Heals The Original Dryness

wow, i should have mental breakdowns more often. they seem to get me emails (some with flower pics attached, thank you alfred, i love you). but yeah, i ran into ian at dinner, and when he asked if i was ok, i said no, but didn't really want to talk about it cause i didn't know where to begin and i didn't really feel like breaking down in the dinning hall. then i was going to play pool thinking that ian would be taking off for his room, but no, he stuck around, so i began ranting and crying and he gave me a hug and then we started walking and we changed the subject to i forget what, i think it was about a stray marajuana leaf that was in the stairwell. got to his room, it was so weird being back in there, i dunno, i just had to stop and look around for a minute, it just felt like it had been a while, and it had. anyway, we continued talking about nothing which i was happy with cause it was an amusing conversation, but ian being the veteran camp counsler pressed me to talk more, so i did, and did fine for a while just explaining the situation before breaking down again, which i was pissed about at the time cause i was tired of crying but thinking about it now, it was really just what i needed to do. i was really unable to cry in the morning when i really wanted to and really felt i needed to, but it felt so fake when i did which jsut made me even more upset with myself and i'd have to hit myself to get genuine tears... odd how our bodies don't do things when we want them and does when we don't. anyway, did some reading, watched simpsons, went to ragesties (fuckin freaky man), stood about with vanessa and nick and gwen for a bit, they went off and i waited for the shuttle, kinda meditating and watching the stars and the light hitting the trees and the city glow and such. nice place santa cruz.

(side note: an email from my dad to tell me he transfered money into my account)
The evil deed is done. Fight on and fear not.
Love, Dad
and we wonder where i get it from...