Heals The Original Dryness

can't sleep, clowns will eat me
 
no, can't sleep, mind racing, one of those nights where it just won't shut up and for some reason every single embarassing moment is just going thru my head all at once, and no covering my face with a pillow isn't helping. so i get up and write online and talk with people who are still up, and continue to fuck up my sleep schedule
 
ari called me this morning! it was really exciting, i totally wasn't expecting to hear from him til tomorrow (or today rather) and it just made me really happy. he just awakes a power of energy in me. the feeling that i could touch him even tho he's blank many miles away. doesn't make up for the fact that i can't hug him but at least i know (or sometimes know) that he can feel it.
 
i'm trying to imagine or remember what it would feel like to not have everything be completely uncertain in my life. currently the only certainty i can think of is that i will be spot op for tamer tamed. but like what i'll be doing tomorrow, when i'll get laundry done, how ari and i are doing, if jacket boy will ever call, when i'll go home and celebrate my birthday with my parents, if james and i are going to move, how i can make this place better if we don't move, how to resolve the differences james and i have over this place, and my body has just been all out of wack, i lost my reading glasses so i'm getting eye strain headaches all the time, i'm totally not getting enough excercise, i'm not eating well, my sleep cycle i think is officially fucked, i'm lonely and depressed and i don't know what to do with myself because i don't know what i'm doing! ever! and then i have nights like this where i look back and go "what the fuck have i BEEN doing?" and it just degenerates me into a pile of aching crap that has no energy or drive to do anything.
 
and theres a big stinking pile of dishes in and around the sink that just depresses me everytime i look at it.