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warning: much babbling in this blog. to save you time if you need it, i basicly talk about how i don't know what to do with my life; there are so many choices. moral of the story by the end: one step at a time... calm down... despite how short life seems, there really is time. "hey kids. don't do everything at once. cause then you'll just fall down. :D" )
ho-ly shit. 5 days. waaaaaaay too much to do. *deeeeeeeep breath...* but first thought first:
i am having a "what the fuck am i gonna do when i grow up", but not the "i have no idea" empty kind. the MENTAL FUCKING OVERLOAD KIND. i really like the first graders in my K-1 class i'm assisting in. they're nice and mellow compared to the kindergardeners, and i can very much see myself as a first grade teacher. i would also LOVE to grow up to be just like mrs. mckee or ms. hof, who are wonderful wonderful people, and i love history, and if i had to teach a certain subject, i have a certain passion for history; it's a sort of story telling, and i love telling stories. i don't know how good i am, but i'm certainly enthusiastic (you've all heard me talk... btw, the story below i will probably be recounting to everyone i talk to, i'm just getting it down in writing for prosperity)
then there's the actual reality of these things: tho first graders are wonderful wondeful people, they are at such an age where the maturity of two kids who have a 5 month age difference varys DRAMATICLY! i got to teach some today. we were doing patterns. it was so interesting to see how they saw things (people love to see what people do -ragtime) and just with they're attention spans and the difficulty of the pattern i was doing, i had to basicly go to each of them individually to explain it. i was working with a really bright group, so i didn't want to give them anything too easy, but they really didn't see the ABCBABCBA pattern so i changed it to ABBCBBABBC so they could see it better, and even then i had to go to each individually and have them "explain" the pattern, and have them guess what would come next before they really got it and could do the same pattern with different colors. and like just right now while i'm writing about it i'm thinking of different ways i could have approached it. DAMN IT! when i'm not given directions on how to do somehting i have to make it up as i go along and then it takes a really really long time, and life is so short i have no idea how i'm goign yo gat everything done that i want to, or what to do in the time that i have!
side track: i was just thinking i should have had my senior event program prediction be "teaching third grade. shaping the mind of a new generation. no long afraid to get on with my life and off medication" but i don't know how many people would have gotten the reference...
so i was thinking about the experience above while i was walking to my ortho appt. which turned out not to be, i got it a day early and an hour late, so i guess it was good that i went todayy *shrug* and walking abck i wsa thinking about how i'd also like to be just like mrs. mckee and ms. hof, but from what i've done with teaching in those classes, i really just ramble on and on talking fairly fast about subjects that maybe half the people think are interesting. and with highschool history classes i'd really have alot of reading to do, and i'm not always good with the whole reading thing. and my students probably wouldn't be either so i'd really HAVE to do the reading for them so i could recount it in class so they'd get the information in them in SOME manner or another. so maybe i should do middle school history, thats alot more fo the basic overveiws of many different cultures and going over general history so i'd get to tell lots of storys but not have to have them go too in depth. and middle schoolers are pretty nice, but they are in one of the most transitional, confusing, fucked up times in their lives (ah the joys of puberty) and i don't know how good i'd be with handling them (hm... that'll be something to think about and possibly get more experience with. my only experience teaching middle schoolers was dance class with mrs. haney, and that was basicly once a week. so i could really do theater stuff with middle schoolers fairly well. but being a drama teacher is a whole nother subject, and one that i would LOVE to do, but once again, it would be at an age where i ould easily be doing a horrible job and they wouldn't let onto it unless it was behind my back... again, something i'll have to work on and figure out.) and also with middle and highschool teachers, the ones who have had their own kids are usually better with handling and understanding their students, so i'd have to have kids of my own, which would mean i'd have to be married (i'm sorry, but i doubt i'd be able to handle being a single mother, i'd burn out before they were 3) and THAT has a lot of factors to go into it. AAAAAA!!!!!
anyway the point is that there are SO many variables that would go into just deciding WHAT KIND of teacher to be, and then i start thinking about the thousands of OTHER career choices i'd like to try, and all the things i'd like to learn about in school and the things i want to do in the rest of my life; i'm having mental overload. if we go into quantum physics theorys, i'm creating maybe 17,000 new universes, because i have so many different choices and possibilitys right now. AND I WANT THEM ALL!!! i WANT to pursue lives with everyone i love. i WANT to teach first grade and observe children in their still impressionable stage. i WANT to teach middle school and slip in those last few lessons before they stop listening for 3 or 4 years. i WANT to perform for people who would give there time to sit and watch me for an hour or more. i WANT to *control* what those people who would sit and watch something for an hour or more would see, and i'd want them to be affected by it and say "wow" and then go talk about it in good ways. i LIKE walking down a street anywhere where i feel at home and recognizing people. i want to experience EVERYTHING! and it's just all feeling VERY VERY RUSHED and like its too much for me to do, and that i won't get it all done and i'm going to and i have missed so much. and i need to do more! but it's too much! AAA!!!
*sigh* recounting all these thoughts to one fo the other k-1 teachers i had to just take a breath and say, "you know what, i should really just go to college and be a college student for now. thats really what i need" ...so i think i'll do that; i really can't fit my entire life into the next 5 days.
