Heals The Original Dryness

i just feel so disgustingly normal right now. the relationship is closed off into this nice neat little package. whole thing didn't last much longer than 3 months, actual relationship part of it didn't even add up to 3 weeks. crazy don't even know what to call it connection, 3 weeks together, summer vacation ruins everything, painful break up. talk, yell and scream about painful break up, work to some kind of understanding, go on with our lives. all our reactions, or at least mine, were pretty much exactly as they were going to be. it fucking sickens me how predictable and normal it was. i'm supposed to avoid this kind of normalcy! but there it is, nice neat little package that has been reproduced a million times and i am no longer special for not experiencing it. and there it shall stand, like a welt in my life, never to go away, and occasionally be refered to as "oh that..." (which i hoped it wouldn't be, but in trying to acknowlege the good times we had i got a "you know i could say things right here that would make you feel a whole lot worse..." leaving it just left to my imagination, which right now, seems like the lesser of two evils, which is kinda sad) the whole thing makes me physically ill

i hate feeling this way, i hate how much i hate him, i hate that it was a disgustingly messy break-up, i hate what he's become, i hate that i was LEFT OUT of the ENTIRE process, only to be brought in at the end before it was over but late enough that i feel like a person on stage saying her lines way too late in the scene while everyone else has moved on, i hate that it feels like he doesn't care, i hate that he's an asshole, i hate that i feel responsible for turning him in to this THING