Heals The Original Dryness: 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
4.29.2005
why do i seem to be attracted to the emotionally fucked up ones. why do i think that i would be able to actually fix anything. that maybe some special part of me could reach out and touch that needy part of them. moody depressed angry male, really should be in therapy, totally had his sensitive side crushed and doesn't seem to be in any huge hurry to really rebuild, doesn't seem to know what to do with or how to handle his hormonal side, so when i ask, "hey that make out session? how much was that you just being horny vs actually having an attraction to me?" he just throws up his drunken hands and says he can't deal with this shit and "lets slow down" quickly turns to "can we just not do that anymore?" none of which answers my "how much of this should i take personally?" question. i guess the answer is probably "none". i do still have the desire to double check. "i shouldn't be taking any of this personally, right?" god that would improve his mood. further push him into the "i hate women" realm. can't blame him, we are rather insane. what i wouldn't give to know what he was like before that bitch fucked him up. he's got issues, what am i supposed to do? nothing. nothing at all. silly control freak nature... "sorry to aggrivate your mood, hun" sorry to exist when it wasn't convenient for you. sorry for not knowing when it was a bad time to bring up a sensitive issue that i've been avoiding bringing up for a few days now cause i feared just the reaction that i got. i should have brought it up when it happened. just called him on it right then, had the conversation then. would have been in person at that time.
if this turns into a trend, this doesn't boad well for running into jordan tomorrow at timothy's. if i do that is. he might not be there. who knows.
i ran into zack today. probably freaked him out a bit cause i was in one of my "what does it all mean?" moods. or at least i got back into one when he asked "hows it going?" and i proceeded to explain my struggle with the paper topic for "mystical journey of life". i don't do small talk, sorry hun. he's still really hot...
...speaking of hot, i went by don's room today ...weapons... when am i going to jump that boy?
some sn's have been changed to protect the innocent NeeliaBuzz: why am i amused by the "cli·to·ral /'kli-t&-r&l/ or cli·tor·ic /kli-'tor-ik," part JRB: That last one doesn't sound right... JRB: klitorik? JRB: Seriously? NeeliaBuzz: maybe cause its awfuly close to "choloric JRB: How are guys supposed to find it when we're too confused trying to pronounce it! JRB: Ew... NeeliaBuzz: lol JRB: You have a choloric clitoris! NeeliaBuzz: quick! use some chloric acid NeeliaBuzz: or something chloric JRB: Is it a long term problem? JRB: Because then it would be a chronic choloric clitoris. JRB: Of course, if it was placed wrong in the body, it might be a chronic choloric colonic clitoris NeeliaBuzz: *laughing way too hard* JRB: Say that one five times fast... JRB: out loud... JRB: in public
i think my reading of certain females livejournals is simply a strange form of masocism. i really shouldn't and i regret it immediately after i do but somehow i can't stop myself before it happens. its just a "i really shouldn't have done that..." sort of thing. ignorance is bliss. moving to canada would be fun.... get away from it all... i don't think you can outrun the concept of drama tho, that seems like something that will follow wherever you go
holy shit, jacket boy is back from the dead. friend of mine apparently ran into him at some gig in san jose and they got to talking and with the whole santa cruz/theatre connection this friend had, apparently my name came up. less than 24 hours later, i receive an IM. *choir of angels sing*
unfortunately, at that very moment, i was discovering that mike was not at home and that i really should have called before i came over and realized this meant i was going to have to walk to base of campus and attempt to hitch a ride from there to get to chautauqua meeting, where mike turned out to be... i proceeded to curl up into a ball and cry because i had been having a very bad afternoon evening day and was once again questioning how worth it this world is and if it mattered if i was in it or not and what an insignificant aimless speck of dust i was in this universe...
but i'm better now. after rehearsal i made another attempt at mike's house to find that he was just starting a group quest on world of warcraft, so i sat and watched the expedition. its been a while since i've just sat and watched video games, it was nice, its a different form of entertainment, esp with mike on headset talking to his housemate upstairs, providing a sort of running commentary, thats really what makes watching video games worth it, the people playing going "SHIT! SHIT! GET OUT OF THERE! RUN DUDE!"
look at that... i wrote a blog entry... i haven't had the drive to do that in a while, and thats been very frustrating. its also frustrating and sad because i'm supposed to be journaling on a regular basis for at least two of my classes, i probably should be journaling my directing saga too, but i just have had no physical ability to write recently. when the mind is willing the body is collapsed. then visa versa. bleh. but hey, mike still likes me, and tomas came back from the dead, and brian is coming to josie's show with me this weekend, and dan would have come to timothy's party with me but he had other plans already, and max is a sweetie, so i guess life's not too bad.
le crazy ringtones (well all of them really, but these are ones i would consider) hall of the mountain king i dream of jeannie linus and lucy muppet show theme pink panther theme seseme street theme
they have a few hedwig ringtones, i find them incredibly bizzare
if i lived alone, i don't think i'd ever wear clothes. and i'd probably live naked if i lived with a boyfriend. i was reminded of that the other day, sitting naked after sex, he was in a robe, but i was really enjoying that freedom. and you know, reveling in the endorphins.
so it turns out we could have printed revised scripts last week... and that i need to have rough blocking by next week... and we need to run thru the show for our writer, who's final version is technically due this week...
and tomorrows 4/20 and i don't want to get high and i have too much work to do, and i haven't done my therapy homework and i didnt cancel my appt for tomorrow and i wanted to cause i don't have any new stuff to talk about this week, just the same silly boy issues and me being an image concious freak, and i'm just not in the mood/ready to dive deeper right now, and it feels like a waste to just be saying the same things over and over again and spending money on it and crap like that, and i feel divided and stretched thin and lost and "congradulations, isn't freedom frightening" and seeing tent U footage from last night and people yelling and screaming and police in roit gear and strangling and choke holding people and so few people being there today, and mike not talking to me right now, and being in a totally insecure mood and not knowing what the hell is going on, and feeling like i've been told that i'm going about directing my play wrong and really all i can do is blame not having a script if i had had a script i would have been doing more along the lines that people were suggesting, i had the right instincts just not the means to do it and fuck this shit i'm moving to canada.
the fucked up shit: i didn't get into 5th year. no idea if its because of me or because i was late in getting my transcript over there.
i thought my phone was broken. for a while, it was refusing to ring, make noise, etc. when it was not in silent mode. so i order a phone. fuck, i'll finish this story later.
i need to wake up tomorrow. so i need to set an alarm. and i need to make it an alarm that is annoying and won't go off and so i have to get out of bed and cross the room to turn it off. thus starting my day with my first emotion being complete and utter annoyance.
i found my bathing suit in the back of one of my drawers. i pass by it everyday when i get underwear, maybe its cause i'm almost out of underwear that i notice it now. it made me really sentimental for summer. i want to be wearing a swimsuit. i want to be wearing that swimsuit. its a very sexy suit, in a cute modest way, very 50's esq. i want to be wearing it for someone, showing it off, just reveling in cuteness, but someone else there with me, enjoying summer, freedom, love
to do: write director concept send graduation slide show pictures work on mapping out blocking schedule call mike, get ari's info, arrange meeting buy milk, bread, nutella (available at tj?), juice from tj read stuff for seminar see shows
aileen: i just had one more thought i wanted to share ethan: hm? ai: this fucking individualist society e: uh...huh...? ai: basically tonight i was in a position where i was basically bluntly asking for companionship and feeling incredibly scared and vulnerable and silly for doing that e: no need to feel silly ai: and i was thinking about that and just like how it is so ingrained in us, in me at least, that i need to be independant and be able to survive on my own and not need a relationship and shit like that e: right. well, it's needed at times, but not all the time. ai: but you know what, we are social creatures, and there is nothing wrong with me for functioning better when i have someone else around to support me and appriciate me and help the world seem like less of a painful alone place that is scary and fucked up e: i agree ai: but yeah the feeling scared and silly asking for companionship when really its somethign that more people should be comfortable asking for cause i think we'd be more happy that way, but its the whole stigma of "asking for help" and "why can't you just survive on your own and be happy?" and really thats bull shit man... e: i completely agree with you e: (although, as a guy, i'm not supposed to) ai: yeah, guys are never supposed to ask for directions e: nope ai: *sigh* fucking american society.... e: amen
I CAST A SHOW!!!! and i only had one meltdown, and it was fairly early in the night and it got worked out and i got the dude i wanted. and i feel icky for randomly casting this guy at the end of the night just cause i needed a boy, he didn't have the best audition, but on the way home i remember that i did ask him to flail about at auditions and he did it, so thats a good sign. and i ended up having to cast this boy that i was hoping i wouldn't have to, but i needed the boys. but yeah i feel icky about casting guys just cause their guys, cause thats never going to happen to a girl, but thats the way it was written, and it sucks, and i hate that i'm now propagating that process but i don't have much of a choice... bleh... ah well, it's going to be great, i'm really excited, i have a great cast, i'm takin this all one step at a time, got time and people to help me, i'm excited.
