Heals The Original Dryness

it's not good when i run low on medication

recently in my depressed moods i simply feel like i am not being validated as a human being. and i think i say that more for liking the way it sounds than meaning it. but thats only half true. i don't know what i mean. i do know that i feel depressed when i get home. that i don't feel like i have a point. that i am simply filling myself with other people. that this is bad. that i'm reeeeaaally not doing well with the idea of not getting to live with my boyfriend for a very long time. that i get pissed off somewhere deep inside of me when people ask me "whats wrong" when i'm just not feeling social, and having to explain this is forcing me to be social. that my house is a fucking mess. that i clean one area just to find that another area is inhabitable. that i feel futile. i feel pointelss. my computer is slow. that i'm a typical middle child, addicted to attention. that i'm a nomad and belong nowhere. that i have so little control over my life, and i'm increasingly struck by the fact that i am a complete and utter control freak but unable to actually have any control. i waste my own time.

i feel like i waste my own time. emphasis on the feel. it's 2:45 in the morning, i'm hormonal, i had the weirdest dream last night where i had sex with this random person and then had to deal with it as if it were real life. i was walking around naked half the time, and so i think part of my weird mood today is feeling like everyone has seen me naked but just isn't talking about it.

"so you're just going to pretend its not there and just not talk about it?
thats so.... not jewish..."