Heals The Original Dryness

slow computers suck. oh man.

it esp sucks because i've been having feelings that i should blog more. just like get the unnessacary information out there so i don't have to tell it to random people, aka a job interviewer. they don't want to hear that i was meaning to go home and shower and get my parasol so i wouldn't get sunburnt walking over there esp since i spent some time in the sun this morning cause we didn't feel like going indoors just yet. and then we did and i slept til three. had a really cool dream tho. it was really vivid, and not uncomfortable because i was acting the entire time. i dreamed that josie was playing my older sister in wicked, and it was confusing for a bit and then i realized they cast her as that cause she was taller. and this part of my house that i added in a dream a while ago came back, and it was really cool, cause it was the same place that i had been hanging out in in a different dream. i like my subconcious... sometimes... anyway, just a few more weeks of school and then i can trade in this peice of crap or improve upon it (aka more ram, MORE RAM!) *sigh* in the meantime i have to face that fact that i can't funking type because it's doing that thing where i can't see what i'm typing until a little bit later... it's THAT SLOW... and it's reeeeaaaaally annoying during aim, cause i'm esp careless with typos there and then i just press return so i send off this fucking incomprehensable peice of shit that i then have to correct and explain which takes even MORE time. uch. i need a hair cut. i have a really annoying zit on the back of my neck that really hurts and lots of random bumps or moles on my back have been itching and stuff and i'm all afraid to scratch them or i'm like "what the fuck is that" and people are like "i think thats a mole" but then i'm thinking "i didn't THINK there was a mole there" and then I can't even tell cause it's just this red dot to me. fuck. fuck fuck fuck. i need to write my process paper. my computer seems to be calmer right now.

ok, so susan is actually staying in the house over the summer, so i just need to find people for the other room. ok, we can do this. *breathe*

*SIGH!* does ANYONE want to live in santa cruz this summer? email me if you do/know anyone who does. i am starting to feel stressed about these things. rawr.

rawr! *kicks computer*

stupid peice of plastic

damn, can't register for classes until 10 am. and i'm up now. gar. stupid stomach... being hungry...and... waking me up at 7:30 in the morning after going to bed at 2 and not getting to sleep until around 3... *glares*

i got a cell phone! wheeeeeee! new gadget in the house! everyone's excited!

we're such nerds. i need to clean everything now. i had the impulse to do it last night but said no i have tomorrow afternoon all free, we can do it then... it is now 7. stupid cell phone, coming a day early and distracting me. :P

i didn't do too much today. i forgot to set my alarm this morning, aka, i thought i could naturally wake up earlier this morning cause i did that a lot these past few days. but no. i got up around 2 and went to my voice class late which i'm glad i did i needed to get up today. it was so fucking gorgous. people were saying they thought it was getting up to 80 degrees, i dunno maybe, it was gorgeous. it was even pretty mild after sundown, felt more airconditioned than cold.
alan (who i had ANOTHER dream about last night, i have NO idea what is up with my subconcious) was spraying people with a squirt bottle when i got to the guys room. it was very nice and refreshing :-D later he and robert got into a sort of wretling match, first with alan squirting robert and robert trying to take the bottle away. then they ran out of water and alan was trying to get robert to admit he was the victor, and robert was like "no!" and they started wrestling again and robert pinned alan multiple times but alan was just not giving up, it was insane. like robert and chris will get into wrestling matches that will be pretty amusing to watch, but they usually kinda declare truce after a bit, alan was just refUSING to give up, it was insane. esp since alan is totally not the wrestling type to begin with. i guess he was just hyper this afternoon. who knows.

well... looks like i bought a cell phone. lets see how this works out.

went and saw matrix this morning with james. on the way there we past thru the street fair... with lots of booths selling pretty things... hardest thing i've ever done. oh man! sooo many pretty things! soooo wanting to stop and look at them! but had to get to movie! movie was amusing. it was really bad, at the end i thought "oh man, i was laughing a lot during that movie... i don't think it was ment to be a comedy tho..." so my review is "it was really funny. i don't know why, but i remember laughing a lot." and as james and i were coming down the escalator, james started talking loudly "WOW, who would have thought that darth vader was neo's father!" and stuff like that. it was amusing. oh! and when we had gotten to the theatre, 4 out of 9 movie display slots had the matrix advertised for them. the most you usually see with a new release movie, is 3 so james and i turn to eachother and go"you think they're playing the matrix here?" "i dunno" i turn to one of the ticket sales girl "are you guys playing the matrix here?" and they looked very confusedly at eachother in that "are they kidding? i think they're kidding, but i'm not sure... what do we do?" sort of way. it was really amusing. i cracked up. i don't usually fuck with people like htat on a regular basis. james does tho. he goes into the santa cruz sock shop and after the sales ladis say "feel free to ask us any questions" he sighs and says "you got any socks?" so yeah :)

and chautauqua program C was really good. and apparently we saw them on a very good day too, which is very exciting. :)

and now... quiz results... i'm switzerland, my army needs a wine bottle opener on its knife...

Switzerland -
A neutral power for as long as most can remember,
it has avoided war for several centuries.
However, it is still considered highly advanced
and a global power.


Positives:

Judicial.

Neutrality.

World-Renouned.

Powerful without Force.

Makes Excellent Watches, Etc.


Negatives:

Target of Ridicule.

Constant Struggle to Avoid Conflict.

Target of Criminal Bank Accounts.



Which Country of the World are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

bah, all of my friends went to matrix without me. and ian. he got left out too. stupid people.

opening went well. the audience totally cracked up at the sign language part. it was amusing.

i watched "go" tonight, good movie, i'm glad i bought it when it was on sale for 8 bucks. gotta love fry's.

dress went horribly. which supposedly means tha opening will be smooth, but we'll see.
i slept all day... again... i was meaning to get up around 1 to work on readings and stuff but instead fell back asleep and had a horribly disturbing dream where everyone was yelling at me and i had run into john and his fiance at the airport, and then there was some asian kid whose foot i crushed while storming out of a bus, and then later i was trying to pack up my laundry while waitng for a bus to go to germany, and then me and the ya-ya sisterhood stole this watch from a jewelry store that let me fly to the airport and then i was like in the end part of funny girl and in the really expensive part of a hotel flying around, it was weird. shaina was in it too and she was pissed at me for some reason before i went to the bus stop. like some kind of organizing thing assignment that she yelled at me to do. odd dream. odd dream.

i'm starting to like my hair color. it helps that not too many people have noticed it, which means its not stark raving bad. i sat around and watched tv for... many many hours tonight. it was fun, i needed a good brain fry. i'm horribly randy, its quite bad. i think its just the whip start of my hormones after my period. i've had and off and on head ache this evening. i am very very out of it. i was up late last night flipping thru the sign language dictionary my friend lent me and translating songs. i'd see one word and think of a song its in, and so translate the whole song. i had an 8 o'clock class this morning. i reeeaaally wanted to just sleep thru it. i'm glad i didn't tho cause we did a reveiw time line thing in class and danny 5chi3 is funny as hell. plus we learned about italian futurism. oh man. gotta love this stuff.
my voice parter and i actually did excercises today. it was cool. but then afterwards the only other real homework i had was to read voice stuff. and i was like, but i just did voice stuff, i don't want to do more *whine bitch moan* so nothing has really gotten done since. quite ashamed of myself, really i am. anyway, to now... attempt to catch up. wish me luck.

i'm wondering if i should leave this green streak in my hair or not. it amuses me muchly, and actually looks prety good. but its crunchy and smells like a fruity children's marker.

my hair's all blonde btw, i sucessfully dyed it a light blonde that actually is light blonde, but still more red then the white blonde i was going for. yeah. the green streak is fun tho, even if it does smell like a children's marker.

you should all come see me in chautauqua. "kate anderson and the book of the dead" is a fun show. email me if you'd like more details.

did i lend my starmite video to anyone out there? cause i can't find it. and i wanted to show it to my friend who loved the concept when i described it to her.

we just discovered my mini-whip, which i just described as a combination riding crop and cat-o-nine tails, actually has 9 fringe things of leather on it. it was very exciting. esp since i had said "cat-o-nine tails" without knowing it had.... 9 tails

i don't know how much longer this semetrey thing is going to work out with my links. its rather annoying to feel that every time i want to add a guy i have to add a girl as well. i mean, it was fairly easy this time, buit who knows if that luck shall continue.

so! introducing joe and kim to the online world of... my page. joe is joe, part of my group of guy friends at porter but lives on a different hall. he's a film guy. hes cool. he'll tell it like it is, which is sometimes annoying cause you know its true. i'm getting better about being able to tell when he's joking or not.
kim is kinda one of the semi regulars. tho joe is sort of a regular that has other jobs so he can't make it to every episode. anyway, moving away from the temptation to compare my life to "friends", for i will fail miserably, mostly cause we are completely disproportional in the guys-girls ratio and we never do anything. anyway, kim is cool. she's often the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. tho i think i'm just saying that cause today she was wearing 4 in vinel boots and fishnets. she's a rocky horror fan. that should describe her. yeeees... now they will understand.

james and i are going to see x2 tonight cause he hasn't seen it yet. i kinda have a subtle "damn it!" going thru my head cause the cash thats in my wallet was just enough to pay back alan for tmbg tix. damn. now i need to go extract more money from the bank.

aw...

my computer has trouble attempting to walk and chew gum at the same time. fairly recent development. i think the fact that it only has 65 mb of ram is finally catching up to it.

theres a large bug in my room.... i want it not to be here any more...

i painted my nails last night.
my fingers still smell like nail polish.

charles came upstairs to tell me that if i take a burner out of the stove i should probably finish cleaning it cause its been in the sink for a few days, blah blah blah.
understanding subtle passive agressiveness seems to be beyond this boy's mental capabilities.
[later]
in retrospect i probably should have responded with a "if you put a bow in the paper recycling, i'd appreciate it if you'd tear it down so it can lay flat rather than letting it pile on top, esp when its something like your box of pepsi" or maybe a "charles, the burner is disgusting because you never clean it. it's your mess, i just got it soaking for you"

rawr

i seem to be completely incapable of seeing shakes to go

i must've smei conciously turned off my alarm. i wake up to the sound of charles getting out of the shower. wait no, i woke up to the phone ringing (charles' phone just rang, reminding me) and thinking "ooo! he called!" cause benn said he wasn't gonna call this morning, but i can still hope. the phone wasn't in my room. the answering machine picked up. i think it was one of the doctors from psychiatry calling back. yeah, definately, the phone number they left was a 972 number. and ariella seems to have completely given up on me or never checks her messages. should i email her despite all this? anyway, i roll over at look at the clock and it is 9:21. i proceed to pound my head into the bed, and having it spring back, for it is a springy mattress. except i don't actually. i don't even have energy for that. it's 9:21. better than 9:45. i could go and catch my friend getting out of his class, as i've often ment to and failed to do.

fuck.
fuck fuck fuck.

and i can't even fall back asleep.

it's not good when i run low on medication

recently in my depressed moods i simply feel like i am not being validated as a human being. and i think i say that more for liking the way it sounds than meaning it. but thats only half true. i don't know what i mean. i do know that i feel depressed when i get home. that i don't feel like i have a point. that i am simply filling myself with other people. that this is bad. that i'm reeeeaaally not doing well with the idea of not getting to live with my boyfriend for a very long time. that i get pissed off somewhere deep inside of me when people ask me "whats wrong" when i'm just not feeling social, and having to explain this is forcing me to be social. that my house is a fucking mess. that i clean one area just to find that another area is inhabitable. that i feel futile. i feel pointelss. my computer is slow. that i'm a typical middle child, addicted to attention. that i'm a nomad and belong nowhere. that i have so little control over my life, and i'm increasingly struck by the fact that i am a complete and utter control freak but unable to actually have any control. i waste my own time.

i feel like i waste my own time. emphasis on the feel. it's 2:45 in the morning, i'm hormonal, i had the weirdest dream last night where i had sex with this random person and then had to deal with it as if it were real life. i was walking around naked half the time, and so i think part of my weird mood today is feeling like everyone has seen me naked but just isn't talking about it.

"so you're just going to pretend its not there and just not talk about it?
thats so.... not jewish..."