Heals The Original Dryness

*collapses* i was just playing truth oir dare black jack and poker with the girls across the hall. i had to drink a shot of vodka. i just had a little sip, but man... anyway, i chases it with 4 or 5 rasberry newtons and felt slighly normaler (yes thats a word, b/c i said so). i need to go to bed.

i was at the metro station reading twilight and i realized i was really upset over something, like one of those sensory flashbacks, but i couldn't figure out if it was something i was reading or what. my mid was going all over the place and i couldn't remember what had triggered this icky emotion. i looked up from my book and i remembered i had just been looking at this couple, and the girl was just drapped over the boys lap and she was giggling and they were playing with each others hands. and it made me think of tom.

we had played a highly intense game of air hockey. we were fairly even in skill. they were good games. it was fairly obvious we were attracted to each other. second game ends, i go to give him a high five, he slips his arms around me, big hug, sort of falling dancing around, leaned back and looked at him with my arms around his waist. kissed. it was so amazingly gentle... i had never thought someones lips could be that soft... smiled, gathered up my bag, we went downstairs holding hands. outside the arcade were walking with arms around the others waist, "just watch this will be the moment i run into bryy...", precautionarily slipped our arms out of that position. that was the essense of the amazingness of tom. there was so much knowledge and experience there. so many times when we didn't even have to communicate, it just happened, reacted to those voiceless feelings. if i had kept that, that ability to follow those voiceless feelings, life would stay good. i think that was the thing with bryy. there was too much other STUFF going on in my head that i felt i had to pay attention to for the sake of the situation, and my feelings got covered up and ignored and blocked out or mistaken or something. either way, when ever i think of that following afternoon with telling bryy and then trying to pacify him by taking him to see tom, i get a sick feeling. just that feeling of, i could have done that better, i didn't do that right, and things fucked up because i wasn't listening to what my feelings were saying. this is society, this is social standards, covering up that basic instict and knowledge we have of a situation. those feelings that sit there even after your mind has moved on.