Heals The Original Dryness

i'm really pissed. we had night focus tonight. i ended up doing frikken nothing. i was like a runner/errand boy and a lot of the time was just sitting around doing nothing and thinking about how i could be playing pool at a bar or dancing at goth night or having sex or talking sex or something other than sitting outside waiting for the slight chance that someone will have something they need me to get or do or something. but no, nothing. i get home at 1:10 in the morning, probably missed one of my boys being online, could try to call other people see if they're up or still downtown. i was talking about making a "booty call" tonight. last time i made a booty call it didn't work out so well. he wasn't too kean on being my bitch. he's a dad now. probably. unless something horrible happened. which i am a horrible person for thinking. i don't even know what to do with that information or lack there of right now. i didn't hear anything, i don't know when it's birthday was, healthy or not, how he's doing how she's doing, if a gift certificate would be of help or no, i mean it probably would be but would the gift be accepted. would that change anyhting. do i actually want to be involved in this process/his life anymore. i dunno, the whole thought of it leaves a sour taste in the back of my mouth these days. or a lump in my chest. some kind of not happy feeling that i don't know what to do with and really doubt that throwing a gift certificate their way would help anything. i really don't know what to do. i'm definately feeling the functional depression right now. should not have drank beer. silly beer, always letting me down. i want a boyfriend. i need something.