, aka really not sleeping at his place...
and btw people, i'm really putting this up for myself and so i can rant and rave without people asking what happened. here's what happened. don't talk to me about it or try and get involved (*coughbryy*) this is mearly for posterity)

GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!!!!

DaMadFiddler: "I wasn't asleep"
DaMadFiddler: ?
DaMadFiddler: are you talking about that phone call?
NeeliaBuzz: well semi concious at least
NeeliaBuzz: no, actually... i'm talking about your dream...
DaMadFiddler: um...how could I NOT be asleep for that? Last time I checked, I don't have a 200-foot-tall ex.
NeeliaBuzz: well thats why we are revising that to say semi concious
DaMadFiddler: why, was I talking in my sleep?
DaMadFiddler: don't worry about that
DaMadFiddler: I do it sometimes
NeeliaBuzz: no... well.... you were grinding yourself against me...
NeeliaBuzz: ...........
DaMadFiddler: that's not funny
DaMadFiddler: Aileen...?
NeeliaBuzz: i didn't want to mention it earlier, i wasn't really sure what to make of it, it was very confusing, but... well... i'm feeling really icky about it....
DaMadFiddler: you're scaring me
NeeliaBuzz: i know
NeeliaBuzz: i'm sorry
DaMadFiddler: you ARE kidding, right?
NeeliaBuzz: no.. i'm not... you were attempting to fuck me this morning...
DaMadFiddler: uh
DaMadFiddler: .
NeeliaBuzz: .... but it is slightly releiving to knwo you weren't doing it on purpose
DaMadFiddler: .
DaMadFiddler: .
NeeliaBuzz: i talked to one of my distant friends about it cause i needed to get it out there to see what someone elses reaction was and he was feeling like you might have been awake
NeeliaBuzz: but i mean, it's not like this is the first time youv'e done somethign in your sleep...
DaMadFiddler: listen...I think I was right before in telling you to leave me alone
NeeliaBuzz: and so he pointed out that in our semiconsious states it is very hard to control our instincts...
DaMadFiddler: this is NOT headed in good directions
NeeliaBuzz: yeah
NeeliaBuzz: i agree
NeeliaBuzz: i still want to be friends and be able to hang out with you and stuff but we really shouldn't share a bed
DaMadFiddler: but it keeps ending up...I'm...you should just leave me alone.
DaMadFiddler: You've got plenty of other, more respectible friends.
DaMadFiddler: I make too many stupid decisions.
DaMadFiddler: Not good.
NeeliaBuzz: *nod*
DaMadFiddler: I knew right off the bat I shouldn't have invited you over last night; I was just lonely. Which made me make a selfish choice.
DaMadFiddler: Best to forget me.
NeeliaBuzz: i'm not going to do that
NeeliaBuzz: i was as much my choice to stay as it was yours
DaMadFiddler: Aileen, don't make this any harder.
NeeliaBuzz: fine

and i signed off.

i'm practicly shaking right now, shivering. my stomach is a knot, and if anyone touches me i'll either kill them or burst into tears... and i'm really not in the mood for either... benn called me and i couldn't even talk to him about it... i just feel numb...
and like i'm about to vomit...