Heals The Original Dryness

i love my sister. this is the email she sent to me for my birthday this year. last year i got one advising me on the possibilitys of now being able to venture into rated-R and nc-17 movies by myself. i wish i had saved it. but for your amusement, here are my sister's words:

So what knowledge can I dispense upon my younger sister on this day celebrating the 18th anniversary of her birth...

1. If you get drafted head for Canada, we have family there that will protect you.

2. Lottery tickets are a sham, don't be fooled by the propoganda, look at the statistics. If you must, do scratchers. They are at least satisfying to scrape at with the edge of a quarter (quarters are best because of the ridged edge). They do have the occasional prize to be won, usually not even worth your turning in the ticket but you can at least know you won something in your life. You also can begin your collection of scratcher dust. Keep it in an envelope under your pillow to bring yourself good karma. The more you have, the messier, the better.

3. Oh yeah you can vote. No big whop there. Sure you feel important being a voice in how your government is run but let's face it. We are pathetic little creatures outnumbered in our plane of existance by morons who use their right to vote to put idiots like our friend trigger-happy GW in charge of our nuclear weapons. If he succeeds him term as the leader of the "free" world without destroying the earth, I'll be impressed. but do excercise your right to vote, even though it may seem inconsequential. Women died to get the right, we shouldn't abuse their memory by standing idly by because we feel it doesn't make a difference.

4. you can now purchase tobacco products, whoopie diddy doo doo.

5. Clubs. Sorry to burst your bubble but they don't even get good till your twenty-one. I'll update you on that in three years.

6. And finally and far most importantly PORN!!!! I mean that's what you've been waiting for nigh on these many years. You can venture into the coveted "18 and over" sections of our favorite video stores (not Blockbuster, they're very family) peruse the magazines hidden behind boards at the Frys, Towers, and Borders stores. Look at the those websites people are all in a huff over their children being exposed to. You yourself can be legally employed by this lucrative industry which, by the way, is the only genre of movie to fully take advantage of the full range of possiblity offered by DVDs. Multiple angles, very cool.

That's about all I can think of at this time. Happy Birthday baby, don't go too crazy with your new found freedom. The ride around the sun in the coming year holds numerous possibilities, don't abuse them too much.

Love, Nora