Heals The Original Dryness: 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
Heals The Original Dryness
i am no longer a faerie
it was not vanity that drew her to the mirror; it was the amazement at seeing her own "I." -the unbearable lightness of being
1.31.2005
the sky is blue! and all the leaves are green!
i just spent money on clothes when i should have bought food!
but thats ok cause we're not going to starve!
and i have a belt, some leather gloves that aren't falling apart, and lace up boots that are like corsets for your feet! sooo sexy! however now i feel like i need a turn of the century prostitute outfit to match them and go to sexcapades like that. it would be totally appropriate, and probably pretty unique, but i've already advertised about my other outfit, and i really shouldn't be buying clothes i'm not going to wear often. bleh.
anyway, hurray for me for getting up before noon and getting some quality daylight hours!
i really want to dye my hair light blonde again. i really enjoyed that color. and now i only have like a 3 inch patch of curl left in the front. the rest of the dyed part is darker, i got the front light. and right now its in this really nice looking curl. they sprayed my hair with this leave in conditioner stuff at the salon (which was great clips for hair, but still a salon, not a barber shop, doesn't work that way for girls) and i am totally infatuated with the way my hair looks right now. i don't want to put it in a braid or a bun, i don't want to crush the curls! its too pretty! i really should get some "curl defining" spray of some kind. i really like the way it looks right now. and it smells pretty good too. MEH! all prettied up and no one to be pretty too! but i was pretty for people! i went to barnstorm tonight, lots of people saw the pretty hair! no one commented, but i know they saw. and now i don't want it to go away. and i want it to all be one color. merf.
my live at leeds cd has "crackling noises have been corrected!" written on the side of it. that makes me happy for some reason. its like a little note from the who for me.
i got a hair trim today, and hence got lots of compliments on my hair, its length, its curl, it apparently feels quite healthy, tho a little drier on the side that i pick at more. but it was kinda silly, my stylist was having to bend and stretch to get a lot of the cuts cause it was so long. it was quite admirable tho. i guess it just takes practice and training, but there wasn't a logic to it that i could really see at the time and i was pretty sure that if i was asked to cut someones hair like mine i would have to pass.
GAH! after a good month of sex drive through the floor, my mojo randomly decides to be an active part of my life again. i think a combination of thinking about robert last night, and then running into him today and him saying, oh i'd love to but i can't, and just giving me that faintest glimmer of hope, and then proceeding to playwriting where i got to sit across the table from a plethera of fine looking boys, and debate in my head which ones might go for randomly making out with me, or if we'd have to get drunk first, or if theres no chance in hell, but MMM they're cute! i'm just affection starved which i know is just a symptom of something deeper, but again what that deeper core need thing is? i have no idea.
well, a couple friends who hooked up during a fucking crazy week just celebrated their one year anniversary. that means that crazy week was a year ago. time flies sometimes.
i am a very silly girl
i bought a rapier off ebay.
probably could have gotten it 5 dollars less had i bought it directly from sword-stone.com but didn't. oh well.
i then proceeded to buy a sheath for my display dagger from kultofathena.com i need to stop buying things in the middle of the night.
and i'm not looking forward to being sore tomorrow. i'm sore right now, and ironically sore from stretching, cause i was getting ambitious with backbends and stuff. bleh. well if all else fails i've got muscle relaxants, which i might take anyway, cause they help me sleep.
wow, jimi hendrix coughs really distinctly in foxy lady. its like he's coughing in my ear... from beyond the grave... whoa
i bought a paper journal to document my depression in, something to write down the problems i want to talk about in therapy and in general have something to carry around so i'm not depending on a computer to write stuff on this and so this doesn't become an all depression all the time channel. and its nice, i'm working out a lot of things, or maybe i'm just thinking that way cause i'm reading a novel about philosophy so i'm super keen on my reasoning capabilities. anyway, so i've come to a lot of interesting realizations. unfortunately they all pretty much boil down to it being my fault/my problem, and i've just brought it on myself because of the way i think and being a total hypocrite. *sigh* so... what do we do now? am i just supposed to change how i think? just learn to not care? suppress the caring? somehow i don't think thats going to work for me. we'll have to see what a professional says on wednesday.
in other news (yeah, an actual news story this time)
Probe Lands on Saturn Moon; Sends Photos highly exciting. plus i like how the headline is phrased, its like "college student goes to europe, sends postcard" or other The Onion type headlines.
on one hand, i got a lot done today. i made calls, i got an appointment with a therapist, i got my winter sticker, i petitioned to take more than 19 credits, paid bills, i was awake before 10 am...
however last night i fell asleep around 9, woke up around 12:30, fell asleep around 3 or 4, woke up around 8, fell back asleep around 10, woke up again at 2, did more stuff and probably could have fallen back asleep around 6 but i need to go to san jose, so i'll probably sleep on the bus or something.
so the above totally overshadows any kind of feeling of productivity. depression sucks. now i get to go hang out with family for a weekend, and be the only grandchild not dating a nick. and i'm going to be really tempted to answer "no, i'm going thru some crippling depression instead..." sigh...
plus i seem to be catching a bit of something. i need to start downing the emergen-C more often.
hurray!
so i called dell and they fixed the shutdown due to thermal event problem! amazing! they're actually good for something.
so expecting to be on hold for a half hour i decided i'd make some eggs and hashbrowns in the meantime. as SOON as i break the 3rd egg and get it in the pan, the service representive shows up. such typical comic timing moment. bleh. but they fixed it! so then i reheated the eggs which were sort of half cooked and the parts that were cooked ended up rubbery... the sacrifices i make so that i may play music on my computer :)
and i called a therapist! and left a message on her answering machine! go me!
*sigh*
i really need to work on that not caring/not depending on what other people think/not desperately needing everyones approval to live my life... thing...
therapy. tomorrow. making calls. and doing grocery shopping.
(this was going to be a reply but i'm just putting it as a new post instead)
ok, yes i can see where you're coming from with the ying and yang balancing humanity. what i'm saying is i'd rather we each individually be allowed both our masculinity and femininity (not "faminine" my friend) and not be limited to one or the other just because of how we were born, and as much progress we've made in the social world, i still feel we're still severely limited in the sexual world to explore both aspects.
and i wasn't justifying anything, i don't need to justify anything, they were mutual decisions, actions, what have you, and this had no effect on you, random dude in india, so why do you care? why do you feel the need to call me a bitch? does that make your life any better? are you helping balance the oneness of humaninity by being an asshole? and you're "sorry to offend"? you mean you honestly thought that you'd get some other reaction besides offence when you called me a bitch based on an event that you were not present for and knew nothing about? i want to say "fuck you and the horse you ride on" but that would just be sinking to your level dude. and i think i've given you enough of a reaction to satisfy you til the next time you decide to call some random girl a bitch over the internet.
i don't know if its good news or bad news how much i've been compulsively eating recently. because its not all the time, its just when i'm watching tv. and its not bad snacking, its been dried fruit and nuts and rice crackers and stuff like that. but it is rather compulsive eating... and i know i'm doing it cause i'm depressed, and i guess its slightly better than picking at my hair or my scalp... i guess i'm just worried cause it feels like a lack of control thing.
well, its 12:13 and i need to read a play, i think, by tomorrow. *siiiigh*
whine bitch moan
alright. the party.
it was a very interesting demonstration of social politics and the difference between men and women. well, girls and boys. males and females. thats the most neutral i guess. really i think we were acting more like horny teenagers than anything else.
so the night began with samuel and i attempting to go to this heaven and hell costume party. i knew it was going to be insane and we probably wouldn't stay too long. but we ended up not even getting thru the door cause there was a guest list and we would have had to call the person we knew inside to get in, and i didn't have my cell, nor would i have had anyone's number that would have been able to get us into the party. props to them tho for keeping it undercontrol. the last party i went to there was completely insane. so we went over to his friend kim's house and the party going on over there. which was much better. smaller crowd and we knew everybody.
begining factors of the night for me. metal, scale maille, backless shirt: to my secret delight several guys, and girls for that matter, were not always looking at my face. vibrant red bob-cut wig and devil horns: and many people there didn't know me so there was a certain mystery for a bit of what my real hair looked like, which one girl declared as "aw, its so pretty!" when i finally got tired of the itching-ness of the wig. that wig got a lot of action thru the night as well. everyone was trying it on, and everyone looked good in it. and since its a good quality wig, it survived the night, holding up suprisingly well.
and booze. lots of booze. i did my standard thing of drinking til i was sufficiantly buzzed then stopping, occasional sips of bartles and james (you can hardly taste the alcohol in most of them) after that. meanwhile the rest of the house was passing around jeagermister (however you spell it) and other mixed drinks and downing the bartles and james.
ah shit, need to run to the library before it closes. to be continued
well, library didn't even have what i wanted, but logos did, and they also had a collection of charles ludlam plays which i was tempted to buy but didn't.
alright, so thru out the course of the night everyones making out. standard party practice. get drunk, hook up, make out. but what i started was the making out with multiple people. on the couch i started making out with tyler and then molly cause she had been smoking cloves, and those leave yumminess on the lips which is fun. then somehow i got up and was flirting with samuel and attempt to just give him a peck of a kiss but he goes in full open mouth and i'm like "that always happens!" and jordan (who is being given a piggy back by samuel) pulls me in and kisses me (a very nice kiss) and samuel gets all jealous so i kiss him too. all of this the crowd behind me finds adorable.
cut to sometime later when piles of people are making out, mostly in pairs, except me and my threesome, jordan gets back (had gone to get other people) and is like whoa, i need to get in on that, but am not drunk enough. promptly downs several ounces of jaeger, and is soon rolling on the floor with the best of them. however, since jordan is a sexy sexy bitch, he is quite promptly under a pile of women (and samuel) all vying to make out with him. and this is pretty much the pattern thru the rest of the night.
(begin social commentary)
now imagine had the sexes been reversed. if it was a girl under a pile of guys trying to make out with her. now granted they probably wouldn't be settling for just making out with her, but just looking at it from afar one wouldn't look at it and react the same way as one would to a guy with a bunch of girls on top of him. nor would we think of the person at the bottom of the pile the same way. because of our damn double standards. the pimp gets more respect than the ho.
now at least one of the other girls that was making out with jordan periodically thru out the night i was talking to later and she and i both see jordan as sort of the male version of ourselves, and we agree that because he is male, he is able to get away with a lot more than we as females could. this is nothing against jordan as a person, really its a sort of admiration and jealousy of the things he gets to do and the way he gets to act and yet the way he gets perceived thru it all. i want that. she wants that. i think a lot of females want that. but we dont have that freedom. so we either submit to the fear and hold back and play the good girl and in my opinion miss out on a lot of opportunities (this is just my experience when i do that path), or we charge forward, have our fun, and submit to the consequences, the reputation, the name calling, the bad taste in the back of my mouth when i think about how society is hypothetically glaring down on me, judging my lifestyle, putting me in that catagory with other girls who i really don't relate to but because we seem to make the same choices even if we go about it by different tacts, i too am a skank, whore, bitch, fuck have you.
it was a raw demonstration, with a weird sexy guy in the middle of it all. i started it, but he really reaped the benefits, as did some other girls, and everything was cool and no one cared. and there i was sobering up realizing we couldn't switch the sitaution and keep everyone happy and cool about it. and it saddened me. it saddens me that i have to live in this society and suffer the consequences of my sex, something i did not choose, that i had no control over, that really shouldn't matter and which i defy with every breath i have because i don't fit in, and i know it.
alright, fuller report on party last night now that i am rested and sober.
oh, but before we do that, i decided not to participate in the sexcapades floor show, which i'm kinda sad about because this totally would be the year that i would want to participate and i'd feel comfortable with it and stuff like that, sort of like a sexual coming out, like a debutant ball, but totally debouched. but i had already kinda signed up to be light board op for ghostly godess/sinner saint, and i think i want to stick with that because its the first show to open and it'll be done early february so i'll have plenty of time to work on my 5th year ap (yeah i think i'm going for a 5th year, more about that later). plus this morning i woke up, probably in time to go to the sexcapades meeting, but i would have had to skip a shower and breakfast and all those things that make me feel like a human being and would allow me to last thru a 4 hour meeting, plus i had only gotten 5 hours of sleep, and tomorrow being monday i would not have been able to make up that sleep until friday. so i decided with all those factors in mind to stay in bed and sleep til i woke up. really weird theatre production dream in the meantime. lots of interesting designs and stuff. i was sort of nicole kidman with a lot of hair and all of it in braids and trying to do it up for the ball scene in my fair lady apparently. and by the end of the dream when i took my hair down it fell past my knees. anyway, this seems like a fairly complete post, i'll start a new one to explain the party.
oh man, i feel like a college student now. and i was probably one of the older ones there. but yeah, i started the trend of making out with multiple people at this party. yay drunken me! i think a lot of people have me to thank for their multiple hickies even if i didn't give them directly :)
my wig and devil horns look different than the last time i wore them. maybe its cause i'm wearing a teal tea shirt that clashes horribly with them. or maybe cause its not halloween and its winter and stuff...
*changes into more appropriate/matching clothes, sees if that helps*
...i guess i'm not going to taxi driver tonight
so turns out i'm not the only girl tomas gives crazy mixed signals to and disappears on for no good reason. i guess thats a slight comfort. but it means he's really an asshole and has major relationship issues or something along those lines...
so, in the GOOD NEWS aspect of my life, which still exists and i should focus on it more, i got asked to TA a section of stage combat! which is highly exciting, not that its a paid position or anything, but apparently me and evangeline got asked to TA the two sections because chirstine (the instructor) thought we were the best for the jobs! which is really sweet of her and really cool cause its like that desperatly sought after approval i've been wanting all these year/days. i mean, not huge, but a "you do this really well, come help me teach it" which is all i could ever ask for in the academic world. its like when i was asked by two of my friends to help them study for the broadway musicals class. and then as we were going thru the list of musicals on the syllabus i seriously knew all but one and could say something about it and like give the major background and why its important stuff.
oh! speaking of musicals, in my voice and the actor class, our midterm is to find three songs we would like to sing and "know their history". I (the huge musical geek i am) begin thinking like "send in the clowns, sondheim wrote it in three days, it was the fastest he'd ever written a song. considered the most famous song he's written" or "edilvise, it was the last song hammerstien wrote before he died". but turns out she ment just the "whats it from, where in the plot is it, who is the character that sings it?" sort of things.
i'm such a dork... *goes and reads her social history of the american musical theatre book* no, actually i'm reading sophie's world right now. its interesting. i found i really couldn't read it on the bus or around people, because its a novel about philosophy, and i get hyper aware of how shallow and trite most people are when i read it in public. so i've made it my bedside reading. safe in the comfort of my own bedroom.
i have a lot of people on my buddy list that i really don't talk to. and yet i can't compel myself to delete them because having lots of names online makes me feel like i'm a part of a community that happens to be online, even if i'm not talking to them. its like milling around a party with out actually talking to anyone, but just enjoying being at the party.
i scared off another one. i totally just freaked him out about who is this crazy bitch who is calling me all the time this winter break and being a psycho weirdo. yeah, no longer the appealing kinda cool person might have been interested in before winter break. you know what else i hate about depression? that i go thru this experience of being ignored by this cute guy that i think i like but really know that we're not each others types, i just really want the cute boy... and i come out of that going "nobody loves me!" and i'll say this to a group that i KNOW loves me but i'm so blind and swept up in this rediculous situation that i don't see that or i don't focus on that. and i HATE people that will say "nobody loves me" to get attention and affection. and i'm turning into that! this is not good!
the most depressing thing that has occured to me in the recent past:
me: "is it really so much to ask?"
him: "yes"
it really had nothing to do with anything important. i was bitching about how safeway didnt have regular rice pilaf. is it so much to ask for the regular rice pilaf and not the wild mushroom or the garlic and herb pilaf? is it really so much to ask? james' answer, "yes"
...
just having that question answered, and getting that answer
i sort of stumbled back and slumped against the kosher food section. i didn't know whether to laugh or cry. if it were a move things would have slowed down and the music faded to only the thumping of my blood in my ears while the camera did a rotating close up on my bewildered face.
well, made some steps forward today. i went to the health center and got started with the process of getting refered to a therapist downtown because i am seriously depressed. taking some action helped. now i'm online and no one's talking to me and that doesn't help anything. therapy should help. i really hope it does. it should.
i need more sweaters. i'm kinda liking these things. and the fact that i have a really cold room and a generally chilly apartment. and that i need more love. and a sweater can give that somewhat.
why are so many people resolving to drink more water this year? is it so hard to do? is it drink more water as opposed to soda? or do you find yourself dyhydrated a lot and think "dang should have drank more water" and then forget about it later? maybe its just cause i'm a water bottle hound. i always have one with me, and if i don't i soon need it and then don't have it and feel sickly later. i dunno... just carry a water bottle people. resolve to have one with you at all times. the drinking regularly will follow that.
upside: getting to do laundry at home
downside: not having underwear for a day
upside: getting to spend the day in my robe!
downside: realizing this robe needs to be washed
upside: a soon to be clean, dryer-fresh robe
downside: having to wear other stuff in the meantime...
maybe i should start reading this philosophy novel i bought. i seem to be philosophizing (sp?) about life and happiness and purpose in the world a lot recently. a lot of it ends up with me as a fucking selfish person. i need therapy.
i can't sleep when i need to, i can't stay awake when i should.
i figured out another reason why sondheim speaks to me so much. his characters are struggling with comprimise. artistic, personal, choices they've made, choices they need to make. it resonates with me. its what i'm facing now, its what i'm always facing. but how do i make those choices? is it all about me or is it about the common good, making everyone else happy, what will cause the least disturbances to the norm, what's easiest, what's best? what IS best?
*thunk*
