dear self
you have to wake up at 7:30 these days to be able to get to work at 9. do not stay up til 2. it is a bad idea. tell the nice people on aim that you have to go to bed at midnight and as much as you'd love to go into emotional baggage with someone you haven't talked to in over 6 months, you really need to go to bed. so do that. you'll thank me later.
-self
i feel so old. all i want to do is curl up with a book and go to sleep early. but its solstice. and i'm 21, and will be 22 in exactly a month. but i'm really tired, i've been up since 7:20 and i spent all day fixing cable and in the afternoon we had a project of sauldering all these 2fers that weren't sauldered so i did and it was really fun and i was sad when i had nothing left to saulder, so we had to put the connecters back on the ends but some of the 2fer ends wouldn't fit in their casings, and i had one that didn't want to screw shut, and then i was testing one before it got put back on the rack and two of the circuts crossed, so we basically have a pile of 2fers i fucked up. or we fucked up, they need to be fixed and so we will have to continue work on them tomorrow. blarg! so unsatisfying! and it had such promise of being a satisfying day. now i'm just tired and melancholy after a very sweet gilmore girls which i'd seen before but its a good episode and i like it anyway. i feel like i should rent a movie...
i am now offically employed by the university. after much ado, i got paper work filled out, got to campus, got all orientated, lots of familiar faces, lots of new faces, lots of nice people tho. i missed mike, he would have fit right in. i feel like if we worked together we wouldn't hang out much outside of work as much, and that it would be a challange for me at least to be just completely professional at work and seperate that from any kind of relationship outside... i feel like a certain amount of our chemistry is in the mystique
so during our orientation tour, we were being introduced to the mondo power cables that will power all of the dimmers in the glen. and there were supposed to be two of them. but one of them wasn't there. it seemed to have been cleanly cut off with a saws-all about 2 or 3 feet from the power box. and it was general concensus that this was not supposed to have happened. so by lunch, bill b. comes in and says DH is going to get a police report filed, and we spend the next part of lunch discussing why the heck people would steal a 5lb per foot heavy cable, copper recycling apparently, but not of the recycling facilities in the area have gotten anything of that size dropped off, so we are once again at a loss as to why the hell its gone. it was really amusing, it was incredibly surreal, and a little intimidating having all the big guns standing all around looking at this tail of a cable (theres a special name for it but i can't remember it) wondering what the hell happened.
end of day, big ol potluck, lots of food, raffle, someone else won a shirt that they already had but i didn't have one, so they gave the ticket to me. got a ride home, dave decided to come over the hill, we were going to go to the boardwalk but it was closed. i dont think business is doing well for it. and i think ticket fares have gone up. we played air hocky instead, then went to saturns, then hung out and caught up and talked and bitched about people at my place. we were supposed to go smoke out with my friend chris (who came over last night cause i knew i'd be super lonely since i had just gotten back from san jose and james was no longer around, again just hanging out, but he stayed at let me cuddle with him til i fell asleep and he left around 3 in the morning. it was a little confusing waking up in my clothes and wondering where the other person had disappeared to) but didn't work out this time. i'm friends with a lot of functional stoners right now.
mmm, must sleep now. must get myself on a 9-6 work schedule ability
i don't know what to do with myself... and it seems a lot of people are asking themselves this question... i have a lot of things to look forward to, but nothing i want to do right now. well, i can think of some things, but their not in sync with what i need to do, aka write papers of some sort. so what do i do? create drama for myself...
(note: reedeo is not his actual sn)
NeeliaBuzz: why do i react to high stress by creating social drama for myself?
NeeliaBuzz: nothing huge just personal over reactions
Reedeo: yeah?
NeeliaBuzz: and you know questioning my place in society and why do i bother and i hate people, esp girls who dress skimpy, wear too much makeup and their hair big, but don't actually have any self esteem so they have to talk everyone else down
NeeliaBuzz: and why am i so sensitive that i actually take that low self esteem reaction bullshit to heart and care what she thinks
Reedeo: im sorry
Reedeo: that doesnt sound like much fun
NeeliaBuzz: i'm just in a mood
NeeliaBuzz: but its also reading this shit on myspace or live journal or something
NeeliaBuzz: so i'm finding out indirectly and its like an indirect insult that was never supposed to actually get towards me or something
NeeliaBuzz: and she's probably joking but it still throws me
NeeliaBuzz: *shrug*
NeeliaBuzz: it them brings me to other just stupid self doubt questions and blech
NeeliaBuzz: i too do not want to write papers
i ended up not going to theater arts prom... :( things ended up being later here in san jose, bac was at 6 rather than 5, got done with dinner at 10 instead of at 9, got home at 10:30....
i find it very sad right now that i'm compiling a list of "things i didn't get to do in college" and i can think of lots of things, or maybe just 3 right now: first rain (never ran), theater arts prom, studio 3 with patty. at least "director for chautauqua" isn't on that list :) thats a comfort
things aileen has flaked out on today:
-waking up on time
-memorizing her page for class
+luckily 3 people in our group just plain didn't show up, so i didn't feel quite as bad, but patty gave me a little talking of "i'm not mad i'm just disappointed" cause she wants me to succeed and i want me to succeed too i just let me down so much... uch. i wonder how i'm going to function outside the quarter system. if just being on theatre time is going to help me, or if i fall into same patterns... that will be interesting to find out....
-writing my fucking process paper
-meeting with joey
-going to therapy
+ watched the "dress rehearsal" for the clown show that i'll miss on friday cause of josie's graduation
-watching gilmore girls (which i wouldnt have gotten to if i had gone to therapy anyway...)
now friends of mine are going to be watching a musical, don't know which one, and i really wanted to join them but i just got home and i haven't eaten and i need to write these papers and i want to go to barn trek and i was planning on working til then so it would be really bad of me to blow off my work time to continue just playing when i blew off so many things to watch the clowning show. and i might be blowing off a cast party on saturday... or blowing off jay to go to said cast party... and driving myself insane because there are just so many places to be this weekend
in an amazing feat of pheramones and chemistry... his leatherman smells like him, and it turns me on. is this a bad thing? he just smells so good, or at least has a very distinct scent which tends to linger on my clothing after i've been with him at his house, and seems to rub off on his leatherman too. i can't help it... friends with chemistry baby
