Heals The Original Dryness

you know, i think i'm going through a bout of depression. which is usually supposed to happen AFTER a show is done... not before... dear lord i hate my life

in section this morning, at nine am, a time that i really shouldn't be allowed to be not near a bed, double negative i know, our ta was attempting to get us to discuss what a thesis statement is. ok, so it consists of your topic and your point of view. alright what's a point of veiw...
*begin aileen going insane... ok, rather begin advance state of aileen's insanity*
i was SERIOUSLLY having trouble not stabing my pencil into my eye and tickling my brain with it. or alternately pulling out my eyeball with my bare fingers and squishing it between my palms. the pain. the pain. my eye twitches just thinking about that part of section. we are not fucking in kindergarden. we are college students who just didn't feel like putting that much time and effort into your fucking greek theater paper. get over it and don't FUCKING TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD
*end aileen's advanced stages of insanity*

i got to play katie's (the crow/other puppeteer's) part in the brush up rehearsal last night. it was really cool. i knew all her lines. i chickened out of doing all her lines in the second and third act, but i really could have. i just wasn;t sure i could, i kept feeling like there was some part or some line that i'd be forgetting. i just have no self esteem right now. and i really want to rip out my eyeball.

now, i would say at this point "i should go to bed" but benn pointed out that i really shouldn't be as tired as i am for the amount of sleep i get. so that leads us to one of two theorys. either i am entering some slightly more than mild depression, or i have a sleeping disorder. i like the second theory better. that would let me go to a sleep clinic, which i;ve been wanting to do for like 3 years, or ever since dr dement came and talked at castilleja.

in the more positive news, i'm doing a little better about controlling myself with my eyebrow pulling. like i was pulling a bit last night and i noticed it was mostly cause i was reaching a stuck point with my paper, and i was tired and stressed. so i put away the lap top and went to bed. slightly reassuring to my self improvement