Heals The Original Dryness

i'm becoming rather disconnected to my past and plunging frighteningly into the future. yet only the next two years are certain, fairly remotely so but i do think that i'll probably be in school and living in santa cruz and doing some theatre stuff. but what happened to my casti people? what happened to all those friends i made thru benn? what'll happen to all those ucsc friends who have graduated? most of this is coming to fruition because of my aim buddy list. so many people on that i really don't talk to. i just have them on as a "huh, they're online, interesting" because i'm a control freak and need to know who's where when and who's talking to whom when and stuff like that. but whats the point if they're totally no longer a part of my life?
*goes ahead and deletes a bunch of names off my co-workers (aka just spying, seeing if they're online, we never talk) list* alright, we're moving forward

the past cannot be changed. therefore it cannot be controlled. i accept this. i enjoy dwelling in memories because they are enjoyable and i like seeing where i've been.
the present is forever dynamic. i try to make the most of it and enjoy my opportunities when they occur.
the future is fucking scary. despite what people say "the future is in your own hands" its complete bullshit. there is no way of completely controlling the future. even if one tries, one is only controlling maybe 45% of it. so much is beyond our control. i don't like feeling that. i dont like feeling hopeless, useless, unable to control things, its scary, its frustrating, and the most i can do once i accept that something is beyond my control is to try to avoid it so i avoid the frustration of being helpless, etc.
i have problems. i don't know what to do about them. most of the time these days, i'm pretty much avoiding them. but every once in a while they stare me in the face, and i can mearly cower and cry