Heals The Original Dryness

i just turned down a booty call. cause i need to stop depending on other people's expectations of me. i need to better my relationship with myself so i can trust myself rather than falling into a cyclical cycle of depending on other people for fulfillment which just ends up freaking them out and pushing them away, leaving me with the lonelyness i'm trying to avoid in the first place.

i want to email chris:

hey,
you are probably very busy with new students in your dorm, and this is most likely the reason why i haven't heard from you in a couple days. however, in our last conversation you could have been subtly conveying warning that you were feeling i'm getting too attached to you and you were going to back away to avoid hurting me. well i guess i should have said at the time, hey if you want to hurt me, you'll just cut off communication leaving me to wonder what i did wrong or if it even was me and sending me off on some dead end mental tangent that can't actually be solves because communication has been cut off. i know it seems counterintuitive but if you don't want to hurt me you'll tell me straight to my face whats going on and why you feel the need to cut off whatever this is. i will understand. i will not judge you. i will appreciate your honesty, your strength to be direct with me, and i will not hate you forever. i promise.

i just need assurance that it's not me! i'm sorry, i haven't gotten my self esteem to the point where i can do that on my own. but if you tell me, i'll believe you. give me something so i can stop blaming myself.