i just turned down a booty call. cause i need to stop depending on other people's expectations of me. i need to better my relationship with myself so i can trust myself rather than falling into a cyclical cycle of depending on other people for fulfillment which just ends up freaking them out and pushing them away, leaving me with the lonelyness i'm trying to avoid in the first place.
i want to email chris:
hey, you are probably very busy with new students in your dorm, and this is most likely the reason why i haven't heard from you in a couple days. however, in our last conversation you could have been subtly conveying warning that you were feeling i'm getting too attached to you and you were going to back away to avoid hurting me. well i guess i should have said at the time, hey if you want to hurt me, you'll just cut off communication leaving me to wonder what i did wrong or if it even was me and sending me off on some dead end mental tangent that can't actually be solves because communication has been cut off. i know it seems counterintuitive but if you don't want to hurt me you'll tell me straight to my face whats going on and why you feel the need to cut off whatever this is. i will understand. i will not judge you. i will appreciate your honesty, your strength to be direct with me, and i will not hate you forever. i promise.
i just need assurance that it's not me! i'm sorry, i haven't gotten my self esteem to the point where i can do that on my own. but if you tell me, i'll believe you. give me something so i can stop blaming myself.
Haiku's formerly on facebook, but i decided i wanted to go a different route after i wrote the last two and realized i was getting defensive, and don't want to have any of that on facebook, so we're changing it up a little. but i wanted to keep these around, so i copy/pasted over here, but got distracted between the two steps and was freaked out that i lost everything by copy/pasting somethign else in between. but no. we're good. yay.
i'll write haikus here they are quite fun to produce short sweet anecdotes
single white female graduating from college sleeps well with others
if i lived alone, and had a warm apartment... naked. all the time.
and now with a job and disposable income music all around
...rereading hiakus, i sound a bit like a whore, but i'm not. really.
despite what a girl said sophmore year in college... it's just affection
but we're not meant to be alone! we're meant to be with others! we do not SURVIVE on our own! babies die if they are not given physical contact! so how the hell are we supposed to feel complete within ourselves? how are we supposed to fill our own void? its not in our nature! we are denying nature. to what, make ourselves feel better? that bad feeling is there so that we work to acheive the happy place, aka find a mate and procreate. and if the ego is what gets in the way of that success, how is it supposed to help success in any other realm. how can one ever be fulfilled relying simply on this distructive ego force that knows not how to heal and promote togetherness which will create happiness and comfort. fuck that shit, fuck you ego! what the hell have you ever done for me? what have you done for anyone? now get out of here so i can have sex with this dude
"I believe that it is better to tell the truth than to lie. I believe that it is better to be free than to be a slave. And I believe that it is better to know than be ignorant."
Thank you, H.L. Mencken (no relation)
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why." -Slaughterhouse-Five
in squeezing my toothpaste onto my toothbrush this morning (it is 1 am) the initial sqeeze, due to some blockage of dried toothpaste around the opening, provided two bulbs of toothpaste. the continuing stream, being stretched along the toothbrush, became one line, and upon releasing the squeeze of the toothpaste, the last bit created a small bulg of the last of the toothpaste squeezed fromt the tube.
the result: the toothpaste on my toothbrush looked like a penis. it was delightful. i should have gotten a picture.
we're going to sasquatch! going to see wolfmother! going on a roadtrip with neil! going camping in washington! going to a really awesome music festival! happy happy joy joy!
i really hope this doesn't fuck over an unknown work schedule...
i hate patterns. actually, i love patterns, thats why i seek them and see them everywhere. but i hate this pattern. cause it doesn't bode well for me. in terms of backround boys all hooking up these days. i sense a lot of disappointment in the near future. but not direct disappointment. just the frustrating indirect kind that i can't actually do anything about because it's not a direct action towards me and therefore my reaction is rationally unjustified.
on the other hand, if this pattern is the frisky spring mating season, maybe that will work in my favor, eventually.
I said "bukak3" (spelling changed to hopefully avoid weird google hits) really loud in a japanese restaraunt. a small japanese restaraunt. where my voice was the only one going on. and we had been talking about other shit that you don't usually talk about in restaraunts but neither of us were really people with tact. and its going to get us into trouble someday. one of the old ladys that works there came over. i was so sure that she was going to kick us out of the restaraunt. i've gotten kicked out of a bookstore for talking about i think it was the french, but i think i said "fuck the french" and was asked to leave because this bitchy coworker of jonathan's got all offended. but she didn't. she just said i looked so young, and she wanted to make sure my friend that had ordered a beer was over 21. but yeah, not saying it but "you're so young, why are you talking about bukak3?"
i finally find an amazing, sweet guy, who's able to say "i'm sorry", more than once, ....and he's moves to guam
and takes way too long to get back to me, but so far he has a 6 month record to beat in terms of how long it takes a guy to call me back.
bleh, and 2 am confessions of love, no, maybe just confused feelings, never end up sounding the way i want them to. or at least reading them the next day leaves me with a "what the hell was i talking about, he's never going to understand that, you're just freaking him out and confusing him and he'll never write back now"
i hate how much this guy makes me freak out. no, he's not making me do anything, i just doubt myself, which i shouldn't, but i do.
him: hey NeeliaBuzz: hi him: how ya doin NeeliaBuzz: better him: good him: just wanted to make sure you were alright NeeliaBuzz: failed writing 1 him: oh NeeliaBuzz: yeah him: im sorry NeeliaBuzz: went home, called my mom, things'll be ok him: good NeeliaBuzz: got a ride home with christina and tommy gomez, talked to them about it, reassuring hearing from two people with MFA's that its not a huge deal NeeliaBuzz: and i should be able to take it at some community college for transfer credit next year him: yeah NeeliaBuzz: its just such an easy symbol of failure for me NeeliaBuzz: thats the main thing that upsets me about it him: well, my sympathies. NeeliaBuzz: thanks :) NeeliaBuzz: it was great, a friend of mine IMed me by chance last night and took me out NeeliaBuzz: nothing crazy, but it got me out of the apartment and around people and that was good him: nice NeeliaBuzz: was thinking of calling you when i got home at 12:30, but decided i should really go to bed cause i didn't sleep much the night before NeeliaBuzz: i had a panic attack at 4 am night before last cause i couldn't write NeeliaBuzz: i thought i was losing my mind NeeliaBuzz: finally called my parents at 5 am, my dad tried to calm me down and help me organize myself so i could do the fucking paper him: i see NeeliaBuzz: got things organized, said go get a drink of water, wash your face, and see what you cnn do NeeliaBuzz: i got some juice, stared out the window for a bit, called my dad back said i was going to liie down for a bit, can he call me in an hour, he did, i set my timer for 15 more minutes after that and proceeded to sleep thru it for a couple more hours NeeliaBuzz: so 10 am i'm still feeling myself freak out every time i think about the paper, realize, hey, that was probably a panic attack, not me losing my mind, but i'm still feeling residuals from it when i look at what i have to do and that i have no time and feeling hopeless NeeliaBuzz: so i do about 1/5 of what i need to in the time i have left, go to class anyway, forget what a crazy effect caffine has on me, am sitting there with my heart pounding in my chest and my legs practically twitching uncontrolable NeeliaBuzz: talk to the professor during break, see if its possible to take an incomplete or get more time to finish stuff, he says no you've had plenty of time, i understand you've had your drama stuff (talking about the ssc job) but i have to much i need to do as well and can't let you turn things in late, at least your taking it pass/no pass, it won't effect your gpa NeeliaBuzz: so i stick around, do my presentation simply to entertain and educate the class about broadway, talking really fast cause i'm all hyped up and want to do something different than the fucking monotone drolls that everyone else has inflicted upon us, was thinking of doing it standing on top of the teacher's desk, but sat on it instead, still different, amused people, resisted the urge to flip of the teacher and storm out of the room afterwards NeeliaBuzz: get some food at the bookstore after, walk over to theater arts, take down the clock numbers, other people show up and i realize i'm seriously falling apart and can't be around people right now, tell people i'm feeling ill and depart NeeliaBuzz: so that was my yesterday
omg, colin farrell. the man literally has more phermones than god. he can induce an orgasm with a single look. oh my god, i don't know what i would do. if seeing him unexpectedly on saturday night live reduces me to a giggling melting pile of... i don't even know! its not right i tell you!
a test to see who you are and if you actually pay attention to my blog.
i have just entered and entry that no one should ever see if they want to keep their self respect. tho not as bad as some of the shit out there, this is on par with a mild "the aristocrats" joke. i would not want this to be out there in a way that just anyone could stumble on, in fact i can think of quite a few people, even if they were curious and asked to see said post i would not show it to them because it would just be too much to their fragile little images of me. yeah, they don't have fragile little minds, but i wouldn't want to be one to deliberately callus them, at least not with this material.
i love this book, our musicals, ourselves. i suddenly understand why i didn't like grease and little shop when i was younger. because they invoke nostalgia. a nostalgia i didn't have. and in terms of grease, still don't have. little shop i think has gotten to me thru other means, nostalgia of having seen it in the past and listening to it and memories from childhood etc. plus i really like the music. its much more blatently dark. whereas grease's intended parody was so mild it basically got lost. iiiiinteresting.
i have just bought an ipod and will soon be transfering all my music files onto it. the question that begs to be asked now: what shall be the first song i listen to off my brand spanking new ipod?
NeeliaBuzz: oh my god, i had a frikken date tonight! NeeliaBuzz: must brag to someone! NeeliaBuzz: it was so normal!!! NeeliaBuzz: like how it works in sitcoms! NeeliaBuzz: it was really nice! NeeliaBuzz: we met up at a coffee shop and chatted for a while then we walked around a bit then got dinner, then came to my place and watched a movie NeeliaBuzz: and got to leaning on eachother and arms around eachother a bit during the movie NeeliaBuzz: end of the night hug and a kiss NeeliaBuzz: oh good lord!!! NeeliaBuzz: it never works for me this way!!!!!!!!!! NeeliaBuzz: i'm wiggin out man
i'm really pissed. we had night focus tonight. i ended up doing frikken nothing. i was like a runner/errand boy and a lot of the time was just sitting around doing nothing and thinking about how i could be playing pool at a bar or dancing at goth night or having sex or talking sex or something other than sitting outside waiting for the slight chance that someone will have something they need me to get or do or something. but no, nothing. i get home at 1:10 in the morning, probably missed one of my boys being online, could try to call other people see if they're up or still downtown. i was talking about making a "booty call" tonight. last time i made a booty call it didn't work out so well. he wasn't too kean on being my bitch. he's a dad now. probably. unless something horrible happened. which i am a horrible person for thinking. i don't even know what to do with that information or lack there of right now. i didn't hear anything, i don't know when it's birthday was, healthy or not, how he's doing how she's doing, if a gift certificate would be of help or no, i mean it probably would be but would the gift be accepted. would that change anyhting. do i actually want to be involved in this process/his life anymore. i dunno, the whole thought of it leaves a sour taste in the back of my mouth these days. or a lump in my chest. some kind of not happy feeling that i don't know what to do with and really doubt that throwing a gift certificate their way would help anything. i really don't know what to do. i'm definately feeling the functional depression right now. should not have drank beer. silly beer, always letting me down. i want a boyfriend. i need something.
so i actually had a social life tonight! it was really refreshing! i went to the ssc company picnic and ate lots and lots of food, and then actually played SOFTBALL which i hadn't played since elementary school probably, and i managed to get like a base hit almost every time, it was really exciting, and i ALMOST got to score, i was on third with two outs and the batter is stupid and pops a fly and the other team caught it. we went thru so many innings with batters hitting fly balls and the other team just catching them. you had to hit grounders to get anywhere, which is what i was doing :) and i managed to actually contribute as an outfeilder a bit, scooping up rolling balls and throwing them in the right direction with all my might and throwing my shoulder out probably but i got like double jointed shoulders so thats understandable. but yeah, i didn't suck horribly! which i was totally expecting to! it was great! not that anyone would have cared, theater people don't play sports, that was acknowledged from the begining, but it was a nice feeling of pride for me.
then fireworks and bouldering and playing pool at the rush. i wish i could have seen fireworks up closer, but the people i was with weren't up for that, so i got a social experience instead and it was great.
santa cruz's were kinda fun, cause theres no offical display cause they're actually illegal over here, so it just ends up being all these renegade fireworks being set off on the beach that creates this great vast chaotic constant show, and we were unfortunately pretty far from them and my friend was complaining that he was unimpressed, but i enjoying it. would have stayed out there longer, we climbed down the cliff and were sitting on boulders on the beach, and had to boulder climb our way over to some stairs to get back up the hill. usually you can climb over to a neighboring beach, but it was high tide. so we went on a little adventure, and i wasn't wearing the right shoes. it was fun i really wish we could have gotten more up close with the fireworks but the people i was with werent up for that. we went to the rush inn instead and that was fun. played pool, truth or dare dice poker, danced to music, hung out. i don't go to the rush during the year, but during the summer its like the unofficial hang out place for ssc, so its filled with theater people and its great :)
dear self you have to wake up at 7:30 these days to be able to get to work at 9. do not stay up til 2. it is a bad idea. tell the nice people on aim that you have to go to bed at midnight and as much as you'd love to go into emotional baggage with someone you haven't talked to in over 6 months, you really need to go to bed. so do that. you'll thank me later. -self
i feel so old. all i want to do is curl up with a book and go to sleep early. but its solstice. and i'm 21, and will be 22 in exactly a month. but i'm really tired, i've been up since 7:20 and i spent all day fixing cable and in the afternoon we had a project of sauldering all these 2fers that weren't sauldered so i did and it was really fun and i was sad when i had nothing left to saulder, so we had to put the connecters back on the ends but some of the 2fer ends wouldn't fit in their casings, and i had one that didn't want to screw shut, and then i was testing one before it got put back on the rack and two of the circuts crossed, so we basically have a pile of 2fers i fucked up. or we fucked up, they need to be fixed and so we will have to continue work on them tomorrow. blarg! so unsatisfying! and it had such promise of being a satisfying day. now i'm just tired and melancholy after a very sweet gilmore girls which i'd seen before but its a good episode and i like it anyway. i feel like i should rent a movie...
i am now offically employed by the university. after much ado, i got paper work filled out, got to campus, got all orientated, lots of familiar faces, lots of new faces, lots of nice people tho. i missed mike, he would have fit right in. i feel like if we worked together we wouldn't hang out much outside of work as much, and that it would be a challange for me at least to be just completely professional at work and seperate that from any kind of relationship outside... i feel like a certain amount of our chemistry is in the mystique so during our orientation tour, we were being introduced to the mondo power cables that will power all of the dimmers in the glen. and there were supposed to be two of them. but one of them wasn't there. it seemed to have been cleanly cut off with a saws-all about 2 or 3 feet from the power box. and it was general concensus that this was not supposed to have happened. so by lunch, bill b. comes in and says DH is going to get a police report filed, and we spend the next part of lunch discussing why the heck people would steal a 5lb per foot heavy cable, copper recycling apparently, but not of the recycling facilities in the area have gotten anything of that size dropped off, so we are once again at a loss as to why the hell its gone. it was really amusing, it was incredibly surreal, and a little intimidating having all the big guns standing all around looking at this tail of a cable (theres a special name for it but i can't remember it) wondering what the hell happened. end of day, big ol potluck, lots of food, raffle, someone else won a shirt that they already had but i didn't have one, so they gave the ticket to me. got a ride home, dave decided to come over the hill, we were going to go to the boardwalk but it was closed. i dont think business is doing well for it. and i think ticket fares have gone up. we played air hocky instead, then went to saturns, then hung out and caught up and talked and bitched about people at my place. we were supposed to go smoke out with my friend chris (who came over last night cause i knew i'd be super lonely since i had just gotten back from san jose and james was no longer around, again just hanging out, but he stayed at let me cuddle with him til i fell asleep and he left around 3 in the morning. it was a little confusing waking up in my clothes and wondering where the other person had disappeared to) but didn't work out this time. i'm friends with a lot of functional stoners right now. mmm, must sleep now. must get myself on a 9-6 work schedule ability
