an exchange of emails...
Hi Aileen.
It's been a while since I last called. I can only assume you let go because I never see you online, I guess you changed your screen name or blocked me or soemthing. I don't care. I've pretty much let go too. I know we were planning on staying in touch a bit, trying to be friends. I guess that is dying, or dead or whatever. Anyway. I'm just e mailing you to wish you well. Wonder about you sometimes, how life is going, theater. Do you wear those bracers I made for you ever? How's the new apartment. If you really just don't care.... e mail me back with the words 'let go' and I'll just let go of you forever. It's up to you. Seems like you already have made a decision anyways. Anyways, wish you well.
- Ari
...........
ari,
the big thing right now is i don't feel like i'm able to be the best possible me around you. sure, i have the ability to be nice and make small talk and such, but i still get a knot in my stomach and constrictions in my chest and just feel disgusting when i think about what happened. and i'm not sure if thats ever going to go away, maybe in time, i have no idea. but in the meantime i have a severe guard up because of you and what happened and i resent you for that and i'm not made happy by the awareness or reminders of that. i'm sure with time and energy we could probably work thru it but thats not where my priorities lie. [aka i have better things to do with my time than try to rekindle a friendship with you after what happened. i have better things to do than sit around and be reminded of what you did and feel like i'm going to vomit] i know you don't run, and you face things, and i know i'm taking the easy way out here, but you know, its college, its a big ol world, i've got other things in my life that i'd rather focus on than a part that caused me so much frustration and pain. esp since currently if we were to be friends and hang out and stuff there would be constant reminders (aka your girlfriend) of what happened, and well, since i don't HAVE to face that, i don't think i'm going to. [hm, so i guess i did manage to put the above into more civil words *pats self on the back*]
alright, so i guess the short version of the above (which i should probably delete or put in a journal instead of sending to you, but we've always been honest with eachother so why stop now) is yeah, let go. i do still cherish our fond memories, even if they are bitter sweet at this point. i'm grateful for the changes and awarenesses you brought out in me, esp the awareness of energy and that power and helping me clarify where i was in my life, tho sometimes that meant me doubting us and i'm sorry for the pain that brought you. i really am. i'm sorry about our confusions, i'm sorry about the ways they fell out, out it was an experience i needed to have to discover those personal problems. so i'm grateful that i had you in my life for a period of time. if we run into each other in the distant future i will gladly have lunch with you and see if a friendship may be developed at that point in different circumstances. anyway, enjoy the rest of your college carrier. think about what i said with hypno therapy. i really think thats something you're good at and could share with more people. but whatever you do, make sure you're happy. its your life, do not comprimise it for anyone elses happiness. never let go of your center! (all stuff we were getting into in acting studio today, so its in the front of my mind) anyway, take care, be well, see you around
aileen
...........
Fair enough. I agree with you after seeing you today. My heart hurt a lot this evening after seeing you. I can't handle it either. It's not the easy way out. It's the right thing to do. Enjoy life Aileen, really.
- Ari
