sometimes i fear if i've really documented everything i wanted/ment to document. i have random moments and memories that right now feel like they could be in there somewhere forever, and i almost have a fear that if i didn't document them here, someday, i might be looking through these and rereading them, and my memories will be completely remolded depending on which stories i chose to write down back here, those will be the one i will be allowed to remember down the line. the stories i'm passing on to my future self. have i documented the ones i've wanted to? i'm not sure. there are so many times that i'll be thinking about blogging but i won't blog because i have to work and i must resist the urge to procrastinate, but the truth is, i then end up getting barely anything done. i've produced so much on this blog tonight. i don't know how much is going to be comprehensible tomorrow. if that earlier one is going to be one of those philsophical blogs that i put down and then never really go backto so eventually it fades and i'm almost afraid to look at it cause i fear that it will be too confusing, too convaluted and my faint recolection of the idea will be further smudged. i feel like these free writing phases i go through should just stay as such. preserved in that little recollection of a train of thought mold in my head, i'm just typing out of habit, and because i would be talking to other people- no, because this is far more permanent than simply verbably telling it to someone, or to simply be lying in bed with these thoughts going through your mind, preventing you from falling asleep. i feel like i'm just sitting here typing in that frame of mind. i could be thinking these exact same things just lying in bed, but instead i'm sitting at my computer waiting for my crotch to stop burning and wanting to know why my crotch is burning in the first place and wanting some way to fix it but having it be four in the morning so i can't do anything, and i can't sleep cause my mind is still producing thoughts that are just begging to get loose from their incomprehenible cage of neurons and chemical reactions that leave me more confused and awake and causeing them to work harder. *sigh* i smell of sickness too. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i not healthy? *gets out the little tampon insert thing to check if her symptoms are that of toxic shock syndrom* hm.. the first thing it says is sudden high fever. i don't think i have a sudden high fever. so it doesn't look like toxic shock syndrom. it's simply a bladder infection and a sore throat because it's cold outside and i've probably been yelling to much and not taking care of upper half either. fuck.
see this is why i never go to sleep. i have the above times five happening in my head every single night. my mind just continually avoiding what it needs to think about and focus on, i.e. HOMEWORK, essays, and reading, and just fumbling around in circles about this and that and the other thing in absolutly no kind of rationaly organized order or anything. i have shallow deep thought. instead of going on and on about the gossip and social interactions at an uneduacated level of knowlege about their motives and backgrounds (really not pointing fingers at readers, just random blogs i've clicked on in the "recently updated" list that had interesting names) and instead go on and on at an uneducated level about the workings and wirings of my head, or philisophical like thoughts that feel like the deepest things in the world to me, but kant or neitzche would find elementary. it jsut takes me longer to chew and swallow my ideas and ideas that are fed to me. no thats a bad analogy cause them sometimes i chew and then stop chewing and the thing jsut desolves and disappears (hm, maybe this anaogy works) or i chew and produce something half-way intellegent, but then since i had spent too much time chewing that thought, i have to imidiatly stuff my mouth with another one, but i really want to conintue chewing the thought i was getting somewhere with but i can't and my energy and focus is all over the place and i don't produce anything. *sigh*
if only i could do this much train of thought writting with my essays. i just never seem to be able to sustain the thought through getting myself set up and comfortable in front of a computer with a word document open on it. *sigh* it's the lack of writing that distracts me. it gets my mind all worried about word counts and filling the pages and then i'm not thinking about my ideas and my point. with this i have no bounderies. i'm just writing cause i feel like it and because i happen to be in a mode where my fingers are moving across the keyboard in tandem with my thought. i think this part of my brain is just more readaly connected to my output circutry. it just doesn;t seem like my formulated intellectual section of my brain, i.e. the part that has to write essays, is as readily connected to my writting output section. it's certainly connected to my oral output. i can go on quite intellegently for hours about my ideas and theorys, but theres something about having to sit down and physically write it and know that it will eventually have to be ORGANIZED that i just don't handle well. it's my predictably stumbling block. and as a result, i anticipate it, and why set out runing if you know your going to fall flat on your face in a couple paces. anyway, hence my lack of motivation and complete aviodence of my tasks. from the habit of constant failing, i fear the task. and never seem to be able to attribute my successes to the task. or attribute a possible better structure as being a way to lessen the power of the stumbling block.
i seem to be quitessentially devided into the characters from waking life: "he's no better than we are. he's all action, no theory. we're all theory and no action." those are the two sides of me. my poles that i seem to get stuck at either end of, and never seem to be able to sustain a balance in. i can't even comfortably use that metaphore cause half the point of my core essay is about how western culture sucks for making us think in linear poles, when the asian really had it down with the circular nature of it all. and i keep feeling like if we had started with that as our base of knowlege and as our way of thinking, we would be able to get much deeper into the concept instead of using sdo much of our brain power converting lines into circles. that in itself is such a deep concept, it makes iot more difficult to see what is beyond it. (wow. just after i typed that i went into organized analytical mode, and i suddenly couldn't type my thoughts any more. they were too scattered random, unconnected.ABSTRACT. it was all abstract non verbal images going through my head. how the hell am i supposed to type words when i'm not even thinking in words yet. this is why explaining my ideas out loud helps me clear them up so well. *sigh* i'm going to sleep)
