Heals The Original Dryness

how ironic. i writting an entry about how life is wonderful and balanced makes me realize how much it's not. the only reason it's balanced is because everything is in ultamite moderation. i haven't seen jonathan in about three weeks. i talk to neil practically everyday, but i haven't SEEN him since gunn one-acts i beleive. dave... was a fling? definitly an experience i was supposed to take and make use of the lessons with one i truely care about... what the fuck do i do... go with the flow? the flow fucking sucks. i need control.

it feels like my 7 month pattern is holding up. no, we haven't broken up, but we're fading. i realized it's the same way we got together, slowly, over time, no specific date.

i couldn't sleep last night. i eventually did, but it really felt like i could stare at the light coming through the venitian blinds until dawn, and even until noon the next day. i'm not supposed to be in bed alone. girls in the middle ages married when they were 12. i'm at the fucking high point of my fertility.

it's not so much about sex as it is connection. i think the main reason i'm feeling like shit is that i'm not getting that same constant source of affection and light that i used to. it's all divided up. nothing constant. and i know i'm being selfish. i want to be the center of attention! i want to be the one he thinks of when his mind is wandering! i want to feel that when i'm falling asleep wishing he was there, that he's feeling the same way. we're losing that vital connection of minds. the ability to sense each others feelings, and be in sync with them.

i think this is why people are usually monogamous. it's much easier to be in sync with one person, rather than two unrelated ones. to make a crude analogy, when two women live in close quarters, their periods end up on the same cycle. it doesn't happen if she's constantly switching between two close quarter places...

i don't know what to do... do i be selfish or self-less or ambivalent... any way i'm fucking miserable...